ha! made you look.....

i don't know why i say hej...when all you say is hej da.  hej da heeej hej da....it's a rip from a beetle song. sorry to lazy to put the right "a" up...but u know what i am saying.

hello Snowflake....welcome to my last post....

you don't choose who you fall in love with....sometimes you don't even know why you're in love with that person...you should be in love with the hot better one that actually likes you back.... but your heart belongs to someone else, and no matter how much you wish you weren't in love with that person....you don't get to choose...you dont get to say when it will happen, how it happens...it just does...sometimes that love turns into a family....and other-times it cant grow, it is impossible to be...but love doesn't care....being in love with someone is not a choice....it is a feeling you have when you see them that you do not get with anyone else...i remembered love today.... love is unforgiving...

someday it will snow......Eduardo.

a vampire where the sun never sets.....

it has been over a year since I have had sex....I dont see that changing anytime soon....not here in Sweden....my heart cant be in it, not anymore..........mistakes are being made everyday....sometimes a mistake leads to something amazing....doesn't change the mistake, just makes it feel less awful that you made a mistake...if only you could speek to me Snowflake....who are you? where are you? what am i doing in Sweden? did i make a mistake?
i made it to Germany....maybe i wouldn't have gone there if i wasn't coming here...l liked Germany....Sweden i keep feeling like i am seeing the same person everywhere, identical blond blue eyed girls n boys sprinkled into the crowds, and orange skinned girls, so awful looking....my adventure here has just begun....no judgments yet..... but without doubt it is much better than Malmo...prettier for sure....
i don't believe in fate, destiny, mystical reasons for things happening....i wasted much of my life waiting for something magical to find me and change my life....foolish...
i am spending my day sitting outside in the sun.....watching strangers square dance, while some odd running race circles around winding through the crowds, as i sit here and day dream...am i going to look up and see you...are you going to sneak up and surprise me with your beauty.....will it snow today....
it feels more like a very hot summer day in the Sahara desert....
i kinda feel stupid and embarrassed for being here....did i make a mistake....
so be it....i will make the best of it...this day is not over...the storms could be coming....or....i can enjoy the desert heat with some kick ass Swedish food..... until it snows my darling.....i will be falling in love with various pickled herrings, and potatoes drowning in toppings......

500 days later...

i like Berlin....on the surface....it is a huge city,  very spread out....ended up sight seeing yesterday....lots of emotional war and death reminders.....and shopping malls....i have noticed that there are not many foreigners living here....at least not in the amounts i have seen in other cities, maybe it is the areas i have been in, there is probably a ghetto somewhere...
still though, there is much diversity in the kinds of establishments....speaking of i can't believe i will be in Sweden tonight....land of homogany...i am hoping though Stockholm will be different....i have hope for lots of things there....for something to be fun....i really don't know what to expect....coldness, shallow polite kindness, joy and true excitement, hate, love, tears, guilt, a fight,  a kiss, a game, honesty,  boredom, confusion, an open window or a guarded wall.....something can be anything.....what if it snows....now that would be something.

My darling snowflake,
Berlin is under my feet today....this is a city....very spread out....and again not pretty...but there is charm here....spent the day walking yesterday....i would have done better renting a bike....there is not a lot to see inbetween destinations....boring buildings and overgrown bushes and grass...and then cross a busy street,  turn a corner,  and like magic i would come across a building covered in street art, then a coffee shop built into what would seem a deserted space but inside art covers the walls and a mic lays waiting for a poet to spill her heart....i found a very nice neighborhood, the streets are narrow and lined with trees... there are a variety of bars and restaurants everywhere, i love the diversity, on one block you can find a metal bar, a trendy bar, a hip restaurant, a gay bar, a sushi spot, and so much more, now this is more like San Francisco.....well this part of town is anyway....you couldn't imagine the joy i felt  when i found a great bar playing good music, tattoo covered tenders, and serving cheap stiff drinks....i jumped in the street and gave a giddy first pump.....
the people are  so nice here...and i like the styles, it is not strange to see people with pink, blue, or green colored hair....i thought to myself how nice it was to see normal people....
not sure what i will do today....just finished a delicious brunch of cheese and fruits,  i think i just want to find a park and sit in the sun.....the weather here reminds me of a nice SF day, a slight breeze, a bit cold in the shade but very warm in the sun especially when the clouds break.....i do miss SF fog though....
now off to see where i end up...with you in my arms would be nice.....

hello snowflake,
i am in Germany...it is much nicer here than i thought it would be.....the food is good....the wine not so much...and i am sick of beer....but at least the beer tastes good....
i haven't seen much of the city...i am staying downtown,  next to the shopping area on one side and on the other side is the gay neighborhood...there are a couple monuments and a large church....most of the city is new and not very charming.. ..looks a lot like any Midwest city...they boast having more canals and bridges than any other city.....maybe true but they are not very pretty... you don't go walking around this city snapping pictures and feeling like you're in a fairytale movie....
i am in what i think is a classic German eatery/bar....long communal tables with groups of people drinking very large beers and the occasional Jager shot....lots of us are watching the Olympics....cheering on the athletes....some are eating...i can't speak a lick of German, but everyone here has been friendly and welcoming to me...everyone speaks some English and are happy to talk with me...
the service is great here, friendly....i recall how stressed  i was in Paris....i didn't eat....
i had the wrong idea about Germans...i have known a few in my life....of friends from another time...very nice people.....but my impression of Germans overall  was one i felt i wouldn't get along with...i feared a rigged judging culture....maybe there is as bit of classicism in the culture but i must look OK here....everyone has been nice.....i like it so far....
i wasn't excited about this leg of my trip....i am hopeful for Berlin now... who knows maybe you are German....some of the women here are exceedingly beautiful....
whoever you are, wherever you are....i look forward to writing you real letters.....with love, your ?

eat a Hamburger...

And here I am.....one thing about hostels is that you get zero privacy....so no time or space to relieve the pressure....needless to say I am on edge....I even went out looking for a trendy club the other  night with the idea of picking up some  tourist tramp....but then the rains came and sensability came with it....I always feel bad after one of those....I am trying not to keep repeating mistakes....I've done very well.....
But I am still very charged...I am wandering around Hamburg today...that is right Hamburg...why did I come to Hamburg? You might ask...well...why does anyone come to Hamburg?...that is why I came...to answer that question....
the answer is to shop...it is a convenient  stop inbetween cities to do that....
i went out last night....met some guy at my hostel and hit the bars with him...a very talkative guy....Canadian...he was a good companion...
it was Monday night so the bars where quiet....but we managed to find a good spot.......the bar was in the red light district, most of Hamburg night life happens in that area apparently....and it was packed with tourists, the only people going out on a Monday night....
i usually stay to myself when out. maybe talk to the tenders or someone sitting at the bar next to me...i don't pick up on girls, usually i just try to make fiends....but last night i met someone extraordinarily beautiful...
i could tell this girl was different....she stood next to me at the bar ordering drinks for herself and her  two companions....i made a comment about something trying to open a dialogue with her, she was friendly but she wasn't interested in talking to a annoying drunk tourist out to party, who she expected i was....she lived in the next town over and was just killing time waiting for her train.....she went to her friends and i took my leave....I went back to my group, got bored  then walked around the dancing kids...but then instinct took over...i was walking through the crowd and saw her where i left her, in the quiet corner standing with her friends at a high top....and i was overcome, i walked hurriedly to her and exalted  a huge hello as if we were long time friends, it surprised her, i was surprised by it too...she looked at me, eyes wide open, i smiled and realised how strange that was and turned....i liked the spot she chose....by the door at the corner of the bar parallel to the tenders where you can see people ordering drinks and view the dance floor....
so i stayed there observing the crowd, next to her, i felt comfortable next to her...a few moments passed and then she said something to me....and from there we talked.....it was a very brief talk, she had a train to catch....but i enjoyed every word of it....
in the end though nothing will come of it, i gave her my info but i doubt i will hear from her......i will never see her again....i am happy for those brief moments at the bar...

is it dead or sleeping....give it a kick and see what happens.....

blah blah blah.....the last five nights i have gotten very little sleep....sleeping in hostels is difficult for me....and the last two nights before i left Paris i was out very late and up very early.....
it is catching up with me.....my mind is very dreamy, i constantly think about the same question over and over.....i can't answer it...my mind circles around it.....
Scandinavian people are sooo tall....and mostly not very good looking, tall or short ....at least for my taste....but there are so many people from all over here..... and i often feel haunted....those eyes...that smile....every day i get closer....i think more about her....i guess about you since i am sure you are reading this...which makes my feel like i should delete this last paragraph.....but i guess you get to know at least that i am thinking about you...and i wonder if i still would think of you  if i wasn't going north....at least as much.....
so....but there is oh so much more to it isn't there....
this is a blog...not a letter to you.....i like letters though....i should write them...i wish i got them...like people did in the old days....now people just post on FB and call that keeping in touch.....
Amsterdam has been fun so far...the people are great....service has been great  and friendly....last night i was out till five, and a little high from all the second hand smoke....
i did not like the red light district...it kinda sucks there....i don't pay for sex and the bars are filled with men trying to get their  liquid courage up and a couple girls taking advantage of the hordes of drunk horny men.....
i did get lucky though and found a great punk dive bar.....it just needed fernet and a bourbon list and it would have been perfect.....
i am tired but my choices are hang out in a hostel with annoying kids or wander around...there is no point to the direction in which i go....i just keep moving.....and i am worn out....and i feel stinky and dirty.....these are not snow conditions.....

come get it if you have the guts....

