time just passes i guess

Loser...or loner...or shifting friends, again...or just dont really belong here...n i wonder if maybe i should jump the shark...i have nothing to lose but time n money...and my supply of both could run out...i have a pipe dream...and its going up in smoke...nearly hashed...

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status change

So today i asked her to be my "girlfriend" today...i never liked that word....but i cant come up with a better way to label the relationship....truth is i still am a little uneasy about it....this is the first time i wanted to label a relationship and commit publicly i was no longer available for just in case somthing better comes along...not to say i eventually felt that way about my loves...but this is different...i am not trying to go all the way but happy to take the small step and be her "boyfriend"....i am stressed and happy

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we won...and we r the prize

Ok...i had a kick ass day...that girl fliped my world....i took two huge steps...i could have wished for an awesome day and my wish would have been lamer then what she gave me...i have spent hours wondering what it would be like to have everything...how would it be to get what i want....but even better i wasnt wanting or dreamin about sitting in a cloud of heaven...and yet there i was...living out what i thought was an imposible fantasy...it feels wierd to get what u like without asking for it and feelibg guilty for getting it...she is supper fucking badass

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faith in failure...

Ok...so i let myself go...i fall...she has what it takes to win my heart....and then what.....i find myself giving everything to her...goins thousands of miles to be next to her...choosing life with her...and then she realizes all she has compramised...all she has accepted as little unimportant things....then one day the dam will break...and she will cry...and my heart will die...i am unloveable

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the best things r those dificult to attain...

Ok...only buzzed...but very lacking in verbal ditractions...and all my thoughts r of her...i feel like i spend my day counting down the minutes until we talk again...i dont like that...i dont like being out with friends and not sharing this with her...i will not let this go on long...my heart has changed...what was so open and free has become synicle and distrusting....and i fear i can never fall in love again...and as she breaks down my walls and cures my aches...i find myself falling more n more everyday...i realize she is not only different but maybe real...i have little faith...but i think she has what it takes to win...my heart is no longer easy to have and it has always been hard to keep...but now it takes a winner to get it and a champion to keep it...and i think she is up for the chalenge...

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just a little after now

I am not happy...yet very hopefull...i am lookibg forward to what life sends me...but i realize i must suffer...and i know death and violoence and starvation r not my chalenges..my torturer for my life is abondenmont...lonlyness....and obviously bad spelling....those things wont kill u...still the same i suffer...suffered...and look forward to being loved...for real...because i have been fooled i have high standereds and lack of trust....i yern for the day she finds me...she wins me...she earns my love.

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now

My girlfriend needs to live in the same city as me...i cant handle being apart...my heart yearns for her love...i cant do this...drunkenly i did what i do best....but i dont regret it...i keep asking myself if i am IN love....i know i am not...but i love the shit out of her....and i trust the moment i see her my heart will no longer resist and i will fall IN love....then ten days later ny heart will be broken again....i know its comin but that doesnt change how i will love her...

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UB40 Don't Break My Heart 1985

My heart, broken and scared...needs faith

I am falling…I am loving…I am lost…I am testing…I am learning…I am challenging…I am not being disappointed…I am falling….

My heart wont let me…it wont fall in love again…it refuses to listen , to open up and let go…my heart tells me she is fooled…she is infatuated….she is intoxicated in the deep everything that u are….and how is that such a rare select group of strange women fall so deep so quickly, intensely, and seemingly sincerely, with me….is it that the love was real but the girl was not worthy or right…or was the love fabricated and the girl too smart to make this mistake…I wait, in anxiety, for someone who can understand me, understand my pain….understand my craziness and point out my shit…I feel love…I feel anxiety she will leave me…I feel dissatachment so I cant get hurt…my heart refuses to recognize, to accept, to allow her love to enter my space…she is amazing and yet not perfect…but oh so undeniable….and yet I feel like that some day she will wake up from this dream…she will see the nightmare that I am…we will see how much better she can do…she will see something so much easier and hotter and closer that can be all that she wants and more. And I will become a memory.

I feel it already happening…all it takes is one failed day…one day to not be so supper…for the high to waver and the endorphins to simmer…for my stay to be a bit too long and my longing a bit to desperate…just one moment for her to look with her mind and not her heart and see how boring and lame I really am…how needy and smothering I have become…just one moment for her to want to step back and reclaim herself…to push me away, to put down the drug and come back to reality…in reality I am nothing more than a overly super nice guy who in the long run is not what you really wanted…my heart is right not to let myself fall in love…my heart will not be hurt again…I can feel her slipping away already, and there is nothing I can do about it…soon the lover she thought I could be will turn into the friend she hopes she can keep…my heart has no part in this anymore…

how do u win this game?

Hell yah! I am without words...i have no reason to believe in love...it is fickle and can turn on u in a heart beat....what i know about love is tricks and suffering...is this world conspiring against me...is it cheating, holding me back and keeping me from love...there is no "one" but why r they all so unatainable and complicated....i have wasted away so much time...i feal like i cant win...reset n restart...

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