I need a fix...

Try to understand your heart…your soul…your life…I am a addict…I am a junky…my drugs of choice…LOVE, MUSIC, PEOPLE…

Ode to Ms.Bridget....

She was picking at a tree…like a kitty playing coy…blood rushed my soul as I hid my desire to caress her…we shook hands and I couldn’t help but melt in her eyes…I quickly had to run away…said my goodbyes and hoped to see her again….

There I was dancing on my stoop in a wig, wearing a red dress and pearls….when I looked down and saw the face of an angel looking up at me…I thought to myself who is that beautiful girl looking up at me…that smile was so sweet and my heart jumped a beet…then I saw Chey and realized…there is that coy kitty…damn does she look amazing…I quickly tried to find a way to let them in and I wanted to jump off my stoop and spend the evening with her…she took all my attention the rest of that dance on the stoop….

The street party was ending so I left my stoop…at this point I was getting a bit drunk and enjoying myself in the party…I quickly found Chey to ask about his friend...trying not to seem too eager…then like a hot knife in my soul…he tells me she has a boyfriend… my kind heart doesn’t allow me to want to cause someone trouble in their relationship…but as I looked at her staring out the window…I couldn’t resist…There are few times in ones life when something so real just cant be ignored…you forget everything and go on instinct…so I flirted with her…and the coy cat that she is played along…our time was fleeting and the party began to wind down…I tried my best to keep her around without seeming too desperate…but at last when I went back to find her she had gone…

She left me with my feelings flying high and my heart racing…and the idea that I may never see her again…which had become a pattern in my life these days…So I tried to forget her…she had a boyfriend anyway, right…

Sunday morning my roommates wake me up and we go out to Pride downtown…I fought the urge to call Chey, pretending to invite them all to pride downtown when all I wanted was to see her again…I kept thinking about how right it felt to be standing next to her the night before…I also got embarrassed a bit remembering how drunk I was…gushing over her all night…I had to move on…she has a boyfriend….

So Monday night….it was like Before Sunrise…we went out for drinks…I will never thank Chey enough for third-wheeling it that night….our flirting game continued…her coyness kept me wanting and I fought hard not to look too deep into her eyes for fear of falling, melting, wanting, and letting my heart go and doing something you don’t do to a girl who has a boyfriend…can you feel my struggle here….then we took some pics with a piñata and when she kissed it a rush of jealousy and desire took me over…I soo wanted to be the one she was kissing…my soul struggled…

I will never forget the moment our eyes met…and I knew I couldn’t stop what I was feeling…and its all Cheys fault…we sat in a picture booth for some photos…Chey in the middle of us…the first three pics were very innocent, on the last…she looked into my eyes and teased me, my soul dove deep into her beautiful eyes…every nerve ending in my body tingled…a smile so true and deserved came over me…and I’m still smiling from that look…it was over…I had to have her….

We returned to Cheys house after last call…I don’t remember how or when…my soul was drunk with, as she puts it, 100 proof feelings…and we kissed…I so wanted her to be a good kisser…cuz you know how important that is…and now I dream of her sweet soft lips…the night kept going and I just wanted to stop time and be with her as long as I could…she had a plane to catch in the morning and our time together was very short…

I am very grateful for that night…I am very enamored with her…as you can tell…that morning was so hard to say goodbye…I could tell she was struggling with it all too…she is in a 7 year relationship with talks of marriage…no small thing…I couldn’t help but wonder if I was just a vacation boy toy…

Well she’s thousands of miles away now…and as she tells me about her boy my soul struggles from telling her to destroy that bond she has and be with me or helping her mend a bad relationship for loves sake…I am a disciple of love growing it wherever it can be found…and I don’t want to be her mistake…

There are times in your life…they are very rare…when you know….I just cant let her go…I have to take the chance….

Pink Saturday and Gay Pride in San Francisco...

So...I want to thank those of you that stoped by Saturday for the party...It was Fucking great...those of you that couldn't make it missed out on some shit...well since I didn't have a place to put my camera in the outfit I was wearing...I couldn't get any pictures...So the party went well...I think I missed the peek of the party inside...but dancing on the stoop for me was amazingly fun...I need that rush of being on stage....

