These lips, this gaze, my kindness....they are not for rent...

I just had the worst nightmare....it just reminded me of how 90% of my relationships went and more so how most of my life felt...used and taken advantage of my niceness, lied to and mislead....I had nightmares last night too.....
maybe it is the isolation....beings me back to my childhood....no one to talk to....
there was ab time when I believed the three most important  things i'm my life I could not live without were love, socializing, creating, and accomplishing goals....and right now  all I am doing is taking down little goals, like today I will see three museums and do four hours of French lessons, tiny goals...
My heart is dead so I don't need love....and my soul has been uninspired for a long time so creating isn't happening, I don't knew what part of me needs the socializing, but it is starving...it was so well fed in SF...now nothing....
I feel awful from my nightmare, reminded of how awful the women of my past have been....and how much I am afraid to love again....
I must get going....concentrate on tasks and not think about anything else.