You may know the facts of my past, but you dont know the man I am now...

Today I will lose....and tomorrow you can find me again when the sun rises.....I will be boxing for your heart....and in your apathy I will always be knocked out...

the more I drink the more I fall in love...the more I love the more I need to drink...when you get down to it I am a bar fly...my defense is to drink so much you can't stand me...there are two reasons left to be here...and one sure thing...the longer I am here the sooner they find me out...and then there will be none...

Oh love of my life.....I don't know how to approach you...how to say hello. ..how to start our adventure ...Because the dead dont speak...and at the same time you are standing next to me wondering why I won't talk to you....you are beautiful, strange, amazing, and just as unable to speak to me as I am to you........so how do we begin..........love doesn't always find it's way...sometimes it gets lost and never happens.....

Bye for now ....

Disease is a horrible thing..my mind is full of fantasies, make believe conversations n  arguments with invisable  strangers...and so I resort to my phone...today starts a wonderful weekend of music...I am seeing  lagwagon tonight...I love music...i am  horrible with remembering names n titles and can never remember the words to a song.. ..but this band I know nearly every song off their first three and a half albums...there are no other songs I have heard more during my life...I always  play Hoss  when I am heartbroken...I am hopeful about seeing them tonight...I know they probably won't play many of the old songs,  there are only two original band members  left anyway.. .but I am in need of a good  time...I got homesick last week...as  strang as that is...I need a good fun night out, I've come across to many jerks recently...they are easy to find here in Paris....I can't seem to fallow the rules here....they don't like that...n I don't like rules....

Paris is no longer burning...the real one that is...

Movie night tonight...I am watching "Love in the Afternoon"...I Love Audrey Hepburn...she picked great movies to be in too...I grew my Love affair with Paris in part because of her movies...many of them are set in Paris...when people talk about Paris they almost always use the words beautiful and romantic...I had always wanted to visit this city with someone I was in love with...maybe someday I might still do that...

I am watching this movie in hopes it will reinspire me, to remember why I wanted to come to Paris, I am also reading "The Sun Also Rises" be Hemingway....I never read him before, there are many references to him in pop culture, many writers looked to him for inspiration...I dont read much overall but it's these kinds of Authors i enjoy reading...the other night I was out and I wondered what would Hemingway do here...would he still come to Paris...

I dont know...I think that about SF as well, would Burroughs and Ginsberg still go there, they all come here though, Paris, everyone must make a stop here at sometime in their life...this is my very brief stop...but today is so much different than before...there are no artist communities anymore, there are no cities were enclaves of creative people live and help each other survive in until the next novel or art exhibit is made.... commercialism has killed that...artists are different now...they create for paychecks shaping their art to fit the masses...

the internet has changed it all as well...now you dont need to be connected physicality to get your break, anyone can be discovered anywhere...I mean do you think Alice Mcdermott, Anne Tyler, and Michael Chabon are hanging out sharing each others work over cigarettes and booze...that shit doesnt happen anymore...

Cities like Paris, New York, London, San Francisco...they all used to be where you had to go...where opportunity could find you...now all you need is a wifi connection....

I am not over Paris yet...i only barley know it...did you know they do not have any drag shows here...that should tell you something right there...

Eyes are the windows to the soul...

I found the secret to why Nutella tastes so good to me...it's all in the eyes, big beautiful eyes, and a soft chin to round them out...did you know there are masculine and feminine facial features, I apparently have more feminine features...luckily for me some women like that...but not most, and in my opinion i prefer that...we are a rare special group of people....and she will find me very fucking cute, as I her...

I took this BBC test, check it http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/ , do the brain sex test, it said my mind is equally feminine and masculine, I scored high on everything especially empathy...

"Empathising

Your empathy score is: 16 out of 20
Average score for men: 7.9 out of 20
Average score for women: 10.6 out of 20

What does your result suggest?

Empathisers are better at accurately judging other people's emotions and responding appropriately. If you scored 15 and above, you are very empathic and would be an ideal person to comfort people in a time of crisis. Women in general are better at empathising."

I was surprised at first that my all around results didnt come out more feminine...but then I thought about it and the truth is I am balanced...just compared to the average dip shit dude I seam girly...but compared to the world I am neither one or the other but a great mix of both....

earlier today I was stressing about my eyes...they are too big and make me look feminine, that is why more people find me attractive with eyeliner on because it makes them look smaller...same when i wear my glasses....but knowing that science has proved some women like big eyes, that it's not as rare as I thought....well, feels better...

but tonight I am wearing eyeliner, and I am not shaving off my beard which makes my jaw look more masculine...because even if she likes a more feminine face, she still wants a man....funny I have to wear make up to look more masculine...

Not that I am going out to find her...but if she is here in Paris...well,

What am I doing today?

Todays objectives:  people watch with a cafe n croissant...run around jardine tulier until I can't run anymore....eat something fantastic...find a bar to watch some football game everyone is talking about....practice French....eat another fantastic meal....find a way to pass out early....

"Is that normal where you're from?" ummm....no...but nothing is....

