lycka till kvällsmat jävla kickass

Life is fun and goes fast when you live it...

I am a little nervous...although i was recruited for this job...it is always nerve raking for me to change something so big in my life...I am in charge at my work, and the new place i will be middle management...but probably the AGM in a few months...that I can handle, just having my friend as my boss...

I was talking to a regular that comes into work about nervousness...he has to speak in front of thousands of people for his work and it freaks him out every time...I was saying to him that when i get nervous before a show or a interview for a job or apartment or talking to a girl for the first time, whatever it is...I take that nervous energy and turn it into excitement,because physically its endorphins rushing through your body making you feel butterflies...like when your about to jump off a cliff...scared at first the fear of failure overwhelms...but when you know who you are, you know your friends and family always love you...you know tomorrow will happen no matter what happens today...and today could be the greatest fucking day ever cuz you are about to do something fucking exciting...then you just turn that nervous energy into positive excitement and a rush of happiness and joy and you let a a primal scream of FUCK YAH THIS IS FUCKING FUN CUZ I AM SUPPER FUCKING KICK ASS!!!

I wonder about my friend now...I bet she is going to have trouble sleeping tonight because of all the excitement just like i did last night....my spirit is with her soothing her back telling her stories until she falls asleep...nat.

more sushi...i just cant get enough lately....

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"we'll always have Malmo" have u seen casablanca yet?

Finally an answer....i am always confused by her....i dont think i will ever figure her out...that only makes me want to know her more...maybe it's cuz i treat her like she's my age...i forget how young she is and so i am surprised when she acts her age...i would never want to be 20 something again, to be unsure about what to do....even though i would love to fix my mistakes, i would probably just make other ones...
Anyway...i could take it as she doesnt like me she regrets dating me and she doesnt want to talk to me.....or more likely, she doesnt know how she feels about me, she needs more time to figure that out....i get it is hard cuz i know she doesnt want to lead me on or she doesnt want to be fake...i respect that...i am glad she is who she is....i love her like i do all my exes...there is a reason why we connected and that will never go away...i am friendly with all my exes and still talk to the more important ones...but it took time for some of those friendships to develop and get over the baggage...i hope someday she and i will talk again...
Hopefully she will call me and have an honest discussion about whatever feelings there are then move on and grow into whatever kind of relationship....

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ohh swedin...i would have failed this class...

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back where i grew up....defenitly not home...

So I am in sac today....called a couple friends FBed some others and nothing...been driving around the last hour and a half checking out old spots doing a tour...so empty here...so quiet...no people...went by an old bar I used to frequent and out front where a bunch of kids all dressed trashy and a couple bands setting up...the music was mettle aweful...I refused to go in....having a coffee at a spot that never fails me...
I will NEVER move back to a small town...this shit is tooo boring and depresing...I wish I had someone here to keep me company...I went by my exes but decided against it...I don't think she would like it if I just stoped by...almost everyone I know here is married with children...I am going to stop by Shakers my old main bar...but it's too early now...I have 2 hours to kill...I guess I will go eat again...there is some bomb ass sushi places here...and cheap too...wish u were here.

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hej alskling.....

Sorry about the Swedish...just lately she has been haunting me....I met another ex intern from Amsterdam...being upstairs at supper....and just the curiosity of her move because i still care about her and want to know how she is doing.....and it all reminds me of the fact that i stupidly wrote her thinking we could be friends and she just ignored me...i dont get it...so I am going to try to put her out of my mind...I am going to Sac today...not looking forward to that...but should be good to get out of the city...

Ok seriously no foolin....before I met her I was a supper club friend...and on facebook I read her posts.....I didn't know they were from her I also didn't know what they meant...but no shitying you when I read them I felt something....I didn't know what it was...I knew I liked them...they where attractive is all...we were in love once....now she hates me...she can't handle me.

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her ghosts keep haunting me...

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tick....tick...tick....Mr. sandman forgot where i live...

poke.

I want to like your status...i do like your status....did i cross a line...am i too much...does my love sting....when will it go away...I ask that everyday...tomorrow i have to remember what i learned today...every morning i wish the same thing...

there is no substitute for butter.

This wasn't the plan....
I was supposed to be elsewhere...
Instead ur ghost haunts me...
I remember the morning in ur bed....
The boats hung over our heads...
I checked you out and was a bit lost...
But your words kept me in....
And I lost all worry for my day...
Then I saw u outside my gate...
My heart jumped with life...
My soul wept through my eyes...
I was taken, u won me over...
But now...tonight...I am reminded of u...
I am hurt again by u...hurt by ur absence...
I have let you go...but you never left my heart...
I know losing me will be ur greatest mistake...
And my pushing u to do it my greatest failure...
I would accept ur call any day...
I would love to erase these wrongs...
I don't want anyone else....
I don't

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How I wish it was...

