dancing with myself.... but i want to dance with somebody....

i wasn't going to write today.... but the day brought me here anyway.... sometimes finding a place to eat can be very stressful....i had wanted to try out a spot but it was packed when i got there...starving and frustrated because things like this have been happening a lot lately i began to panic, yesterday i went most of the day without eating....i just hadn't found a place i wanted to eat at, so i kept moving.....eating alone sucks already, but it is so much worse when the house is packed and the server is swamped with higher ticket tables he spends way more time at then getting you anything.....i get it, it doesn't make me angry, but frustrated i can't get a good meal....if i had a partner on this adventure i would have no problem walking into many of these places....at least then i could talk with someone while waiting..... instead of sitting alone feeling like an unwelcomed fool....
anyway....so today i was trying not to fall into that same trap....of wandering around aimlessly starving and sad....and being that it is Sunday the grocery stores are closed...so stupid....so i walked...everyplace was too packed or too expensive or not what i wanted or too empty, my mind was killing me...that chatter in my head building the frustration...
that voice....sometimes it gets me where i need to be....sometimes it fills me with anxiety.... all the random ideas the ongoing arguments...traveling alone you get real acquainted with it....with yourself...
i recently have been trying to convince myself a life alone is my only choice so i could defeat that voice in my head that keeps telling me i should find someone to love...i feel frustrated,  relationships have not been kind to me....but i have to love....i argue that if i never knew what love was i would never miss it....the loneliness is sometimes very overwhelming...i can't function normally....the desire to love and have a family overwhelms me and the failure and inability to figure out how to make that happen is so stressful i have constant anxiety....seeing all these families here traveling together making memories....seeing all the young couples in love in Paris....i fucking feel so sad i don't have that, that i am not even close to having that...and then i think about how odd i am and chances and probabilities....of how not funny i am, how unmanly i am, how tiny i am...finding someone who wants a guy like me and is a girl that i want....impossible....and i go out and find no one...meet no one...i stumble home crying in the streets...trying to get home as fast as i can to curl up and pass out...........this is the voice i am trying to stop...to settle with being alone instead of crying over it....be happy and accept who i am....alone....
but i think both voices are wrong....i want to be in love...i want a family....there is nothing wrong with that.....i can't be sad about being alone.....i have learned and know i am an addict and will do anything and i mean ANYTHING for love, another reason i was staying away from love....i have sobered up though....i think my heart can see clearly now....i feel good about myself....i know the right girl will be very happy in love with me.....
so i think i am ready now...i feel better this way....so what does this really mean.......i am not out actively trying to make love happen,  smiling at every attractive girl that goes by...i think it is just trying not to get anxious....to be ok with failures of the day....to never let envy get the best of me. ..to be OK with being alone today, but to be able to want love without hurting for it...like saying you hope it will snow this year in SF,  knowing it probably won't happen....but it could....and if it doesn't maybe it will next year.....there is nothing you can do about it but live your life and hope....