Sunday morning was a rough one...my roommates got me out of bed to go see Monistat perform at Pride in the civic center...Jason was one of her dancers...I thought about doing it too, but I was in no shape to do anymore dancing after saturday night...

Here's a slide of the show...

I got some video too but my Jason refuses to let me put it up...he says he's a performer but when it gets down to it he gets shy...oh well...

Pride was amazing and the weekend overall was a blast from friday night....ending at Don and Davids ->
to Sunday evening and enjoying a great wind-down dinner with Kriss and Brent...who are house sitting a place in the Castro hills...the view is Fucking amazing....
Ciao Bellas!!

Where are you going?

So here I am sitting on the couch fighting another panic attack…my gut is wrenching…my heart is pounding…my soul is dying…I don’t get it…there was a time when I had too much shit goin on and I needed to find that “moment” to compose myself and escape the madness…now the lack of living is causing me to feel insane…I need to find something consistent in my life…I keep having fleeting moments of passion, which was something I needed and wanted in my life…and now here I am dying for something long-term…why does life shit on you like this…

Trans Mach...san francisco pride foreplay...

On Friday the trans march walked up my street...I was busy cleaning the apartment getting it ready for the party when they rolled on by...so I got some pics...and a video I'll YouTube later...

Height street fair...Days ago...

A few weeks pass the height street fair occurred...since I have the time I went and checked it out...as street fairs go, this one has a good reputation for being fun...until the neighborhood gentrification finally took the last drop of fun out of it...meaning it was now alcohol free...so the bars along the street where slammed...and the crowd was a little less rambunctious...just means more stoned peeps and less drunkenness...anyway...the weather was warm, and i walked up and down a bit before hanging out at the first stage...the djs were ok but overall it was just a nice day out...

This is some street dancers earning some extra cash...

Hey Tinkle, I found my passion...

I had a fucking crazy panic attack earlier tonight…I’ve had them before…but I knew why I was having one…I knew why I was over stressed or had high anxiety…but in the last two weeks I’ve had them nearly nightly…most of them not full-blown…but tonight’s was the worst…complete full-blown all out going crazy cant control myself panic attack…and I wasn’t thinking about anything…it just came all of the sudden… I guess I’m stressing about shit more then I think…But mostly I think its cuz I have no release for my emotions…Bartending is very healthy for me…I get my social stimulus going…the constant flirting and ups and downs of every cocktail and the gratification of a job well done when your patrons leave happy and your pockets full…and I also haven’t played music in months…Music is the main way I get out all my stress…I need to go into a room play my guitar as hard and fast as I can and scream out my soul…without music I think I will die…and these panic attacks are signs that I cant survive without these things…I think they might be more important to me than love…

This is a groundbreaking new realization for me…I’ve always said that I can’t be happy until I’m cuddled around my wife and my two daughters…that being a father and husband is the definition of happiness for me…but now I know I need more then my girls to be happy…I have to have music and bartending or a job that is interactive like bartending…This is huge for me because in past relationships I would have a panic attack and thought that it was because my girlfriend couldn’t fill the void in my heart…I thought I was having a panic attack cuz i was love sick…but i havn't had love in a fucking long time…that usually causes panic attacks but it wasn't untill I stoped working and playing music that I started to feel realy shity...I am realizing that I need more than love to survive…

Love is no longer my only passion…Music and Entertaining folks are my passions…and as such my stress relief…and in all reality this doesn’t mean shit other than now I can be more honest with myself about what I need when shit gets bad…cuz even without love if I got Music and am Making Poeple happy...than I'm happy...

cuz Stress will always be a part of life…I will always have money problems, love sickness, insomnia, work stress, crowded grocery stores, social droughts, rejections, disappointing sports teams, bad haircuts, and shit just not going right…but now I know what makes me happy...dancing on bars and rocking out ;)

and LOVE {>

so what bitch

This weekend is Pride and it kinda marks and anniversary of sorts...It's been one year now living with my roommates...even though Eric moved in mid July...it still feels like this party will be a culmination of the happenings of the past year in all our lives...