Fuck I am so happy to be out of France....the girls there are so timid and gutless....it is so fucking awesome to be in a place where the people freely express themselves....were they dance in the streets and smile.....fuck I missed smiles....
It has become very clear to me, snowflake, that i will see you...dancing, laughing, loving life........I could smile at you,  flash my eyes towards you,  sit next to you,  talk with you,  touch you so slightly,  kiss you even.. ...but if I do all that, I wont have respect for you....I can't....I want more.....

R No snowflake,  I  probably won't say hello I will just go about having a good time until you make me notice...because I am to be won....to the woman who demands me...the woman who claims me to be hers.....the woman who looks deep into my wandering eyes and says, "those eyes are mine. These lips are mine. This heart is mine.  You will no longer wonder what life with anyone else could be like. You love me and only me as I love you and only you.....forever....there is nothing to think about...now take me" and I will...with love so intense you won't believe it to be real.....love so giving, so tender,  so true....love you will never be able to replace....

This could all be much worse...

Hello snowflake....today is my sightseeing day in Brussels.....i saw everything worth seeing before lunch....nothing was very impressive.....i don't have the money to go into museums but i doubt there was anything i missed....it is a nice little town to stroll through.....and the beers are wonderful.....i imagine the chocolate here is just as fine....i would buy a box if you were here to share them with....but i just don't have that much of a sweet tooth.....
i have another 24 hours of time to fill here..... the weather is so nice and the people are so relaxed it could be really easy to spend all day at a patio sampling beers and talking about life....
Today had been an up and down crazy day....now I need a hug.....on the surface everything is OK....better than OK....I am city hopping in Europe.....but travel can be a little uneasy...not knowing who to trust...trying to save money but still trying to have fun...yah I could definitely use a hug....some friendly comfort....

love letters.....to nobody....

OK my love...i am in Brussels.....i just walked through downtown city centre .....stumbled on the gay friendly strip of bars and had a few beers with some locals....they spoke a bit too fast for me to keep up but my French is getting much better.... it is nice to walk into a place and just start talking with strangers....although it wasn't without effort....but a success that never happened in France.... they were OK, i got bored though....maybe you  would have had fun....
so rushing back to the hostel to shower,change,  and pee, i smelled that familiar sent of street fair food.....grilled corn.....i fucking love it ...so i turned and went for it....also figured they had to have bathrooms....

...and like Paris they brought the beach to the river for the summer.....but they did it much better here....they have a line of food stands and bars....the feel of it is more like a party and less of a way to ditch your kids..... it's much more like being at a exotic beach than Paris felt.....it is almost sunset here...the sun has filled my skin with warmth and now the breeze perfectly cools it....i strolled up and down the strip until i found a nice spot for dinner... you would love it.....a nice tropical drink....sand at your feet...the beat of the music moving your soul.....this would be a great start to our evening my love... your seat is here, empty for now...but someday we will figure it out and it will snow in SF...until then...much love from a beach in Brussels....yours always...

the end to a loveless story....

can't believe i am leaving Paris.... as much as i don't like this city....i can't imagine a city as beautiful...but then again the beauty  of it is only surface deep... and a place is only as good as its people....so on the road i go....i hope to find a city a like....i hope to be surprised....
but i still have about 24 hours left here... time for a good meal....and to say goodbye to my friends, bar tenders and bar flies of'course....none Parisians....
i think though if i had enough time and spoke the language i could find the good Parisians of the city....my server right now seems very nice....but then again she just said she spent time in SF and prefers it there....could just be polite talk though....
i wonder if any of the people I've invited to SF will take me up on it...funny if i have a parade of Europeans crashing on my couch in the future....
i truly am happy to be here....to know this city at least a little....but in the end Paris n i should just be friends....
these next three weeks i hope will be amazing....

dancing with myself.... but i want to dance with somebody....

i wasn't going to write today.... but the day brought me here anyway.... sometimes finding a place to eat can be very stressful....i had wanted to try out a spot but it was packed when i got there...starving and frustrated because things like this have been happening a lot lately i began to panic, yesterday i went most of the day without eating....i just hadn't found a place i wanted to eat at, so i kept moving.....eating alone sucks already, but it is so much worse when the house is packed and the server is swamped with higher ticket tables he spends way more time at then getting you anything.....i get it, it doesn't make me angry, but frustrated i can't get a good meal....if i had a partner on this adventure i would have no problem walking into many of these places....at least then i could talk with someone while waiting..... instead of sitting alone feeling like an unwelcomed fool....
anyway....so today i was trying not to fall into that same trap....of wandering around aimlessly starving and sad....and being that it is Sunday the grocery stores are closed...so stupid....so i walked...everyplace was too packed or too expensive or not what i wanted or too empty, my mind was killing me...that chatter in my head building the frustration...
that voice....sometimes it gets me where i need to be....sometimes it fills me with anxiety.... all the random ideas the ongoing arguments...traveling alone you get real acquainted with it....with yourself...
i recently have been trying to convince myself a life alone is my only choice so i could defeat that voice in my head that keeps telling me i should find someone to love...i feel frustrated,  relationships have not been kind to me....but i have to love....i argue that if i never knew what love was i would never miss it....the loneliness is sometimes very overwhelming...i can't function normally....the desire to love and have a family overwhelms me and the failure and inability to figure out how to make that happen is so stressful i have constant anxiety....seeing all these families here traveling together making memories....seeing all the young couples in love in Paris....i fucking feel so sad i don't have that, that i am not even close to having that...and then i think about how odd i am and chances and probabilities....of how not funny i am, how unmanly i am, how tiny i am...finding someone who wants a guy like me and is a girl that i want....impossible....and i go out and find no one...meet no one...i stumble home crying in the streets...trying to get home as fast as i can to curl up and pass out...........this is the voice i am trying to stop...to settle with being alone instead of crying over it....be happy and accept who i am....alone....
but i think both voices are wrong....i want to be in love...i want a family....there is nothing wrong with that.....i can't be sad about being alone.....i have learned and know i am an addict and will do anything and i mean ANYTHING for love, another reason i was staying away from love....i have sobered up though....i think my heart can see clearly now....i feel good about myself....i know the right girl will be very happy in love with me.....
so i think i am ready now...i feel better this way....so what does this really mean.......i am not out actively trying to make love happen,  smiling at every attractive girl that goes by...i think it is just trying not to get anxious....to be ok with failures of the day....to never let envy get the best of me. ..to be OK with being alone today, but to be able to want love without hurting for it...like saying you hope it will snow this year in SF,  knowing it probably won't happen....but it could....and if it doesn't maybe it will next year.....there is nothing you can do about it but live your life and hope....

lots of minutes left in today.....

Wow...lucky you....another day another post...a reflection of the fact that I am not doing much these days...after being on the road the last three weeks I have gotten into a groove here.....today I get the grand chore of cleaning and packing....

Or ...I wander around Paris again....I am out in the 5th...was on a search for oysters but the place was closed...so I decided a glass of wine was in order....sometimes I think the reason everyone sits outside is so they don't suffer how fucking rank they smell....all the smoking dulls the senses too, and all the coffees can't help either, making them swet more and sense less...
And so I go....now at a cake n tea shop....I had a craving for good cake.....cool little shop, not very Parisian at all...they do wedding cakes too so there are lots of wedding mags and the like....very much a chick place....but then I wonder...how weird would it be if I started to plan my wedding....it is the brides day for sure...but what if....I do have ideas but truthfully, she will be in charge....if that day ever happens....
I miss love........got to go!
Hi....you know how they say young men think about sex every 40 seconds or so....I think once we turn 30ish instead of sex we think of monogamous sex....every fucking minute.....do women think about chocolate and shopping as much as we think of sex....stupid biology.....Paris is perfect for women, expensive chocolate and shopping everywhere.....
Every fucking minute....

