Thank you Sacramento – I have fucked up insomnia again –

It’s 3:30 am - not late yet but I know I will be up for a couple more hours – It seems to me that whenever I spend a lot of time in Sac my sleep pattern fucking gets like this – I don’t feel like exploring the reasons why this is – I just am pointing out the hypothesis – Unfortunately for you because there is absolutely nothing to do in Sacramento and no one around to talk to – I am going to ramble off a blog – Yip fucking yee-

I’ve been thinking about the rollercoaster that is life lately – without going into a long ramble about Karma, Fate, and pointless clichés – I am just glad that I am getting out of my low point – It wasn’t too long ago I hated the relationships I was in then lost them – I hated my job and then lost the job I hated – I hated where I lived then lost that place too – I hated my tenants then lost them as well – and even though I hated all these things –my job, my girl, my house, my rent income, - I very much needed each and everyone of them – and then they were all gone – and even though it wasn’t all sudden losses three of them came to a head all at the same time – I thought I was screwed at the moment – I had found a great new house to live in but with out money I thought I might lose that again too - I freaked out a little when my life looked to be in its final stage of collapse – I really wondered why go on…

But again not all of the sudden but over time things kept coming back – Karma, Fate, Faith, Coincidence, whatever you want to call it – Life has given me the tools to keep moving forward and things are fitting in place that wouldn’t have fit if I didn’t go through all that bullshit – now I have a great place to live, with great roommates without whom I wouldn’t have been strong enough to get through the worst of times – I have a new job doing what I love Bartending at a place where I’ll make good money - and they are letting me get involved with the management to learn the business – It’s my dream situation – And I will have new tenants soon and because of other situations coming together I have the means to remodel the house and be able the charge more rent and hopefully have reliable tenants – And I may not have a steady girl at the moment but I don’t feel alone - and at least now I know what love is and that is huge.

Sure I’m probably jinxing myself and all these situations are going to fall apart soon – if you believe in such things – What I know is that life’s rollercoaster is moving up for me and I like it – I hope things keep moving up (yah I know a pointless cliché) –

So I caught the finale of “America’s got Talent”...

So I caught the finale of “America’s got Talent” otherwise known as “Americas freak show” - for those of you that don’t fallow it – which is probably all of you – It’s a talent show contest – and in the finale ten acts vie for a million dollar prize – It is a horrible show – the judges are David Hasselhoff, Brandy, and the obligatory English dude – The format is kinda American Idol like – after the performance the “judges” critique the acts – The acts or horrendous but somehow “The Hoff” and Brandy love every single act – You can buy this from David – it’s not like he’s been in anything great, deep, or artistic in fact he is perfect for judging cheesy acts – but you would hope Brandy at least would notice the ear bleeding voices on the show – Yet she seems to be the most clueless - it makes you wonder about her ear – can she not hear? – anyway – the show is on before Project Runway and I couldn’t help but wonder how bad Nina would tear these contestants apart –

I can imagine it now….

With the Acts on the runway Heidi would call out names “At Last….Taylor Ware….Quick Change….Rappin' Granny …Bianca Ryan……and The Millers.” PAUSE “If I have called your names you represent the worst and the best. - The rest of you can leave the stage – we look forward to seeing you in half-time shows at your local basketball game.”

Then the fun part as the judges critique the acts – the obvious comments about how bad At Last’s karaoke singing was and how entertaining The Millers were would bore and be edited out – then the fun…

Nina “Bianca – frankly I’m not sure how you got here – Your singing was immature and your voice just didn’t hold up – fortunate for you most of the other acts scored lower than you”

Bianca “Um I tried to be more myself today and show you me”

Heidi “Yah I just wasn’t feeling it either Bianca. Thank you”

Cut to 12 year old Bianca nodding and holding back the tears.

Special guest judge ME “Quick Change your magic act… you said you’ve been performing this bit for 15yrs“

QC – “yes”

SGJ ME “So you admit this act is old – and I’ve seen it done before by other couples – and I’m sure your not the ones that invented this act ..….I can’t believe this is a difficult act to do”

Nina “yes who wants to see the same thing over and over again…and it’s not hard to see what’s going on here…there’s no magic here” as she shifts in her seat with her nose in the air.

QC – “well we’ve perfected it and I think the audience loved it”

Heidi “Thank you Quick Change. - - Tayler…I love your pig tails” all giggle “ I really like your voice but the performance could have been better…I still like your act it was entertaining….for a moment”

TW “Thank you” with a big cute smile.

SGJ ME “I think you got this act down very well but I think you need to break out of the box and do more…You remind me of a little Jewel, you got great potential”

TW “Thank you” with a bigger cuter smile.

