Part dos...

So much to do...i hope i have the time....i hope i get it all right....and in the end as i lock up those doors i will be out in the cold...miserably waiting for the buss...i hope i can get some satisfaction for properly executing my part in the evening....

But i am missing what i had....i took the job because i was tired of having to make every decision and have every question go my way at bossa...it was hard and not worth it in the end because i was asked to treat that place like i owned it without getting the rewards....so i took a job in a place where i have only a small piece to worry about....it was great at first...but now i am bored...

This party tonight...i have an important roll in it, but i want more....i kinda dont care about it...

Part un.

Is just a number on a made up calender....but i already said that here before....i.cant remember the last time i didnt work on newyears....last year was a success...this year i am responsible for someones wedding...strange to get married on new years...i think its a second wedding though...maybe a renew of vows...but non the less i am responsible for it going well...and i feel conflicted and scared....

Wings and insomnia...and another pointless ramble...

Cant sleep....too much redbull last night....it was my friends birthday and everyone was out to celibrate...it was nice...but everyday i feel less....you are missing....i talk here to you and yet you will never see these words for what they mean...you are a faded dream to me...not real....to live without you love...to be without you love...to be a shell...walking dead....a zombie....love is in my every thought....but i cant....i mustn't....i write it here for nobody to see....i leave my desire for love here with my heart....

And in my everyday i pretend nothing matters....to those i speak with i never mention these words...to everyone who knows me i am just who i always am....whatever it is they want me to be....

But to you here...my love...you know....these flowers are for you....these hands wait for you...my devotion to you is unmatched...my trust in you is clear and forever... but you dont know that...i cant show you what you mean to me....i cant tell you how important you are...i can only write fragments of my feelings here...but even if you read this, you couldnt understand...these words are meaningless without you to inspire them...

I need to sleep...

Sound asleep is my heart...

What does matter....i had loved....there is one thing we have in common.....i have changed, love has changed me....i am years behind yet so many years to go....what matters to you, your life so different....i have no idea....but i do know you love....your love comes hard and fast and without doubt....but love does not mean to you what it does to me....our loves equal in intensity, our desire to be in love matched....but what matters to me....to feel loved...to feel understood....to feel trusted and heard....that matters to me more than anything....anything.

Until we find each other....

Not sure what to say....i am tired...as usual....it has been a very busy week, but that is when i am at my best....it always amazes me when i read the cover count at the end of a busy night...but overall there isnt much to say...my work is a boring place....beautiful day though sunny and clear out over the ocean....

Dear love....i have lots to tell you...but only when i can stare deep into your eyes...only when ur light can bring me smiles....only when my hand can explore your body...only when ur scent fills my lungs and i can feel your breadth on my skin....

XOXO

another sunny december day in SF...

Four things have occupied my mind these days....my dream last night, a recurring one of my life, my home, my true dream...

christmas is today...I am not one to celibate it...

although when in a relationship it is always fun...and so is trips to wine country, another thing on my mind...I want to go wine tasting, fallowed by an awesome dinner and a romantic night, then fallowed by hot lava mud bathes and messages then soaking in hot spring water bathes the next day...I love living close to those things and I want to experience them one more time before I leave...that is if I leave for good...

And of'coarse, Paris....moving...the fact that love is not here for me, it never was in any way...The more people I date here, the more people I meet here, the more I realize I will never find her here...and I dont belong here...

So I rewrote my plan for life...so maybe I get a spot in France or Spain on the sea...or in Paris, or in champagne itself...i don't know where now exactly...maybe i buy a few rows of a vineyard or a piece of one...and I set up shop, sell my own champagne in my lounge, with the love of my life, is she the chef, the maitre d, the bartender, the ceo and chief of marketing, does she run the floor every night entertaining everyone with ease, making friends nightly, does she control the back of the house creating master pieces of eatable art, or does she use her genius, drive, and likable personality to propel the business into a fiscally thriving amazing company...in any way is it a fault I want to work with her...because when you get to my first thought, my dream, I am always at work, in fact my work is my home, and my home is not a home unless she is there too with me...

But what if life is more like my nightmare, more like reality...am I more like my father, and will make it impossible for my love to work with me...will I alienate my family, will my work consume my life...will I not even start a family...could it be she doesnt want to work with me, perfect in every way but that...i dont know...But then again, I have learned and grown...sure there are things in my genes I cant control, but I can do the things my parents failed to do, because I have seen the pitfalls of their mistakes...reality is still here...and I am lost

This is sushi...

If only....

Again you misses the point...

I totally understand you...i get you...you make sense to me...i know what you want....and i have it here for you.....but you dont get me....you dont understand me....you dont realize i have what u want right here.....i make no sense to you....here i am...but u cant see me

sometimes you let the things you love go, and they cant come back...

fucking shit...i had the best dream....i dreamed i had a big fluffy yellow lab as a pet and all it wanted to do was cuddle...it was great...it was raining out so the dog was in the house...but then i remembered it should be let out i cant be selfish and keep it with me always, so i opened a door and he jumped out and pooped...then he got all muddy and wet in the rain...so he couldnt comeback in to cuddle...I was sad...then it got really wierd, too wierd to share...then I woke up...

It's all in the wrist....

So i lost....but then again in ur eyes only....besides i wasnt even competing....i just do what i do and somehow in the end i do alright....some might say i won...but trophy's dont mean shit to me...its all in how u play the game...i play with class and ease....maybe its cuz i dont care how i place...its not to say i dont care how i do though....in fact i care deeply about how well i do....i strive to do great and be my best and then to better myself....to grow at every missed step....but for me there is no winner....i compete only with myself and i cant lose and win....so go ahead compare yourself to me....i dont care....in the end it doesn't matter who u think is winning.....who r u to say anyway....i lost...says you....

If this were a game I would hit reset and try to start over...

It is funny how Matrix like life is...in a city of 2 million an area of 5 million people, it is still often that you meet people you have some sort of connection with u already ...and why do so many people look alike, at my work there is a girl who looks like one of my exes, and I cant help but think about her every time I see her, and last night i met a woman that looked just like one of my other exes, the amazing thing is how different each girl made me feel, one I feel confused when I am reminded of her, the other I feel nothing, the fact is I cant figure out why the past keeps haunting me, why do i bump into people and things that connect to painful memories for me, why is my memory so sad..

I am excited about leaving this town, excited about trying something different, I wish I had more time, time is running out, and each day that goes by without love is wasted...

