something is better than nothing but nothing beets the real thing...

There is nothing here I have to say….no words here I have to write…no sentences left for me to put together…I am empty….more so I am at an end….I am traveling in the dark no wind on my face but its cold as shit…it feels like all things are at zero…I have tones of energy burning in my pocket…and a passion for things waiting to fuel the fire…and there I am a kid in a blind fold with a donkey tail in my hand but I hear nothing…I am on an island in the middle of nowhere, and so I built a bridge, but it doesn’t connect to me…arms out stretched reaching for anything to grab onto to lead me my way, but I lost trust and hope, I have no faith that I am not just walking in circles, that I will find that jack ass or pin that fucking tail…but I refuse to stand still…I trip I fall I stumble and hurt myself over and over again, but I have to keep going…my heart has a huge hole in it, its been beaten and abused and I wear it on my sleeve, I put it out there like a glass slipper, and its my soul that rides around slipper in hand searching peoples eyes like doors to their souls…my mind is tired, tired of caring what you think, tired of riding around in the dark…tired of all the talk and disappointment…so there it is, in this place again…

here is to tomorrow

So Saturday night sucked…I ended up at some shity bar in the richmond and then I locked myself out of my house…and no one was home…I had my work keys and thinking eventually one of my roommates would get home soon I went to my work to be warm take a piss and wait…the cleaning crew was there all night long blasting some shity ass music and gossiping all night…so im sitting out there in the lounge trying to sleep and waiting for someone to call me back and I got nothing until noon the next day…it fucking sucked…so eventually I get in my bed and try to sleep...lord of the rings was on and so was star wars…so I was going back and forth napping here and there all evening until I get a buzz to head out to the bar…so I am hoping to have a good night to make up for last night and on the way there I get kicked in the gut…not literally but that’s what it felt like…so I am at the bar and I cant shake it…I hate how I cant control my emotions sometimes…I am in love with a girl who doesn’t want me…and my friends are making me talk about it and that just makes it all worse…I appreciate the support but I need distractions…the best thing for me is to try to fill my life with other things, other thoughts…so the night sucked…I am sober…my heart hurts…I am hungry but have no fucking appetite…i just want to crawl in bed and cuddle…but instead I will probably be up all night writing, thinking, fighting the urge to text everyone…I am sorry friends for that…you are filling a void for me…one of the things I miss most…talking so much she had to change phone plans…maybe that’s why I keep blogging…so much to say and no one up to say it to…I got to go…

more about myself...

So I feel antagonized and prodded…I was wasted when I wrote my last three blogs…and no I don’t remember writing them…but I recognize exactly why and how I felt when I wrote them…i mean its our song isn't it, i was asked to listen to them...so i did and wrote as i did...I have the night off tonight…my first Saturday off in months…i hope I don’t do anything stupid….
So when I am single I tend to delve deep into myself and try to concentrate on becoming a well rounded person and understand why I do things…last time I was single I got into enneagrams…found out I am a giving, adventurous, romantic…but these days I have been more into psyche stuff…I wonder where my life would have been if I had the support around me that I needed when I was growing up…because I really like psychology and philosophy and anthropology…so I read up on these things and maybe the fact that all but one of my exes is or should be on mood enhancers and or antidepressants may encourage my interest in it too…so I know a bit about depression…and now I am getting into attachment disorders… I think its because of my caring and encouraging nature coupled with my dependence on someone to feel good that I attract woman with trouble here…I tend to become that missing parent they needed to support them and give them the things they need to grow up…problem for me is that because I am IN love with them I expect a different kind of relationship…they all told me they loved me but in the end they loved me for what I do for them and not for who I am…I think that is why me and my exes still talk…the same reason you still talk to your folks that where there for you…even though you grew up there are times when you still need someone to support you…and they all know I am always there for them…and I don’t think its just my exes but a lot of my female friends that I have had over the years treat me similarly...i am always making female friends…i understand why...

