killing time before work

I took this test before...i put it here on my blogg somewhere but i cant find it...i wonder how much i have changed...i took the enneagram test again too..i am still a huge 2...and still fallowed closely by 4/7/9...so my personality may fluctuate a little but i am still the same person i was a couple years ago...a giving, artistic, adventurous, schmuck....who according to these results i am also messy,unassertive,bizarre, does not make friends easily, unsympathetic at times, submissive, weird, sarcastic, and strange...no wonder i cant get a girl to stick it out with me...honestly i dont thinks these numbers are all that accurate...but who knows...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 38% Stability |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Orderliness |||| 18% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||| 14% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 63% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious |||||||||||||||||| 76% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||| 76% Materialism |||||| 23% Narcissism || 10% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Humanitarian |||||||||||||| 56% Conflict seeking |||||| 23% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Avoidant |||||| 30% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 76% Change averse |||| 16% Cautiousness || 10% Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 76% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Peter pan complex |||| 16% Family drive |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| % Histrionic |||||| 23% Paranoia |||| 16% Vanity |||| 16% Honor |||||||||||||||| 70% Thriftiness |||||||||||||||| 70%

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personality test by similarminds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
secretive, reclusive, messy, disorganized, introverted, unassertive, rarely worries, dislikes large parties, does not like to fit in, does not need to control others, solitary, ambivalent about chaos, tough, leisurely, does not respect authority, not aggressive, observer, abstract, impractical, dislikes leadership, daydreamer, bizarre, does not make friends easily, not a perfectionist, suspicious, rarely irritated, strong physical instincts, unsympathetic at times, risk taker, submissive, weird, sarcastic, strange

its a realization....the game is over

its funny how things work...the thing that made me feel the happiest i have ever felt in my life now makes we feel the worst i ever felt in my life....

i suffered from major depression most of my childhood...i have one memory of the 4th grade and its not a good one...it wasn't until i was 23 i think until i got a grip of it and snapped out of my major depression...but i still suffer from bouts of it here and there...and i was told i have a constant low level depression i cant get rid of...i think thats the main cause of my insomnia, my low energy levels, why i am so negative and unhappy, why i am an asshole sometimes and say mean things and push people away....

its been almost ten years of me dealing with this low level depression...Dysthymia is what its called....over the years i have learned how to deal with it...and sometimes i fall into severe depression still....when i suffer from major depression i have learned how to conquer it and recognize my behavior to make those periods of depression shorter...but the disthymia is always with me...its hard to think of life without feeling this way now...

well i think my recent bout with major depression is ending...i know what i need to do and i feel the energy to do those things come back...and its all because i am getting a grip on this love shit...so i have to see her at work and it sucked not being able to love her, and it sucked even more knowing she is flirting with the sous chef...but that hurt is now all but gone...truth is after talking to him i found out he is an asshole and a liar and really short...if thats the kind of guy she wants then so be it...

really the point of this was to say i am making stride to get out of my depression and am ready to live life again...so bring it on

god help me draw that curtain back and begin anew...

I feel like a tool for the universe...as if my life is not in my control...i have no choice in where my life leads...in the end i find myself in the exact same place...no matter how hard i try to escape it...the truth keeps finding me...

i want to break free...i want to live a different life...why am i your mirror...why am i your crutch...why do i have to be the asshole, the pusher, the catalyst in your life...for you and for you and for you i live...but who lives for me...who will be there when i need them to be...when do i get what i want.....when do i get to use and be forgiven, without remorse...oh do i...do i really...


i am not without fault, not without greed, not without lust, jealousy, vanity....i am a man who desires to be so much....i live a life i truly am greatful to have....but i feel like i have all the water in the world and i am thirsty as a mother fucker, but i have no cup to drink that water out of...

i am going now...to see the freak show they call pink slip...alone amongst friends i will be...smoking to hide the pain....drinking to kill the time...waiting for the second act to begin in this play i call my life...i await behind the curtain, anticipating its drawing...wondering whos face will i see first...who will be the lead in the next chapter of my life...someone new, someone old, someone recent...maybe this is a lone chapter in my life...if it is i hope its a short chapter...

there are 99 ways to live life I a am living the hundredth…

Am I a love martyr…are you cold…am I lost…why cant you love me back…am I not enough…do I cause you pain…am I not all you ever wanted…(i am not) I tried to give you everything you ever wanted…I woke you up from your slumber…showed you all you can be….all you can be is all I hope for you…do you not see me in all you are…I gave you the space and you filled it with another…I took it back when that space was still empty and yet you want another…my heart my soul lives in that space you keep pushing me out of…you keep pulling me into…you keep replacing me and I am still there…you hold me close…like a hug in a glass case you pull to when you cant find it in you…I am here when you need me…you discard me like a tired old song when you’ve heard it to many times over again…but when your new song doesn’t hit as hard, you play me again…you come back and tell me I am your jam…should I give up…should I move on as everyone tells me to...as you told me to do tonight…I feel like shit…I feel like shit when I am with you…I feel like shit on shit when I am away from you…those who don’t know love tell me love doesn’t treat me like this….maybe I don’t know love…99 friends told me I deserve better…I want to hear from the hundredth maybe she knows better…remember how you felt…what you do to me…ohh what you do to me…or is it what you wish you could have had…and I didn’t do…couldn’t do…a better idea from far but up close seems too real…am I a love martyr…I hope you get what you want…I hope you like what your getting…there are 99 ways to live life I a am living the hundredth…