I regret a lot of my choices I made in my life...i wasted away so much...

there is no plan, where you are, who you are, when we meet...it is not written....

windmills, skull tasting drinks, red vines, walking anywhere with anyone other than you...everyday...i am reminded...I dont understand why...why the moment I was ready and able is the some moment things changed...things make perfect sense but at the same time completely suck... I can see my own reasons...but why the haunting...why the persistence into my life...

We must be meant for something else, but there must be a reason you dont leave my thoughts...I could never understand what drew us together in the first place, it was all wrong in so many ways...yet i could not resist...what is the reason for that...but then I see it happen over and over....perfect again...as we were, as you had me fooled...as I was told when I was 18, and over and over again...Love is a liar...

and the moment you believe in Love..it rips your heart out and smashes it into the ground...

where is this post going, where did it begin, what is it about...fuck if I know...a little of this and that all put together for no reason...

Maybe I should have just walked my drunk ass home...where would I be now if that happened...where would you be?

It's good to be single...sometimes...

Sometimes i hate that this place isn't completely private, or I can block who reads it....i really have no idea who reads this...most often it's exes....i dont know what they r looking for....for me to say "they are the greatest thing that ever happened to me and they will always have me and the time they were in my life was the best days of my life"....sorry but that isnt true, for all of you....fact is all you are is a learning lesson....dont do that again....I feel indifferent towards them really...the love was real and I am fond of my exes, but if we met again,there would be nothing...

Maybe they are looking to verify they didnt make a mistake and be sure of their decision to move on...and in that i am sure i keep them satisfied....or they want to see how I am, but dont't have the balls to just ask...

But here is where I want to say how much my heart hurts....i cant say that though....i don't want anyone jumping to conclusions....

Here is where i want to say I wish it worked out....but the truth is that would take them being a different person, because it didnt work out for a reason...what i really wish that happened, my first love traci back when I was 18....I wish you were also my last love, the one that went forever....how crazy would that have changed my life....everything would be different, but most importantly I would never know what losing love felt like...It is better to have loved and lost, sure, but it's even better to have loved and never lost...

my heart hurts...i feel defeated, hopeless, and alone...

You are the last time i fall for that old line...

Ten minutes to wait fir the train in this shit hole of a bar....at least it is warm....sometimes you can have the best day....then you get smacked in the face with an empty bag of nothing...and it dropes you to the ground....today work wise was a breez...my shit was on point...my duties done with ease, my coworkers respect me and my bosses are happy with my work...i am where i am supposed to be all the time...
And there it is i sit down in complete control of my surroundings, making jokes, taking it with stride....ready to go have a good time after work....ready to flirt and play and enjoy this awesome city and its people...
Then as if the world knows u just decided you're ok....smack in the face....here u go fucker, no actually today sucked shit and so will tomorrow....your heart is a pile a broken ash and garbage....your soul is dead, and your brain is running on autopilot, no one is home.....

Love who ur with....or make the best of it...until i can get there.

What to say....i made it....what a fucking long week....three nights of five hour sleep and Four 14hr workdays in a row sucked....good shit it started with lots of rest....but fuck it is done....now time to relax...or....drink lots of coffee and cram as many activities as i can in two day....12hours of  sleep done...time for coffee and food...some reading...then who knows what....

Money well spent.

Fuck it...saw a cab outside my work and decided to take it....fifty bucks spent on cabs today....so worth it....i keep thinking more n more about france....i really cant wait....i hope it goes well...be so awesome if i can get a job there...the sleep i got has really helped me out....clear thoughts n lots of energy today....hope i can keep it going, this is a busy week....lots of meetings and things to get done...

I feel beautiful....

I literally spent the whole day yesterday sleeping....in fact i passed out after dinner early the night before...i think my body finally hit its limit and shut down....and still this morning after sleeping all those hours i still hit the snooze button so many times that i missed my buss...and so here i am in a taxi...late for work. Man i dont like my job....i wont be happy until i open my own place....

You say u need a hammer...ummm...i got a screwdriver...

Thank fucking shit yes the week is over....i am tired....running around trying to do everything....and...not in love with anyone ...not worried about changing that...going to get some chores done, have dinner wit friends, learn some french, and read about wine.

It is true I am working for the weekend.... saving for my future..... I have no idea if or how I'm gonna do what I want to do... do not throw down the pipe dreams.... I was given a tool belt with holes in the pockets and a broken buckle....

But I got a belt....I am making it work... the holes are stitched, the buckle is still broken....

I cannot live with you....

by Emily Dickinson

I cannot live with you,
It would be life,
And life is over there
Behind the shelf
The sexton keeps the key to,
Putting up
Our life, his porcelain,
Like a cup
Discarded of the housewife,
Quaint or broken;
A newer Sevres pleases,
Old ones crack.
I could not die with you,
For one must wait
To shut the other's gaze down,
You could not.
And I, could I stand by
And see you freeze,
Without my right of frost,
Death's privilege?
Nor could I rise with you,
Because your face
Would put out Jesus',
That new grace
Glow plain and foreign
On my homesick eye,
Except that you, than he
Shone closer by.
They'd judge us-how?
For you served Heaven, you know,
Or sought to;
I could not,
Because you saturated sight,
And I had no more eyes
For sordid excellence
As Paradise.
And were you lost, I would be,
Though my name
Rang loudest
On the heavenly fame.
And were you saved,
And I condemned to be
Where you were not,
That self were hell to me.
So we must keep apart,
You there, I here,
With just the door ajar
That oceans are,
And prayer,
And that pale sustenance,
Despair!

Hey...stop denying the inevitable...

So i was thinking about you...all of you...who i have raised, taught, been there for always, supported, and always have a smile and hug for you....how do we keep finding each other...now in my old age the father figure role i suit fits better.....  :)
Anyway...i wanted to tell u a story...lots of stories...my days off have been very eventful....really awesome dinners in and out....very long days that end at dawn....
But how do i....how do i engage you in conversation...through pictures and vague sentences ....
Thursday was no exception....although i did go into work....but it was easy and fun....and then dinner with old friends....and out like flinn in a cab to the next dinner with newer friends....and the jokes and games and food and wine and shots....i cant describe it here...the essence would be lost....and then as i woke up....crashed out with three close friends spending the.morning together hung over....

It was good to spend the next day in bed recovering....watched movies...stayed warm....but my love...whoever u r....i missed u so much....we havnt met yet...but we will find each other.

These words you should never see...

I dont seem to understand what you mean by that...i assumed u could do anything....even know what to do when I act stupid....but how would you know....and then you made your choice....but u never did leave....always looking back....stumbling on your feet as you keep moving away....yes i am here, always....but what does that mean...what do you mean....what r we doing....love is impossible...lust is not going to happen....all we have is mutual friendship...are we even palls....i have no time to give....i cant go a day...and neither can u....what does that mean....i was sad...i wish u found whatever it is u r looking for...i wish i do too...but this....i dont know...my dreams keep telling me something...but what...you need to stop...you have to listen...life is not exactly what you think it is...perfection never happens...but I found everything once...and then i changed my mind...and found it again somewhere else...i lost it though....where did it go?