Just another ramble......none of you will get.. ..

I don't often get surprised by how someone acts....I generally am good at judging character, good at guessing how a person will respond, I think that its why I love people I don't understand...they are so interesting, I always want to find out what made them so different....
I usually don't get surprised by most people though....sometimes my lack of faith in the human spirit gets the better of me and I expect a cold shoulder or an empty gesture and get surprised by a wide open welcome.....I like that kind of surprise....I would have more faith in people if I found more that are kind....my friends are kind....they often surprise me....my many birthday wishes and notes since I've been away have warmed my heart....those are good people.....
I am thinking when I get back to the states I am going to visit many of them....couch surf tour around the states....well the coasts, i dont know anyone who would live in middle America...
Anyway, I might be a very cynical person,but I always have hope.....I probably seem more negative on this blog than I feel I really am...sometimes I read back and wonder if I was too harsh....but I try not to go back an edit too much...more times then not I am too loving I think....
I rarely hate anyone.....I try to be genuine and kind, I am a forgiving person and patient....these things I think are very true.. .but there are plenty of people I would rather not be around....and for the most part they don't want me around, so it works out.....
I wonder which comes first, me not wanting them around our they not wanting me around....maybe it is cuz they act coldly I chose to not like them... there have been times though I have been mean to someone I shouldn't have...
And in all this.....I wonder.... are you nice....did I misjudge you or misunderstand you....I definitely am confused...
I have hope.....I hope for an open mind and a kind heart....I hope for bravery to overcome fear....for individualism to win out over conformity....for honest  communication....today.
But I guess there is time.....a couple more days I suppose....

So much to do today....I wonder which direction i will

The corner of Rue Rambueteau and Rue Archives has become one of my favorite spots...for daytime anyway....Comptoir has breakfast all day and Le chinon across the street has a great wine selection for  cheap....& at Comptoir I can get a glass of mumm for 8e....not bad I think.....and from here I can walk down past the pompidou stroll through the squares and tourist watch, then across sebastibule take a peek at les Halles under construction right now but there still is a nice big square and fountain...then back down one of the saints and all its cheap shops selling tuns of tourist crap...maybe stop for a demi, there are a lot of touristy bars there, but the eagle was a good spot until it closed.... now is a good time to pick up a Velib... Paris is such a great city to ride a bike in, so flat and no crazy rules like in SF....orderly chaos on the sidewalks...also tons of people on crutches....
So next, maybe to the hotel de ville...during the summer there are all sorts of things going on there....soon they will have a big screen showing the Olympics...it is a good square to stop and sip a beer for a moment... then to the river sain, they recently shipped in tons of sand and made beaches on the streets at the banks of the river...it is OK to sit for a moment but more of a great place to park your kids if you had some.....
I choose to keep going....but in what direction, across to the Notre Dam on my way to the left bank, possibly Luxemburg jardin...or north towards the Louvre and tuillieres....I do feel more comfortable in the Latin quarter,  but the people watching is not as fun...I tend to go to tulieries...it is so beautiful...
Maybe pick up a pastrie on the way...or a torte if i am really hungry....by then it will be in the evening, still hours until the sun sets,  hours until a proper dinner can be had....hours to spend in the sun people watching and reading my book.....

Crazy....it is perspective....

Oh Paris.....it is another wonderful sunny day here.....for being as big as it is and with so much traffic the smog is not that bad....the river valley breeze keeps the air somewhat fresh...there is always a faint haze in the horizon, but I definitely have seen worse....
Today I got up late as usual, funny that noon is late for me now.....used to be a perfect hour for me to wake....at this time Paris is getting ready for it's lunch hour...I would love to go down to my corner spot and order a espresso, croissant, and an OJ,  the standard French breakfast... sitting outside enjoying the view and planning my day....but custom does not allow that here....it is lunch time and only lunch is served...I could get the coffee and probably the OJ if I stand at the bar, the tables are reserved for lunches....understandably so, they need to make their money....I think my sever would have an aneurysm while rolling his eyes if I tried to order the croissant...
Customs, rules,  maintaining a status quo...things I never have been able to agree with...not that I want to force my way on anyone else,  but it is the closed mindedness of others that bothers me..... I do believe you should learn and fallow local customs, up until they are ridiculous and outdated....
So I may be different,  that is no reason to be rude or refuse me service.....but that is what you get in Paris....fallow the rules or go somewhere else....
After some time here I have found the places I am welcomed at, friendly faces and kind service.... I can get what I want at the time I want it,  without the gasp and roll of the eyes....and I can sit and enjoy my cafe and people watch...such a good day for it today.....this is one French custom I really enjoy....

The sun sets too....

So....suddenly I care about my writing and what I post here....at least I did....I was so inspired by some stories I recently read and by my own voice, having something to write.....I took time in my writing, I thought it out and edited things....only one thing eventually got posted here but I have many pages waiting to go somewhere....but here on this blog....this is where I write with emotion, where I release my feelings and move on..... where I cry n complain n ramble drunkingly about whatever I feel like at the moment....
So, this being my birthday post, I should be posting a drunk'n ramble...but I am not drunk......yet...I am drinking a bottle of champagne in the park as I write this, so....
I am in such a different place then I was a year ago....I have always had a crush on someone in my life....some unrequited love, or at times reciprocal love...but there was always someone I longed for....
For the first time in my life I am completely love free, it is very sobering....

This first phase of my trip is coming to an end, ten weeks in Paris.....about 8 too many...I don't hate Paris but I for sure don't love it....my time was not wasted here though....I may have a new lowered opinion of the French, but I also met some very nice French people too, the rarity of that makes it even that much more special.....
The food here has been great...all over the country...my meal in Saumur was outstanding...speaking of food...I really can't wait to get to Sweden, I have been craving pickled herring for months.... those dinners at bo bannas parents house were so good....all my favorite types of dishes, and such nice people, I had a great time...what a whirlwind those few days were....up and down and crazy...that is what that relationship was, crazy....I still don't know what she was thinking, why she was so easily in love, obviously it wasn't real, she loved some idea of who I was instead of who I really was, I think ...for my part, I had sabotaged it from the beginning, underneath I couldn't be OK with how young she was, and emotionally I was in no condition to love again so soon after finally ending it with Bea... so depressed at that time....
Thank god I am better now, thank god she ended it, imagine if I moved to Sweden, what a mistake that would have been....
I am so grateful I met her though....it is because of her I am here.... she was my botom....I still love her, she is an amazing person and will do amazing things with her life, I had hoped we could be friends but at last I don't think it will happen, she means a lot to me, she is a very important person in my past, I had hoped to keep in touch, meet her many future boyfriends...discuss love, politics, and business...to share our worries and successes...to give and love as friends...ahh but my affection for her will probably have to die....my love is for those who are kind, welcoming, and sharing.....

Speaking of....I miss my friends....I love them so.........especially the French ones....this bottle is empty...time to find some fun.....

Thanks...for not being nice.....

This bruised rib thing had fucked me up more than I thought it would.....I can't sleep well , I can't breath, I can't stand up straight, and my back is killing me....it has left me uneasy all the time....I don't want to go anywhere nor do anything because of the pain....fuck! But I would do it again for sure.
Anyway, I was such a fool to think marriage is a given in life, that you could one day just decide it's time, go out and find somebody and get married, I had no idea how hard it would actually be, growing up I thought it was something that happens to everyone, someday inevitably you meet a girl, fall in love, and get married, stupid twenty something me just throwing away relationships, not trying to find love, what a fool I was...as I look around and see all the old unmarried men on the train with me...marriage is not in our future.....how cloud this be....how did I get here?
Just another example of how the older one gets the more they realise how stupid they once were....I was very stupid and very foolish...now I live with my choices ...But then I think about my niece who just eloped...barely twenty years old...to a guy I know she can do better than...taking her into a life in a small town with small opportunities....a life I could have chosen, I could have married that one girl years ago, settled....I would have my girls...but would I be happy...
Maybe...maybe I would be here with my girls instead of alone....maybe I would be divorced and more miserable....

