A deep introspective look at myself.

I had some free time on my hands and I was in a state where I had to start over with myself – A friend of mine introduced me to this thing called Enneagram a couple days before and I dove right into it – It has helped me redefine myself and realize why I do things and why others do what they do – I have learned about virtues and what motivates them and character flaws as well – with this new found introspective look at life I think I have a new direction to help myself grow into a well rounded person and aspire to know how to use the virtues of all nine types when appropriate –

To get a better understanding of what I’m talking about here is an explanation from www.9types.com

What is the Enneagram? 1. Is it scientific? The Enneagram is one of the newest personality systems in use, and emphasizes psychological motivations.
Scientific testing of the Enneagram has a long way to go. The RHETI is a widely used test and has been subject to scientific tests that showed internal consistency, but not accuracy. Other tests may be more accurate (see comparison here). The Enneagram's underlying structure is based on testable ideas about motivations and emotions (see A Directional Theory of the Enneagram).

So here are the nine different personality types:

- THE REFOERMER, IDEALISTIC: Type One is principled, purposeful, self-controlled, and perfectionist.
- THE HELPER, GIVER: Type Two is demonstrative, generous, people-pleasing, and possessive.
- THE ACHIEVER, MOTIVATOR, PERFORMER: Type Three is adaptive, excelling, driven, and image-conscious.
- THE INDIVIDUALISTIC, ROMANTIC, ARTIST: Type Four is expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental.
- THE THINKER, OBSERVER, INVESTIGATOR: Type Five is perceptive, innovative, secretive, and isolated.
- THE LOYALIST, QUESTIONER, DEPENDENT: Type Six is engaging, responsible, anxious, and suspicious.
- THE ENTHUSIAST, ADVENTURER, ACCOMPLISHED: Type Seven is spontaneous, versatile, distractible, and scattered.
- THE CHALLENGER, ASSERTER, LEADER: Type Eight is self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational.
- THE PEACEMAKER, REASSUREER, EASYGOING: Type Nine is receptive, reassuring, agreeable, and complacent.

For a better look check out http://www.enneagraminstitute.com

So anyway – I don’t agree with all the psychobabble of the websites – but I am going to delve deeper into it and find out more about myself to see what type I am –

One thing I learned doing this is that I am a different person depending on the situation – I think we all are – It’s common to here your partner say something like “why do you act different around your friends then you do with me” or you’d say “I feel like I have to act so much different at work it is so relaxing to come home and be something else” -

Now they say Twos are prone to changing their behavior to fit the needs of the situation so this might only be pertinent to me if I am a Two – I don’t know – I’d like to know if you feel different or the same about this point.

First I want to find out who I am generally speaking.

Step one: Take the tests – These tests only work if you answer honestly – not as what you’d like to be or want to be or think you are – Also I believe I am different depending on the situation or who I am with (like a lover) so to find out who I am in general I have to think about my basic instinct answer. Try to not think about current situations with people close to me where feelings might influence my answers – I got to try and answer honestly from what truly motivates me and what I do and how I feel.

(I took these tests once at a time when I was very angry at a Type Three person and all my Three scores came out very low – I took the test later when I had forgotten about her and realized I was biased and my three scores nearly doubled)

My Results:
The http://www.enneagraminstitute.com RHETI test tells me I am a Type 2 with a score of 8 fallowed by a score of 5 in types 4, 7, and 9. I don’t like this test though because it forces you to choose between t wo types in which you might not care either way. I don’t think it’s a good test even though it came out somewhat correct it still doesn’t show the whole picture.

The New test http://www.9types.com/newtest/homepage.actual.html gave me more options and might help me narrow down exactly which number I am.

T.1 (-5) T.2 (4) T.3 (-5) T.4 (6) T.5 (-4) T.6 (3) T.7 (5) T.8 (-7) T.9 (3)

So I’m a Four with a strong Seven and Two. According to both tests so far I definitely am not a One, Three, Five, or Eight, but I do have some undertones of Six and Nine.

It’s funny how low the Two scored on this test after scoring so high on the first test. I guess maybe I am not a Giver.

I think I need a couple more tests to find out for sure. Luckily http://similarminds.com/personality_tests.html has a shit load of tests I can take. And for an introspective Four that I am it’s a website from heaven.

Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||| 36%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||||| 72%
Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||| 43%
Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 63%
Type 5 Detachment |||||||||| 40%
Type 6 Anxiety |||||| 21%
Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 69%
Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||| 28%
Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||| 59%


type score type behavior motivation
2 - 51 - I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
7 - 48 - I must be high and entertained to be happy.
4 - 44 - I must avoid painful feelings to be happy.
9 - 41 - I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.
3 - 30 - I must be impressive and attractive to be happy.
5 - 28 - I must be knowledgeable and independent to be happy.
1 - 25 - I must be perfect and good to be happy.
8 - 20 - I must be strong and in control to be happy.
6 - 15 - I must be secure and safe to be happy.