I like pink....

How do you do....

Today was ok....i am getting my energy back...my cough is finally going away....life is so much easier when ur not sick...i hope i did well today....meetings all day tomorrow...always nervous about being called out on something i am doing wrong or forgot to do....used to that anxiety from how i was raised...i am always surprised when people dont criticize me or put my work down...it is not what i am used to...

You wont believe where and how i found my keys....

There is no place like home...if u can find it....

My stomach is in knots....my lungs are sore....my head hurts...i got shit sleep last night....and i am late for work cuz i couldn't find my work keys....late and taking a cab so it is costing me....i really am confused about my keys...
And this cab is taking a long way to work....not a good saturday so far....
i had good fun though on my nights off....dinner with good friends...
Ugh....i cant wait for vacation....

So this stupid place is next to USF so it is packed with 20yr old kids...it is amazing how shallow they are...i see three guys standing together two tall goofy looking ones and one short dude who looks pissed off...and why shouldnt he be...here comes another drunk girl who totally ignores him yet drewls all over the personality douche bags.....so sad....young girls r dumb...

Ohhh...n btw...it is not u...it is who u represent...because u actually suck.

Seriously love the food here...the chefs in this city r the best in the world ...the scenery is amazing ....the weather year round is perfect ...always something to do some place to go....but the people need an american overhaul... they dont get it...and i am over it....there is no place as good as the people u r with...i love my people but the ones around me...the others in this town are shit....

I fucked up...i am more than that....i miss you....i love you....

melted cheese is just like tones of butter...

so I take it you got laid...it was satisfying...and naturally your head is in the clouds now...good for you...I am on the opposite end of the spectrum...i met up with an old fling i used to hook up with days ago...FWB if you will...and she was very forward tonight...but I just didnt care...now I am happy to be home....watching Sophies choice....polish girls.....so hot..........so when African babys and chinese baby's get adopted by white families and grow up around all anglos where they are the only ones that look as they do and all they see is white people...then you look in the mirror and feel all the prejudices their culture taught them and they see an uncivilized person...and then realize it is themselves they are staring at...........i have a feeling i am emotionally not going to....well...this movie is going to make me very sad.......the best of friends.....

free beer...

I know it is a stupid tv show...but my heart just dropped...a little scene and an idea....a baby crying and then her father picks up a guitar and sings her a song....she stares at him smiles and then falls asleep...WTF....I have dreams...that's all they are, dreams.

I could be ur best asset...a wise friend who cares....or a gentle simpleton....it's all perspective....but u wouldnt know how to tell the difference...

Shity....i had a moment....but it is gone now.....youth is definitely wasted on the young....it is crazy how quickly your body slows down....even though i am in better shape....my energy level is no way near what it was even a few years ago....i am fighting illness but still....
What makes it ironic is that i have way more dedication and wisdom to do what's right but tooo tired to get it done.....as before i would just put everything off for more fun things to do....or wast all my energy doing it wrong.
I have had a fun life....and i am glad i chose to live life over work.and career...but now i just wish i had the same energy that i used to because having fun is easy....working 70hours a week and trying to have a social life is hard.
It was a very weird moment today....those sirens wont snag me again though....i have to stay focused.

Good luck....to us all...

So it happened again...i met someone we flirted....things were on their way...then she held my hand.....my heart stopped.....my soul shrunk away....my future flashes in front of me....and it dosnt look good....another wrong relationship....more wasted time on someone that wasn't right....i pulled my hand away....but still we talked....and connected....and our hands met again...and i knew it was wrong....in the past i would have seen where it went....given her a chance.....but now i am more different than i have ever been....i have changed in a big way.....
my love does not live here....i do not belong here....not now....i have to leave.....i cant be with someone right now....my heart belongs to someone very special....and i have no time to waste on anyone else....my love is hers, i dont know her...yet....but i must not settle anymore....i will not go where the wind takes me....my heart has a place to be....i must get it there.....

The buss keeps going every day....

Being sick sucks....at least it isn't bad...only one day stuck in bed....now it's just a nagging cough....very annoying....
I am getting the hang of work though, things are getting done faster and better...so my days are getting shorter...maybe i will soon have time for the tones of things i have been delaying....
I cant get too ahead of myself though....i only have time for 6 hours sleep before having to get back to work....but i am hoping to have some extra time Wednesday...
Funny how packed the buss is...all these people going to work....i am going home to sleep...but i do love it this way...i used to hate that i was different....dreamed of a place people are like me....but now i just accept it...there still is hope in spain or france...but i am not holding my breath....
Almost home....

whats lov got to do with it...

day off blues...started off with a fresh new rejection...I tried OKC thinking maybe there i would find at least a new friend or adventure....but so far, nothing...it is cold today....48 degrees...

It would be awesome to soak in a hot tub with candles and champagne, massaging your feet, or u laying against my chest my arms wrapped around you, kissing the nape of your neck, spending the evening talking, soaking, being warm, and all that fallows...

ohhh how nice it would be....listening to the rain cuddled up in bed watching classic movies and eating candy....

the definition is changing...the picture is blank...who you are is the whole picture...and I have no idea what that looks like...

And yet i am on ur mind....still.

Last day of six in a row....70hr week....surf parties are finely over...things are mellowing....turned in my cocktail list yesterday....that is always fun....i sketched out a maple n bacon flavored tini....should be a hit....
I hope today goes fast...my cold is not going away...at least it isn't bad...

time is all we have...every minute without you is wasted....

What is the point...I like to sit here and release my demons onto this thing...complain about all that is shity....and then move on in my life...so here is more shit I dont want fucking up my day....I feel like I am getting sick....my throat is closing up, I have a tickle in the back there I cant get rid of and I am coughing more and more....and my head has a slight pounding nausea effect going on right now....and my body feels soar...so sickness is approaching...if i can just ignore it until my day off it will be all good...sorta...other than that work is keeping my busy...I have to go soon....i hope I get done early, midnight maybe home by 130 sleep by 230 that will get me a good nights sleep before going to work tomorrow at 10am....6 day work week this week...but fri an sat off...that is strange...what will i do...I have been trying to get dates...but very unsuccessfully...I think I lost all my appeal...something has changed....it used to be much easier...meet a girl flirt a bit then everything just kinda happens....but lately everything just kinda falls apart...last friday was the worst night of my life....it really couldnt be worse for me as far as my relation with women goes...and since then other girls i was flirting with have cooled on me, the sparks didnt turn to flames and in fact just went away...

what is different about me? Do i still love sweden, i dont think so, it has been way too long...and I have had no contact with her, I think about her but I have no hope in that situation, it is a fond distant memory like a two week long "Before Sunset". So i hope deep down that is not pushing women away from me...maybe I am getting too old now...but the women i talk to are close to my age...

