more about myself...

So I feel antagonized and prodded…I was wasted when I wrote my last three blogs…and no I don’t remember writing them…but I recognize exactly why and how I felt when I wrote them…i mean its our song isn't it, i was asked to listen to them...so i did and wrote as i did...I have the night off tonight…my first Saturday off in months…i hope I don’t do anything stupid….
So when I am single I tend to delve deep into myself and try to concentrate on becoming a well rounded person and understand why I do things…last time I was single I got into enneagrams…found out I am a giving, adventurous, romantic…but these days I have been more into psyche stuff…I wonder where my life would have been if I had the support around me that I needed when I was growing up…because I really like psychology and philosophy and anthropology…so I read up on these things and maybe the fact that all but one of my exes is or should be on mood enhancers and or antidepressants may encourage my interest in it too…so I know a bit about depression…and now I am getting into attachment disorders… I think its because of my caring and encouraging nature coupled with my dependence on someone to feel good that I attract woman with trouble here…I tend to become that missing parent they needed to support them and give them the things they need to grow up…problem for me is that because I am IN love with them I expect a different kind of relationship…they all told me they loved me but in the end they loved me for what I do for them and not for who I am…I think that is why me and my exes still talk…the same reason you still talk to your folks that where there for you…even though you grew up there are times when you still need someone to support you…and they all know I am always there for them…and I don’t think its just my exes but a lot of my female friends that I have had over the years treat me similarly...i am always making female friends…i understand why...

and so this kinda gets back to my main goal in life…why I do everything I do...where my happy place is…why i attract these woman and why they think they love me...and why these relationships fall apart....everyone has there different needs of support, independence, help, nurturing, and so forth...i know that i have to be able to take care of my girl...that is the person i am...but there is a balance to know my girl can take care of me when i need her...i think i keep finding girls who are not able to be there for me...and the relationship is so unbalanced...i hate the game of it all, the idea that fucking me is all i need to be happy...by just saying your my girlfriend makes it so...all is forgiven and forgotten...a complete lack of respect and understanding of my feelings...everyone of my exes have treated me that way...so i guess its something i am not doing right...i think this all takes more thought and introspection...

so anyway I have the night off…I am going to watch the sharks game at a bar and then go out dancing…I am happy and I hope it’s a fun night…

blogging a lot these days

So I don’t remember writing my last two blogs…I am drunk and probably wont remember writing this one…So I know my exes read my blog….and so I censor the things I put up here cuz I don’t want them to think just cuz I miss love means I miss them….but they know more than anybody what we had is over….but the thing is that we have affected each other in deep ways…and I love that…you cant grow without suffering…and we all did in our own way…part to me and part to you part to someone else…but not all…i met this girl who is exactly like one of my exes and it trips me out…I look at her and I feel like I know now that I am in such a different place then I was when I was love lost for her…I am glad to make that new friendship it feels good….i am still in contact with some of my exes and I still love them all…I want so much for them to find themselves to live their lives and do well…but its always hard for me to let go…I feel like a farther that wont let his little girl grow up…its sad but true…and so I have this ex that is completely lost and I keep going back trying to give her anything I can do to help her accomplish what i know she wants to do but cant find the way and at the same time I am trying not to lead her on…and I have my friends telling me its not my responsibility to help her, and she doesn’t want my help…the point is that I put up in my blogs the loss of love I feel the passion of life I have and the want for me from what I had…and I do this cuz I know you all feel the same fucking way at one point in your life…you all have broken a heart here and there…it sucks but it has to be done sometimes…and there it is heartbreak and guilt…but I don’t hide it cuz it might make someone feel bad…I take ownership for my actions…here it is and I am no longer holding back…yes I hurt you yes you hurt me…truth is I fucked over my ex I used her I played her and the I did it again…and I feel bad about it…and I am always trying to make good on my fuck up…but I don’t blame her for not talking to me…I miss her…but if I see her again and look into her eyes all I would want to do is kiss her…even though its not from the heart…because my heart is not connected to her anymore…it is affected by her and grown because of her but it is no longer hers to have…being in love with someone who is not IN love with you sucks…its happened to me a few times…I’ve done it…it most likely happened to you…but the possibility for mutual love is real…its not guaranteed but it not impossible either…I own this blog…it is about Bridget…it is about Lynn…it is about Kelly…it is about April…it is about Tracy…its about Luci..its about Chey..it about George...its about Jessie...its about Mitch...ts about Josh...its about EV...its about Eric, Maria. Jason, Dave...its about all those fuckers who tell me there heartbreak stories and thier quest for finding love...i take from you all and write it...and its all about myself…same as all the rest…but you already know i dont play...RIGHT