When I moved in i was a relationship prone, career finding, sexually undefined, wide eyed young'n in my twenties reacquainting myself with the city...having moved back a couple months earlier from Sac and at that point still going back nearly weekly...Moving in here I began creating a new life and social group... getting to know a new part of the city...intellectually in transition...in my year here I turned thirty...i quit office work again to go back to my passion bartending...I've been able to stay single and have a few hot flings here and there...and now I know without hesitation that I like girls and only girls....I've learned a lot about myself..and now I have a new view of life and people and friends....and it will all show at this years party where instead of getting drunk and dancing in a dress on the balcony out of boredom...I will be getting drunk socializing and dancing on the balcony in who knows what out of fun...

The changes in my roommates will also be apparent in the guest list at the party too...which is growing past 40 so far....this party will be fierce...

It's all you hear anyway...blahditty...blah...

I wonder if my life would have a musical montage what song would it be to and what would I be doing…these days I would imagine its Dido’s - life for rent or maybe The Plugz – Mindless contentment…and the montage would be scenes of me sitting on the couch in different positions occasionally flipping the channel on the tv as I stair out the window or browse pointless websites….It has been very definitively proven to me that my life is very empty without work…and this makes me crazy…it’s like I am my rents even though I may not take my job home with me I am still very attached to it…

After the fire I still went to work and helped out here and there…but now I don’t go…so I kinda weaned myself into what I am doing now witch is absofuckinglutely nothing….it was nice at first, having nothing to do…kinda like a summer break…but I am going fucking crazy now…I am even having thoughts of going back to sac to visit…Shudder…

The thing about this time off is that it’s not planned…so I don’t have funds saved up to travel anywhere or do shit…for fuck sake…I owe bitches like crazy so going out is just guilt ridden and sucks…so I stay in chill’n watching tv…But this has got to end…So today, against my better judgment, I am going to hang out with an ex who is off her meds crazy…and I know I’ll just get drunk and say something stupid to her and its going to be a nightmare…but I cant stay home…so fuck it…
I wonder what the montage for next week will be…maybe to Prince’s lets go crazy or Black Flags Annihilate this week…or maybe some other sad tired played out song I don’t care to listen to anymore….anyway…what’s the point of this blogg again?

Mecca on fire...

It was about 9:30 on Sunday and the night was winding down at Mecca...about four tables finishing up their dinners and a couple Sunday regular late nighters in for their nightcap drinks...when I noticed a foggy haze start to develop in the restaurant...it was like the fog was rolling in except it was coming from the kitchen...so I walk over to see what the deal is and notice everyone is looking at our brick wood oven over flowing with smoke...nothing to unordinary...the smoke should subside as the wood burns down a bit...but then it didn't and suddenly the safety sprinklers in the kitchen activate and the kitchen staff evacuate the kitchen...in case you've never been to Mecca we have an open kitchen visible from the dinning room...where we could see the fryer react to the sprinkler watter and watch the hot oil begin to boil over onto the floor...at that point we new this was not good...

The cooks went back to grab their knives and I went back to the bar to make sure my guys were ok...hoping the wood fire would burn down and the smoke would subside...but the smoke quickly thickened and it was apparent it was time to leave....so Ginny, our new A.GM began to go around to the tables and ask that we all exit politely...and I look up and see flames coming out of a vent above a table and look over at a bunch of drunks sitting at their table arguing with Ginny as she is politely trying to get them to leave...finally we all exit and before I'm out the door, last as usual, the fire department is already there hoses in hand...

Everyone was fine and the fire itself was not major at all...but the water damage was extensive to the carpets and upholstery...so Mecca is taking this opportunity to use the insurance money and remodel a little...so they will be closed for a month or so they say...as for my job and everyone else...we are getting paid our average hourly wage while they are closed...which for me and the rest of the FOH staff covers our cable bills...hopefully they will give us something extra to stay with the company...I am taking this opportunity to find another job and make some extra cash 'till Mecca reopens...

So for now I have some free time...lets see what I do with it...

Ciao...

Where have I been...

In the middle of March I lost my phone...and with that I lost connection to a lot of peeps...I drifted away from life and ambitions to be social...I went to work than went out afterwords stayed in town and had no worries about the outside world....Things just went along in my little isolated neighborhood...without any outside bullshit...I FUCKING LOVED IT...So I spent the last couple months just drifting about being a San Franciscan...and I dont remember any of it but it all kicked ass...so suckit biatches...