I am trying to live without love...but affection would be nice in the mean time...my heart is broken damaged and shattered to the core, my soul is beaten down and bruised quivering in a dark corner, and my mind is consumed with work....life has taken its toll on me, I cant change the past, I wasnt given the emotional support most successful happy people have had to be confident in themselves, they have an emotional place to goto when the shit gets hard and all u want to do is rest....I have to make it on my own, I have to push down the emotional criticism and rejection I am used to getting all my life...being loved and cared for is for other people...i have good friends sure, but none that truly know me or will be around for years to come...There is nothing I can change about my past, my hard wiring is dark and lonely...which is why i thirst for love and dont trust it...which is why i am hard to love and push it away...which is why i have to not care about it anymore, i have to learn to live without love...i was depressed all my childhood, i turned 23 or 24 had a revelation and realized love is all I needed, that someday i would meet a woman who would love me for who i am, and we would start a family and i would raise two beautiful girls, giving them all the love and support i never got...but now that dream is gone...i dont have that to hold onto anymore...

I have to go to work...that is all I have...a great job, lots of money, and a career i am great at...three things i couldnt care less about.

Only superman can do that...

Trust me....i made it all up....today is going to be over soon....and no mater what u did...tomorrow is going to happen....people will have moved on...there is no point...just do what u think should happen....wait...u already do that....that is why i loved u most....it is the timid that annoy me....u never get what u dont ask for....i like to pretend....u r still here...u r still looking....u r still caring....u r invisible....but i see u....i feel u....i will someday know u....

Another decision that didn't mater...

So i decided paying for a cab would be worth the extra 10 minutes of sleep....so i call one and wait...ten minutes go by and nothing...i call another...10 more minutes go by and finally i am able to flag one down....but now i am paying for a cab when i could have taken the buss and gotten there at the same time...shity....

But I did enjoy my extra 10 minutes of sleep....even though i am still late.

Burning down the candle....

Ok on the buss finally on my way home...12 hrs later....and to sleep for two maybe three hours before having to go back to work for another 12 hour shift...not good....and its not an easy shift...i have meetings all day and then a busy ass restaurant to run....and then Mondays r the only day my friends hang out so i have to try to stay up for that....wish this buss moved faster....

Are you where you r supposed to be...

I should be somewhere I am not....I might be on my way...or I might be going the wrong direction....I might just end up nowhere near where I should...how will i ever know...if i do what makes me happy I might just end up hating where I end up....or maybe I should do what i have to do but don't want to do and end up somewhere completely different and still hating where I am...FUCK...where is that super motivated smart girl who is an amazing chef and wants to open a spot with me and spend the rest of our lives together creating and loving...ahh who cares....the point is I have to go to work...late night shift...I hate my work, but I am hoping it gets me where I need to be...it is hard...it is killing me these fucked up 60 plus hour weeks.... cramming 600 covers a night into every shift...it takes a toll alright...especially since i kinda dont like the food or the atmosphere....

I should go now though, the later I get there the later I have to stay...6 months to go....i hope make it...I hope it's worth it...

Bliss....

Love is dream i have...makes me feel good to pretend...

Farts....anxiety... i am filled with both....that is sexy ain't it...i wonder exactly how repulsive i can get....u love me anyway right...despite my fuck ups...who is perfect anyway...i may have made lots of mistakes and wasted away years of my life...but who i was is not why u care about me...

Why r u here...why do u care...why does my heart belong to you...

I am broken...i am not exactly everything u thought i would be....i can drive u crazy and push u to ur limits...but still u love me...

I give as much as i demand...i depend on u more than u know cuz ur always there for me....and u need me more than u will ever admit...

Our hearts always speak to each other...our souls are bound....all that is left is for our minds to wrap around each others...to challenge each other...to learn from our differences...and for our bodys to touch, our eyes to connect as our lips meet...for our hands to explore and everything else to disappear as all that energy from our hearts or souls and our minds explode from your toes all through your body and out in screams of satisfaction...

XXOOXO

you dont get it...and probably never will...

Hello....So i have had fate taken from me tonight...there is no such thing as making your own path....destiny was made for me, fate took me to a possibility an opportunity and i tried to make it happen and I DID make it happen until cosmic whatever, God, took it away from me.....I have no doubt God is real....there is no way my life is what it is and things happen as they do without a God out there doing shit....I dont understand it...I pray almost everyday...not that it matters...I have been praying for shit to happen all my life and nothing...i have lived a very lonely and sad life...i have been miserable and in empty relationships most of my life...but it is not like I have a shity life...I am lucky for the things I do have...but i feel like a bird with clipped wings.. meant to fly but forced to walk...a fish who cant swim...a cheetah with no room to run....I was made to be in love and have found no one deserving of that love...and tonight i met two girls, both looked into my eyes and saw something....we laughed, we touched, and both stopped short...there is this moment...you are flirting with someone and you know if you go one touch more, one step closer, the end result is waking up naked next to each other in the morning...but they both saw more then a one night stand in me....the first girl i could have shrugged off...sure whatever, shit happens she and I connected but timing wasnt right....but then the second girl, the intense sexual chemistry and then the sudden stop...she knew where it was leading and I wasnt going to stop it....I could have woke up tomorrow morning with a new girlfriend...a new lost cause...a new dead end and broken heart...but God changed fate, my destiny must be somewhere else....am i supposed to be so miserable and alone and unhappy so that making the move to Paris does happen, and I dont get comfortable and distracted and stay in a wrong place longer than I should...I believe in God, and i wonder why i have to be so unhappy...and sometimes I think all i will get is 1 day of happiness before it all gets taken away from me and I die...I will be 60 or 70 or 80, lived a long fucked up life and then finally fall in real love, get married, have a child, see her face smile back at me, my wife my daughter my loves, and than die...that was it...i really dont know, i dont know what is going to happen, but i have this very strong feeling that forces beyond my control are keeping me from being happy here....so I am looking forward to it...to whatever I am supposed to do and wherever I am supposed to be....I believe that someday I will be happily in love...i just wish it ws tomorrow and not so far away...

