AWHILE BACK AGO AT MARINE WORD

Me and Kelley went to Marine world in V-town like a month ago...

On the Madusa...it was a good ride...we went on most of them twice...the park was empty so we didnt have to wait in lines..i fucking love that...

a cheetah...it just passed back and forth along that fence...like it was insane...very freaky...
The tigers...we got there late in the day so we missed all the shows...but got to see these guys hangin about...

The Lions cage...this pimp had about five bitches hangin around...they just lounged there all day...
The shark walk...
I think I see a phuussy Cat...

Why do marsions where skirts?

The horny geeks of the sea....

This dude wanted to eat me...i know it...
whateves...
I think this guy was laying in the same spot when I came here 15 years ago...

Not the one that killd that croc guy...
Me and Kelley...we had fun...wasting away a hot summer day...

I LOVE HER....

I guess Im just a hopeless romantic...

So i have to say...my feelings can be very intoxicating...I know what it feels like to be deprived of true emotional connection in a relationship then have someone come along and give you what youve been thirsting...and so you drink it up...taking giant gulps of it cuz your cravings for it have been so strong...I know how it feels...i've felt it all my life...from the lack of what I needed in a relationship to the lack of love from my family....I know the thirst and I know the exhilaration of finding someone who can give you what you need...I've lived my life of being there for people providing them with the love that they crave...and then having them fill up to the brim to where they nearly explode...like drowning from drinking too much water...then they take a step back, their bellies full...and with their hunger fed they pull away...and then feeling better about them selves they move on...and sometimes come back when they need more...and I stupidly let them...i crave it too...and I have struggled with trying to be honest with myself...trying to know the difference between true love and not...trying to be true to my emotions and not let people take advantage of me...
and when I met her i wasn't thirsting...I didnt crave love...she just found me...and maybe it was her thirst found me...she saw in my eyes a soul that can give her what she craved... The things she said to me the way that she is...her way of living the things she loves to do...her spirit...her words...and mostly, what I pray to god is genuine, her love for me...it all made me believe she was different...I know I gave her the love she thirsted but I hoped that she also loves me, not just the way i make her feel...
I fucking know I haven't known her very long...I know this all seems so fucking crazy...i've fucked up my life doing stupid things for loves sake...I've made dumb mistakes because i thought i was loved...I try very hard not to fall in those same traps...I know myself and my emotions to believe this is different...I know what i feel for her is different...i have never felt for someone what i feel for her...i know I love her...I dont need to know her for months to figure that out...the extent of that love well...i know I want to to learn everything about her and experience so many things with her...I also know life is an adventure and you can never expect things to just work out...you have to make it work...but you also cant force it...and that is the last thing I want to do...i never want her to do or say or act in anyway that is not natural to her for my sake...because love for me doesnt work that way...love cant be made to happen...it cant be slowed or sped up...it cant be ignored or amplified...you can be confused with infatuation...but infatuation is like puddy...easily manipulated and unstable...love is strong and its either there or not...to be grown or wither and die...
but I know she is going through a tough time...several major changes in her life...I know she is going to be afraid and have doubts about everything...i understand if she might need time away from my intoxicating feelings to clear her mind...maybe that will help lower the stress in her life...I dont want her to do things because she is afraid of hurting me if she didnt do them...all i ask is honesty and to be true with your emotions...I know somedays love is stronger than other days...it wavers in the wind sometimes undeniable sometimes full of doubt...but as long as it is there, between us...this connection...I cant be hurt...cuz love is felt much deeper than anything else...when it is true...

for me...i dont know how to tell if love is true or not...can it be true before two people even meet...laying dormant until the two souls finally meet...waiting for two hearts to find each other and than grow...from infatuation to being deeply deeply in love...I think true love can be like that...soul mates if you will...I guess I am a romantic...maybe a fool...but i believe in it...and someday I hope I learn how to tell when love is true or not...

The other day at the beach...

Ohio here I come...

Fun in Oakland...

Last night....shit happened....
talking to my Ohio girl...

Royalty featuring Birthday boy Ronnie on bass...


Me sneaking into the pic with Jessi and Maria...
Posing with some lovely ladies.....