Heidi “Rappin' Granny …..can you explain to me what the Granny Dance is”

Granny “oh yah you like that it’s fun goes like this” As she does some lame dance

Nina “Hmm…actually I think it’s boring”

Cut to the surprised look on At Lasts faces – the drama of a favorite getting cut down

SGJ ME “Hey Granny – I’m sorry but your raps don’t hit and your beats are weak – in fact your just a gimmick gone way too long”

Heidi “Ok we’ve heard what you’ve had to say…you can leave the runway as we discuss you scores”

Then the rehashed talk about the drama in the room and funny comments – this is when you try to guess who wins and who gets cut. Then Heidi calls them back in and starts with the winner

Heidi “Bianca you can leave the stage thank you”

Then the camera changes from Taylor and The Millers as the favorites with a glance at Granny just to make you wonder if she might still win….”the winner is….PAUSE…who cares you all are nothing more than half time show acts TW and TM you can leave the stage”

Then the losers and because we love seeing train wrecks this is the best part – but before we end the contestants misery lets twist the knife in them a little first with some recap comments on how lame they are…

Heidi “Quick Change your act is old and tired and simple, At Last your singing was very off and painful to listen to, and Granny your act is nothing but a gimmick.” LONG PAUSE “At Last you can leave the stage” PAUSE as you wonder could Granny be out, it couldn’t be…it has to be the magic act “this will be a first for me” Heidi goes on “I am bringing out all the acts…I am sorry to say but you all……..VERY LONG PAUSE…are…..OUT, Frankly none of you are worth paying to see… Auf Wiedersehen”

My life is a rerun of 1984

Last night I dreamt about the first girl I ever had a crush on. I was back in High school in my dream – A tsunami hit our high school and me and Julie just barely missed it – I decided to walk her home and along the way we talked – it felt nice because in reality we never talked in high school – by then we had moved on to different clicks and stopped being friendly – but this was a dream and in it she invited me over to hang out – The funny thing is that even in my dreams I could tell this relationship was going nowhere – I woke up remembering Julie and realized that relationship defines my entire life of relationships – I met her when I was 8 in the third grade – Recalling the third grade I realize that year is the same fucking shit I keep reliving over and over my entire life – all that I had to learn happened for me that one year

I remember vividly the first day we saw the new house in Fair Oaks. It was Easter Sunday and I was seven – I awoke in our Rancho Cordova house very excited cause it was Easter and the Easter bunny hid a present for me somewhere in the house – So as soon as I awoke I ran all over the house looking – I checked all the usually places, behind the couch, under the bed, in the closets, but I found nothing – so I started looking everywhere, in the cupboards, in the garage, out in the yard, on the roof, - I tried to get my brothers to help – their response was cold “You know there is no Easter bunny now shut up” – Of coarse I knew there really wasn’t a bunny and there isn’t a Santa either and I still get presents on Christmas - So what the fuck happened? – I realized there is nothing hidden for me and I started to cry – My parents eventually asked me what’s wrong and I reluctantly told them in some child like way – they told me I didn’t get anything cuz I was too old for the Easter Bunny – and maybe I was but I didn’t care it still hurt –

So after church my parents took the family to go see the new house – it was a huge step up from our last place – and as I’m checking out the house my mom tells me to go look in what will be my room – I wondered why cuz I already looked in there – but I went to check it out again and what do you know laying there in the empty room was a present – I guess my mom ran off to the store that morning after my fit then she snuck my present in there – it wasn’t anything special – I remember it was actually a kinda lame toy – but it didn’t matter cuz I was happy, it felt warm that they loved me so much to go through the trouble to make me feel better - but I also felt guilty for making my parents do this for me – I was already at seven finding it hard to receive gifts - I felt like I didn’t deserve the present cuz I only got it after I cried – I didn’t know how to act – I still don’t

That first year of my life in that house defined a lot about who I am – beginning with the first time I saw it on Easter and even the first day I moved in and met Allison the neighbor girl.

Welcome to Sunny Santa Cruz

Sometimes its really nice to get out of the City – Last weekend I went down to Santa Cruz - I like it down there – It’s such a small town but somehow it maintains a sense of culture and life – It’s probably the seediest of all the beach communities along the One – That's two good reasons for a person like me to want to visit SC – not to mention my good friends living down there -

I got talked into a Social D concert Friday night – I like them but every song sounds so similar - But I figured out how to survive a Social D concert – Listen to the first few songs then when they go into something new take off for a shot at the bar - then go back for a couple more songs and just when the relentless beat starts to drive your brain insane you leave and go have a smoke outside – then come back and make your way to the front so close you can see the tattooed make-up on Mike Ness droop in the cracks of his old aged sagging eyes.

It was nice hanging out in SC – It was very different to how I’ve been living my life recently – Dinner with my friends parents and not to forget Grandma who loved to talk shit about her granddaughters husband – “I’m too old to worry about peoples feelings” I think is what she said – Waiting for the kids to pass out so we could go to the beach smoke a bowl and roast smores by the fire – It was a very domestic time – and very relaxing

It was great seeing old friends living down there – Saturday night I got to see and dance to another Arzlo Production – The Fuzz – They put me to work doing the sound for the band – I love being a part of live music in any way and it definitely put the bug in me to perform again -

Then Sunday when I got back to the City my roommate invited out to the “Up Your Alley” street fair – It’s like a smaller less touristy version of the Folsom Street Fair – walking around I saw naked old men lined up against the walls of the alley openly stroking their cocks and other sights of naked exhibitionism including oral sex in the middle of the street – Ahhhh what a perfect welcome back home to San Francisco – The Best City in the USA.