I dont know what to do with myself...days off are always hard....the power is out in my hood....luckily it is on around the corner...i am getting naan n curry....i couldnt imagine living in a place where u dont have a variety of options...and the fresh produce and fish makes everything taste so much better here too....

I don't care....

I dont like it....being zombified....but i am there again...oblivious to you...u once had a hold of me and now that is lost....u were my image of beauty but now ur eyes r empty to me....ur smile would bring me to tears and ur touch warmed my soul, but now they are passionless....the fire has been out for months and the embers are nothing more than dust....ur sent no longer lingers in the air, instead i breath in salt and urine...
I don't like it...i don't want it....the idea that u could walk right past me and u wont care...but here i am...living without u...love.

Mmmmm boooooze zombie want boooooze....

Ahh...14hr shifts suck...especially when its really a 16hr day with travel time...leaves no time to get anything else done....so...memories r fading...all that is left is an idea...i like the idea, but i prefer the actual thing...it always just takes time...with me more time than others i think...just cuz i love so hard ...but as always, my heart will go to sleep, slowly die as i zombiefy myself...true i think about it all the time...but i dont remember the feelings anymore...and once that is gone...i forget why i cared so much....today has been a long day...and noone being here has numbed my heart and soul...they had reached out to so many and got nothing on return....and this time it feels like they died...they lost hope in finding love...tired of the game, the flirt, the bull shit....so....zombie eddie again....nothing to do but work, play music, and drink with my friends....goodbye.

time is all it needs to grow....

There is no better substitute for butter, or sugar, or love....wine and cheese are always great together...champagne and chocolate, long kisses in the middle of long random walks....music and dancing...good friends and good times....there is no better substitute than what you already know is to be the best...so do you stop looking....there are always other fun new combinations, different and enjoyable...wine and cured meats are great too, but what it all comes down to for me...is nothing is as good as it could have been with you there to share it with....with you to hear my sly sarcastic quips that make you laugh, with you to surprise me with how awesome you are, with you to take on my challenge and show who can be the goofiest...someone here I can fully trust in and be myself with....someone who will be patient with me, and take the time to let me come out of my shell and show you exactly who i really am...with you here everything is funner...I could show you my world, and the magic it is...and I can see yours and all its beauty...wherever u r now, i long for the time to get to know you...

My heart is heavy....

I try...i really fucking do...i dont want to want what i cant have...i wish i could live without love....i am trying so fucking hard to forget about it...to stay busy and focus on other things....but days off are hard...especially when u get reminders of how lost my love is....how far away love is for me...how impossible being loved is....France must be my focus...

Fuck! If i could...

I don't worry about it...just do what makes me happy...

Ugh....i need free space....i am bringing home work tonight....i swore i would never do that...the thing i hated most was when my father did nothing but talk and do work outside of it....life should be enjoyed....work should be enjoyable....but there should be a separation from the intense cerebral n controllable work world and the emotional unpredictable life away from there....one of the reasons i dont like hanging out with work friends...amazingly though the friends i made at mecca knew how to separate work and life....so yes i am bringing home work...this one time...only....at least i am getting paid....paris feels more like a reality now money wise....i just need to learn the language, find a place to stay, and find someone to take me apartment while i am away....maybe an sc intern....
Anyway tooo much real info for u today...but i cant help it....i am alone....

View from my buss

What i am....

What i see in you....
When you smile...
How can i feel you...
You could only know....
Why the world let me go...
Why we r not....
When we will be...
In this place i have no control...
Here where nothing is predictable...
In ur images i see...
What is ur beauty...
What is my love...
Your arms around me...
Your lips pressed to mine...
My fingers running through ur hair...
Every minute that passes...
That u n i are apart....
I regret...for not being able...
Not being ready....not being with you...
My heart is urs....my love unrequited....unknown...anonymous....

How are you my 1 and only...

Empty.... Road is long with no end in sight.... the path is bare...void of Vibrant loving Colors all I see is hints of green and brown in the darkness.... the air is crisp n clean but missing 1 very important thing.... you're sweet wonderful scent.... I imagine your arm wrapped around mine... your hand in mine ur fingers curling in my palm... my hand squeezes at the thin air... you are my dream and I am reaching for you....

This road is long n i hate waiting...

It is fucking hot today....and muni is not cooperating....one packed buss broken down, fallowed by another late arriving ubberpacked buss full of foreigners who dont know how to move back or step down....and then when i get a seat the old guy next to me gad such rank breath i nearly lose it....late for work...
These are the days when a little reminder of how much u love me would get me through it all feeling good....but there is no you...there is no family....there is no best friend....instead i have to pretend...believe you r reading this in your soul...that u r somewhere stuck in traffic thinking about me....

This is not a test....it is my life...honestly...for this moment....

Tonight's' movie is "The Ramon Girl" not totally horrible but moments of awesomeness...it is at the point when everything goes to shit for the girl...and who knows how the happy ending is going to come about...well there are some obvious ways but we will see...I am totally that girl though...the one to move to a foreign country just to get dumped...but there is always love around the corner...i do love Brit Murphy...I love the idea of this movie..."Food is an expression of pure Love, each dish u give to your customer contains your spirit, it becomes a part of them, a gift from the heart"....her response"I dont know anything about love, whenever i feel it all i get back is pain and sadness"
Food service is definitely my passion...I put my heart into it...I know it is a dream but I do hope when I am in france and spain i learn a lot about food....and someday my dream is to open my own place where my misunderstood expression can have a place to be released...my only hope is that it can be loved too...my fear is that noone will get it like noone gets me...
I guess that is why i want someone else by my side to help me, to help reign in my oddity....it would be cool to marry a chef...ohh  all these dreams and fantasies I have...who knows what reality will bring...

I chose this...

Or was it even a choice.

 

  I walk by this everyday to and from work....

sorry to bother you, I guess I misread your signals...

i love days off with lots of friends...Yesterday was great...but it was sooo good I ended up passing out early...and now I am awake at 5amsooo not good...I had some very strange dreams last night....being driven around by my brother in some strange city....being back home in the house i grew up in but we were all todays age...and my brother going out with a group of girls and not inviting me and I stayed home pouting....in my dream i often went to bed in a really nice soft bed, but I was always crowding in on someone, my niece or someother friends....It is what i do in real life too...sometimes my instincts take over and i just find the most comfy bed to sleep in not caring whoelse is in it, even strangers....in my dream last night the road turned into a dirt trail in the mountains it is a sign that i dont know where my life is going....also in my dreams is anxiety about meeting someone new, and finding a good bed to snuggle up into...dreams are weird and mine last night were full of strange conversations, how I came up with them is beyond me....

so anyway....could talk about the fun shit that happened last night, or all the shit that is my new job, or the fun that was le diner SF, or the drama in my friends lives, or the two earthquakes we had yesterday, or my plans and opportunities, my carear, my music projects, and the lack of love and sex in my life...or

U r always with me even though u r not....