Thinking about what maybe could have happened is boring....what did happen....I wasted nine years drinking in a boring bar in a boring town with boring people...then spent nine more years in never never land....
Now what.....keep trying? Do I keep trying? Does trying even matter.... what I want makes no difference...so I guess I wait n see...but that is  what I have been doing...I keep waiting for the right time...to fallow someone's  lead....then try....
Maybe I shouldn't wait n see...I am running out of time....
Am I waiting too long to choose...I am so picky and unsure, I so don't want to make the wrong choice, so I make no choice....and drift with what is easy....
Maybe it is time I become slightly more aggressive, I don't want to change who I am, nor do I think I could change so drastically, I am not an aggressive person by nature, I couldn't always be that person...I am patient and calm...that is who I am....but...maybe I am too patient,too calm, and too picky...
Or....I am afraid, unsure of myself...of making the wrong choice and being laughed at....
I think that is the biggest mistake of my life...I have fought for myself all my life, defended who I am and my choices , at opposition with my family....ridiculed by peers....at odds with society and status quoe, so as I became a man, I hesitated,  I let fear of unacceptence get me,  of thinking that I would be alone in defending my every choice,  fear of being wrong and laughed at again....
Unless I was drunk....then the fear would go away....and you would find me dancing on tables and making out with the girl society didn't see as beautiful as I do.... and my ideas seem so right and perfect.....
My biggest mistake of my life....wasting 18yrs in fear...waiting 18yrs for someone to be on my side....to fall in love, to be married...waiting to live my life.....

I am alone, and in such life will be more difficult.....but that is my only choice.....I have no one to support me,  no one to help me...my ideas seem crazy...but look at me...look where I am now....I got tired of waiting for someone to travel with....so here I am...drinking wine alone at a bar in the middle of France....no one I know would be here...would have gone to pamplona on a whim and slept in a park and ran with the bulls.....things I love...I am so glad my choices got me where I am today...I need to be more crazy and not care what anyone thinks, I will defend myself alone,  I will be laughed at,  I will be misunderstood,  but I will live.....it's not perfect,  not how I dreamt it, but at least I am no longer wasting my time waiting.....waiting for someone crazy like me....who has the guts to live crazy...

run...no sprint....hard...with every muscle.....death is chasing you....

UGH...Sorry about the stupid love relapse...I am a bit sleep deprived now....today is going to be a good day...some friends will be in town for a few hours on a cruise, yah I know a cruise to Paris...I guess they get to Normandy or something then jump on a train to get here....anyway...i began writing again yesterday...i think I have finally fine tuned my voice...and I think i finally have something to write...i have to figure out the exact story and who is going to be in it and what happens...i got tones of inspiration from Hemingway...he writes so easily and is so fun to read...i have a beginning anyway...writing what I know...i just need to find out where it goes...i like to write...like all things in my life it is a fun thing i like to do, but am not very good at, but for now it is enjoyable...until i hit a that rough difficult patch, where i get all in my head and dream of a world i had someone to bounce ideas off of and talk with, then i fail again, i get frustrated i am not great and I dont finish...just like my hundreds of songs I am working on, and my business plan, and my life....

anyway...I Love you...thank you for reading...whoever you are...

Only you can change my life...

Dear world I realize my dreams will never Come true I am too old, too shy, too fucked up, too unhappy, unapproachable, I will never find her, I will never meet my daughters, fuck that hurts to say...to spend half your life depressed the other half living for something that will never happen...to give up on my girls...what I thought why I was alive...I have no idea why I am here...but I know it is not to be happy, to be in love, to have my family...Penelope n AnnaLucia....my girls I will never get to hug, to teach, to be there for....love is not in my future....all I Ever wanted was love..........this is my relapse...........OK fuck it.....no love in my life but I don't care I don't need it...I got....I have.....well nothing is found.....I can never have anything I want but all the things u want....they come easy....such is life...I hate it but thank good every day for it....the point of this statement is to gain strength from not wanting things I cant have...to never hurt for things I dont have...to not care for the things I have no control over...I get the situation I am in and I understand that my life is out of my control when it comes to love...and so instead of living to find love, living to be something i may never be...I am deciding that my only priority in life is myself and a life lived alone...that is where I am most likely going to be....Not that I have given up, just that I no longer want for things I cant control...and for things that are very unlikely to happen anymore....my dreams will never come true...but I still have a life to live...so instead of being sad that those dreams are just that, i have to be something, I am not happy...but I am not sad....I am not content either...I dont know what I am....I guess I do...I am a zombie...again....

Work n sleep can wait...i have a life to live

Sometimes I can't believe how old I really am...about to turn 36....I met a couple 29 n 30, on their honeymoon....and our lives could not be any different...they were planning a family and settled down in careers... a few days earlier I met a couple my age and they were talking about their kids...I thought they were at least 5 years older than I am, I live life more like I am 26...I know that...in SF everyone is living like I do...yet I forget sometimes...we are not normal...
I am enjoying my life...I am happy I am no longer waiting for love n a partner to live it...I wasted too much time on bad relationships...I am sad I can't share these experiences with someone...but, it is better to live without love than to love without living....

So I made a rash decision to drink tonight...I have been getting very sad and lonely when I drink...I have a big bottle of sangria to finish...send me a hug please.

Just a thought....

If I die in want to be buried in a tight skinny fitted charcoal suit with very slight pink striping, with a pink patterned bow tie pink sparkled nails and Black boots, my Gorden hat...in a pink sparkled coffin with black n red interior...I want to be buried in a field in middle of nowhere Spain....I want my epitaph to read lived alone, died alone, buried alone...

gone today, here tomorrow, no idea what will happen next...

female friends are such pains in the ass.... I've never seen sleepless in Seattle but I here how it has this premise about straight men and women as friends, that eventually one will want to sleep with the other or both will, and it wont happen or it will and eventually just end up resenting the other for it happening or not....whatever, basically men and women cant be friends, sex always happens...but I disagree...i have many female friends who some i have had sex with some I havent and either way I treat them exactly as a friend...but women, there is my problem...some women cant keep the shit separate...some women will be your friend, talk to you, hang out with you, all up until they get a boyfriend and then bam it all changes...they are gone, things are different...I get if they dont have time anymore, but when there is time for their female friends but not you....fuck that shit...if that was the case lady then why didnt we make out more...if now it is weird to be with me because your in love then obviously you either think i want more from you or you wanted more from me....either way this is bull shit...especially when i lose a friend...

all i am saying is that if is a really fucked up word...if...if only...if this...if that...no more fucking ifs...just do it...just say something...push for fucks sake...

I am honest, i tried unrequited love and it sucks...it is an awful way to live...i refuse to do that again...so you will know if I love you...girls...just because i like to talk and hang out doesnt mean i love you...so fuck off for ditching me now that you are "in love" the rules didnt change for me...i still feel the same about you...if they changed for you you better reevaluate how you feel about me...and speak the fuck up...I dont play games...

you cant propose to treat me as a friend, you cant tell me you dont love me that way, then not treat me like a friend, then not respect my feelings...choose which is it...because my love was yours and you pushed it away, you made the choice i didnt want to make...i am just living by that choice, now you stick with that choice or fucking get some balls and talk to me...

fucking bullshit...

You may know the facts of my past, but you dont know the man I am now...

Today I will lose....and tomorrow you can find me again when the sun rises.....I will be boxing for your heart....and in your apathy I will always be knocked out...

the more I drink the more I fall in love...the more I love the more I need to drink...when you get down to it I am a bar fly...my defense is to drink so much you can't stand me...there are two reasons left to be here...and one sure thing...the longer I am here the sooner they find me out...and then there will be none...

Oh love of my life.....I don't know how to approach you...how to say hello. ..how to start our adventure ...Because the dead dont speak...and at the same time you are standing next to me wondering why I won't talk to you....you are beautiful, strange, amazing, and just as unable to speak to me as I am to you........so how do we begin..........love doesn't always find it's way...sometimes it gets lost and never happens.....

Bye for now ....

Disease is a horrible thing..my mind is full of fantasies, make believe conversations n  arguments with invisable  strangers...and so I resort to my phone...today starts a wonderful weekend of music...I am seeing  lagwagon tonight...I love music...i am  horrible with remembering names n titles and can never remember the words to a song.. ..but this band I know nearly every song off their first three and a half albums...there are no other songs I have heard more during my life...I always  play Hoss  when I am heartbroken...I am hopeful about seeing them tonight...I know they probably won't play many of the old songs,  there are only two original band members  left anyway.. .but I am in need of a good  time...I got homesick last week...as  strang as that is...I need a good fun night out, I've come across to many jerks recently...they are easy to find here in Paris....I can't seem to fallow the rules here....they don't like that...n I don't like rules....

Paris is no longer burning...the real one that is...

