So tell me about that....

So i have interviewed a good fifty people or so in the last two weeks....hired three people so far....one has dropped out already....it is fun interviewing people...its like going back to my old day bartending days....did you know i had no idea how to have a conversation until i was 27ish....before then i was silent....i didnt know what to say to a person....i didnt know how to keep a conversation going...how to show interest and inquiry....before i was in awe of those who could talk for hours...see i had no friends growing up...my family only spoke in commands to me....i just never was taught...the friends i did make never spoke too...we would go out to the bars and nothing...just drink and bits of small talk...i was unbelievably bored...i didnt converse with my girlfriends either...mostly small talk and sex....it wasnt until i got to SF and found out that people do talk when they are out...and i got this job at a slow bar with talkative regulars....and through just trial and error and sheer need to be able to keep a convo going or be bored all day i learned how to do it...

In a dream...you are real....

Tonight would be nice to text you....hopefully on your way home from your long day at work too....and ask you if u were down for a bottle of wine and some cheese and cured meats....and we could get home around the same time and chill...massage your feet....rub my shoulders....and talk....talk....talk until it's super late...but it doesn't matter...because the energy gained and the stress lost from just being with you and being cared for and loved will get us through the rest of the week...whatever it has in store for us....
But i have a boring household waiting for me....a cold room with laundry all over my bed....and insomnia....
I wonder what life is like having someone you trust whom you can call and talk to....a parent, sibling, friend....i am no orphan, but sometimes it seems like it....

Just in case you didnt know...

Today is a good day to play....play with friends, play with music, to play games, dance, and laugh all day and into the night....XXOO

If you look into my eyes...what would you see...

I love. I can. I have. Sometimes you just have to go with what your gut tells you is right....my gut tells me it will be hard...it will put me back...but it will be worth it....so i can do the easy thing and stay in bed...or....or.........so much personal connotation with that word....
But anyway.....it was sunny today again...it was nice to sit out in the sun....spend time with friends...i feel so misunderstood....always....i get i am hard to figure out...but you would think you would meet one person in ur lifetime that understands you.......i did the okc thing....such a waste of time....my ex found me on it....we are 59% match....it is soo confusing how i could have been so in love with someone that today i have such little attraction to..
Why do i keep falling for horrible women....how do i keep having shity relationships...why is it the women i am attracted to always end up just being my friend...maybe i need to be more aggressive when i am attracted to someone...but it is more they are not attracted to me....it's not like i am trying to date supermodels, truth is i am very selective with whom i am attracted to...but whatever...i got out of bed today....it was a good day so far....a little time left in it...wonder what will happen...

Your prize is me....

Five days down...one to go...when you are on salary....it is never a good idea to count your hours....62 so far ten more to go....my body is hurting....and usually i feel great about this kind of kicking ass and such but tonight i feel like my time was wasted....only cuz yes i did a great job and kicked ass...but in the end someone shity could have gotten things to an end and the day done, and be in the same place....meaning no one fucking cares....my hard work could be shity and have the same end....so i feel unaccomplished....i feel like what i did doesn't matter....kinda like me and you....

Lets escape into each other...

ugh fucking bullshit...how do people do that...just quit on their jobs...now I have to pick up the slack....so annoying....i dont have the time or the energy or the desire for this shit....tonight is going to be a fucking nightmare of a shift...fallowed by a fucking shity week...and it comes down to feeling like I am raising someone else's baby...and I am too nice to say no...fucking hate being a nice guy sometimes...it doesnt always pay off...but I hate myself when I act like an asshole...I have to be me...I have to go to work now...I have to finish my job and perform beyond my responsibilities cause that is who I am....as far as where I am going, what I want, what I deserve, I would rather talk about you...what do you want, where are you going, do you want to sit by the fireplace, snuggle, and rub our feet together as we softly kiss and stare into each others eyes...

No way to be.....

Stuck in traffic....listening to rusian music in a cab to work....it is sunny out...not much of a winter this year...no rain...
Nothing happened last night....probably better that way...i hope i get out of work early today....not that there is anything to look forward to but just because...shit i think i am missing having a girlfriend.....that is not good....i dont have time for one now...i dont really want one...just the conversations....having someone u trust to talk with....but whatever....almost there....later

If u want to dance...