It is sunny and warm by my house....but here by the beach it is cold and foggy...it is my friday...no real plans this weekend...maybe i will have time to do shit...i hope i have a good shift tonight...we are having a beer dinner....i am expecting it to be slow...but these r the days we get slamed out of nowhere...idk i will be ready ether way....time to work...hello ocean...

Now i need to get to bed...

Home

I think i will make last call!

If u could see me now....

Hi. How was ur day today? I hope it was good. Mine is just starting...i hope i get off early enough to see my friends tonight. Also i would like to take a ride in that party car if it got me off this buss...
I see the ocean...time to work.

You are who? What r u doing here?

Being single sucks...especially in this city of sluts....it is never hard to meet a casual relationship but finding someone to love is imposable....truthfully i have never dated someone who lived here....they either lived somewhere else than moved here or lived in Oakland...or Sweden i guess...but i guess what i have to do is refocus on living without love...and maybe this city and those facts are exactly what i need....give me the time to save money, learn french, and no excuses to stay....so, back to that idea for me....i think it was just the idea of talking to the one that got away made me long for love again...i had the time to put that away....it is hard to do because so many things remind me of her everyday... and everyone I meet is nothing like her.... and what I want is like her....and for me i never wanted the relationship to end...so it has been hard...anyway....the point is i have France in 7 months....that is my focus...

This shit sucks....

Hello. Guess what i am doing.....yup waiting for the buss....but i am not sure if it is coming. The streets are closing for the nike half marathon here tomorrow. My work is going to be insanely busy and getting to work is going to be horrible....
I dont think a buss is coming....this sucks.
So I've been off work for an hour and I am still waiting for a bus....  I waited a half hour for my usual bus then i called just to find out it's not coming  because of an accident....so i had to walk 20mins to another stop to wait 10 more minutes for a bus that takes me towards my house but not really close....
And tomorrow is gonna suck shit bad too...

No more drunk blogging...too much wahhh wahhh....anyway. puss puss bessos XXOO.

It is my night off...i am surrounded by gay boys....this is not how u find the girl of ur dreams.

Hate waiting for the bus i feel hopeless.... so tired I just want to be home in bed...this is the moment the sadness creeps in...wasting time...tomorrow the dmv is a must...and with any luck maybe a new scooter too....i am very excited about friday night....le diner should be lots of fun....i just got two bottles of champagne and a bottle of merlot...and i have desert wine at home....i have to cook tomorrow....i am probably making tamales....yay here comes the buss!

No one on it this time...usually there are about four people who sleep all night on it....my stop is the first stop so buss is just turning around when i get it....so these people just dont get off...it sometimes is the same ones....so crazy...

I am sooo tired....i cant wait to get home take a long hot shower crawl in bed and cuddle...if only someone was there waiting for me....i wonder if anyone else is getting on this buss....
Oh i just remembered my fuck up today at work...nothing that matters but i want to be perfect...work is over now so whatever....
My friend is coming into town tomorrow....wonder if she is bringing her baby....
Someone finally  got on this buss with me...a big fucking empty buss and this guy decides to sit next to me....weird....my stop os next...wonder how long i have to wait for my next buss...
It's another twenty minutes....i think i will take a cab instead...10 bucks is worth it....luckily cab pass by here all the time....
Almost home! Glad u could be here with me....i think i will stop off at walgreens...i am starving...i hate that though....nuts and crackers for dinner again...it is soo much nicer here...it is warmer and no fog....the sunset sucks....

Home!

More waiting....

Goodnight darling....

I am sad....my day at work kinda sucked...i had hoped to get out in time to see my friends...i miss them....instead it is a 14hr shift....but that isn't the worst of it....

i am also very tired...i really need someone to share with....to share life and all that that is....the good n the bad...

So much to say...and this blogg is no place for those words....

Talking to myself again...

These long buss rides give me too much time to think...to wonder how she is doing....to miss her...why do i still miss her...i barely know her and yet this....i feel bad for how i was...so afraid....so horrible to her....i dont understand though...
Her cryptic messages.... she leaves me hanging in text so rudely..... I don't know if she wants to be my friend or if I annoy her.... I should stop trying.... at this point I'm just very annoyed and angry.... just wish I knew the truth from her.... how does she feel about me.... even if its confusin even if it changes everyday, just...something....
Don't know where my world is going... don't know what the future holds... I know everything can change in an instant.... like when my eyes looked into yours.... when our hearts met and our souls connected.... I can never go back... I will never forget our long walks... how u felt in my arms as we hugged at the airport...how i felt every morning as we had breakfast together... how loved and cared for you made me feel everyday... no, I know exactly why I miss you...

This is going to be fun

IMPORTANT INFORMATION for Confirmed Guests! –

Do u have something for me to read...that would be nice...

This is my honesty....wher is urs...

Fuck Fuckidy Fuck FUCK….this hurts…my pride is bruised…my heart is sad, my soul rejected, and my mind knows better…you see I am an adult…you show a kid a bag of candy and toys they will cry and whine until they get what they want…but as you grow up and mature you learn that life is not perfect…you can want something more than anyone else, you can deserve something more than anyone else you can earn something more than anyone else, but that doesn’t mean you will get it…and as a mature adult you don’t waste time moping or pouting or complaining about the things you cant have…that is just wasted energy….you learn to move on and accept…you learn to focus on the better things in life and drive yourself to improve yourself and the things you can control…

All my life the only thing I ever wanted most was to be loved, accepted for who I am, to be trusted, for someone to have faith in me, to want to be with me, to want to take the time to talk with me and listen to me, someone to ask me about the things I care about…growing up neglected has left me damaged and hard to love, because I don’t think anyone is sincere in their feelings for me…and at this point in my life I have no reason to change that belief…

It is time to stop being stupid, to stop thinking Anna cares about me at all….to stop thinking we could be friends….i care about her…I fell in love for a reason….and for those reasons I wanted to keep in touch with her, because she interests me….i am fond of her…and that wont change….but as an adult…even though I want something, anything…I cant make that happen, there is nothing I can do, I don’t know what I could try or say or do…I guess she was just being polite…that only hurts more…like being lied to….

Back to forgetting about her…to focusing on the better things in life….to not writing here anymore…because it is here that I get taking advantage of….goodbye again.

I pink you...

You dont know what i know....