this is my sing

its 7 am and all i want is not love...the fact is the last hing i want is love....all i want is to be....i am living a world turning the days around...as if and there it is..i have fun when i am doing the things that i like doing and so do you...so there i am a person doing the things i like to do and wondering why i am not doing them with someone who likes doing the things i like to do....that is the hard part...its like i dont like you but i like everything about you....and there you are...there i am....she sees me as a cool dude but there is no love...just cuz it ll makes sense doesnt mean it all is real...i dont care anymore...i am worth doing something for so do something

Sing along with me...

...so here i am...i imagine what it is like to be a homeless person standing outside a burger shack watching the people eat when i am so fuckin starving...i am tired of people telling me how great of a guy i am and how much i fucking deserve...i surround myself with good people we all deserve happiness...we all are searching for a rock to stand on...air to breath...but then there you are not taking the steps you know you should take....i know where i want to be in life and its so fucking hard to get there because i wont do what it takes to be there....i want so much and yet i cant get myself to do it....and i ask god why....why do i suffer...and it all points to me...i want someone to just know what i need...to have it and want to give it to me...i feel like a misused tool...a screwdriver being used as a hammer...sure i can do the job but thats not what i am meant for...i am happy for my friends....they keep me going...but this is my city...this is my home....i am not traveling through trying to find myself....so kill me now...i have nowhere else to go....and yet with every message sent to lust i know i am nothing....my ow my i cant stop....but the ribbons have lost their sent...and all i have to hold onto is rejection....and the realization that the last person texted was...well it aint me....but not everything is as it seems....like the song says..your so vain you think this song is about you....well maybe the blog is about you...maybe its not...but when i look i see what could have been despite what was...its whatever you like...and now how you felt yesterday is not how you feel today...things change...love fades....and i am tired of being used for sex...i am tired of one night stands and misplaced affections....so whatever dont stop....i am not trying to cage you up...i am not a keeper...and when i call and dont get an answer trust holds me true....cuz sometimes i need to walk my own way...and so i act like a jackass...no one gets the reason why i do the things i do....and my eyes stare into space...wondering...remembering that moment...its more than then fire in my blood...its like lightning through my soul...its chaos...but to hear those words form you...to think you are ready to say those words and i am ready to hear them....its sweet...a thing of dreams...but this is not real....its old and faded...and taken over by mindless bohunks and fat phobes....your songs say so much to me....but i cant keep listening to them....its like forgiveness is easy forgetting is foolish...cuz feeling sorry for what you did does not change anything...i do believe in rehabilitation but also in punishment...i want to atone for my mistakes to offer up a reason why me fuckups should be forgotten to pay the price...i just wish i knew how and to who....i am sick and tired of being sick and tired...my life is always missing that one word...IN...the game is over and i am no longer playing...

CONGRATS TO REAL LOVE

I am very comfortable in my own skin....i know what i am doing and i know what i need to do to get where i want to be...but i keep running into brick walls...the wave beneath me keeps crashing out from under me....something inside me drives me to want to help people...to promote growth and love and happiness...i keep finding people who need something in their lives and i keep trying to fulfill those needs...there is no back motive in it for me but when i do these things i feel like there is this pay-it-forward effect going on...its nice to help people but eventually they wont want my help anymore...and i feel emptied...sometimes a feel frustrated cuz i couldnt help enough...but in the end i overstay my welcome...and the frustration, the rejection, the lose, all leave me trying to hold on to a lost cause...but eventually i find myself comfortable and content in all things me...i am never really looking for anything... i have no real plans...where exactly I end up in life is undetermined…because I feel so much of that depends on you…everyone changes and as every life experience changes you and me…then your decisions change…anything is possible if you let it happen…So I am on my way to wish a friend happy birthday and bon voyage…and I couldn’t be more happy for her…for living her life and making things happen…and to the true love her and her man have found and will celebrate tonight....

