Ok....so....today is a day...that shit might or might not happen...but i am ok with it either way....it is funny how down on myself i get when in a relationship...then when single i dont give a fuck...i guess it comes down to the fact that i only care about what certain people think about me...most people dont know me so their opinion of me doesnt matter, and some only know me in a certain light so their opinion is subjective...but if i love you....fuck am i hyper sensitive....maybe it is cuz i can count on one hand how many people know me well enough to matter....i am always super confident until i fall in love...then i freak out...35 years old and i still act like a dumb shit....i have to fix that...maybe next time will be better....
For now though, nothing matters...i think in a good relationship...once i get over myself....and truly trust the person...it will be good...the problem is things go way too fast and i dont trust that...i hope my next relationship goes slow...it should have some history...it should be hot n heavy at first...when u meet each other you know it is special...you want to spend every moment together...you want to fuck each others brains out...you think it is perfect and forever...and ur falling in love....u r in love...at least a very beginning type of in love...but you have to be mature enough to realize real love takes time to develop...u have to get through the part where the fire goes from a blaze to a warm glow and not just assume the fire is going out...all it needs is a little time...some care...and that fire can burn long and hot...without having huge flames coming from it....that is where real trust is found...when i can relax and truly believe in myself, you, us....that is what i believe in...someday I will find that person who has the passion and dedication for us.
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