Ok....so....today is a day...that shit might or might not happen...but i am ok with it either way....it is funny how down on myself i get when in a relationship...then when single i dont give a fuck...i guess it comes down to the fact that i only care about what certain people think about me...most people dont know me so their opinion of me doesnt matter, and some only know me in a certain light so their opinion is subjective...but if i love you....fuck am i hyper sensitive....maybe it is cuz i can count on one hand how many people know me well enough to matter....i am always super confident until i fall in love...then i freak out...35 years old and i still act like a dumb shit....i have to fix that...maybe next time will be better....
For now though, nothing matters...i think in a good relationship...once i get over myself....and truly trust the person...it will be good...the problem is things go way too fast and i dont trust that...i hope my next relationship goes slow...it should have some history...it should be hot n heavy at first...when u meet each other you know it is special...you want to spend every moment together...you want to fuck each others brains out...you think it is perfect and forever...and ur falling in love....u r in love...at least a very beginning type of in love...but you have to be mature enough to realize real love takes time to develop...u have to get through the part where the fire goes from a blaze to a warm glow and not just assume the fire is going out...all it needs is a little time...some care...and that fire can burn long and hot...without having huge flames coming from it....that is where real trust is found...when i can relax and truly believe in myself, you, us....that is what i believe in...someday I will find that person who has the passion and dedication for us.

How long should we keep doing this...

Kitchen nightmares and Restaurant impossible are fun shows....it is fun to watch others do what you do....to learn from their mistakes....it amazes me how simple it is and yet how dificult some people find running a place to be....but in the end you find that it comes down to some key requirements to success....one is passion, you have to care about what u r doing...two is drive, you have to be willing to be consistent in your passion, to do hard work your passion deserves...and three is technical knowhow, sometimes people fail just because they didnt know better....
You cant succeed without all three of those....and in every episode you find people who lack in all three of those....now if you want to be the best, you also need focus...to concetrate on a single passion....
I definitely have the passion, it is crucial in my work...the best service u get is from people who really care about what they are doing...it is not hard to take someones order and get them all that they need...but if u care, it is so much more than that...it's making sure the experience is perfect and people leave with a fond memory...that takes passion...it is fucking important...the truth is people deserve to be taken care of...a lot rides on meal time...relationships can be broken or made...especially yesterday....u screw up someones dinner and their life can change...the bad experience can linger through the night, and instead of getting laid, they are up all night fighting, and then they take the shity night to work and fuck up there, then before you know it everything snowballs and the couple are divorced homeless crackheads and it is all your fault....they could have had a great time, rekindled their love, decide to seek professional help, and go on to grow into very happy successful people...
There is so much more to say and expand on and share...but...this is frustrating...

I like that you tried....but here u are again...

Someone was saying that sucesful people have the ability to focus all their time and energy into one thing....people who can ignore social life, ignore family, ignore world maters, ignore personal hobbies, and everything else to focus on their thing....now not all people with this ability become sucessful, some are not so smart and fail at their goal or find out their goal didnt have a very sucessful outcome as they hoped....
But successful people seem to have that ability in common...for sure there are exceptions to the rule...but if you look at the top athletes, artists, politicians, entrepreneurs, insert anything here and add The Best at it, you will find someone that is awful at everrhing else in there life or at least most things...undeveloped social skills, neglected family, inability to take care of them selves, and most likely narcissism...
I am not like that......at all....so i wont ever be the best at anything....but for sure i will be fucking damn good at lots of shit....hopefully that will be enough...

I was just thinking about...well, everything...

When i was 16ish in school  we were discussing some book in english class ...and my teacher was very much into the idea that maintaining a status quo and fallowing it was the wisest thing to do when it came to society....this concept was widely agreed on in the class...and almost went without argument...except for me....i had to say something....i was the lone voice in expressing that the status quo is not always correct....

There are so many things in this small moment in my life that are crucial to who i am....