the end to a loveless story....

can't believe i am leaving Paris.... as much as i don't like this city....i can't imagine a city as beautiful...but then again the beauty  of it is only surface deep... and a place is only as good as its people....so on the road i go....i hope to find a city a like....i hope to be surprised....
but i still have about 24 hours left here... time for a good meal....and to say goodbye to my friends, bar tenders and bar flies of'course....none Parisians....
i think though if i had enough time and spoke the language i could find the good Parisians of the city....my server right now seems very nice....but then again she just said she spent time in SF and prefers it there....could just be polite talk though....
i wonder if any of the people I've invited to SF will take me up on it...funny if i have a parade of Europeans crashing on my couch in the future....
i truly am happy to be here....to know this city at least a little....but in the end Paris n i should just be friends....
these next three weeks i hope will be amazing....

dancing with myself.... but i want to dance with somebody....

i wasn't going to write today.... but the day brought me here anyway.... sometimes finding a place to eat can be very stressful....i had wanted to try out a spot but it was packed when i got there...starving and frustrated because things like this have been happening a lot lately i began to panic, yesterday i went most of the day without eating....i just hadn't found a place i wanted to eat at, so i kept moving.....eating alone sucks already, but it is so much worse when the house is packed and the server is swamped with higher ticket tables he spends way more time at then getting you anything.....i get it, it doesn't make me angry, but frustrated i can't get a good meal....if i had a partner on this adventure i would have no problem walking into many of these places....at least then i could talk with someone while waiting..... instead of sitting alone feeling like an unwelcomed fool....
anyway....so today i was trying not to fall into that same trap....of wandering around aimlessly starving and sad....and being that it is Sunday the grocery stores are closed...so stupid....so i walked...everyplace was too packed or too expensive or not what i wanted or too empty, my mind was killing me...that chatter in my head building the frustration...
that voice....sometimes it gets me where i need to be....sometimes it fills me with anxiety.... all the random ideas the ongoing arguments...traveling alone you get real acquainted with it....with yourself...
i recently have been trying to convince myself a life alone is my only choice so i could defeat that voice in my head that keeps telling me i should find someone to love...i feel frustrated,  relationships have not been kind to me....but i have to love....i argue that if i never knew what love was i would never miss it....the loneliness is sometimes very overwhelming...i can't function normally....the desire to love and have a family overwhelms me and the failure and inability to figure out how to make that happen is so stressful i have constant anxiety....seeing all these families here traveling together making memories....seeing all the young couples in love in Paris....i fucking feel so sad i don't have that, that i am not even close to having that...and then i think about how odd i am and chances and probabilities....of how not funny i am, how unmanly i am, how tiny i am...finding someone who wants a guy like me and is a girl that i want....impossible....and i go out and find no one...meet no one...i stumble home crying in the streets...trying to get home as fast as i can to curl up and pass out...........this is the voice i am trying to stop...to settle with being alone instead of crying over it....be happy and accept who i am....alone....
but i think both voices are wrong....i want to be in love...i want a family....there is nothing wrong with that.....i can't be sad about being alone.....i have learned and know i am an addict and will do anything and i mean ANYTHING for love, another reason i was staying away from love....i have sobered up though....i think my heart can see clearly now....i feel good about myself....i know the right girl will be very happy in love with me.....
so i think i am ready now...i feel better this way....so what does this really mean.......i am not out actively trying to make love happen,  smiling at every attractive girl that goes by...i think it is just trying not to get anxious....to be ok with failures of the day....to never let envy get the best of me. ..to be OK with being alone today, but to be able to want love without hurting for it...like saying you hope it will snow this year in SF,  knowing it probably won't happen....but it could....and if it doesn't maybe it will next year.....there is nothing you can do about it but live your life and hope....

lots of minutes left in today.....

Wow...lucky you....another day another post...a reflection of the fact that I am not doing much these days...after being on the road the last three weeks I have gotten into a groove here.....today I get the grand chore of cleaning and packing....

