Surf or Die,,,

I hate this feeling…again…at a crossroads…I have no idea what I can do…I was on the beach looking out into the ocean imagining the rush of riding one of those great waves…recalling the past…past waves that picked me up and made me smile as I rode their greatness…past waves that came up over me and crashed me into the hard sand and rocks bellow…covering me with whitewater so deep I didn’t know if I’d drown or rise up again…but I always do float to the top with great relief and take in a huge breath of life…those past waves now put a little fear in me…as I wade out into the water just deep enough to feel the white water push and pull me…the feelings of fear and anxiety cutting through the passion to find that perfect wave…

I now stand there…my feet sinking into the sand…like a scared puppy….watching the waves break in front of me…felling the currant pulling me out…fighting it cuz I’m just not ready yet…Do I have the strength to fight pass the break… or will I just struggle against it and never get anywhere…will the white water keep pulling me teasing me…making me believe I can get out to my wave… than just push me back in…back to the beach to stare out alone….

all I live for is to ride that one great wave…I dream of it…I can sometime see it out there passing by…am I not ready for it…am I too scared to handle it… do I have the tools to be everything that wave deserves…to show that wave the ride of a lifetime…or will it just come over me and slam me down like all the others….will it sink me into the deep dark water leaving me to drown…I can see a good one coming but I just cant trust it…it looks good from afar but the closer it gets to me I can see it start to fade and destroy itself…I stand here waiting for a wave worth swimming out to…and here is one coming I see it looks a lot like the other ones I’ve ridden…the other ones that fooled me and fell out from underneath me leaving me with nowhere to go but down…it calls to me but the white water of past waves are holding me ashore…I want to believe I can swim out to it and it will be there for me…it will be there to raise me up as I pull out me sweet tricks full of passion and love…

been smok'n too long...

I changed my songs....I know my posts are sometimes just rants and rambles and nonsense...I thought awhile ago I'd write stories and cute little antidotes...but that's just not me...I realize some see my life and wonder how I live it...how can I waste so much time...how do I not take anything seriously or seem not to care...the truth is part of me doesn't care...I am not depressed or lazy...I am just waiting...waiting for a reason to give a shit...there are those who have their goals and inspirations...truly I may be just waiting for it all to end...this circle of doing the same shit over again seems so tired and done to me....change of scenery doesn't seem to change the types of people I meet...and I've met all the types...and I cant find one that not only is happy to be in my light but is also happy to see me shine...I guess I am one of those people that has a dark cloud fallowing them everywhere...so maybe I do have some low level constant depression going...but I don't see how that changes anything...I am waiting for someone who knows how to bring out my passion...cuz now I just don't feel like anyone is worth showing my tricks to...

Is this what your looking for?

Are yah up?...wana hear a story...maybe one about the Irish chics on lady's night that drink like fishes and never go home...or how I locked my stupid ass out of the house today...effectively killing the one day I could find time for that MOMENT.... how about the story of the tranny I let freak my ass at the trannyshack last Tuesday....maybe about the event last Monday for Benefit mag at mecca with Tim Gaskin...but I think Jasons Tim story is better....or maybe you'll like to hear how I passed out in Marias room again...or how Jason and I were part of Moni's show...sure I gots stories...unfortunately your not up...and I'm in no mood to write anything...so fuck it...

I got a bar meeting at 11AM tomorrow to look forward to...but after a few hours of work tomorrow its 60 hours straight of "who gives a fuck"...I wish you could be here to see it...maybe I'll write all about it Monday when I finally sober up...'till then...whatever

happy new year its 1985!!!

and I'm 8yrs old in bed watching Dick clark on the tv in new york drop the balll...I have some vague memories of that...more I remember the feelings of new years when your a kid...It really isn't much of a holidays for youngsters....When I was growing up my parents never got a baby sitter when they went out...my brothers are four and six years older then me...so when I was eight Willie was 14, old enough I guess to be in charge...but whatever...

I remember being snuggled up on the couch in the dark watching the tv...everyone else off doing their own things and I had the house basically to myself...I heard some of my class mates where having a sleepover I didn't get invited to...another little thing to chip away at my soul...I watched the crowds of people on the TV having fun, hugging, and kissing...I probably cried at the show of all that emotion...I do remember thinking that someday I would have a New Years like that...but that year I was meant to spend it alone on the couch dreading the next day when I'ld have to hear about everyone else's fun new years...

This New Year turned out better than I thought...but I still missed out on the fun everybody else had...maybe next year'll be better...

I'm tired , sleepy, and grumpy...