and so this kinda gets back to my main goal in life…why I do everything I do...where my happy place is…why i attract these woman and why they think they love me...and why these relationships fall apart....everyone has there different needs of support, independence, help, nurturing, and so forth...i know that i have to be able to take care of my girl...that is the person i am...but there is a balance to know my girl can take care of me when i need her...i think i keep finding girls who are not able to be there for me...and the relationship is so unbalanced...i hate the game of it all, the idea that fucking me is all i need to be happy...by just saying your my girlfriend makes it so...all is forgiven and forgotten...a complete lack of respect and understanding of my feelings...everyone of my exes have treated me that way...so i guess its something i am not doing right...i think this all takes more thought and introspection...

so anyway I have the night off…I am going to watch the sharks game at a bar and then go out dancing…I am happy and I hope it’s a fun night…

blogging a lot these days

So I don’t remember writing my last two blogs…I am drunk and probably wont remember writing this one…So I know my exes read my blog….and so I censor the things I put up here cuz I don’t want them to think just cuz I miss love means I miss them….but they know more than anybody what we had is over….but the thing is that we have affected each other in deep ways…and I love that…you cant grow without suffering…and we all did in our own way…part to me and part to you part to someone else…but not all…i met this girl who is exactly like one of my exes and it trips me out…I look at her and I feel like I know now that I am in such a different place then I was when I was love lost for her…I am glad to make that new friendship it feels good….i am still in contact with some of my exes and I still love them all…I want so much for them to find themselves to live their lives and do well…but its always hard for me to let go…I feel like a farther that wont let his little girl grow up…its sad but true…and so I have this ex that is completely lost and I keep going back trying to give her anything I can do to help her accomplish what i know she wants to do but cant find the way and at the same time I am trying not to lead her on…and I have my friends telling me its not my responsibility to help her, and she doesn’t want my help…the point is that I put up in my blogs the loss of love I feel the passion of life I have and the want for me from what I had…and I do this cuz I know you all feel the same fucking way at one point in your life…you all have broken a heart here and there…it sucks but it has to be done sometimes…and there it is heartbreak and guilt…but I don’t hide it cuz it might make someone feel bad…I take ownership for my actions…here it is and I am no longer holding back…yes I hurt you yes you hurt me…truth is I fucked over my ex I used her I played her and the I did it again…and I feel bad about it…and I am always trying to make good on my fuck up…but I don’t blame her for not talking to me…I miss her…but if I see her again and look into her eyes all I would want to do is kiss her…even though its not from the heart…because my heart is not connected to her anymore…it is affected by her and grown because of her but it is no longer hers to have…being in love with someone who is not IN love with you sucks…its happened to me a few times…I’ve done it…it most likely happened to you…but the possibility for mutual love is real…its not guaranteed but it not impossible either…I own this blog…it is about Bridget…it is about Lynn…it is about Kelly…it is about April…it is about Tracy…its about Luci..its about Chey..it about George...its about Jessie...its about Mitch...ts about Josh...its about EV...its about Eric, Maria. Jason, Dave...its about all those fuckers who tell me there heartbreak stories and thier quest for finding love...i take from you all and write it...and its all about myself…same as all the rest…but you already know i dont play...RIGHT

this is my sing

its 7 am and all i want is not love...the fact is the last hing i want is love....all i want is to be....i am living a world turning the days around...as if and there it is..i have fun when i am doing the things that i like doing and so do you...so there i am a person doing the things i like to do and wondering why i am not doing them with someone who likes doing the things i like to do....that is the hard part...its like i dont like you but i like everything about you....and there you are...there i am....she sees me as a cool dude but there is no love...just cuz it ll makes sense doesnt mean it all is real...i dont care anymore...i am worth doing something for so do something

Sing along with me...