So there it is I am either a Two a Seven or a Four, definitely not a One Six or Eight.

Step Two: Find out what makes a Two, Seven, and a Four, and see which one is really me. That’s my next blogg…C-ya

Some music to listen to as ya read

Videos!!!
- I'm sure I'll change them in like a week

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

My plan worked to perfection. I had, in my view, an acceptable birthday today. Last night as I turned 30 I had a shot with my roommate who was gracious enough to come down and have one with me despite not really wanting to go out. That was very kind of him. I expected to be drinking alone and his company was a nice gift. That was a good start for me. Then I spent the rest of the night just chill’n and enjoying the ambiance of Bar (That’s the name of the neighborhood bar I go to). I can enjoy my drink and relax and meet people stress free there – I’ll right another blog later on why I love going to Bar. Anyway I left the bar feeling good about myself cuz I had no regrets about any conversation I had or didn’t have and I also got hit on and that always makes you feel good. I went home didn’t feel the need to drunk dial anyone just grabbed my pillow and passed out on the futon on our back porch cuz it’s nice to sleep outside on these hot nights. In the morning I awoke feeling refreshed and with no regrets about the night before and spent the day watching crap TV and cleaning my guitar – no pressure from anyone to do anything cuz I had no plans. I got great messages from some of my friends wishing me a happy birthday and that was another cool added bonus. My roommate got me a cake and I found this great bracelet last night – my two birthday presents this year – again more than I expected. And now with 20 minutes left into it I’m going to lock myself in my room and hide so that nothing can ruin a nice stress free (almost) 24hrs.

BUT…

On Saturday the 22^nd _ I had a miserable night – I tried not to but I ended up having some expectations – I wanted to have fun see friends – maybe meet someone – get laid – whatever – all those expectations failed – I got stressed and angry and depressed and drunk dialed and it was all bad – I was alone in a bar crying - The whole night wasn’t bad – I did briefly see someone who I wish I could have talked more with but unfortunately the way the night was going that didn’t happen – and I did see some friends from Sac but they were trashed when I met up with them and that kinda sucked – So maybe except from one second on the stairs at The Café it all sucked. That’s why I don’t like to plan things for my birthday – I don’t want to be miserable –

Just another day

I’m not much of a fan of my birthday - growing up it was just another day that fed into my summertime blues – I started a tradition around my 19th birthday to just go out and have a shot with my roommate Jesse and then over indulge myself in booz like any other night – no frills no thrills no expectations no girlfriends just a shot of Cuervo at midnight and I was good to go – of course I made my 21^st a bit different and the last few years in SF I pretended to celebrate it with some friends on their birthdays because they are a day or two before mine – but I had a private celebration for me every year with solo shot of Cuervo at midnight- (I was born at midnight) - So its been the same for me the last ten years and despite my fear of the next ten years of my life being exactly the same as the last – on Sunday night I’m going to go out at midnight have a shot of Cuervo and see what happens – That’s it - no frills no thrills no expectations –

BUT....

On Saturday the 22nd I am thinking about going out on the town looking for a good time for no reason at all and I am inviting all of you to come along.

Introduction to nothing

Sure I have hope - Most may think I am a pessimist - just a realest though- and yet with a very healthy case of denial - hence the hope - every now and then I wonder if the next ten years of my life will be like the last ten - nothing has really changed about me - a bit wiser and slower - whatever - sure I have grown and am better at avoiding mistakes - yet my life itself seems very similar - is the next ten years gonna be filled with dead relationships and boring jobs - am I gonna keep wondering what am I gonna do with my life - am I going to turn forty look back and think " what a fucking waste" - I try to do new things I try to go out and see worldly events - like today was Bastille day- its sorta like the 4th of July for France - here in SF there is a French quarter - which everyone who I talked to knew nothing about - its basically to alleys downtown lined with restaurants - and I'm talking about two narrow small alleys in a part of town no one really goes to - in years passed for Bastille day they would have a street party, they'd block off the streets and people would wonder around drink and smoke and celebrate - this year - the first year I attend - was a bust - the city raised the price on permits and no one would pay - I went down to check it out anyway - no party going on - it was just a bunch of group dates having dinner - the funny thing though around the corner an Irish bar got a permit for a street party to celebrate - I over heard a couple checking it out say "it doesn't look very Irish?"- they had no idea it was Bastille day - like most of the city - so instead I went home and watched transamerica with my roommates - now that was a fucked up movie definitely worth watching - Happy Bastille Day!!!