Little steps to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...

Ok so...I forgot why I was here....so the other night I got locked out of my building...not my fault this time....the building door code was changed and nobody bothered to tell me....so I got home at about one from an exploration trek of some punk bars....when I realized I am fucked....i did not have my French cell on me so I couldn't call my land lady... my best option was to find a late night bar I could hang out at until the morning and then wait till someone can let me I the building....
I ended up at some bar not very crowded but lively....it was actually my first late night out here....it reminded me a lot of Mexico bars during spring break...the girls were so young everyone there amateurs....learning their way through bars, love, life, and flirting...i was very amused but felt very much like I was playing adult games with infants...too easy and not very fun....sorry but girls under 25 are boring....
But for a moment I had that feeling like I could go out ever night and meet easy strang women and make out in dark corners...I could spend my time here like that...having fun partying....
the bar closed and I said goodbye to my new friends of the night...then waited for about an hour in the park in front of my building watching the sun rise, the weather was perfect, the park very serene, I was locked out of my building, but happy I was not in freezing, cold, dirty SF,  finally someone left the building and I was able to get back in...
The next day I was a bit tired from the long night and decided to stay in bed and watch some TV..that is when it all started to come together....

These lips, this gaze, my kindness....they are not for rent...

I just had the worst nightmare....it just reminded me of how 90% of my relationships went and more so how most of my life felt...used and taken advantage of my niceness, lied to and mislead....I had nightmares last night too.....
maybe it is the isolation....beings me back to my childhood....no one to talk to....
there was ab time when I believed the three most important  things i'm my life I could not live without were love, socializing, creating, and accomplishing goals....and right now  all I am doing is taking down little goals, like today I will see three museums and do four hours of French lessons, tiny goals...
My heart is dead so I don't need love....and my soul has been uninspired for a long time so creating isn't happening, I don't knew what part of me needs the socializing, but it is starving...it was so well fed in SF...now nothing....
I feel awful from my nightmare, reminded of how awful the women of my past have been....and how much I am afraid to love again....
I must get going....concentrate on tasks and not think about anything else.

At the parc....

I am not sad to be alone...surrounded by all these people enjoying there time with their friends....for me being alone is normal....even when I had a girlfriend I spent much time alone doing things....it used to make me sad...
I used to believe my purpose in life was to be a father, a husband, to love...i used to want that very much....but it is a fools game to want love....it is the one thing you can't make happen....you can't go out and say I am going to make love happen today....it doesn't work that way...you can put yourself out there, date everyone, be the perfect boyfriend...but still not find love....
For me love is off the table...I no longer long for it...I no longer believe I am here for love...i no longer look for it...I did close myself off from it....because I realized I was addicted and controlled by it...but no longer...I am "dry" and "sober"....I do think I am ready for it now...but I no longer will allow myself to settle...I will only date those I am initially attracted to...only those who have their shit together...women who are ready for long term relationships and love....
I don't know how to attract those girls, or where they are, in fact I am not sure I know how to do that kind of love....but I am open and ready to try....
if it comes my way I will let it happen....but....that being said....my  thoughts are about what I am going to do next...and how I am going to do it...

Why wouldn't I take the road less traveled....

Ok...so I am at a crossroads in my life...I guess that is why I am here....people always tell me I would love Europe...and since I am so frustrated with San Francisco....I had to come see....judgment is still out on this city....the people seem so much more my type....but there is still more to learn.....
I have a choice of two very difficult things too do with my life...do I open my restaurant in SF....or do I do something here...the more difficult one would be to do something here....one, would my restaurant idea even work here....maybe I should open a BnB  instead...or somekind of combination of the two....or something completely different...a tour guide business or a wine shop....
I am so late in my life....to think in five years I will be over forty...but most of my friends in SF are forty now....so I do have time....
I could have the option of trying to live here for three or four years...or one or two...our at least until I know plan "make something happen in Paris" is impossible...
There is this big thing about money though...there of only so much of it...and if I use it all up here I might lose my chance to open something up in SF....
The question is...should I be trying to learn French or work on my business plan for when I get back....because the truth is I have to do Paris now....I can't see trying to start from scratch here when I am forty...unless I find a euro partner...but that is a big if I can't count on...
So I guess I answered my question....I should try to learn French....I should try to get a visa....which seems harder then starting a business in  SF...
In any case...i have to do something hard...so far in my life I've only done easy things.

boogers....