...so here i am...i imagine what it is like to be a homeless person standing outside a burger shack watching the people eat when i am so fuckin starving...i am tired of people telling me how great of a guy i am and how much i fucking deserve...i surround myself with good people we all deserve happiness...we all are searching for a rock to stand on...air to breath...but then there you are not taking the steps you know you should take....i know where i want to be in life and its so fucking hard to get there because i wont do what it takes to be there....i want so much and yet i cant get myself to do it....and i ask god why....why do i suffer...and it all points to me...i want someone to just know what i need...to have it and want to give it to me...i feel like a misused tool...a screwdriver being used as a hammer...sure i can do the job but thats not what i am meant for...i am happy for my friends....they keep me going...but this is my city...this is my home....i am not traveling through trying to find myself....so kill me now...i have nowhere else to go....and yet with every message sent to lust i know i am nothing....my ow my i cant stop....but the ribbons have lost their sent...and all i have to hold onto is rejection....and the realization that the last person texted was...well it aint me....but not everything is as it seems....like the song says..your so vain you think this song is about you....well maybe the blog is about you...maybe its not...but when i look i see what could have been despite what was...its whatever you like...and now how you felt yesterday is not how you feel today...things change...love fades....and i am tired of being used for sex...i am tired of one night stands and misplaced affections....so whatever dont stop....i am not trying to cage you up...i am not a keeper...and when i call and dont get an answer trust holds me true....cuz sometimes i need to walk my own way...and so i act like a jackass...no one gets the reason why i do the things i do....and my eyes stare into space...wondering...remembering that moment...its more than then fire in my blood...its like lightning through my soul...its chaos...but to hear those words form you...to think you are ready to say those words and i am ready to hear them....its sweet...a thing of dreams...but this is not real....its old and faded...and taken over by mindless bohunks and fat phobes....your songs say so much to me....but i cant keep listening to them....its like forgiveness is easy forgetting is foolish...cuz feeling sorry for what you did does not change anything...i do believe in rehabilitation but also in punishment...i want to atone for my mistakes to offer up a reason why me fuckups should be forgotten to pay the price...i just wish i knew how and to who....i am sick and tired of being sick and tired...my life is always missing that one word...IN...the game is over and i am no longer playing...

CONGRATS TO REAL LOVE

I am very comfortable in my own skin....i know what i am doing and i know what i need to do to get where i want to be...but i keep running into brick walls...the wave beneath me keeps crashing out from under me....something inside me drives me to want to help people...to promote growth and love and happiness...i keep finding people who need something in their lives and i keep trying to fulfill those needs...there is no back motive in it for me but when i do these things i feel like there is this pay-it-forward effect going on...its nice to help people but eventually they wont want my help anymore...and i feel emptied...sometimes a feel frustrated cuz i couldnt help enough...but in the end i overstay my welcome...and the frustration, the rejection, the lose, all leave me trying to hold on to a lost cause...but eventually i find myself comfortable and content in all things me...i am never really looking for anything... i have no real plans...where exactly I end up in life is undetermined…because I feel so much of that depends on you…everyone changes and as every life experience changes you and me…then your decisions change…anything is possible if you let it happen…So I am on my way to wish a friend happy birthday and bon voyage…and I couldn’t be more happy for her…for living her life and making things happen…and to the true love her and her man have found and will celebrate tonight....

Stupid insomnia

I have found that I like dark stories…my favorite kind of movies are dark….i hate Hollywood endings…I understand why they exist but I hate it….like the end of closer where Alice doesn’t die…it ruins the whole movie or the end of stranger then fiction…i just don’t like it…life doesn’t work out all the time….everyone wants to think people get what they deserve….there is no fact to that…sure there is nothing attractive about the way I feel these days…but I don’t care…its nearly five in the morning…what do I care about anything at this time…my mind feels like a slice of warm pie without the ice cream…I went out the other night with the exact intent to find a quite place to smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink enough beer to be able to pass out later…that’s all I wanted to do…unfortunately some old dude was intent on sucking my dick and would not leave me alone…so I let him buy me some drinks as he told me of how he just got dropped from an 8 year relationship and hasn’t had the desire for sex in years…and as he told me all I could think was how little I cared but at least I didn’t have to think about the homophobic short out of shape womanizer my replacement is...but I have to laugh cuz she is already flirting with someone else behind his back…its always greener on the other side I guess…but none of that has anything to do with me anymore...and just then he asks me if I thought the bartender was wearing a toupee…I sad no way it just looks weird...who wears those…apparently the bartender does and the old dude went on about how unattractive the fat hairy beast is…I felt better….sure we were two heart broken sad single dumped schmucks but at least we weren’t prancing around in a hair piece or looked like a fatter hairy Britney Spears on a binge with absolutely nothing remotely attractive about us, as he put it….so I let him buy me one last shot before going my own way…to end up at another bar feeling good enough to shoot a smile to the mission chic in her tight jeans dark hair and faded brand new guns and roses shirt…of coarse all I got back was a cold wince…I forget I don’t have the right uniform for the role of love interest in her life…tattoos, deconstructed professionally styled hair, spacers in my ears, and dingy looking dark clothes…I hate uniforms…so with my soul back in check its last call…my pack nearly empty and my body saturated with enough booze to pass out I go home…so I didn’t get exactly what I wanted out of the night but things ended up fine just the same…hmmm is that a happy ending…whatever

Still dont get it...