Movie night tonight...I am watching "Love in the Afternoon"...I Love Audrey Hepburn...she picked great movies to be in too...I grew my Love affair with Paris in part because of her movies...many of them are set in Paris...when people talk about Paris they almost always use the words beautiful and romantic...I had always wanted to visit this city with someone I was in love with...maybe someday I might still do that...

I am watching this movie in hopes it will reinspire me, to remember why I wanted to come to Paris, I am also reading "The Sun Also Rises" be Hemingway....I never read him before, there are many references to him in pop culture, many writers looked to him for inspiration...I dont read much overall but it's these kinds of Authors i enjoy reading...the other night I was out and I wondered what would Hemingway do here...would he still come to Paris...

I dont know...I think that about SF as well, would Burroughs and Ginsberg still go there, they all come here though, Paris, everyone must make a stop here at sometime in their life...this is my very brief stop...but today is so much different than before...there are no artist communities anymore, there are no cities were enclaves of creative people live and help each other survive in until the next novel or art exhibit is made.... commercialism has killed that...artists are different now...they create for paychecks shaping their art to fit the masses...

the internet has changed it all as well...now you dont need to be connected physicality to get your break, anyone can be discovered anywhere...I mean do you think Alice Mcdermott, Anne Tyler, and Michael Chabon are hanging out sharing each others work over cigarettes and booze...that shit doesnt happen anymore...

Cities like Paris, New York, London, San Francisco...they all used to be where you had to go...where opportunity could find you...now all you need is a wifi connection....

I am not over Paris yet...i only barley know it...did you know they do not have any drag shows here...that should tell you something right there...

Eyes are the windows to the soul...

I found the secret to why Nutella tastes so good to me...it's all in the eyes, big beautiful eyes, and a soft chin to round them out...did you know there are masculine and feminine facial features, I apparently have more feminine features...luckily for me some women like that...but not most, and in my opinion i prefer that...we are a rare special group of people....and she will find me very fucking cute, as I her...

I took this BBC test, check it http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/ , do the brain sex test, it said my mind is equally feminine and masculine, I scored high on everything especially empathy...

"Empathising

Your empathy score is: 16 out of 20
Average score for men: 7.9 out of 20
Average score for women: 10.6 out of 20

What does your result suggest?

Empathisers are better at accurately judging other people's emotions and responding appropriately. If you scored 15 and above, you are very empathic and would be an ideal person to comfort people in a time of crisis. Women in general are better at empathising."

I was surprised at first that my all around results didnt come out more feminine...but then I thought about it and the truth is I am balanced...just compared to the average dip shit dude I seam girly...but compared to the world I am neither one or the other but a great mix of both....

earlier today I was stressing about my eyes...they are too big and make me look feminine, that is why more people find me attractive with eyeliner on because it makes them look smaller...same when i wear my glasses....but knowing that science has proved some women like big eyes, that it's not as rare as I thought....well, feels better...

but tonight I am wearing eyeliner, and I am not shaving off my beard which makes my jaw look more masculine...because even if she likes a more feminine face, she still wants a man....funny I have to wear make up to look more masculine...

Not that I am going out to find her...but if she is here in Paris...well,

What am I doing today?

Todays objectives:  people watch with a cafe n croissant...run around jardine tulier until I can't run anymore....eat something fantastic...find a bar to watch some football game everyone is talking about....practice French....eat another fantastic meal....find a way to pass out early....

"Is that normal where you're from?" ummm....no...but nothing is....

I love talking with strangers....i have not always been so able to talk with others...i used to find it difficult to fill in the silence...but now as i sit next to strangers...i find myself making friends everywhere i go...and it is not like i am gregarious or loud, here in europe it is because i am not those things, because i am not those things i am able to find others who are worth talking with...and in our corner we can mock those crazy loud annoying americans....i am happy with who I am, I am becoming happier with who I am growing to be...i am happy to meet such nice people here in Paris...and I hope to make lasting friendships, so far i can not tell, i may have met these people for only one night, one day, shared one moment...but I hope, I think it would be special to make a life long friendship with someone here...

That is who I am...I walk into a place and i meet someone, and i quickly judge and maybe if i am feeling it i open myself up, and then if you are an open fun caring person....I am inviting you to share with me anything and everything...what is mine is yours, and where i go you are always invited....all I ever ask is show me respect, friendship, caring, sharing, and love...and you will always get that back from me in return....

Some people take me up on it...see how far you are willing to go with a stranger...how far are you willing to trust someone on instinct...if you know me you know I will travel anywhere go into any building fallow you to any establishment eat any dish and jump off any cliff based on trust and honesty, and you should know you can fallow me, n trust me to show you a wonderful great time in my city...there is no limit or no place too private....and maybe in doing so I make friendships i will never forget....

Realizing I might not be back to Europe, at least for a few years.

Ok....so....I changed my mind...I have a list of restaurants I want to try....of dishes I can't wait to eat....that is my world right now...
I am enjoying my time here but am looking forward to Aug, to traveling through Brussels and Amsterdam...i could just go without a plan it's only two Weeks, I will be in London the 14th so I could just wander until that date...stay in hostels by the night....
Tonight I am going out back to Candelaria, the only bar I felt comfortable at here. I know I can be presumptuous at times, but I am an open book who has no idea who is reading me....so I make guesses...and therefore I can't write things I ordinarily would, this is not a place for dialogue, so I am going to FB you instead.

I need a new hat....

Hmmm...so....again....I am way to much into my head....always talking to myself....no one else here to talk to....

I keep wondering why so many people love Paris so much....I have yet to figure that out....I don't know why people say SF is the Paris of America, I don't know what that means....Paris definitely is not the SF of Europe....

I keep battling with myself as to wether or not I like this city...night life for the most part is not as lively as I thought it would be....
There are beautiful women during the day but the nights are filled with drunk girls...

luckily that is not why I am here....unless things change I know I do not want to live here....

the other day I was reminded why I am here...watching my saved cooking shows from Paris helped me...no reservations reminded me that it is the food and wine that brought me here....
And to continue my quest of fine bistros and pastries, I am going to pick up a new pastrie on the way home from this brasserie where I have been watching the people pass by all day while sipping on my cafe, then later try a spot out in the Ober again tonight....
This is my life in Paris...food, wine, cheese, and pastries....don't you wish you were here.

Dream a big fucking dream....

So my last post has been bothering me ever since I wrote it...one I hate generalization, two I never know what I am talking about, three beauty is deeper than the skin....
Anyway, I fucked myself up last night, err yesterday, all the walking/running/jogging has caught up to my old legs and parts...i could barely make the walk home last night and spent all night tossing and turning in pain, not very good...
Still hurts today...I guess ten hour walks around the city is out of the question for a couple days...
I need to spend some time in anyway and plan the next part of my trip, I will be in London for a week then back to Paris for another, but the first two Weeks of August are open...then it's off to Spain....
So I was thinking Amsterdam, and maybe a stop in Germany.........Stockholm u ask, why not....yes I have thought about it....in a dream world it would be easy and natural, "hey how are you, I am "in town" so to speak I have some time n could come visit"....
I am reminded of that scene in 360 days when he goes to the party and there is a split screen of the dream and the reality...although I don't expect to get back together with her or anything like that, my dream is for friendship, ha I don't even get the realty of that movie, which seems correct some how....
I guess it is a bit much to ask someone you've only known in realty for a month to put you up for the weekend...if the shoe were on the other foot I would definitely invite her to stay at my place, no strings attached, but that is who I am...I invited everyone I know to come with me to Paris, still hopping someone will take me up on that, even exes, but I guess I am different, again....
I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask though, maybe I can put her up for a weekend here in exchange...might be a lot to ask though....she doesn't even want to talk...

I made a choice...for once...........maybe...

So when you were busy and having fun the days go by very fast...my time here has been a stand still...I try to keep myself busy but there are only so many museums to see and a limit to how much info your brain can take in a day....so between hours of French lessons and hours more of researching on the net, and a French movie, there seems to be half a day left to fill....i mostly spend my time walllking around, going for a run, exercise, long meals, yet during those activities I am in my own head, alone....
I seem to keep hitting that traveling alone sucks wall....I get it when you're young and out every night meeting strangers....but I am not interested in the kids here...

Although I must say I am in love with a certain type of French women, the style, the beautiful faces, short petite gorgeous women, very modest make up, outfits perfectly put together, but without seeming to try at all...I am extremely picky when it comes to what I find attractive...i think my dream girl is French....
to be honest this is something of a big deal for me to say....it is like living your life without nuetela, maybe u  had things like it, or tasted it before but it was always rare and hard to find, you knew you like it but you couldn't single it out in all the flavors your world offered, but now you're in a new world and nuetella is everywhere and tasted better then ever noticed before....in fact if you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life you are certain it would be that, not chocolate, not cake, not candy, not cheese....you found your true favorite...it's like that....