Or ...I wander around Paris again....I am out in the 5th...was on a search for oysters but the place was closed...so I decided a glass of wine was in order....sometimes I think the reason everyone sits outside is so they don't suffer how fucking rank they smell....all the smoking dulls the senses too, and all the coffees can't help either, making them swet more and sense less...
And so I go....now at a cake n tea shop....I had a craving for good cake.....cool little shop, not very Parisian at all...they do wedding cakes too so there are lots of wedding mags and the like....very much a chick place....but then I wonder...how weird would it be if I started to plan my wedding....it is the brides day for sure...but what if....I do have ideas but truthfully, she will be in charge....if that day ever happens....
I miss love........got to go!
Hi....you know how they say young men think about sex every 40 seconds or so....I think once we turn 30ish instead of sex we think of monogamous sex....every fucking minute.....do women think about chocolate and shopping as much as we think of sex....stupid biology.....Paris is perfect for women, expensive chocolate and shopping everywhere.....
Every fucking minute....

Just another ramble......none of you will get.. ..

I don't often get surprised by how someone acts....I generally am good at judging character, good at guessing how a person will respond, I think that its why I love people I don't understand...they are so interesting, I always want to find out what made them so different....
I usually don't get surprised by most people though....sometimes my lack of faith in the human spirit gets the better of me and I expect a cold shoulder or an empty gesture and get surprised by a wide open welcome.....I like that kind of surprise....I would have more faith in people if I found more that are kind....my friends are kind....they often surprise me....my many birthday wishes and notes since I've been away have warmed my heart....those are good people.....
I am thinking when I get back to the states I am going to visit many of them....couch surf tour around the states....well the coasts, i dont know anyone who would live in middle America...
Anyway, I might be a very cynical person,but I always have hope.....I probably seem more negative on this blog than I feel I really am...sometimes I read back and wonder if I was too harsh....but I try not to go back an edit too much...more times then not I am too loving I think....
I rarely hate anyone.....I try to be genuine and kind, I am a forgiving person and patient....these things I think are very true.. .but there are plenty of people I would rather not be around....and for the most part they don't want me around, so it works out.....
I wonder which comes first, me not wanting them around our they not wanting me around....maybe it is cuz they act coldly I chose to not like them... there have been times though I have been mean to someone I shouldn't have...
And in all this.....I wonder.... are you nice....did I misjudge you or misunderstand you....I definitely am confused...
I have hope.....I hope for an open mind and a kind heart....I hope for bravery to overcome fear....for individualism to win out over conformity....for honest  communication....today.
But I guess there is time.....a couple more days I suppose....

So much to do today....I wonder which direction i will

The corner of Rue Rambueteau and Rue Archives has become one of my favorite spots...for daytime anyway....Comptoir has breakfast all day and Le chinon across the street has a great wine selection for  cheap....& at Comptoir I can get a glass of mumm for 8e....not bad I think.....and from here I can walk down past the pompidou stroll through the squares and tourist watch, then across sebastibule take a peek at les Halles under construction right now but there still is a nice big square and fountain...then back down one of the saints and all its cheap shops selling tuns of tourist crap...maybe stop for a demi, there are a lot of touristy bars there, but the eagle was a good spot until it closed.... now is a good time to pick up a Velib... Paris is such a great city to ride a bike in, so flat and no crazy rules like in SF....orderly chaos on the sidewalks...also tons of people on crutches....
So next, maybe to the hotel de ville...during the summer there are all sorts of things going on there....soon they will have a big screen showing the Olympics...it is a good square to stop and sip a beer for a moment... then to the river sain, they recently shipped in tons of sand and made beaches on the streets at the banks of the river...it is OK to sit for a moment but more of a great place to park your kids if you had some.....
I choose to keep going....but in what direction, across to the Notre Dam on my way to the left bank, possibly Luxemburg jardin...or north towards the Louvre and tuillieres....I do feel more comfortable in the Latin quarter,  but the people watching is not as fun...I tend to go to tulieries...it is so beautiful...
Maybe pick up a pastrie on the way...or a torte if i am really hungry....by then it will be in the evening, still hours until the sun sets,  hours until a proper dinner can be had....hours to spend in the sun people watching and reading my book.....