Stupid insomnia

I have found that I like dark stories…my favorite kind of movies are dark….i hate Hollywood endings…I understand why they exist but I hate it….like the end of closer where Alice doesn’t die…it ruins the whole movie or the end of stranger then fiction…i just don’t like it…life doesn’t work out all the time….everyone wants to think people get what they deserve….there is no fact to that…sure there is nothing attractive about the way I feel these days…but I don’t care…its nearly five in the morning…what do I care about anything at this time…my mind feels like a slice of warm pie without the ice cream…I went out the other night with the exact intent to find a quite place to smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink enough beer to be able to pass out later…that’s all I wanted to do…unfortunately some old dude was intent on sucking my dick and would not leave me alone…so I let him buy me some drinks as he told me of how he just got dropped from an 8 year relationship and hasn’t had the desire for sex in years…and as he told me all I could think was how little I cared but at least I didn’t have to think about the homophobic short out of shape womanizer my replacement is...but I have to laugh cuz she is already flirting with someone else behind his back…its always greener on the other side I guess…but none of that has anything to do with me anymore...and just then he asks me if I thought the bartender was wearing a toupee…I sad no way it just looks weird...who wears those…apparently the bartender does and the old dude went on about how unattractive the fat hairy beast is…I felt better….sure we were two heart broken sad single dumped schmucks but at least we weren’t prancing around in a hair piece or looked like a fatter hairy Britney Spears on a binge with absolutely nothing remotely attractive about us, as he put it….so I let him buy me one last shot before going my own way…to end up at another bar feeling good enough to shoot a smile to the mission chic in her tight jeans dark hair and faded brand new guns and roses shirt…of coarse all I got back was a cold wince…I forget I don’t have the right uniform for the role of love interest in her life…tattoos, deconstructed professionally styled hair, spacers in my ears, and dingy looking dark clothes…I hate uniforms…so with my soul back in check its last call…my pack nearly empty and my body saturated with enough booze to pass out I go home…so I didn’t get exactly what I wanted out of the night but things ended up fine just the same…hmmm is that a happy ending…whatever

Still dont get it...

I avoided looking into her eyes…afraid to see something…I didn’t want a relationship…I didn’t want to get hurt again…I was having such a good time and she was leaving in the morning…I didn’t want to be love sick over a girl I would probably never see again…but there we were…and all is took was an instant….I saw something I had never seen in someone’s eyes before…something I fear I will never see again…

There is a different feeling you get when Love is real….Its more than butterflies and warm feeling when you see them…It’s more then personality chemistry…its more then common interests and views on life and mental compatibility….its more than physical attraction and sexual satisfaction…All those things put together mean nothing…A best friend at best….because Love comes from your soul, from the spirit inside you….Love is deeper than a feeling and emotions…It’s not just endorphins and hormones…it’s nothing you can imagine or know until you feel the real thing…until you look into someone’s eyes and deep inside your souls jump out of your bodies, they kiss, and dance and hug and entangle your spirits together intertwined in a connection deep and undeniable that nothing, Absolutely NOTHING else matters….