I love talking with strangers....i have not always been so able to talk with others...i used to find it difficult to fill in the silence...but now as i sit next to strangers...i find myself making friends everywhere i go...and it is not like i am gregarious or loud, here in europe it is because i am not those things, because i am not those things i am able to find others who are worth talking with...and in our corner we can mock those crazy loud annoying americans....i am happy with who I am, I am becoming happier with who I am growing to be...i am happy to meet such nice people here in Paris...and I hope to make lasting friendships, so far i can not tell, i may have met these people for only one night, one day, shared one moment...but I hope, I think it would be special to make a life long friendship with someone here...

That is who I am...I walk into a place and i meet someone, and i quickly judge and maybe if i am feeling it i open myself up, and then if you are an open fun caring person....I am inviting you to share with me anything and everything...what is mine is yours, and where i go you are always invited....all I ever ask is show me respect, friendship, caring, sharing, and love...and you will always get that back from me in return....

Some people take me up on it...see how far you are willing to go with a stranger...how far are you willing to trust someone on instinct...if you know me you know I will travel anywhere go into any building fallow you to any establishment eat any dish and jump off any cliff based on trust and honesty, and you should know you can fallow me, n trust me to show you a wonderful great time in my city...there is no limit or no place too private....and maybe in doing so I make friendships i will never forget....

Realizing I might not be back to Europe, at least for a few years.

Ok....so....I changed my mind...I have a list of restaurants I want to try....of dishes I can't wait to eat....that is my world right now...
I am enjoying my time here but am looking forward to Aug, to traveling through Brussels and Amsterdam...i could just go without a plan it's only two Weeks, I will be in London the 14th so I could just wander until that date...stay in hostels by the night....
Tonight I am going out back to Candelaria, the only bar I felt comfortable at here. I know I can be presumptuous at times, but I am an open book who has no idea who is reading me....so I make guesses...and therefore I can't write things I ordinarily would, this is not a place for dialogue, so I am going to FB you instead.

I need a new hat....

Hmmm...so....again....I am way to much into my head....always talking to myself....no one else here to talk to....

I keep wondering why so many people love Paris so much....I have yet to figure that out....I don't know why people say SF is the Paris of America, I don't know what that means....Paris definitely is not the SF of Europe....

I keep battling with myself as to wether or not I like this city...night life for the most part is not as lively as I thought it would be....
There are beautiful women during the day but the nights are filled with drunk girls...

luckily that is not why I am here....unless things change I know I do not want to live here....

the other day I was reminded why I am here...watching my saved cooking shows from Paris helped me...no reservations reminded me that it is the food and wine that brought me here....
And to continue my quest of fine bistros and pastries, I am going to pick up a new pastrie on the way home from this brasserie where I have been watching the people pass by all day while sipping on my cafe, then later try a spot out in the Ober again tonight....
This is my life in Paris...food, wine, cheese, and pastries....don't you wish you were here.

Dream a big fucking dream....

So my last post has been bothering me ever since I wrote it...one I hate generalization, two I never know what I am talking about, three beauty is deeper than the skin....
Anyway, I fucked myself up last night, err yesterday, all the walking/running/jogging has caught up to my old legs and parts...i could barely make the walk home last night and spent all night tossing and turning in pain, not very good...
Still hurts today...I guess ten hour walks around the city is out of the question for a couple days...
I need to spend some time in anyway and plan the next part of my trip, I will be in London for a week then back to Paris for another, but the first two Weeks of August are open...then it's off to Spain....
So I was thinking Amsterdam, and maybe a stop in Germany.........Stockholm u ask, why not....yes I have thought about it....in a dream world it would be easy and natural, "hey how are you, I am "in town" so to speak I have some time n could come visit"....
I am reminded of that scene in 360 days when he goes to the party and there is a split screen of the dream and the reality...although I don't expect to get back together with her or anything like that, my dream is for friendship, ha I don't even get the realty of that movie, which seems correct some how....
I guess it is a bit much to ask someone you've only known in realty for a month to put you up for the weekend...if the shoe were on the other foot I would definitely invite her to stay at my place, no strings attached, but that is who I am...I invited everyone I know to come with me to Paris, still hopping someone will take me up on that, even exes, but I guess I am different, again....
I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask though, maybe I can put her up for a weekend here in exchange...might be a lot to ask though....she doesn't even want to talk...

I made a choice...for once...........maybe...

So when you were busy and having fun the days go by very fast...my time here has been a stand still...I try to keep myself busy but there are only so many museums to see and a limit to how much info your brain can take in a day....so between hours of French lessons and hours more of researching on the net, and a French movie, there seems to be half a day left to fill....i mostly spend my time walllking around, going for a run, exercise, long meals, yet during those activities I am in my own head, alone....
I seem to keep hitting that traveling alone sucks wall....I get it when you're young and out every night meeting strangers....but I am not interested in the kids here...

Although I must say I am in love with a certain type of French women, the style, the beautiful faces, short petite gorgeous women, very modest make up, outfits perfectly put together, but without seeming to try at all...I am extremely picky when it comes to what I find attractive...i think my dream girl is French....
to be honest this is something of a big deal for me to say....it is like living your life without nuetela, maybe u  had things like it, or tasted it before but it was always rare and hard to find, you knew you like it but you couldn't single it out in all the flavors your world offered, but now you're in a new world and nuetella is everywhere and tasted better then ever noticed before....in fact if you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life you are certain it would be that, not chocolate, not cake, not candy, not cheese....you found your true favorite...it's like that....