Things to do today: - feel loved...check

So after Mecca closed I hit a strange bottom...not like any I had before...it wasnt cuz I lost a job or had my heart broken....no I was getting paid and my heart was sleepin contently....it wasnt cuz my ball of string was getting out of control and the laundry list of neglected responsibilities were overwhelming my life...although the string was unraveling...no i was having serous panic attacks from plain old boredom and stress about the unknown future of everything...i had no idea when or if I would work again...my band was going nowhere...and my love life was down to a frequent uninteresting booty call...
Then it happened...without warning or expectation...I found my soul mate...no...seriously...I found someone who is perfect in every fucking way...i was tripping over my lethargic life...suffocating under the uncertainty of everything...when I looked down...down from my stoop and saw an angel carrying the end of my string...winding it up and bringing it to me...unbeknown to her...she has already changed my life...ounce i was a red tie in a closet of brown suits...i wondered what person in their right mind would accept someone who shit talked as much as I do...someone as cynical and consistently sarcastic as I am...and yet i make her happy...just by doing what makes me happy...everything I ever thought about love and settling down and finding a lover has changed...I though I had experience in falling in love..knowledge about making a relationship work...well its all bullshit...the rules have changed...those past waves dont compare...this ocean I am swimming in is endless...I know Ive only known her for about a month...but you just cant know what Im talking about until you know for yourself...I feel like I am in a dream...and I fucking hope I never wake up...

4th of July in SF

SO I watched the works from a house in the Castro hills...the view of the city is amazing...but as for watching the works it was ok...here's some pics...

sorry boys...........and girls....

I'm done...nothing fucking matters anymore...life is a series of stages...its a skill you learn through the years..living...at first your some young tike...you learn to crawl...falling on your face dragin ass here and there and once you getit down some fuck pulls you by the pits and makes you stand...then walk...then run..then ride a bike..then your falling in love and...

every move you make is scary as shit...leaving all that was understood and mastered..."I HAD THAT CRAWLING SHIT DOWN, now you make me STAND!!!" oh shit this is scary...then you do it and you master it then you move onto the next...

where are you...what stage of life are you mastering...what stage are you afraid of moving onto...remember the last stage you where in..how scary it was at first...you know that feeling when something new hits you that you had no idea about...you think "I'M CRAWLING HERE AND IT GETS ME TO AND FRO SO GOOD...WHAT ARE YOU FUCKS WALKING FOR, THIS IS THE SHIT"...then some fuck makes you stand and its scary at first...but then you start walking...and then running...when was the last time you crawled...drunk as fuck because you lost your steps...You know it...moving on is good for you..growing is good for you...what you thought was life before is now moved on to a new stage that you had no idea existed...I thought I knew what a love connection was...i thought i was in love before...I think i just stood up......................scary as shit....i am loving it...

I need a fix...

Try to understand your heart…your soul…your life…I am a addict…I am a junky…my drugs of choice…LOVE, MUSIC, PEOPLE…

Ode to Ms.Bridget....

She was picking at a tree…like a kitty playing coy…blood rushed my soul as I hid my desire to caress her…we shook hands and I couldn’t help but melt in her eyes…I quickly had to run away…said my goodbyes and hoped to see her again….

There I was dancing on my stoop in a wig, wearing a red dress and pearls….when I looked down and saw the face of an angel looking up at me…I thought to myself who is that beautiful girl looking up at me…that smile was so sweet and my heart jumped a beet…then I saw Chey and realized…there is that coy kitty…damn does she look amazing…I quickly tried to find a way to let them in and I wanted to jump off my stoop and spend the evening with her…she took all my attention the rest of that dance on the stoop….