I avoided looking into her eyes…afraid to see something…I didn’t want a relationship…I didn’t want to get hurt again…I was having such a good time and she was leaving in the morning…I didn’t want to be love sick over a girl I would probably never see again…but there we were…and all is took was an instant….I saw something I had never seen in someone’s eyes before…something I fear I will never see again…

There is a different feeling you get when Love is real….Its more than butterflies and warm feeling when you see them…It’s more then personality chemistry…its more then common interests and views on life and mental compatibility….its more than physical attraction and sexual satisfaction…All those things put together mean nothing…A best friend at best….because Love comes from your soul, from the spirit inside you….Love is deeper than a feeling and emotions…It’s not just endorphins and hormones…it’s nothing you can imagine or know until you feel the real thing…until you look into someone’s eyes and deep inside your souls jump out of your bodies, they kiss, and dance and hug and entangle your spirits together intertwined in a connection deep and undeniable that nothing, Absolutely NOTHING else matters….

I had that…I lost it…I don’t want to say anything cruel…she didnt see in my eyes what i saw...and now the last thing I want is her back in my life…But when I see her my soul weeps uncontrollably….when I think about her my heart screams in pain…It is all I can do to keep her out of my head…she creeps into my thoughts and my guts cringe…She wont leave me alone…so I fill myself with any kind of distraction…I try to meet other people…ive met some smart beautiful girlz….some funny and kind women…hot women with their shit together and their eyes on me…and as she stares into my eyes losing herself in my soul I look deep into her eyes past the beauty past the kind heart, deep into her soul…and I realize I just made another friend…so what do you do…I am over the girl just not the feelings...but when i think about the first time my heart was broken when i was 19 that still hurts today...i dont think you ever lose that...

i bring this all up because i am constantly finding myself defending myself...trying to get people to understand why i act the way i do and do the things i do...the way i felt was different with my ex and with my first love...if you cant understand that you cant understand why moving forward doesnt involve losing the pain...this hurt i will carry with me forever...you never forget the first time your heart is broken and you never forget the ones that touch your soul...but everything i write or do isn't about them...the feelings i had may have been towards them but they are MY feelings...and now I am dealing with them...its just that to understand where one is going you have to know where one has been...like i say in my previous post...there is no such thing as destiny or fate, because you make choices all the time changing what could happen...its up to you to go after what you want and hope its what the universe wants too...right now i think god has a different idea for me...the universe wants me for other things...so just like i say in my next post....well you read it...

This is my secret...

So here it is…there are several threads I am drowning in…there is this whole thing about, “it will be ok” bullshit…I lost all my faith in that…I don’t care about destiny, “meant to be”, fate, karma….there are no guaranties in life…just because you are a good person doesn’t mean good shit will happen to you…fact is nothing is connected….i have no faith in the butterfly affect…a tree goes down in who cares where has no affect on my life….the things that are happening to me now have no baring on the things that will happen to me tomorrow…sure if that one thing didn’t happen I wouldn’t have known another….but none of that has any affect on what happens tomorrow…fact is the amount of pain one endures does not equal the amount of joy received…there is heat break and love everywhere…I just don’t believe everything happened to you for a reason…but that doesn’t change that those things happened…they are a part of you and what make you who you are….but tomorrow you can do anything you want despite those things if you make it happen…is it all about the whole adage…live life while you can to the fullest because this is the only one you got so live for today and plan for tomorrow, type bullshit…its stupid because fact is you cant count on anything…but you can do what you like to do you can try to be happy and get the things you want...if you want something but don’t ask for it you wont get it, if you don’t do something to get it, it wont just come to you…as long as what you want doesn’t involve what others want…unfortunately everything involves the wants and desires of another person and you cant control what other people want, its unpredictable and unreliable…so you cant get something by just wanting it…and sometimes you might do everything right to get it and still it wont happen for you, life is not fair and sometimes makes no fucking sense…so instead of being so upset over disappointing people and situations…I am going to concentrate on myself…the one thing I can control…to put myself in the right shape to be ready for the unpredictable…

SF....home to love-sucking vampires....