I had that…I lost it…I don’t want to say anything cruel…she didnt see in my eyes what i saw...and now the last thing I want is her back in my life…But when I see her my soul weeps uncontrollably….when I think about her my heart screams in pain…It is all I can do to keep her out of my head…she creeps into my thoughts and my guts cringe…She wont leave me alone…so I fill myself with any kind of distraction…I try to meet other people…ive met some smart beautiful girlz….some funny and kind women…hot women with their shit together and their eyes on me…and as she stares into my eyes losing herself in my soul I look deep into her eyes past the beauty past the kind heart, deep into her soul…and I realize I just made another friend…so what do you do…I am over the girl just not the feelings...but when i think about the first time my heart was broken when i was 19 that still hurts today...i dont think you ever lose that...

i bring this all up because i am constantly finding myself defending myself...trying to get people to understand why i act the way i do and do the things i do...the way i felt was different with my ex and with my first love...if you cant understand that you cant understand why moving forward doesnt involve losing the pain...this hurt i will carry with me forever...you never forget the first time your heart is broken and you never forget the ones that touch your soul...but everything i write or do isn't about them...the feelings i had may have been towards them but they are MY feelings...and now I am dealing with them...its just that to understand where one is going you have to know where one has been...like i say in my previous post...there is no such thing as destiny or fate, because you make choices all the time changing what could happen...its up to you to go after what you want and hope its what the universe wants too...right now i think god has a different idea for me...the universe wants me for other things...so just like i say in my next post....well you read it...

This is my secret...

So here it is…there are several threads I am drowning in…there is this whole thing about, “it will be ok” bullshit…I lost all my faith in that…I don’t care about destiny, “meant to be”, fate, karma….there are no guaranties in life…just because you are a good person doesn’t mean good shit will happen to you…fact is nothing is connected….i have no faith in the butterfly affect…a tree goes down in who cares where has no affect on my life….the things that are happening to me now have no baring on the things that will happen to me tomorrow…sure if that one thing didn’t happen I wouldn’t have known another….but none of that has any affect on what happens tomorrow…fact is the amount of pain one endures does not equal the amount of joy received…there is heat break and love everywhere…I just don’t believe everything happened to you for a reason…but that doesn’t change that those things happened…they are a part of you and what make you who you are….but tomorrow you can do anything you want despite those things if you make it happen…is it all about the whole adage…live life while you can to the fullest because this is the only one you got so live for today and plan for tomorrow, type bullshit…its stupid because fact is you cant count on anything…but you can do what you like to do you can try to be happy and get the things you want...if you want something but don’t ask for it you wont get it, if you don’t do something to get it, it wont just come to you…as long as what you want doesn’t involve what others want…unfortunately everything involves the wants and desires of another person and you cant control what other people want, its unpredictable and unreliable…so you cant get something by just wanting it…and sometimes you might do everything right to get it and still it wont happen for you, life is not fair and sometimes makes no fucking sense…so instead of being so upset over disappointing people and situations…I am going to concentrate on myself…the one thing I can control…to put myself in the right shape to be ready for the unpredictable…

SF....home to love-sucking vampires....

So I am dating again…dating in this city sucks…its so fucking easy to meet people here, but its so fucking hard to find something real…I am fucking picky I admit that…I will see and talk to so many people in one night and maybe one night here and there I will make out with someone but I always feel like the girl at the end of the night… thinking to myself will this hottie call me back n the morning or was I just another notch in her bed post...there is a reason why this city has the highest percentage of single women in the country...the girls here are what they are, I don’t know why, too many hot gay guys or too many unattached people lost from home, whatever…I am not about it…and I just like to say I hate how I lost control of my body last night…I bet lots of people did things they didn’t expect they would do last night...and today as I walked through the kitchen at work thinking about how extreme the emotions I felt when I saw my ex walk in last night...just in time to see a cell phone being passed around the kitchen with a picture of a half naked girl on it...i know i am better then that...I felt like the lives of so many people could have changed last night by one thing just being different…I don’t know where I belong…I feel like a salmon going down stream when the rest are going up…I am a nice guy…I am an asshole too…I am boring…I am fun…I am skinny…I am fucking strong…I am who I am….i am wandering around this town like a blind slug searching for a shell to call home…I am clutching my phone wondering where I went wrong, when does it all feel right…I had it in my hand last night…it felt good at the time…now it feels like heartless lovesucking vampires eating my life away…