Little steps to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...

Ok so...I forgot why I was here....so the other night I got locked out of my building...not my fault this time....the building door code was changed and nobody bothered to tell me....so I got home at about one from an exploration trek of some punk bars....when I realized I am fucked....i did not have my French cell on me so I couldn't call my land lady... my best option was to find a late night bar I could hang out at until the morning and then wait till someone can let me I the building....
I ended up at some bar not very crowded but lively....it was actually my first late night out here....it reminded me a lot of Mexico bars during spring break...the girls were so young everyone there amateurs....learning their way through bars, love, life, and flirting...i was very amused but felt very much like I was playing adult games with infants...too easy and not very fun....sorry but girls under 25 are boring....
But for a moment I had that feeling like I could go out ever night and meet easy strang women and make out in dark corners...I could spend my time here like that...having fun partying....
the bar closed and I said goodbye to my new friends of the night...then waited for about an hour in the park in front of my building watching the sun rise, the weather was perfect, the park very serene, I was locked out of my building, but happy I was not in freezing, cold, dirty SF,  finally someone left the building and I was able to get back in...
The next day I was a bit tired from the long night and decided to stay in bed and watch some TV..that is when it all started to come together....

These lips, this gaze, my kindness....they are not for rent...

I just had the worst nightmare....it just reminded me of how 90% of my relationships went and more so how most of my life felt...used and taken advantage of my niceness, lied to and mislead....I had nightmares last night too.....
maybe it is the isolation....beings me back to my childhood....no one to talk to....
there was ab time when I believed the three most important  things i'm my life I could not live without were love, socializing, creating, and accomplishing goals....and right now  all I am doing is taking down little goals, like today I will see three museums and do four hours of French lessons, tiny goals...
My heart is dead so I don't need love....and my soul has been uninspired for a long time so creating isn't happening, I don't knew what part of me needs the socializing, but it is starving...it was so well fed in SF...now nothing....
I feel awful from my nightmare, reminded of how awful the women of my past have been....and how much I am afraid to love again....
I must get going....concentrate on tasks and not think about anything else.

At the parc....

I am not sad to be alone...surrounded by all these people enjoying there time with their friends....for me being alone is normal....even when I had a girlfriend I spent much time alone doing things....it used to make me sad...
I used to believe my purpose in life was to be a father, a husband, to love...i used to want that very much....but it is a fools game to want love....it is the one thing you can't make happen....you can't go out and say I am going to make love happen today....it doesn't work that way...you can put yourself out there, date everyone, be the perfect boyfriend...but still not find love....
For me love is off the table...I no longer long for it...I no longer believe I am here for love...i no longer look for it...I did close myself off from it....because I realized I was addicted and controlled by it...but no longer...I am "dry" and "sober"....I do think I am ready for it now...but I no longer will allow myself to settle...I will only date those I am initially attracted to...only those who have their shit together...women who are ready for long term relationships and love....
I don't know how to attract those girls, or where they are, in fact I am not sure I know how to do that kind of love....but I am open and ready to try....
if it comes my way I will let it happen....but....that being said....my  thoughts are about what I am going to do next...and how I am going to do it...

Why wouldn't I take the road less traveled....

Ok...so I am at a crossroads in my life...I guess that is why I am here....people always tell me I would love Europe...and since I am so frustrated with San Francisco....I had to come see....judgment is still out on this city....the people seem so much more my type....but there is still more to learn.....
I have a choice of two very difficult things too do with my life...do I open my restaurant in SF....or do I do something here...the more difficult one would be to do something here....one, would my restaurant idea even work here....maybe I should open a BnB  instead...or somekind of combination of the two....or something completely different...a tour guide business or a wine shop....
I am so late in my life....to think in five years I will be over forty...but most of my friends in SF are forty now....so I do have time....
I could have the option of trying to live here for three or four years...or one or two...our at least until I know plan "make something happen in Paris" is impossible...
There is this big thing about money though...there of only so much of it...and if I use it all up here I might lose my chance to open something up in SF....
The question is...should I be trying to learn French or work on my business plan for when I get back....because the truth is I have to do Paris now....I can't see trying to start from scratch here when I am forty...unless I find a euro partner...but that is a big if I can't count on...
So I guess I answered my question....I should try to learn French....I should try to get a visa....which seems harder then starting a business in  SF...
In any case...i have to do something hard...so far in my life I've only done easy things.

boogers....

Hello....nobody....I have always lived by the rule that where you are is only as good as the people you are with....it is the human connections we make that determine the enjoyment one gets out of life....but when you are alone...what does that mean...here i am all alone...it is hard to compare to when i first moved to SF and I was all alone...back then i was sooo depressed and loved obsessed that i couldn't be happy...but now things are much different...i am not wandering the streets at night hoping to find love...sad that i am all alone...no now I am wandering the streets, alone....that is it. But the truth is i will never know this city until i meet it's people...and to do that takes time...and an in....like SF i first had to meet one person,which was hard in it self because SF people dont make friends when they are out...it had to be done through a job, then through them i met everyone else, like a pyramid....this language thing is making things very difficult....i cant get a job....so i cant meet someone...

since that being the case i think i am resolving to try an come up with a plan B....Plan A of finding a way to move here does not seem possible...but what is plan B....

Je suis une flèche en plein vol....

So...i was walking around checking out my hood...and I thought...this is no more romantic then anywhere else....where is the beauty....frankly looks like a city...so I keep walking in no direction and then I look up through the clearing and there is Tuileries Garden...and the city opens up.....and I cried....it was amazing....so beautiful.....
That was yesterday.....today I decided to walk in a different direction....through many hoods...a few sights...and I can say yes this city is big enough for me...but I am so frustrated....I hate that I can't speak French....this is so annoying....i wish I new some French...so lucky are those who learned at an early age...wish I knew at least enough to say hello...I suck...also....I feel like this is such a waste....I don't know what I am looking at...and I have no one to share this with.....what is the point of being here if I have no one to take pictures with...no one to make funny possess next to statutes with....
I am going to go home in three months and nothing is going to change....still misplaced in SF....with no idea...I need an umbrella....

My heart my not be here...but I am leaving plenty of love....

I am sooo excited about being in Paris in two  days....all the things I get to see....the more I think about it I wonder why u didn't do this sooner.....like most things in my life.....I tend to lag forever...I have planned out my train ride from the airport....going to take a walk to the apartment through the city....
It has been amazing this last few days here in SF....everyday had been an amazing adventure....I left my house early everyday and did not return until the wee late hours...just to wake up the next day and go on another spontaneous adventure....my friends have been very dear....they all have been very positive and carrying of me....I am so fortunate to have such good people in my life....this city and it's people have shown me why I have loved it so much...
But still....paris....

If you couldn't tell I was drunk last night...not sure who that was directed to...stupid love creeping in when I am tipsy....in other news....I think I secured a place in Paris for the first month finally....now back to trying to put the pieces together from yesterday...what an epic day....

You look at a girl and you think if I pulled your name I would kill your world better then anyone you know....I can do things three brain won't effort inkstand.....I will be there...I wile lonG you...I am the best you can do...but you Won't even look my way....

San Francisco 1 everywhere else 0

more of me....or something like that...

I was having fun...then i sobered up...i saw you for who you are...you found me out...and now I am here again in this place trying to not be...i used to be depressed, i was obsessed with love, i had no control over my life...but then i died...who i was anyway...and now...now what?

I've never had someone say...you make a good couple...or she is perfect for you....

This is wrong....I don't belong

It doesn't matter anymore....what one was supposed to do...where one should be....love.....there is none.....there will never be.....truth....how we fit...where life is....what I was made for....
I  will be in Paris next week.... this joke will soon be over....i have no reason...I was never loved...and now I am addicted to it...and in such I will never be able to have it....never.

Wasting time....

So....I am doing this celibate thing....zombiefied....my heart is dead it no longer beats...yet I still walk n talk and drink....drink....and  boooze.....
So anyway....I found out I am addicted to love....I have a crazy reaction to it where I will do anything and put up with anything and sacrifice everything for it.....and I used to think that was love...that was what I wanted from someone else that kind of dedication...i wanted someone to be addicted to me like I was to her....
Now I realize that its not healthy or right..
So I have been weening myself off the addiction...I have squished down my emotions and have basically rehabed off the drug...
so now that I am sober....I am able to push loves away....and here I am with an attraction...I am attracted to someone....
I am lost..I don't know how to have a healthy relationship....
I don't know how to do this...
Actually.....