The street party was ending so I left my stoop…at this point I was getting a bit drunk and enjoying myself in the party…I quickly found Chey to ask about his friend...trying not to seem too eager…then like a hot knife in my soul…he tells me she has a boyfriend… my kind heart doesn’t allow me to want to cause someone trouble in their relationship…but as I looked at her staring out the window…I couldn’t resist…There are few times in ones life when something so real just cant be ignored…you forget everything and go on instinct…so I flirted with her…and the coy cat that she is played along…our time was fleeting and the party began to wind down…I tried my best to keep her around without seeming too desperate…but at last when I went back to find her she had gone…

She left me with my feelings flying high and my heart racing…and the idea that I may never see her again…which had become a pattern in my life these days…So I tried to forget her…she had a boyfriend anyway, right…

Sunday morning my roommates wake me up and we go out to Pride downtown…I fought the urge to call Chey, pretending to invite them all to pride downtown when all I wanted was to see her again…I kept thinking about how right it felt to be standing next to her the night before…I also got embarrassed a bit remembering how drunk I was…gushing over her all night…I had to move on…she has a boyfriend….

So Monday night….it was like Before Sunrise…we went out for drinks…I will never thank Chey enough for third-wheeling it that night….our flirting game continued…her coyness kept me wanting and I fought hard not to look too deep into her eyes for fear of falling, melting, wanting, and letting my heart go and doing something you don’t do to a girl who has a boyfriend…can you feel my struggle here….then we took some pics with a piñata and when she kissed it a rush of jealousy and desire took me over…I soo wanted to be the one she was kissing…my soul struggled…

I will never forget the moment our eyes met…and I knew I couldn’t stop what I was feeling…and its all Cheys fault…we sat in a picture booth for some photos…Chey in the middle of us…the first three pics were very innocent, on the last…she looked into my eyes and teased me, my soul dove deep into her beautiful eyes…every nerve ending in my body tingled…a smile so true and deserved came over me…and I’m still smiling from that look…it was over…I had to have her….

We returned to Cheys house after last call…I don’t remember how or when…my soul was drunk with, as she puts it, 100 proof feelings…and we kissed…I so wanted her to be a good kisser…cuz you know how important that is…and now I dream of her sweet soft lips…the night kept going and I just wanted to stop time and be with her as long as I could…she had a plane to catch in the morning and our time together was very short…

I am very grateful for that night…I am very enamored with her…as you can tell…that morning was so hard to say goodbye…I could tell she was struggling with it all too…she is in a 7 year relationship with talks of marriage…no small thing…I couldn’t help but wonder if I was just a vacation boy toy…

Well she’s thousands of miles away now…and as she tells me about her boy my soul struggles from telling her to destroy that bond she has and be with me or helping her mend a bad relationship for loves sake…I am a disciple of love growing it wherever it can be found…and I don’t want to be her mistake…

There are times in your life…they are very rare…when you know….I just cant let her go…I have to take the chance….

Pink Saturday and Gay Pride in San Francisco...

So...I want to thank those of you that stoped by Saturday for the party...It was Fucking great...those of you that couldn't make it missed out on some shit...well since I didn't have a place to put my camera in the outfit I was wearing...I couldn't get any pictures...So the party went well...I think I missed the peek of the party inside...but dancing on the stoop for me was amazingly fun...I need that rush of being on stage....

Sunday morning was a rough one...my roommates got me out of bed to go see Monistat perform at Pride in the civic center...Jason was one of her dancers...I thought about doing it too, but I was in no shape to do anymore dancing after saturday night...

Here's a slide of the show...

I got some video too but my Jason refuses to let me put it up...he says he's a performer but when it gets down to it he gets shy...oh well...

Pride was amazing and the weekend overall was a blast from friday night....ending at Don and Davids ->
to Sunday evening and enjoying a great wind-down dinner with Kriss and Brent...who are house sitting a place in the Castro hills...the view is Fucking amazing....
Ciao Bellas!!

Where are you going?

So here I am sitting on the couch fighting another panic attack…my gut is wrenching…my heart is pounding…my soul is dying…I don’t get it…there was a time when I had too much shit goin on and I needed to find that “moment” to compose myself and escape the madness…now the lack of living is causing me to feel insane…I need to find something consistent in my life…I keep having fleeting moments of passion, which was something I needed and wanted in my life…and now here I am dying for something long-term…why does life shit on you like this…

Trans Mach...san francisco pride foreplay...

On Friday the trans march walked up my street...I was busy cleaning the apartment getting it ready for the party when they rolled on by...so I got some pics...and a video I'll YouTube later...

Height street fair...Days ago...

