i will, if she would have me,,,

So I push and I kick and I prod and I push again....
And then I cry and I hurt and I need and I push again...
I find the right button to get the right reaction...
to destroy anything that makes me happy...

But this time she stood by me...
She has done what no other person could do...
she was like a pin cushion to all me needles...
my needles of self hate and misery...

for every reason i give her to dump me...
She gives me another reason to fall in love with her...

Ok sooo...i am depressed....

is depression a weakness...
is it pussy of me for needing to be heard...
is it lame of my for wanting to be needed...
i thought I was a nice guy but maybe I am a loser...
easily used and walked all over and forgotten...
you know how they say u cant be loved if u dont like ureself..
i kinda hate myself, especially lately...so i guess i am unlovabel...
i wish i smoked...i used to smoke as a way to slowly kill myself...
maybe i took some years off but i didnt finish the job...
i quit smoking cuz i thought someday things would get better...
i wanted to be around when they did...
i didnt want life to come and take everything i love away from me...
i dont want to die...
it would suck to try so many times and never get it right...
its also would be sickly satisfying to be 115yrs old,
alone, miserable, and a complete wast of a life,
laying in my death bed with no hope left,
to say at least i did one thing,
i have completely failed...
anyway, i feel like shit...
i should be happy...
bu i am broken...

If I keep walking forward will I hit the wall that is in front of me

If I come to a corner will that frying pan turning it hit me in the face

If I took advantage of my situation will It knock me over

My heart is chained and bared and it’s not getting out

I am misery….i am unlovable…I am failure