Music makes me so happy....u.....yah...I may have been addicted to your love....but still u made me happy too..

On the road to recovery....

Did I hit bottom...I guess I did, why else would i do those things....was it Love or just addiction....truth is, I didnt love most of my exes....I am an addict...A Love addict....and once you cuddle next to me, look into my eyes and smile...I am hooked...and every thought I have is how I am going to spend more time with you....addicted....and addicts do anything for one more hit...

LAA
Love Addicts Anonymous

The Twelve Promises

1. I have a new sense of freedom because I am letting go of the past.
2. I am hopeful about my future relationships.
3. I can be attracted to someone without falling in love overnight, and I can fall in love without obsessing.
4. If love does overwhelm me I do not act out in addictive ways.
5. I can tell the difference between fantasies and reality.
6. I do not have to control the ones I love nor let them control me.
7. I experience relationships one at a time and I do not get involved with “unavailable” people.
8. If my basic needs are not being met, I can end my relationship.
9. I can leave anyone who is abusing me either verbally or physically.
10. I do not do for others what they should be doing for themselves.
11. I love myself as much as I love others.
12. I look to my Higher Power for strength, guidance, and the willingness to change.

Confessions of an affection addict....

I realize who I am....what my biggest flaw is....the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem....Hello my name is Eddie, and I am an affectionolic.....

The lottery is 85 million.....my jackpot is love.

Ok....i land in Paris on the 18th of may....i am leaving SF after 9 years of fun....i quit my job, i gave a months notice, i gave myself a week to get shit done before i go....i should have quit a week earlier....i am stressing on having enough time to do everything i need to do....i have lagged on finding a place to stay....i couldn't decide on how long to get a place for....i finally decided to get a place through june. In hopes of finding a room to rent or my own place by then...on hopes of maybe finding a job too....probably somewhere where i can speak english....i will not be able to speak enough french for awhile....i moved here not knowing anyone, no experience, and no clue.....this time i have less....dont know the language and have no idea what i am going to do....but i imagine in nine more years i will be sitting at a bar with "friends" planning my next move...

Almost home.....

San franciscans find relationships to be a burden....the thing about people is that we all have something we want to go to someone else to help us with...we all are working at it....and here in SF no one wants to help because they r too busy trying to do it themselves and complaining about having to help others....that is why u dont find children here....that is why everyone goes to bed early....that is why u belong here and I dont....i feel

To feel is to be alive....

Today....or...last night....well since I quit two days ago...well....i put in notice of resignation.....on thursday...I have been on a whirlwind of chance....i have had more to drink then to eat....i have had very little sleep as well....but this has not been a celebration...nothing has changed....i have seen beauty, but i am dead....I am a zombie....my heart does not beat....i stagger around in no direction...with one thing to find....booooze....zombies never regenerate....they never come back to life, real normal life.....but I have....once when u found me, I let you bring me back....that was a mistake...I was not ready....I have been cursed now....I have to wait this time...i have to know she is ready, i have to stay undead....i can not wake up from this stupor yet...i dont know those words....i must go to work....i have no time for anything else....work then sleep...and when there is no work i must drink....i am a zombie...and there are no zombie love storys.....there is just this wall i keep bumping into as i stagger about....if there are doors here....i do not understand them....

today could be the most important day of my life....

I am ok. Took a sleeping pill last night...those things always leave me feeling a bit down the next day...but I am going to get some sun, have a good breakfast, and drink some strong coffee....i messaged a girl yesterday whom for some reason I have been very nervous to do so...something in her eyes that calls to me. It went strangely well, she must be a very nice person. I have lots to do today, most importantly is get a haircut, and unfortunately my regular barber of the last 6 years is out of town for a month...I am screwed, my hair is tricky and not just anybody can cut it...I am afraid to go to some salon and get the newbie scrub cuz I am a walkin and they are going to not know how to handle my hair and fuck it all up....this always happens...Let's hope I get lucky huh....maybe I should shave it all off and go bald....no....

Here is a novel idea--- what if food was free...this feels like a Swedish idea  - but what if the people through taxes and subsidies created free food for everyone....you go to the grocery store and you pick what you want and go...someone scans it, some one bags it, but you owe nothing...it is free, the gov pays producers to produce it, pays distributors to distribute it, and retailers to offer it...then everyone can eat...for free, no local starvation...but you can still eat out...the cost of food is zero so everything will be cheaper, but you still pay for the service and experience and the chef...you can go to grocery stores that have shoppers and you give them a list and they bring back what you want and you pay for that a premium, so there still is classicism and small businesses making money, you will still have organic or specialty farms that produce higher end foods at a cost too so some food producers will will be better than others and therefor be aloud to charge more...but when the base cost is zero for something, the premiums are not going to get very high...table wine would be free...Chateau Lafite still $500 a bottle...but Mondavi Cab would be $8 a bottle...

In truth this already happens...farmers are gov subsidized already...the idea is to expand it more and drive food costs all the way down...so everyone can eat...anyway....now I am hungry...bye

It's about who you are....

So...soon it will be the end of the third year since i was 17 that i have been single....of the last 19 years i have been single three of them....tonight has been a great reminder of love....i met bumped into some scandanavian girls on vacay...normally things could have progressed into some sort of fling....but all i heard as she spoke was an accent of heart break...i think i like being friends  with my exes so that it is easier to get over them....because eventually i learn more about the girl and get to know them well enough to stop caring and feel nothing...right now i am stuck in the still in love faze....if only i had more time to get to know you i would have learned enough to not care so much or love anymore and be over it...but instead tonight i was reminded of heart break...and last night i bumped into a girl i could have started something with but passed....and on my walk home tonight i bumped into her again....but avoided it...and then there is that crazy girl at work....who reminders me of all the girls i loved and didnt love me...of the girls who see me as nothing but a friend and they love talll stupid charming shallow guys i am nothing like...but fuck do i love those girls...soooo....here i am reminded i am not that good looking, not that lovable, and not that cool....or.....misunderstood.

another day on my street....

stop...my heart cant take it....love is everything....

soooo.........i love you....i miss you....who the fuck are you....i came home tonight.....and am half a bottle of wine through....time is running out fast....time...i fucking hate time...there is never enough of it....and once it is gone you can never get it back....i hate it...because no matter what you do it keeps going....you cant stop it...you cant fast forward it....time flies when you are having fun and it comes to a stand still when you are miserable.....time hates you...time, fuck it...sooo....a year has passed....almost....and yet here you are...i am going to paris soon....i have to decide for how long....do i just give up my place here.....do i look for work in london for the olympics....do i go to Spain....

fuck this shit....in the end I am over this city....i want love...my life needs it....and i cant find it here....

Life is easy...when you have the instructions....

Brutal honesty - left to my own devices I can be very lazy - without somewhere to go and someone counting on me to be there and no consequences for not showing up, well...i will spend all day in bed, doing nothing....in fact i have spent years doing nothing....I have wasted much of my life...i very much regret that....i feel bad about it...and yet....i waste away days all the time...

On the flip side i love working, I work 60+ hours a week, I split my days off because two days in a row off was too long and I got board...so here is the thing....I am about to quit my job, and I have no idea what I am going to do next, but what I dont want to do is waste away my time...i dont have much time left to waste...so part of me doesnt want to quit because i like having a job, but most of me knows it is the best thing to do, but without someone holding me accountable I am afraid I wont do shit....I know this sounds ridiculous to you, maybe immature or a week excuse....But the brutal honest truth is that I lack dedication, I always have, I always have struggled with this, i remember being in grade school and wondering why I procrastinated so much, why i spent my days doing nothing but thinking about the things i should do instead of doing them, and then letting that anxiety grow and grow and paralyze me....

Over the years I have changed and found ways to overcome the anxiety and be more productive....but I am still weak, I still waste away days....the cause of this is not my question right now......genetics, chemical imbalance, how I was raised, personal immaturity and cowardliness, whatever the reason, the problem exists, and I am afraid of not accomplishing my goals...

This is my greatest fear...to die alone and to have nothing to show for my life...only because i did nothing...

Right now I am very busy...working hard long hours....but i have no time for love, no time to learn the things I need to know, no time to make the things I dream of happen....very busy, doing nothing....

but how do I find drive and dedication in myself to do the things i have to do...i believe in myself, i know i can do them, i just dont know how to start....

I know you will....