My phone is dieing so i will make this quick....it is my friday....and all i want to do is release the stress of the week all over the place....i am getting better at my job....it is easy....i hope my bosses are pleased...i think they are....i will only be there a short while but i know if i stuck around that AGM job would be mine....but i want to first move, than open my own place...i can feel things coming together....it is crazy how comfortable i am now with this shit....it was a lot more stressful a few years ago but now with experience and knowledge, work doesnt phase me...the stress comes from being over worked....but that is ok....there are three things in my life that matter...work is the third and i got it down...i know my career....from here i open my own place...than another or so forth and then retire at my lounge B&B on the beach.....the 2nd, friendship and social life is ok....i dont trust many people to been  sincere....but i am better at making friends....the last and most important is love n family...and that is at an end....i havnt given up, and i keep changing my mind...the one that got away haunts me....i want to be her friend but i dont know if she wants to...part of me still loves her...but she apparently has no time to be pen palls let alone anything else...so there must be another....i dont know what to do...

What do you want from me now?

Hello. This has been a long day. A good day. I have so much little detail shit to talk about....to someone who cares to listen...sorry blogg but i need more....a need a warm body to snuggle with...soft feet to play with...gorgeous womanly curves for my hand to explore...and beautiful eyes to stare into as i talk about all the things new in my life....
There is this girl who...well i cant tell....i hate not knowing if a girl is into you or just being friendly....i hate it when girls are not forward with what they want....she probably isn't interested....i reached out there...made myself available...offered to get together a time to talk and nothing...but when we are together she does all the things that make me think she is interested....so idk....truth us i want someone else anyway....she doesnt want me though....that sucks....but i am trying my best to ignore love....i need a FWB to keep me occupied until love finds me again.
Anyway.....is this enough for you?

Another late night at amber

Waiting for the buss

Ohhhh.....in that case...ok

I will if u do....

Hello....i am on my way to work....it has been a super hot weekend here....great free music fest in the park next to my work is making it difficult to get to work....and today the castro street fair is going on so i had to walk an extra mile and take three busses....i am late still but ohwell....my work is also very busy....but nothing i cant handle....i have lots to do today....i like to work...i like the business i am in....despite it totally not being my style....but i think overall i have a warmth in my soul....totally not related but affects everything...i dont care about the imperfections....because i know what is important....it's the years together and this is just the road getting us there....I move in 7 months....that time will fly by....especially how busy i am.

my heart, soul, and mind...are yours my love...

Movie for tonight "My last five girlfriends" seems too damn familure so far....do we all go through the same shit...you should watch it...it wouldnt make any sense to you...just like me...I hope you are having fun tonight...or today...or whenever you read this...i may be nothing like him and yet exactly the same...at least i have done those things for sure...i am glad my "my last five girl friends" are over...i have one girl friend left in me...maybe two....that is it....i know exactly what i want...and after my last colossal fail, i feel like i am finally ready to get it right...and the next girl i date will definitely lead me there...truth is i am really fucking horny and lonely, and so i might date one more person just for now....but I want my next girlfriend to be my last...

I love big brown eyes...

Maybe we r special...

So....it is very nice to have days off...i dont know what to do though....i am trying to relax....but it would be beneficial to study the menus more...but no work talk now...the lady behind me has a very annoying voice....yapping away on her phone...anyway...
It is a real thing...sometimes u dont know what u had until it's gone....to be honest....i am glad i am not in Sweden right now...long distance relationships truly suck...and i hope she finds someone to love her...but truth is every woman i have met since just cant compare...i need to move....maybe it is a cultural thing....if i get to europe than maybe i would find someone i am interested in....this is my 9th year here and in that time i have met no one living in this city that i could love....i think after a good 3 months there i will have a better idea as to how to answer that question....or is Anna one of a kind...if that is the case...well then i know we will meet again.

Tell me something....

Hello blogger...another work week done....dont know if anything i did matter...being here has confirmed my belief in smaller restaurants....i will only work here for a few months....i dont like how impersonal it is...sure i talk to every table but i dont get to know anyone....and the staff is so young and suburban....most of them live way out here...this is definitely not the city...the people here are way to laid back and chilled....which also moves me want to move more...anyway....i just caught my buss finally....it's my friday and i am looking forward to seeing friends tonight....but i am sooo tired....i would love to come home to u and sit with a bottle of wine and just talk all night....i need that...i need someone to trust....someone who doesnt judge me....someone who accepts my weirdness...my phone is dieing.....so i will end this now......

Hello from the buss...

Hello...are you doing well? I hope so. What is new with you? I am taking hour long buss rides to work. Gives me time to check my mail....the news and such....it is hot today....my work will be busy....it is my friday finally...i am looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow...although i have a shit load of shit to do....i am late for work due to the stupid busses...i really need to get a scooter....i can see the ocean....i know a wastes blog...but j just wanted to hear your voice and see you smile...

It will get better...cuz u r better....

Hello, so this job is taking lots of my time...which is good cuz it's les time to wallow in misery....but it's also less time to work towards happiness...i have struggled my whole life with misery....but i know with every mistake, every left step going left instead of right...i learn what makes me happy...until i met you i didnt know....but losing you doesnt move me further into misery because having known you fills me with hope...i will be better...i will do better...and whoever you are will be different...
There is so much more to it than that...love is only one aspect of life...you in this post can be my career, it could be my city, it could be the musicians i play with...and with each of those things i am ever learning and growing and changing what i want and dont....i dont think that ever stops...i will always work to get things better...alternatively maybe as i age i will learn to adapt more and accept where i am and enjoy what i have...what i cant do is go back...i cant unlearn the music we created...i cant forget what having u there when i need u is like....i want to wake up and look forward to seeing you and spending my whole day with you...
And in so....i search for those things i am missing in my life...not with misery...but with hope....

I have to wear ties now...

Hello blogg u r such a good listener...

So my new job is going well....Thursday i spent most of the day at the brewery...it was killer...brewing beer was never on my life list of things to do, but now that i've done it i am glad it happened...now i can say ive shoveled mash and added hops to a beer and helped choose a blend of malts to use....and in three or so weeks i get to drink my beer....overall it was a fun day and the brewer is a nice guy so it was fun....
In the end though it only drives me harder to wanting to be in france and visit a winery and spend a day crushing grapes....
I need to get a couple books to start heading towards my som certification...one is "the wine bible"....incidentally, if my left went left instead of right, that book would probably be part of the gifts i would bring to Sweden....now i know what u r thinking...ive done so well and havent mentioned an ex in sooo long...but the truth is i will always care about them...and i will always be nice to them...and so when it is their birthdays and i still want to get them something if i can....just friendship....i dont do unrequited love....anymore.
Anyway...got to eat now...my buss comes soon and i cant miss it.

did i mention I work at a brewery now...