So I am dating again…dating in this city sucks…its so fucking easy to meet people here, but its so fucking hard to find something real…I am fucking picky I admit that…I will see and talk to so many people in one night and maybe one night here and there I will make out with someone but I always feel like the girl at the end of the night… thinking to myself will this hottie call me back n the morning or was I just another notch in her bed post...there is a reason why this city has the highest percentage of single women in the country...the girls here are what they are, I don’t know why, too many hot gay guys or too many unattached people lost from home, whatever…I am not about it…and I just like to say I hate how I lost control of my body last night…I bet lots of people did things they didn’t expect they would do last night...and today as I walked through the kitchen at work thinking about how extreme the emotions I felt when I saw my ex walk in last night...just in time to see a cell phone being passed around the kitchen with a picture of a half naked girl on it...i know i am better then that...I felt like the lives of so many people could have changed last night by one thing just being different…I don’t know where I belong…I feel like a salmon going down stream when the rest are going up…I am a nice guy…I am an asshole too…I am boring…I am fun…I am skinny…I am fucking strong…I am who I am….i am wandering around this town like a blind slug searching for a shell to call home…I am clutching my phone wondering where I went wrong, when does it all feel right…I had it in my hand last night…it felt good at the time…now it feels like heartless lovesucking vampires eating my life away…

it the same thing just different...

I finally got a new job...its what i have been trying to get since forever...my career is on its way...only thing is its not perfect...but what ever is...i am working at 222 hyde now...running the show, at least trying to...its hard to get the owners to do what they need to do...but hopefully it will all work out...and maybe a year or so from now i will bust out with my own place...things are changing for me...i feel like a fish released from a hook...a year ago i thought i had it all, the girl the career, the friends, but things didnt work out...i know swore i found the perfect girl for me but people change...thats life i guess...its hard to know what is the right thing to do the right path to take, where in this world you belong...and now i couldnt be more sure of the oppisite...things are making a bit more sense now...funny thing is when i got mecca i kinda felt the same way about my life as i do now...but now i feel like everything is better...my standards are always getting higher...and i tend to find out life does get better...then it gets worse...then it gets good again...i just have to remember not to let that chance pass me by...the other night i missed one...but hopefully it wont be the last chance i get...i am excited about 222 hyde though...and now i work at a place where all my friends can visit...so get yo asses out there and say hi...2 dollar PBRs you cant hate on that...

to be wanted..lusted over...loved

i dont think i ask for all that much...i think its what everyone wants....i know who i am as a person...i am still growing and learning...but the core person inside me...i know who that is...i know that i will leave a party to help a friend in need...and i would leave a friend to chase love...there have been moments in my life when i went against my instincts...i was proud of myself...because the truth is...i chase love so fucking much...i am always looking for it...i realized a few years back that i was born to be half of something...but people are like puzzle pieces and not just any two can fit together...i thought i had found the perfect piece for me...but i have come to realize there is something to what everyone has said..but my instincts dont agree...its like janet said, what have you done for me lately...i am that way though...i have never been about words but actions...say you love me till your blue in the face i dont care, go out of your way to show me you love me and i will remember that forever...it goes like that for any relationship...everyone knows that friend that fucks you over constantly, ditches you at parties or always flakes or is always so drunk your night is ruined cuz you have to babysit...most of us have grown up and cut those people from our lives...but there is still that friend that despite acting like an ass you still forgive, and not because they said sorry, they all say sorry, but cuz they did something to show you they care about you...people are allowed to make mistakes we all fuck up from time to time but forgiveness comes with atonement...and so i babble off my point i started with again....which was my heart...i went to the whiz to get a new one...found out i had one the whole time...it has a hole it in though...and there are so many of us out there looking for that puzzle piece to help us make sense of life...it was all so much easier when all i wanted was a "just for now" "no strings attached" relationship, i could go down stairs to the bar and in no time find a hot fling...now that i want more that seems all so unsatisfying...but i guess its all about living, moving forward, and just know that someday that hot little number in sexy shoes and a stylish outfit will bump into me somewhere and show me how she feels...it will happen for me and it will happen for you..thats what everyone keeps telling me anyway...

