This bruised rib thing had fucked me up more than I thought it would.....I can't sleep well , I can't breath, I can't stand up straight, and my back is killing me....it has left me uneasy all the time....I don't want to go anywhere nor do anything because of the pain....fuck! But I would do it again for sure.
Anyway, I was such a fool to think marriage is a given in life, that you could one day just decide it's time, go out and find somebody and get married, I had no idea how hard it would actually be, growing up I thought it was something that happens to everyone, someday inevitably you meet a girl, fall in love, and get married, stupid twenty something me just throwing away relationships, not trying to find love, what a fool I was...as I look around and see all the old unmarried men on the train with me...marriage is not in our future.....how cloud this be....how did I get here?
Just another example of how the older one gets the more they realise how stupid they once were....I was very stupid and very foolish...now I live with my choices ...But then I think about my niece who just eloped...barely twenty years old...to a guy I know she can do better than...taking her into a life in a small town with small opportunities....a life I could have chosen, I could have married that one girl years ago, settled....I would have my girls...but would I be happy...
Maybe...maybe I would be here with my girls instead of alone....maybe I would be divorced and more miserable....
Thinking about what maybe could have happened is boring....what did happen....I wasted nine years drinking in a boring bar in a boring town with boring people...then spent nine more years in never never land....
Now what.....keep trying? Do I keep trying? Does trying even matter.... what I want makes no difference...so I guess I wait n see...but that is what I have been doing...I keep waiting for the right time...to fallow someone's lead....then try....
Maybe I shouldn't wait n see...I am running out of time....
Am I waiting too long to choose...I am so picky and unsure, I so don't want to make the wrong choice, so I make no choice....and drift with what is easy....
Maybe it is time I become slightly more aggressive, I don't want to change who I am, nor do I think I could change so drastically, I am not an aggressive person by nature, I couldn't always be that person...I am patient and calm...that is who I am....but...maybe I am too patient,too calm, and too picky...
Or....I am afraid, unsure of myself...of making the wrong choice and being laughed at....
I think that is the biggest mistake of my life...I have fought for myself all my life, defended who I am and my choices , at opposition with my family....ridiculed by peers....at odds with society and status quoe, so as I became a man, I hesitated, I let fear of unacceptence get me, of thinking that I would be alone in defending my every choice, fear of being wrong and laughed at again....
Unless I was drunk....then the fear would go away....and you would find me dancing on tables and making out with the girl society didn't see as beautiful as I do.... and my ideas seem so right and perfect.....
My biggest mistake of my life....wasting 18yrs in fear...waiting 18yrs for someone to be on my side....to fall in love, to be married...waiting to live my life.....
I am alone, and in such life will be more difficult.....but that is my only choice.....I have no one to support me, no one to help me...my ideas seem crazy...but look at me...look where I am now....I got tired of waiting for someone to travel with....so here I am...drinking wine alone at a bar in the middle of France....no one I know would be here...would have gone to pamplona on a whim and slept in a park and ran with the bulls.....things I love...I am so glad my choices got me where I am today...I need to be more crazy and not care what anyone thinks, I will defend myself alone, I will be laughed at, I will be misunderstood, but I will live.....it's not perfect, not how I dreamt it, but at least I am no longer wasting my time waiting.....waiting for someone crazy like me....who has the guts to live crazy...
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