So...i took a step back and let the slackers take on some of my burdens....to make a point and because i didnt care anymore....i didnt care because i have sold out and am selling crap....and my job has been reduced to its lowest elements....there is no creativity allowed....there is no reward for hard work....so i let someone earn their pay....and i got writen up because they complained about me
...i didnt defend myself or worrie about it because in the end i just dont care....i dont care because i know i am better than that place and my best is too good for them....not to sound conceded but....the place needs help....so i did less and my service was shity....i dont like the guests and i dont like the food and i dont like the way it is run....it is cookie cutter corporate rules that leave nothing for enjoyment....because sometimes the guest is wrong...and sorry but working a staff to the bone makes no one happy....and my job is nothing but babysitting unhappy workers....soooo not worth my time....so i am going to quit....i have my trip to france booked for may 17th....and then....

Sooooo fucking bored....call me....

So i left my house without my keys today....it is four am and i am at the diner by my house killing time....i am exhausted....not just cuz it is late....not just cuz i worked 12 hours today of running around up and down stairs dealing with annoying hungry people all day...not cuz i am on five hours of sleep a night...or that i have been working 60+ hour weeks....i am exhausted because i am bored....my work is soooo fucking boring....it is the easiest shit to do....no brains required....just smile and fallow the lists of shit to do....i fucking hate lists....and this job is full of them....
So my roommate sometimes wakes up around 5....i am hoping he does and he answers his phone and lets me in....and maybe i can still get my five hours of sleep in....
This fucking sucks....wish i knew someone awake right now....well someone sober and awake that is....ok wrote a thingy here....now how to kill more time....

Do you have what it takes to become a candy expert..

Ok...this work week schedule is funky...i had two days off...work two very busy days...then two more off....i got out of bed today....well this afternoon after i finally sobered up and i feel very energized...usually i am dead tired at work right now...so i am stoked to have a day off and feel like i can do something with it....and then i realized i have fucking tomorrow off too!
So i have had no time to try to learn french....i am worried about that....but whatever...do you know the 10000 hours rule....i am on hour two of french....soooo...yah....i wonder what hour i am on running restaurants....i wish our lives had stats we could read....i love stats....you could readily see how much youve walked in your lifetime, or today...how many peanuts you've eaten, how many penises you've seen, i swear i have seen more than any other straight guy who doesnt work in porn or is a doctor, lets say out of the workplace penises....yah ive seen a lot of them in this hood...walking around, at the park, my friends flashing me, my roomates and their friends walking around the flat, the guy helicoptering his in the window across from my building....they are everywhere....yah i wonder what my stat is on that compared to the world....maybe when we die...if there is a heavon....we can see our stats...how many ants you killed, how many times you lied, how many times you made me smile....

Puss puss bella...
(I think that is going to be my new goodbye...i like the phrase...)

It was better in my imagination....

So strolling through safeway while waiting for the buss i overhear someone laugh and exclaim "what the hell is a digestive cookie, that sounds disgusting" and i go over to check it out...and yea safeway has digestive cookies, which i found hard to explain why that sounds wrong to my euro friend who introduced me to the cookies awhile ago....and then i turned down the corner to the digestive isle where you find things like tums and exlax....so you can see how eating a digestive cooking sounds gross....makes u think ur eating something that is going to make you shit....anyway...

So tell me about that....

So i have interviewed a good fifty people or so in the last two weeks....hired three people so far....one has dropped out already....it is fun interviewing people...its like going back to my old day bartending days....did you know i had no idea how to have a conversation until i was 27ish....before then i was silent....i didnt know what to say to a person....i didnt know how to keep a conversation going...how to show interest and inquiry....before i was in awe of those who could talk for hours...see i had no friends growing up...my family only spoke in commands to me....i just never was taught...the friends i did make never spoke too...we would go out to the bars and nothing...just drink and bits of small talk...i was unbelievably bored...i didnt converse with my girlfriends either...mostly small talk and sex....it wasnt until i got to SF and found out that people do talk when they are out...and i got this job at a slow bar with talkative regulars....and through just trial and error and sheer need to be able to keep a convo going or be bored all day i learned how to do it...

In a dream...you are real....

Tonight would be nice to text you....hopefully on your way home from your long day at work too....and ask you if u were down for a bottle of wine and some cheese and cured meats....and we could get home around the same time and chill...massage your feet....rub my shoulders....and talk....talk....talk until it's super late...but it doesn't matter...because the energy gained and the stress lost from just being with you and being cared for and loved will get us through the rest of the week...whatever it has in store for us....
But i have a boring household waiting for me....a cold room with laundry all over my bed....and insomnia....
I wonder what life is like having someone you trust whom you can call and talk to....a parent, sibling, friend....i am no orphan, but sometimes it seems like it....

Just in case you didnt know...

Today is a good day to play....play with friends, play with music, to play games, dance, and laugh all day and into the night....XXOO

If you look into my eyes...what would you see...

I love. I can. I have. Sometimes you just have to go with what your gut tells you is right....my gut tells me it will be hard...it will put me back...but it will be worth it....so i can do the easy thing and stay in bed...or....or.........so much personal connotation with that word....
But anyway.....it was sunny today again...it was nice to sit out in the sun....spend time with friends...i feel so misunderstood....always....i get i am hard to figure out...but you would think you would meet one person in ur lifetime that understands you.......i did the okc thing....such a waste of time....my ex found me on it....we are 59% match....it is soo confusing how i could have been so in love with someone that today i have such little attraction to..
Why do i keep falling for horrible women....how do i keep having shity relationships...why is it the women i am attracted to always end up just being my friend...maybe i need to be more aggressive when i am attracted to someone...but it is more they are not attracted to me....it's not like i am trying to date supermodels, truth is i am very selective with whom i am attracted to...but whatever...i got out of bed today....it was a good day so far....a little time left in it...wonder what will happen...

Your prize is me....

Five days down...one to go...when you are on salary....it is never a good idea to count your hours....62 so far ten more to go....my body is hurting....and usually i feel great about this kind of kicking ass and such but tonight i feel like my time was wasted....only cuz yes i did a great job and kicked ass...but in the end someone shity could have gotten things to an end and the day done, and be in the same place....meaning no one fucking cares....my hard work could be shity and have the same end....so i feel unaccomplished....i feel like what i did doesn't matter....kinda like me and you....

Lets escape into each other...

ugh fucking bullshit...how do people do that...just quit on their jobs...now I have to pick up the slack....so annoying....i dont have the time or the energy or the desire for this shit....tonight is going to be a fucking nightmare of a shift...fallowed by a fucking shity week...and it comes down to feeling like I am raising someone else's baby...and I am too nice to say no...fucking hate being a nice guy sometimes...it doesnt always pay off...but I hate myself when I act like an asshole...I have to be me...I have to go to work now...I have to finish my job and perform beyond my responsibilities cause that is who I am....as far as where I am going, what I want, what I deserve, I would rather talk about you...what do you want, where are you going, do you want to sit by the fireplace, snuggle, and rub our feet together as we softly kiss and stare into each others eyes...

No way to be.....

Stuck in traffic....listening to rusian music in a cab to work....it is sunny out...not much of a winter this year...no rain...
Nothing happened last night....probably better that way...i hope i get out of work early today....not that there is anything to look forward to but just because...shit i think i am missing having a girlfriend.....that is not good....i dont have time for one now...i dont really want one...just the conversations....having someone u trust to talk with....but whatever....almost there....later

If u want to dance...

Ok....so....today is a day...that shit might or might not happen...but i am ok with it either way....it is funny how down on myself i get when in a relationship...then when single i dont give a fuck...i guess it comes down to the fact that i only care about what certain people think about me...most people dont know me so their opinion of me doesnt matter, and some only know me in a certain light so their opinion is subjective...but if i love you....fuck am i hyper sensitive....maybe it is cuz i can count on one hand how many people know me well enough to matter....i am always super confident until i fall in love...then i freak out...35 years old and i still act like a dumb shit....i have to fix that...maybe next time will be better....
For now though, nothing matters...i think in a good relationship...once i get over myself....and truly trust the person...it will be good...the problem is things go way too fast and i dont trust that...i hope my next relationship goes slow...it should have some history...it should be hot n heavy at first...when u meet each other you know it is special...you want to spend every moment together...you want to fuck each others brains out...you think it is perfect and forever...and ur falling in love....u r in love...at least a very beginning type of in love...but you have to be mature enough to realize real love takes time to develop...u have to get through the part where the fire goes from a blaze to a warm glow and not just assume the fire is going out...all it needs is a little time...some care...and that fire can burn long and hot...without having huge flames coming from it....that is where real trust is found...when i can relax and truly believe in myself, you, us....that is what i believe in...someday I will find that person who has the passion and dedication for us.