A few weeks pass the height street fair occurred...since I have the time I went and checked it out...as street fairs go, this one has a good reputation for being fun...until the neighborhood gentrification finally took the last drop of fun out of it...meaning it was now alcohol free...so the bars along the street where slammed...and the crowd was a little less rambunctious...just means more stoned peeps and less drunkenness...anyway...the weather was warm, and i walked up and down a bit before hanging out at the first stage...the djs were ok but overall it was just a nice day out...

This is some street dancers earning some extra cash...

Hey Tinkle, I found my passion...

I had a fucking crazy panic attack earlier tonight…I’ve had them before…but I knew why I was having one…I knew why I was over stressed or had high anxiety…but in the last two weeks I’ve had them nearly nightly…most of them not full-blown…but tonight’s was the worst…complete full-blown all out going crazy cant control myself panic attack…and I wasn’t thinking about anything…it just came all of the sudden… I guess I’m stressing about shit more then I think…But mostly I think its cuz I have no release for my emotions…Bartending is very healthy for me…I get my social stimulus going…the constant flirting and ups and downs of every cocktail and the gratification of a job well done when your patrons leave happy and your pockets full…and I also haven’t played music in months…Music is the main way I get out all my stress…I need to go into a room play my guitar as hard and fast as I can and scream out my soul…without music I think I will die…and these panic attacks are signs that I cant survive without these things…I think they might be more important to me than love…

This is a groundbreaking new realization for me…I’ve always said that I can’t be happy until I’m cuddled around my wife and my two daughters…that being a father and husband is the definition of happiness for me…but now I know I need more then my girls to be happy…I have to have music and bartending or a job that is interactive like bartending…This is huge for me because in past relationships I would have a panic attack and thought that it was because my girlfriend couldn’t fill the void in my heart…I thought I was having a panic attack cuz i was love sick…but i havn't had love in a fucking long time…that usually causes panic attacks but it wasn't untill I stoped working and playing music that I started to feel realy shity...I am realizing that I need more than love to survive…

Love is no longer my only passion…Music and Entertaining folks are my passions…and as such my stress relief…and in all reality this doesn’t mean shit other than now I can be more honest with myself about what I need when shit gets bad…cuz even without love if I got Music and am Making Poeple happy...than I'm happy...

cuz Stress will always be a part of life…I will always have money problems, love sickness, insomnia, work stress, crowded grocery stores, social droughts, rejections, disappointing sports teams, bad haircuts, and shit just not going right…but now I know what makes me happy...dancing on bars and rocking out ;)

and LOVE {>

so what bitch

This weekend is Pride and it kinda marks and anniversary of sorts...It's been one year now living with my roommates...even though Eric moved in mid July...it still feels like this party will be a culmination of the happenings of the past year in all our lives...

When I moved in i was a relationship prone, career finding, sexually undefined, wide eyed young'n in my twenties reacquainting myself with the city...having moved back a couple months earlier from Sac and at that point still going back nearly weekly...Moving in here I began creating a new life and social group... getting to know a new part of the city...intellectually in transition...in my year here I turned thirty...i quit office work again to go back to my passion bartending...I've been able to stay single and have a few hot flings here and there...and now I know without hesitation that I like girls and only girls....I've learned a lot about myself..and now I have a new view of life and people and friends....and it will all show at this years party where instead of getting drunk and dancing in a dress on the balcony out of boredom...I will be getting drunk socializing and dancing on the balcony in who knows what out of fun...

The changes in my roommates will also be apparent in the guest list at the party too...which is growing past 40 so far....this party will be fierce...

It's all you hear anyway...blahditty...blah...

I wonder if my life would have a musical montage what song would it be to and what would I be doing…these days I would imagine its Dido’s - life for rent or maybe The Plugz – Mindless contentment…and the montage would be scenes of me sitting on the couch in different positions occasionally flipping the channel on the tv as I stair out the window or browse pointless websites….It has been very definitively proven to me that my life is very empty without work…and this makes me crazy…it’s like I am my rents even though I may not take my job home with me I am still very attached to it…

After the fire I still went to work and helped out here and there…but now I don’t go…so I kinda weaned myself into what I am doing now witch is absofuckinglutely nothing….it was nice at first, having nothing to do…kinda like a summer break…but I am going fucking crazy now…I am even having thoughts of going back to sac to visit…Shudder…