What it feels like....

The best is always saved for last...

Tonights movie is Greenberg....not sure about this one...about 30 mins left in it....another movie about a miserable person...he is very comparable to me...yet i think he makes me look better....i can feel disaster coming though, this movie is dragging on with lots of nothing happening...

"Living a life i dint plan on" ---

I am getting a new team together...it is nice...I think this time i will have a better group of partners...I have a better idea of what I want...last time I was just a guy with money backing up my friends idea...this time I have an idea I want to do...and all I need is the right people to help me get it done...I have the chef I need...I need to find someone to bankroll the operation...having people to work with makes the process all so much easier...i dont want to disappoint them as their friend...i can let myself down anytime...but I cant let down others...so writing the BP will start to come quicker I think...I have to ask around about that bank roll now...and also I either need to find a som for the wine list or get my own sommelier license...$800...just pass two tests, not bad...i can do that...plus being a som will help me in my career if i need to find a new job...just checked...classes are full...i have to wait until next year...so maybe i will approach my som friend...also going to check regularly for a new chance to take the class...it is funny...they offer the test all over the country and only the ones in SF area are full...I love this city...

it is late...time to try to sleep...wondering why she didnt write me back...keeps me up at night...i just wanted to be friends...but i guess that cant happen...whatever...

It is a sushi kind of night...

and then maybe some wine and cheese...

wanna make out?

The movie for tonight is Multiple Sarcasms, it started out well, about 20 mins left in it...I neverfelt bad for the guy...yet i totally understand his misery...He has everything i could ever want, a loving wife completely opposite of him, a great best friend very similar to him, and a beautiful loving daughter, and a career...but in order to write passionately you have to embrace misery...not too different that in American Splender....I am sure how this one is going to end, the play is done and the misery moves on...Love will find him somewhere...

it just goes to show everyone has their own path...i love movies like this..i love cheracter driven movies filled with Love and the end of said love and the birth of a new love...movies that show the human nature of our need for companionship and the delicateness of it all...i dont understand how poeple like this exhist...the luck of being loved...the luck of being enabled...no one does anything alone...ugh...the movie is ending...i can feel the and they lived hapily ever after coming...so lame...but i am taking it as fiction, the truth is implied, the drama was too hard to overcome, love was rejected, and he is old and alone, at least until fame found him and with that comes...well stuff....

anyway...i downloaded naked lunch by Burroughs...i hope it's good....didnt write a song but I played good fun music...lots to do tomorrow...maybe also talk with you...who are you?

i just overheard another one of my ideas put to use....

Today i am downloading a new book to read....also i am recording a song... Also today i am calling my potential therapist back...missed his calls :(
When i was post high school my dream was to open a co-op radio station with a valiant format...this was before the Internet and satellite radio...ur only options for media and entertainment were big corporation run radio and tv...so it was difficult to hear a fresh opinion or new song...everything was status quo....i hated it...

So my idea was to take in peoples tapes and hour long programs and broadcast the best ones....and seeing how YouTube and pod casting has exploded, i know the idea would have been incredible...

But it would have been short lived cause soon after the Internet made radio unnecessary...

But i have these ideas...things i said i will do...and 99% i do what i say i will do...except this business thing is killing me...but in time i will do it...i have no doubt....

Becoming a loving, caring, supportive, and great husband and father....idk...i need to find a great girlfriend first....that i have doubts in.'>.

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getting out of the house...

But I dont ride bikes...

I am only myself...exactly what you want me to be...

I am watching American Splendor...i like this movie, well more I like the story...I relate with Harvey's awkwardness and point of view of life...also I feel like despite his despair he is the luckiest guy ever...and then there is Joyce...and here is the part where she says "I think we should skip the whole courtship part and just get married" I love those balls, knowing exactly what you want and taking it...well it's all perspective...i Love love...especially when it seems impossible....love finds a way...

only for the wicked and wise.....

No one cares about the dj...I don't get the dj culture...those peeps that stare at whoever it is playing tracks as if they are doing something special....the rest of us only notice if they fuck up or play shity music...its not hard to do anymore....when I was 12 13 14ish I fucked around on 2 real turntables everyday...no beat matcher no digital scrolling through thousands of tracks...just a crate of records you spent every cent u earned to buy...yah we used to have to buy music back then...u couldn't dj with taped songs off the radio....whatever...