Crazy....it is perspective....

Oh Paris.....it is another wonderful sunny day here.....for being as big as it is and with so much traffic the smog is not that bad....the river valley breeze keeps the air somewhat fresh...there is always a faint haze in the horizon, but I definitely have seen worse....
Today I got up late as usual, funny that noon is late for me now.....used to be a perfect hour for me to wake....at this time Paris is getting ready for it's lunch hour...I would love to go down to my corner spot and order a espresso, croissant, and an OJ,  the standard French breakfast... sitting outside enjoying the view and planning my day....but custom does not allow that here....it is lunch time and only lunch is served...I could get the coffee and probably the OJ if I stand at the bar, the tables are reserved for lunches....understandably so, they need to make their money....I think my sever would have an aneurysm while rolling his eyes if I tried to order the croissant...
Customs, rules,  maintaining a status quo...things I never have been able to agree with...not that I want to force my way on anyone else,  but it is the closed mindedness of others that bothers me..... I do believe you should learn and fallow local customs, up until they are ridiculous and outdated....
So I may be different,  that is no reason to be rude or refuse me service.....but that is what you get in Paris....fallow the rules or go somewhere else....
After some time here I have found the places I am welcomed at, friendly faces and kind service.... I can get what I want at the time I want it,  without the gasp and roll of the eyes....and I can sit and enjoy my cafe and people watch...such a good day for it today.....this is one French custom I really enjoy....

The sun sets too....

So....suddenly I care about my writing and what I post here....at least I did....I was so inspired by some stories I recently read and by my own voice, having something to write.....I took time in my writing, I thought it out and edited things....only one thing eventually got posted here but I have many pages waiting to go somewhere....but here on this blog....this is where I write with emotion, where I release my feelings and move on..... where I cry n complain n ramble drunkingly about whatever I feel like at the moment....
So, this being my birthday post, I should be posting a drunk'n ramble...but I am not drunk......yet...I am drinking a bottle of champagne in the park as I write this, so....
I am in such a different place then I was a year ago....I have always had a crush on someone in my life....some unrequited love, or at times reciprocal love...but there was always someone I longed for....
For the first time in my life I am completely love free, it is very sobering....

This first phase of my trip is coming to an end, ten weeks in Paris.....about 8 too many...I don't hate Paris but I for sure don't love it....my time was not wasted here though....I may have a new lowered opinion of the French, but I also met some very nice French people too, the rarity of that makes it even that much more special.....
The food here has been great...all over the country...my meal in Saumur was outstanding...speaking of food...I really can't wait to get to Sweden, I have been craving pickled herring for months.... those dinners at bo bannas parents house were so good....all my favorite types of dishes, and such nice people, I had a great time...what a whirlwind those few days were....up and down and crazy...that is what that relationship was, crazy....I still don't know what she was thinking, why she was so easily in love, obviously it wasn't real, she loved some idea of who I was instead of who I really was, I think ...for my part, I had sabotaged it from the beginning, underneath I couldn't be OK with how young she was, and emotionally I was in no condition to love again so soon after finally ending it with Bea... so depressed at that time....
Thank god I am better now, thank god she ended it, imagine if I moved to Sweden, what a mistake that would have been....
I am so grateful I met her though....it is because of her I am here.... she was my botom....I still love her, she is an amazing person and will do amazing things with her life, I had hoped we could be friends but at last I don't think it will happen, she means a lot to me, she is a very important person in my past, I had hoped to keep in touch, meet her many future boyfriends...discuss love, politics, and business...to share our worries and successes...to give and love as friends...ahh but my affection for her will probably have to die....my love is for those who are kind, welcoming, and sharing.....

Speaking of....I miss my friends....I love them so.........especially the French ones....this bottle is empty...time to find some fun.....

Thanks...for not being nice.....