Sleep deprivation has become a way of life...I was supposed to work today but at my own schedule...so I figured I could throw in a nap at some point today...but NO...I agreed to cover a shift so now with my mind in some foggy haze from the four hours of sleep a night I've been getting I have to go open the bar and train the slow ass new barback again...I get so frustrated at how slow he is and keep doing his work that now I think he expects it...I cant wait to get our old one back...He hurt himself but should be back soon...I'm exhausted from doing two jobs...
And I need fucking haircut...but Luz, the girl who I let cut my hair..has been out...It's been three weeks since I needed a cut and now my hair has grown so fucking shaggy I cant stand it...and I got to sew a button back onto my nasty work shirt cuz I ripped off another one...And its Trannyshack night...which I am excited for...but instead of enjoying the show I agreed to be a part of it tonight...so I have to do shit to prepare for that...complain complain complain....


Anyway...what I wanted to say is that sometimes you just need a moment of comfort in your life to get through the rest of the shit...A moment when your warm and snuggly and relaxed and nothing matters...a moment with no cares or wories..just soft comfort...a moment when you dont think about you insecurities or responsibilities..you dont wonder about the who, whats, and whatevers... I like those moments...especially when I''m cuddled up with someone I trust and can just lay and say nothing with and their be no uncomfortable arm or tickly hair in the face...just two people who care about each other...
Instead I got my cold hard computer to rant to...and an alarm reminding me I'm too late to do all the things I need to do...

Random rants about nothing...

So I'm in the midst of working 11 days in a row...and unfortunately I have to train a new barback so I have to work 11 hour shifts...hopefully that wont continue the whole week...anyway...I haven't got much time I have to work a private party tonight for some dusche...well I don't really know who it's for but i hate that we have to work today...we're usually closed on Mondays...and it's a fucking holiday...whatever....

And I think Steve and Carl, my pigeons, are in heat...I hear lots of ruckus outside my window and I took a peak out at their ledge and saw an empty jar of lub...so...Fuck I just realized I'm the only one not getting any action in this house...My roommates are keeping warm at night and the biggest slut of us all ME is freezing in bed alone...This sucks...All I do now is sleep, work, get drunk, pass out, and repeat...well it's not that bad...but I cant wait for my next day off a week from now...

Nothin compars to these two...

My niece and nephew...They think they're the shit...fuck..to me they are...fuck'n teenagers...I love those fuckers..all seven of 'em

Everything else is just filler...

That last post, although very funny to me, seems too much of a downer so I feel compelled to put something else up quickly...I'm getting late for work so I have to write quick...which is so not my style...but anyway....I have nothing to say so I decided to make a slide of pics from my show last month...I was very happy my roomates came...I know they probably all hate these pics but...I like them...

Drunk'n ramblings are so funny...

The worst god damn torture ever…fuck it all…why must I be so longing…never will I be with the one that makes me sing…never will I have what makes me…I sit here dreaming of things that will never be…fuck it all…and once was the day I dreaded to be so loved to the one I loved.. I was there as her friend her shoulder to lean on…and now she doesn’t even want to lean on it… I was much better off as the friend at least then I could pretend and now as the protagonist to the interest as the wrong choice as the easy stop I fail to be any real part of her life… I am nothing…life has so many circles…so many twists and turns and lies and let downs…and I have so many nowheres to go and dead ends…If only...

if only.

Fuck you and fuck it… the dreams are all I get to hold on to …fat chics and strangers who tease me …left in a glass box to never get any…and all this is hell…I've been her before…this time I find myself as one of the many..I find myself less special than ever..even by those who once considered me different… I am nobody..nothing…a mistake..A lost time to boring to remember…the change has risen… it is nothing...a lady needs a bed…and there it goes again… to the end of time I find it is never been so strange that there are to many things in this world that take the hold of time… I will never rest… my heart wont die..it never rests.. it is the only thing that can ever be fed… and my life circles into hell….

Rats and super Rats

Last night was a slopppy swamp -- new years day was great i think --
the story goes like this...woke up early and stumbled into the front room...it was a nice day and I looked over and saw Breakfast at Tiffany's was playing at the Castro theatre...so I wasted away in bed until the first showing at 230 -- Was my first time at the Castro theatre so I was excited about that -- It turns out its nothing special though but anyway...I got my popcorn and soda found a nice seat and watched my favorite movie of all time -- there are so many good lines in that movie about people and motives and love and bullshit --- rats and wild things --- anyway ask me about it late some time its a good convo -- so than i get home and its movie day with Eric and I -- we watched a few movies got some sushi and smoked...it was a very nice day...than he soberly passed out and I went to the BOC looking to get drunk...and maybe more...

Nothing happened to me at the bar...but it was fun people watching...it was like a beer commercial...