(...just the best beer pic i liked)

see my friends baby is soo cute...

Hope my 2nd day of work goes better than this

Watch "Carrie 1976 Pig's Blood Scene" on YouTube
I need to sleep...gota wake up in 4hours.

Do you know me...

I know...i can't stop....it's just that there is this baby here and my friend posted the cutest picture of her daughter the other day...and i am reminded of the night she came into my work...in the past i was always nervous holding babies and shrugged them away when people tried to hand them to me....but her baby was so cute and nice...and when i held her i felt right...women always talk about their clock...they may have a physical thing but studies show that men change after 30ish...i so believe that...i am not saying i want babies now...but i am looking forward to being an awesome daddy someday.

hey again...

The grass is always greener....

Well another paragraph finished...but truth is i have a feeling i am not quite done yet with bossa...in fact in writing this i just remembered a couple things i promised i would do that i didnt...so for my word i have to go back...probably tomorrow...still though it is nice that is done...
So i dont have a girlfriend to talk to....i dont have family to talk to...and i dont really have friends that i talk to...sooo instead i write here among other places...to my imaginary girlfriend...but i think i am going to write less if not stop all together...just cuz...no one reads it anyway...and i am bored with the 1 sidedness of it all....

here you go...now it's your turn...

ahh...sleep felt good...now off to my last shift at Bossa...a dreaded shift in so many ways...i have much office work to finish, i am working alone because sera broke her leg and cant work and john hasnt hired anyone new yet...not even to cover me when i am gone....i have no idea what is going to happen at that place...and it is not my problem...except for tonight since i also have to work with the shit busser who bitches all night about his sore pussy...so annoying....I hope it is slow...it should be....it is a hot sunny day today...i would love to go out to the park today...anyway i have 2 new menus to memerize and a huge staff to figure out...the new job is immense...it is basically managing two restaurants at the same time...luckily there is a lot of support to help me out...and everything is streamlined and all thought out ahead of time for me. should be easy. also, for your turn...it would be cool if it was personal. whoever you are.

Love is for losers....

Ok...my first official duty at my new job is a 6am manager meeting tomorrow....yah in 5 and a half hours....and i am at a bar...what the fuck am i supposed to do....i couldnt sleep now anyway...it takes an hour to get there so i have to be up and alive by 430am four hours from now...do i sleep? This is going to be hard...also my heart would always treat u right...its my mind that picks the fights...never done that before...not like that...scared the shit out of me....

and yet here you are again...

so...i hope all things are well with you...my life is having a moment this morning....everything can change today...or...i hate that word now...it rings in my head like an echo of pain....everything today can be needles to my heart...I hope it goes well today...i realize you cant be mine right now...you are nowhere...maybe you are coming into my work today...i dont know...i hope you do...i have a plan but it needs a director...i try too hard...i know...i want too much...i have always searched for true love...i have always thought you would find me...of coarse now i am trying to learn to live without you...without the idea that you exist...because i cant have you...and today has the penitential to be nothing but little reminders of that fact...conversely today can be everything...this could be the week of my life...and today could be the beginning of it all...but truth is today is more like any other day in my life...i dont know what you want from me here...what you are looking for...what you expect to find...truth is i am always me, i am giving, caring, empathetic, kind, supportive, understanding, persistent, patient, wise, passionate, intuitive, artistic, leader, honest, open, and my eyes touch you as deep as my hands, as well as damaged, unlovable, unmotivated, and all those other things you dont understand...always.

good morning sunshine..

so two nights ago i was awoken by a dream....it was a vivd crazy dream i remember nothing about and it was only after sleeping about 2 hours...i could not get back to sleep and so all day yesterday i was not very coherent...anyway last night a vivid dream woke me up again...i only remember bits and pieces of it, it was very strange...but this time i was able to fall back asleep and get the rest i really needed...
anyway...i have four more shifts at my current job...this is my last weekend...I am a bit nervous about it...i guess that's why my dreams have been freaking me out...i like nervous though...change is scary, the risk and chance i am taking is big...many people i tell are happy for me, but in this economy no one is leaving their jobs because if the new one sucks you could be screwed for a long time...but this is all fun for me....i am sure of my self and i know i am great at my job....besides it's only temporary until i do something really crazy and big in my life...

I fell...i got up...i am walking again

Look down....that is u again, now...i dont know who took that pic of you...but it looks like if u wait, i will catch up to u n drive....my view of u isn't so clear...my honesty, courtesy, and genuine kindness gets me in to things that seem ok
..but they cant fake....well...u set a high standard of ease and desire that casual hellos cant compete with ur words to me...i dont know why u look back at me...i am happy u did...

this is you...right now.

Hey there lover...

So...i got my new phone finally...i have to get used to typing on a touch screen....hopefully it wont hinder my logorrhea of the thumbs...it is much faster though so i am able to satisfy my unfocused brain as it wonders in random thoughts....anyway, the last few times i went out i conversed with some very attractive women...each oh so different from the other...i enjoy meeting people and it always feels good when someone hits on you...but it is so hard to find true chemistry...despite the initial attraction nothing is going to come of it....but it is nice to be out there flirting...i have high standards though...so sorry 23yr old girl you are too young, midwest girl u r too midwest...spanish girl, well...u i wouldnt mind talking to again, but we will probably just be friends...anyway it will soon be tonight again...who knows who i will meet...probably not you though...who are you and why did you read this?

champagne, oysters, cheese, n olives....yummy happy hour...

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i love mondays....

So....how are you? Did u have a good weekend...is Monday treating u ok? it is an awesome day of relaxation and chores for me....I tend to do more relaxing than chores...usually very hung over on mondays, but recently I have curbed my nightly drinking....when I turned 30 I picked up a heavy smoking habit...before then it was a social habit...but at the time I decided life sucked and with each cigarette it gets shorter, so I smoked a lot....and for 4 years my stress levels didn't cease, with the constant heartbreak and job pressures, I smoked a pack a day...but then I started to notice teeth...I got mine cleaned and fixed then I noticed how brown and disgusting some of my smoker friends teeth were...especially johns, and I also noticed how pathetic his life was...and I thought to myself, fuck I am too young to give up on life...I need to quit and go to the gym and take care of myself...so I did...but the stress was still there and instead of smoking I began to drink more...it has been a struggle to curb my drinking...but lately I have done well and the new things I do help...basically I drink a lot of soda water while out and don't encourage as many rounds of shots for everyone...it's been working...I will always have things to stress about though...I need to find a good relief for that...wanna come over see if we can think of something together...

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