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when you look it feels good...also read the stuff too...

Ugh....a new relationship seems so wrong right now, but I can't be single...some girl always puts me on her agenda and I just soak it up and go along with anything....I need to say no...I am fucking 35 for shits sake, I can't keep doing these same mistakes....and I am tired of being infatuated with girls I can't have...that is the story of my life....

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something always happens eventually...

ok so shit is happening...i got job offer...less money, but less responsibility...and my business partner and I are definitely now going different directions...

so here I am...what i want to do is open my own business, but what i know is that i cant do it by myself...I am doing it by myself now and it is hard, and the work suffers cause one person cant do everything...i need someone to bounce ideas off, to talk to, to do the things i miss, to balance out my weaknesses, someone i can trust...i dont have that...

So yes my job sucks, i need help...but I like being the boss and I make good money...the new job is a couple steps down and the money is only ok...I am going to check it out, but it is still 5 days a week and long hours, so it is not freeing me up to do other things...which was one of the things i need in a new job...

Also my work is going to get some new life into it...new investors and the basement being opened could potentially add even more money to my current job...and more prestige if it is successful so it would be good for my resume...

I like the money because sometime next year I am going to Europe, and the more i earn the more I can save, the more options i have there...because now that i dont have a business partner i dont know when or how or with who i am going to open up my spot...i feel very much at a loss here...i have to write this Business plan alone and the truth is i can write it but i need someone to tell me its ok for me to have confidence with it, i need someone to bounce my ideas off of and just hear me...fuck...finding a business partner is almost as important as finding a lover...

So i feel like opening my own spot is dependent in finding a partner and since i feel so unconfident about myself right now, i feel like i am repugnant...so maybe moving to Spain is sounding more and more like a good idea...finding a fresh prospective, trying new foods...and maybe learning french and moving to Paris...i mean the most romantic city in the world isnt that where i should live...So the more money i make the more opportunity i will have to make that choice of whether or not to move to Europe or just vaca in Europe...

So do I take the OK job or keep my shity yet great job that pays well...or do I quit and go back to school....or quit and start up my own spot by myself and deal with it...anyone?

...

........

..................

nothing...i got no one everywhere.

and so as it is....I am coming in second again

So I finished "Brida" the other day....when I finished the alchemist I cried of joy from the possibilities of change...this time I cried of sadness from the end of hope....u see when u read a book u identify with one of the characters...I felt closest to the magus....it didn't work out how I hoped for him....

At least I came...I mean placed...better than last...

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Bonjour chérie...café...oui s'il vous plaît...

for my soul mate...

have you seen my tweets...they are not meant for you anyway...

i gave you flowers...but just like us...
they are dead...their beauty had gone...
I found in you my soul mate...
I found a place I can spend the rest of my life...
a place I can do anything...I can finish everything...'
in you all my dreams are possible...
with you in my life love is forever...
you are my soul mate...
and in so I have to set you free...
for Loren is your life, your commitment, your family...
I am not happy to let you go....the loss is immense...
but I do so...I know I must...it kills me...

why bother looking here....

there is nothing in my mailbox...

time is not the answer....
i lost who I am....
nothingness has taken me over...
from night to night it keeps me trapped....
nothingness has pinned me down...
i lay here thoughts of anything new gone...
life has been taken away from me....
nothingness will not let ideas grow....
obsessed with nothing and nothing consumes me...
time ticks....passes....is gone....
I am nothing....

fajitas!

hey darling....

I hit fast forward and found out the truth...
When it all ends none of this matters...
I suffered, I took it easy, I made mistakes...
In her I found answers, I found the meaning....
I can tell you what you did before u did it...
I should be hurt...but my love is real...
We all make mistakes, choose the wrong box...
But without knowing what doesn't work....
You will never find what fits perfect....
I have made enough mistakes to know perfection...
if only perfection knew me....

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photobooth fun!

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is this sexy or dirty, or both....I like it anyway....

thicker than water...is what we have....

ok..imagine yourself...no i mean really look deep inside yourself and think of a place that has no reality in your world..you have to really do something hard and unreal...imagine a place full of women...full of non lesbians...women who dont want anything to do with each other but small talk...sure you like girls as friends you can talk to them...but you want to hook up...so you look through these girls for a boy...but there arnt any...none...but three...one fat and ugly, one with his girlfriend, one thats gay....and then there is one more....but he seems very uninterested in you...so what do you do...go for the ugly guy who is ok...or go for the hot guy who seems to be more interested in someone else....and then you have all these other girls around you trying to vie for him too...and they are loud and aggressive....now what... do you get loud too, do you overpower those girls and take your man, change who you are...then if it works, now he expects you to be that person all the time....so now what...

i am over it....there is no answer...women are crazy and so am i...i sit and wait for her to pick me up...just like the one that got away did...she would take her man...thats why i loved her...i am who i am, it may not be perfect and I might not be happy about it all the time, but someday...

i believe in glitter....