Hello....nobody....I have always lived by the rule that where you are is only as good as the people you are with....it is the human connections we make that determine the enjoyment one gets out of life....but when you are alone...what does that mean...here i am all alone...it is hard to compare to when i first moved to SF and I was all alone...back then i was sooo depressed and loved obsessed that i couldn't be happy...but now things are much different...i am not wandering the streets at night hoping to find love...sad that i am all alone...no now I am wandering the streets, alone....that is it. But the truth is i will never know this city until i meet it's people...and to do that takes time...and an in....like SF i first had to meet one person,which was hard in it self because SF people dont make friends when they are out...it had to be done through a job, then through them i met everyone else, like a pyramid....this language thing is making things very difficult....i cant get a job....so i cant meet someone...

since that being the case i think i am resolving to try an come up with a plan B....Plan A of finding a way to move here does not seem possible...but what is plan B....

Je suis une flèche en plein vol....

So...i was walking around checking out my hood...and I thought...this is no more romantic then anywhere else....where is the beauty....frankly looks like a city...so I keep walking in no direction and then I look up through the clearing and there is Tuileries Garden...and the city opens up.....and I cried....it was amazing....so beautiful.....
That was yesterday.....today I decided to walk in a different direction....through many hoods...a few sights...and I can say yes this city is big enough for me...but I am so frustrated....I hate that I can't speak French....this is so annoying....i wish I new some French...so lucky are those who learned at an early age...wish I knew at least enough to say hello...I suck...also....I feel like this is such a waste....I don't know what I am looking at...and I have no one to share this with.....what is the point of being here if I have no one to take pictures with...no one to make funny possess next to statutes with....
I am going to go home in three months and nothing is going to change....still misplaced in SF....with no idea...I need an umbrella....

My heart my not be here...but I am leaving plenty of love....

I am sooo excited about being in Paris in two  days....all the things I get to see....the more I think about it I wonder why u didn't do this sooner.....like most things in my life.....I tend to lag forever...I have planned out my train ride from the airport....going to take a walk to the apartment through the city....
It has been amazing this last few days here in SF....everyday had been an amazing adventure....I left my house early everyday and did not return until the wee late hours...just to wake up the next day and go on another spontaneous adventure....my friends have been very dear....they all have been very positive and carrying of me....I am so fortunate to have such good people in my life....this city and it's people have shown me why I have loved it so much...
But still....paris....

If you couldn't tell I was drunk last night...not sure who that was directed to...stupid love creeping in when I am tipsy....in other news....I think I secured a place in Paris for the first month finally....now back to trying to put the pieces together from yesterday...what an epic day....

You look at a girl and you think if I pulled your name I would kill your world better then anyone you know....I can do things three brain won't effort inkstand.....I will be there...I wile lonG you...I am the best you can do...but you Won't even look my way....

San Francisco 1 everywhere else 0

more of me....or something like that...

I was having fun...then i sobered up...i saw you for who you are...you found me out...and now I am here again in this place trying to not be...i used to be depressed, i was obsessed with love, i had no control over my life...but then i died...who i was anyway...and now...now what?

I've never had someone say...you make a good couple...or she is perfect for you....

This is wrong....I don't belong

It doesn't matter anymore....what one was supposed to do...where one should be....love.....there is none.....there will never be.....truth....how we fit...where life is....what I was made for....
I  will be in Paris next week.... this joke will soon be over....i have no reason...I was never loved...and now I am addicted to it...and in such I will never be able to have it....never.

Wasting time....

So....I am doing this celibate thing....zombiefied....my heart is dead it no longer beats...yet I still walk n talk and drink....drink....and  boooze.....
So anyway....I found out I am addicted to love....I have a crazy reaction to it where I will do anything and put up with anything and sacrifice everything for it.....and I used to think that was love...that was what I wanted from someone else that kind of dedication...i wanted someone to be addicted to me like I was to her....
Now I realize that its not healthy or right..
So I have been weening myself off the addiction...I have squished down my emotions and have basically rehabed off the drug...
so now that I am sober....I am able to push loves away....and here I am with an attraction...I am attracted to someone....
I am lost..I don't know how to have a healthy relationship....
I don't know how to do this...
Actually.....

Music makes me so happy....u.....yah...I may have been addicted to your love....but still u made me happy too..