The thing about this time off is that it’s not planned…so I don’t have funds saved up to travel anywhere or do shit…for fuck sake…I owe bitches like crazy so going out is just guilt ridden and sucks…so I stay in chill’n watching tv…But this has got to end…So today, against my better judgment, I am going to hang out with an ex who is off her meds crazy…and I know I’ll just get drunk and say something stupid to her and its going to be a nightmare…but I cant stay home…so fuck it…
I wonder what the montage for next week will be…maybe to Prince’s lets go crazy or Black Flags Annihilate this week…or maybe some other sad tired played out song I don’t care to listen to anymore….anyway…what’s the point of this blogg again?

Mecca on fire...

It was about 9:30 on Sunday and the night was winding down at Mecca...about four tables finishing up their dinners and a couple Sunday regular late nighters in for their nightcap drinks...when I noticed a foggy haze start to develop in the restaurant...it was like the fog was rolling in except it was coming from the kitchen...so I walk over to see what the deal is and notice everyone is looking at our brick wood oven over flowing with smoke...nothing to unordinary...the smoke should subside as the wood burns down a bit...but then it didn't and suddenly the safety sprinklers in the kitchen activate and the kitchen staff evacuate the kitchen...in case you've never been to Mecca we have an open kitchen visible from the dinning room...where we could see the fryer react to the sprinkler watter and watch the hot oil begin to boil over onto the floor...at that point we new this was not good...

The cooks went back to grab their knives and I went back to the bar to make sure my guys were ok...hoping the wood fire would burn down and the smoke would subside...but the smoke quickly thickened and it was apparent it was time to leave....so Ginny, our new A.GM began to go around to the tables and ask that we all exit politely...and I look up and see flames coming out of a vent above a table and look over at a bunch of drunks sitting at their table arguing with Ginny as she is politely trying to get them to leave...finally we all exit and before I'm out the door, last as usual, the fire department is already there hoses in hand...

Everyone was fine and the fire itself was not major at all...but the water damage was extensive to the carpets and upholstery...so Mecca is taking this opportunity to use the insurance money and remodel a little...so they will be closed for a month or so they say...as for my job and everyone else...we are getting paid our average hourly wage while they are closed...which for me and the rest of the FOH staff covers our cable bills...hopefully they will give us something extra to stay with the company...I am taking this opportunity to find another job and make some extra cash 'till Mecca reopens...

So for now I have some free time...lets see what I do with it...

Ciao...

Where have I been...

In the middle of March I lost my phone...and with that I lost connection to a lot of peeps...I drifted away from life and ambitions to be social...I went to work than went out afterwords stayed in town and had no worries about the outside world....Things just went along in my little isolated neighborhood...without any outside bullshit...I FUCKING LOVED IT...So I spent the last couple months just drifting about being a San Franciscan...and I dont remember any of it but it all kicked ass...so suckit biatches...

DONT BULLSHIT A BULLSHITER...

The weather is fucking amazing and perfect the last couple days...makes you think we might have another hot summer this year...this month is the 12th month in my apartment in the heart of the Castro...a year here and I still love it...usually by now I'm think'n of where I am going to live next and casually checking out new apartments...I sometimes think the next step for my life is to get a place on my own...passably in the loin where its cheep...but for right now things are chill...I'm not yet up to buying furniture and settling in yet...

Mr.Sandman take me away,,,

Ir's 6:30 am and I've been staring at the damn pigeon outside my window for a couple hours now waiting for my eyes to get heavy and fall asleep...but instead i keep thinking random stupid thoughts like...whats the average lifespan of a pigeon...and who the hell is fucking singing out in the street at five in the morning...and if I were a pigeon where would i live...I wonder how cool would it be to go out on dates at like 3am...that would be fucking awesome to know someone who is down to do shit in the middle of the night...start things off wit drinks and dinner like normal people but at 3am instead...too bad this city sucks when it comes down to a 24 hour lifestyle...this city definitely sleeps....unfortunately I cant right now...

A nice start to a fun night...

The other night Maria, Eric and I went out to Cha Cha Cha in the mission for dinner and sangria...