This bruised rib thing had fucked me up more than I thought it would.....I can't sleep well , I can't breath, I can't stand up straight, and my back is killing me....it has left me uneasy all the time....I don't want to go anywhere nor do anything because of the pain....fuck! But I would do it again for sure.
Anyway, I was such a fool to think marriage is a given in life, that you could one day just decide it's time, go out and find somebody and get married, I had no idea how hard it would actually be, growing up I thought it was something that happens to everyone, someday inevitably you meet a girl, fall in love, and get married, stupid twenty something me just throwing away relationships, not trying to find love, what a fool I was...as I look around and see all the old unmarried men on the train with me...marriage is not in our future.....how cloud this be....how did I get here?
Just another example of how the older one gets the more they realise how stupid they once were....I was very stupid and very foolish...now I live with my choices ...But then I think about my niece who just eloped...barely twenty years old...to a guy I know she can do better than...taking her into a life in a small town with small opportunities....a life I could have chosen, I could have married that one girl years ago, settled....I would have my girls...but would I be happy...
Maybe...maybe I would be here with my girls instead of alone....maybe I would be divorced and more miserable....

Thinking about what maybe could have happened is boring....what did happen....I wasted nine years drinking in a boring bar in a boring town with boring people...then spent nine more years in never never land....
Now what.....keep trying? Do I keep trying? Does trying even matter.... what I want makes no difference...so I guess I wait n see...but that is  what I have been doing...I keep waiting for the right time...to fallow someone's  lead....then try....
Maybe I shouldn't wait n see...I am running out of time....
Am I waiting too long to choose...I am so picky and unsure, I so don't want to make the wrong choice, so I make no choice....and drift with what is easy....
Maybe it is time I become slightly more aggressive, I don't want to change who I am, nor do I think I could change so drastically, I am not an aggressive person by nature, I couldn't always be that person...I am patient and calm...that is who I am....but...maybe I am too patient,too calm, and too picky...
Or....I am afraid, unsure of myself...of making the wrong choice and being laughed at....
I think that is the biggest mistake of my life...I have fought for myself all my life, defended who I am and my choices , at opposition with my family....ridiculed by peers....at odds with society and status quoe, so as I became a man, I hesitated,  I let fear of unacceptence get me,  of thinking that I would be alone in defending my every choice,  fear of being wrong and laughed at again....
Unless I was drunk....then the fear would go away....and you would find me dancing on tables and making out with the girl society didn't see as beautiful as I do.... and my ideas seem so right and perfect.....
My biggest mistake of my life....wasting 18yrs in fear...waiting 18yrs for someone to be on my side....to fall in love, to be married...waiting to live my life.....

I am alone, and in such life will be more difficult.....but that is my only choice.....I have no one to support me,  no one to help me...my ideas seem crazy...but look at me...look where I am now....I got tired of waiting for someone to travel with....so here I am...drinking wine alone at a bar in the middle of France....no one I know would be here...would have gone to pamplona on a whim and slept in a park and ran with the bulls.....things I love...I am so glad my choices got me where I am today...I need to be more crazy and not care what anyone thinks, I will defend myself alone,  I will be laughed at,  I will be misunderstood,  but I will live.....it's not perfect,  not how I dreamt it, but at least I am no longer wasting my time waiting.....waiting for someone crazy like me....who has the guts to live crazy...

run...no sprint....hard...with every muscle.....death is chasing you....

UGH...Sorry about the stupid love relapse...I am a bit sleep deprived now....today is going to be a good day...some friends will be in town for a few hours on a cruise, yah I know a cruise to Paris...I guess they get to Normandy or something then jump on a train to get here....anyway...i began writing again yesterday...i think I have finally fine tuned my voice...and I think i finally have something to write...i have to figure out the exact story and who is going to be in it and what happens...i got tones of inspiration from Hemingway...he writes so easily and is so fun to read...i have a beginning anyway...writing what I know...i just need to find out where it goes...i like to write...like all things in my life it is a fun thing i like to do, but am not very good at, but for now it is enjoyable...until i hit a that rough difficult patch, where i get all in my head and dream of a world i had someone to bounce ideas off of and talk with, then i fail again, i get frustrated i am not great and I dont finish...just like my hundreds of songs I am working on, and my business plan, and my life....

anyway...I Love you...thank you for reading...whoever you are...

Only you can change my life...