In the darkness you will find me...
our souls searching for someone to hold onto...
someone to walk with through the unknown...
every step i take is full of excitement of anticipation...
i have no idea where this ends...
i remember not to step deep into the soft ground...
i reached out for you...i can smell the saltiness of your skin...
it calls to me...i am here for you....
You are near to me, in my heart and soul...

Ringing that Bell...

Just over 5 years ago I met April...and I fell for her instantly...she had something i couldn't resist...I was 29yrs old, bouncing from girl to girl trying to make bad relationships work...i had no idea what being in love meant, i have never met someone like her, April was tough and street smart, she never went to college, and she played dumb at times, but she always knew how to get what she wanted...I fell in love with her hard...but at the time I viewed relationships as "just for now" i wasnt looking to get married or have a serious relationship...and i had just broken up with Oakland...so when she told me she wasnt looking for a realtionship either i was ok with that...i just wanted to hang out and see where things went with no expectations...except i was crazy about her...i didnt know why but my heart was full of passion and my soul longed for her greatly. She was 23 at the time, I just helped her move to SF, a great new city for her, and she was focused on taking care of herself...and i sudenly wanted more...so she pushed me away and was a selfish girl, and on my 30th birthday i realized she didnt, couldnt, and wouldnt love me like i did her...and i was hurt and pissed and acted like a child...that was the last time i saw her...she no longer lives in the city...she is 28 years old now...i write about her because Sweden reminds me of her...they have those same qualities that i fall for instantly...and now i wonder what April is like, what she is up to...five years seems long but at the same time it feels just like yesterday...

So what have I been doing all these years here in SF...

I like big butts an' I cannot lie...

So yo girlfriend drives a Honda,
Playin' workout tapes by Fonda,
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back o' her Honda.
My anaconda don't want none,
Unless you got buns, hun.
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don' lose that butt.
------ ----------
Baby got back.
Baby got back.

Little in tha middle but you got much back.

I've been there once...

I cant sleep...i am watching a movie..."All the real girls"...Love is such a crazy thing...30 mins left in this movie and I feel heart break is coming in the movie...and there it is...

I have been down many roads...I have had my heart broken a few different ways...it always comes as a surprise...even when you see it coming for miles....I told Sweden every little rotten awful thing about myself, i told her everything i could think of that could shatter her image of me, i was pushy and deliberate in destroying how she felt about me...cause i was so fucking scared of getting my heart broken again...that girl knows so many things about me no one else knows...in four months she knows me better than Ohio does after 4 years...and at the end, when i finally felt i could trust in her...after showing her the worst possible me there is, ready to be everything she fell in love with, to trust her enough to let myself be happy because i believed she loved me...she broke my heart...

this movie reminds me of my mistakes...never again will i go down that road...after a year of "i love you, i fucked someone else, i love you, i need space, i love you"....i lost all faith of love...all trust in it...I know i fucked up the last one, but how do i trust again when the second i do, love fucked me over...

My life is different now...i have grown and changed and I recognize potential mistakes much faster now...I know what i need and i know who i am...in a dream world i could take back my last fuckup and start that all over again and do it right this time, be myself, my true self who she fell in love with...but she is forever gone from my life...there is no hope...but I know i will meet someone new someday...and i will get it right...

I hate waiting.....

I am off for food and coffee...and to write....maybe i will tell you about it later....so much going on and I have been very busy...but i think people are very stressed these couple of days...If you need a hug i will give you one, fo sho...if you need to talk, i am here...if you need to cry, you have my shoulder to rest on...If you want to scream and rant and rage, I will be here to listen and rant with you...If you want to wrestle and tickle fight I will roll around and laugh out loud till my stomach hurts, because i trust IN you...i care about you...or we can just get together, get trashed and forget about it all again...I am ready for anything, and i dont expect anything....and i dont want anything....something will happen....

my head hurts...

I really dont care....

a quick post before i leave work to go out and wind down at the bar....i just wanted to say that i realize how i look sometimes...my ex called me a love martyr...i talked about that in other posts...sometimes i think i should rename my blog to "the longing for love"...i know it seems like all i write about...there are other things in my life...but this is where i put down the dark longing inside me that i dont express to anyone else...so now i am going to go out and think about anything else...cuz i know it wont be long until some other girl gets the pleasure of having me to wake up to...

If i could turn back time....

Good morning...I remember two things about my dreams last night...I dreamt about smoking last night it was very nice...i also dreamt i had a girlfriend and she was great...but had a big head...i dreamt i put on her shirt cuz i was cold...that was weird...

there was this point i wanted to make....it was a feeling, i feel so stupid for believing her words...when she told me she loved me for who I am...i shouldn't have believed her...my gut told me not to...it was so hard for me to trust in love again...but i did, and now I regret that...I know if she and i lived in the same town things would be different...but we dont...i will never meet anyone like her again....and as i struggle everyday to not think about falling in love again, to ignore the fundamental part of me that drove me to get out of bed every morning, to hear someone say those words she told me and for those words to be true, my heart keeps wanting love....someone to love my nail polish, to love my night owl, to love my caring, to love my everything and especially since you dont agree with my everything...to not understand why i do or dont do things but to be there for me anyway...i dont want to change who I am i want to meet someone who loves me for who I am...but every girl i meet doesnt want who I am...so i either have to change, to be more of a mans man...or accept the fact that i will die single, alone, and without fulfilling the one thing i ever really wanted to do....if only those words were true....

i have better things to do do dooo....

So I promise to wake up early the morning, make u coffee, make out with u in the shower, cook u breakfast...give you my soul then let my lips part yours, and your eyes drift into mine...and as hard as it is， we will part, you go off to work and i will clean and go back to bed.......if u promise to be up late, fix me a snack, listen to my BS of the night...make out...wind down with me, cuddle and love me at 3am...that is my dream...women like u exist for sure.... met one of you tonight...but as god does, she liked to torture me with a girl who loves someone exactly not like me...the only way to be happy, to get the girl of my dreams...is to not be who I am...

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so far so good...

One last distraction from responsibility,,,

OK...5 hours sleep...late for day one of this work week...over booked tonight due to a large party coming in that i am ill prepaired for and understaffed...but i dont really care...i will handle it...get the job done..and exhaust myself in the process...hopefully make some good tips...then probably go out and have a few drinks trying to wind down from the chaos...

But my goal will be accomplished...i will be distracted from my life for another day...no time to stress about writing my BP...no time to think about my goals....and especially no time to think about how stupid i was fucking up my last relationship and how much i wish i could change that...she wasnt perfect...but defenitly had potential...whatever..time to go to work....

I cant sleep...not good...

introspective i go...more day off distractions...

So i took this test http://similarminds.com/jung.html again and i got

INFP

creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

WOW that sounds shity...but not far off....but come on nothing in there sounds good...
for who i am attracted to i got...

ENTJ

decisive, fearless, planner, thrill seeker, engaged, social, self centered, comfortable around others, image conscious, likes to be center of attention, adventurous, outgoing, manipulative, emotionally stable, leader, ambitious, hard working, dominant, prepared, hates to be bored, confident, opinionated, analytical, prepares for worst case scenarios, organized, orderly, clean, driven, resourceful, finishes most things they start, achieving, risk taker, desires fame/acclaim, image focused, narcissistic, arrogant, perfectionist, driven, academic, scientific, critical, avoids giving in to others, does not like to compromise, skeptical

that's funny.

theses descriptions are lame, but the actual MBTI is correct...i usually get INFP or ENFP depending on my mood....the Healer or the Champion...i like them both...and apparently i Love girls who have NT in their personality...which seems true...

losing me...

so there is this girl....young, same age age as the one that got away...she is cute, keeps hitting on me....she is creative,a bailey dancer, she is still going to school though so not that smart, but she is independent she doesnt go with the flow she thinks for herself...that is very fucking hot...she has big beautiful eyes and a voluptuous smile...and she is a night owl like me...we are usually the last two to leave the bar...but she doesnt have that thing that makes it work for me...there are tons of factors that go into what makes a person...but to be basic...she isn't kick ass enough....i would have to kick ass for her...i am not into that, i want to kick ass together...i want super fucking awesome AND kick ass she is just super fucking awesome....Anna is kick ass...she wants to drive the bike...i do too but its hot that she wants too...hotter if she trusted me to do it but would rather she did...that is a communication failure...she will learn..."let the guy think he can do it then do it yourself"...eventually i needed her to drive...and i was so happy she could...the point is i want to date and love my equal...so i can trust you to do the things i can do and you can trust me the same....i dont doubt you, you dont doubt me...whatever....this is a long post....i am high on redbull...anyway...today has been fun...my friends kick ass...i love days off....