Dear world I realize my dreams will never Come true I am too old, too shy, too fucked up, too unhappy, unapproachable, I will never find her, I will never meet my daughters, fuck that hurts to say...to spend half your life depressed the other half living for something that will never happen...to give up on my girls...what I thought why I was alive...I have no idea why I am here...but I know it is not to be happy, to be in love, to have my family...Penelope n AnnaLucia....my girls I will never get to hug, to teach, to be there for....love is not in my future....all I Ever wanted was love..........this is my relapse...........OK fuck it.....no love in my life but I don't care I don't need it...I got....I have.....well nothing is found.....I can never have anything I want but all the things u want....they come easy....such is life...I hate it but thank good every day for it....the point of this statement is to gain strength from not wanting things I cant have...to never hurt for things I dont have...to not care for the things I have no control over...I get the situation I am in and I understand that my life is out of my control when it comes to love...and so instead of living to find love, living to be something i may never be...I am deciding that my only priority in life is myself and a life lived alone...that is where I am most likely going to be....Not that I have given up, just that I no longer want for things I cant control...and for things that are very unlikely to happen anymore....my dreams will never come true...but I still have a life to live...so instead of being sad that those dreams are just that, i have to be something, I am not happy...but I am not sad....I am not content either...I dont know what I am....I guess I do...I am a zombie...again....

Work n sleep can wait...i have a life to live

Sometimes I can't believe how old I really am...about to turn 36....I met a couple 29 n 30, on their honeymoon....and our lives could not be any different...they were planning a family and settled down in careers... a few days earlier I met a couple my age and they were talking about their kids...I thought they were at least 5 years older than I am, I live life more like I am 26...I know that...in SF everyone is living like I do...yet I forget sometimes...we are not normal...
I am enjoying my life...I am happy I am no longer waiting for love n a partner to live it...I wasted too much time on bad relationships...I am sad I can't share these experiences with someone...but, it is better to live without love than to love without living....

So I made a rash decision to drink tonight...I have been getting very sad and lonely when I drink...I have a big bottle of sangria to finish...send me a hug please.

Just a thought....

If I die in want to be buried in a tight skinny fitted charcoal suit with very slight pink striping, with a pink patterned bow tie pink sparkled nails and Black boots, my Gorden hat...in a pink sparkled coffin with black n red interior...I want to be buried in a field in middle of nowhere Spain....I want my epitaph to read lived alone, died alone, buried alone...

gone today, here tomorrow, no idea what will happen next...

female friends are such pains in the ass.... I've never seen sleepless in Seattle but I here how it has this premise about straight men and women as friends, that eventually one will want to sleep with the other or both will, and it wont happen or it will and eventually just end up resenting the other for it happening or not....whatever, basically men and women cant be friends, sex always happens...but I disagree...i have many female friends who some i have had sex with some I havent and either way I treat them exactly as a friend...but women, there is my problem...some women cant keep the shit separate...some women will be your friend, talk to you, hang out with you, all up until they get a boyfriend and then bam it all changes...they are gone, things are different...I get if they dont have time anymore, but when there is time for their female friends but not you....fuck that shit...if that was the case lady then why didnt we make out more...if now it is weird to be with me because your in love then obviously you either think i want more from you or you wanted more from me....either way this is bull shit...especially when i lose a friend...

all i am saying is that if is a really fucked up word...if...if only...if this...if that...no more fucking ifs...just do it...just say something...push for fucks sake...

I am honest, i tried unrequited love and it sucks...it is an awful way to live...i refuse to do that again...so you will know if I love you...girls...just because i like to talk and hang out doesnt mean i love you...so fuck off for ditching me now that you are "in love" the rules didnt change for me...i still feel the same about you...if they changed for you you better reevaluate how you feel about me...and speak the fuck up...I dont play games...

you cant propose to treat me as a friend, you cant tell me you dont love me that way, then not treat me like a friend, then not respect my feelings...choose which is it...because my love was yours and you pushed it away, you made the choice i didnt want to make...i am just living by that choice, now you stick with that choice or fucking get some balls and talk to me...

fucking bullshit...