Off to see the Whiz....

I Feel like a character in the whiz and I am off to get a new heart…see this one has been ruined…the one I have attracts those in need instead of those who want to give…and so I am off on a road trip…and I hope I come back with a new heart…one that will be loved not because of how it makes you feel not because of what It does for you but because someone cares and loves it truly…a new heart is what I seek…A new way to look at this life…this crazy spot I am in…this room that’s unlivable, this ocean that’s unsurfable…this burger I crave that’s unavailable…I don’t want that burger anymore…there has got to be better one out there…there has got to be another room around here somewhere….there has got to be another beach to surf at….i am not craving, obsessing or looking for one thing….but if I happen to stop by somewhere and see something I like…I have to go for it….and if I don’t see anything then that’s ok too…as long as I am moving forward…no more yo-yo shit…I can do better and will do better…and with my new heart i hope I can find something that likes to give as much as receive…if I can get a new heart…the Whiz lives in Atlanta don’t he?

"There is no truth there is only perception" Gustave Flaubert

That room doesn’t look so good anymore…I am against this brick wall…but as I stand up to face it…I realize I am the brick wall…and it has disappeared…but I don’t like what I see in front of me…I see the inside of this room and its full of vises…even if I enter it there is so much to do…I don’t see happiness is a luxury I will have in my life anytime soon…I see storms coming…I see lots of bad habits…I am out in the vast ocean alone, out in search of the perfect wave…and the conditions are bad…the sun is high but I know someday it will set…I have nothing to hold onto no truth no safety no guarantee…even faith doesn’t tell me things will be anything other than sufferable…I have no other choice but to accept the world as it is…accept the room is a mess, accept the ocean is angry…accept and know I have no power to change those things…I can only control myself…and it is not my responsibility to fix the world…I see so much to do…and I know it will take a long time to do it all…my life is this room…my life is this ocean...every wipeout, every cluttered corner, every struggle is my life…my life I have no control over…but as it is the one I am living it is myself that will live it…as it is now and as it will be tomorrow or next year…my responsibility is to myself…to be the best I can be and live this life as it comes…maybe someday the ocean will calm, the room will be cleaned and happiness will fall over me…but for now this is the way things are…so I accept it…I choose to surf this ocean…I choose to enter this room…Most importantly, I choose to stop moping about it and just live it…at least I will try…

AGAINST A WALL

I am, I am hitting my head against a brick wall...there is this room I am trying to get into…but there is no door…I cant find it…everything inside me tells me I am supposed to be in that room….everyone around me is trying to get me to go another direction….and now I, I cant even…I am lost so fucking lost so fucking hurt so fucking confused so fucking annoyed so fucking misused so fucking hated so fucking empty so fucking angry so fucking tired so fucking much and I keep hitting my head against that fucking brick wall…I have spent my life, every action of it…when I breath I think of it….its in all I do…and I have spent my life wondering how is the impossible going to happen…given up, waiting to die, lost all hope, and with a flash begins a burn…and the wind puts out the flame…but the coals smolder and heat and the fire grows within…and is stocked…it rises from an ash and then the rain comes, and with it the cold and pain…I feel beaten and battered and betrayed….i can not trust life anymore…I have lost faith in all that can be…every step I take I take with fear….i am a helper carrying those around me…but my legs are tired and my feet cant find sure footing to depend on…I lay myself against that brick wall my hands pressed flat against the rough bricks and mortar my palms feeling for the warmth beyond it…my ear to the wall listening, my check scratching against it…my tears running down my face dripping on the wall…I imagine the room….i imagine it like a long warm true honest hug, that idea is so foreign to me…so far off…like a hug you only see in movies…they don’t really exist, do they? I could lay here against this wall and die…out in the cold darkness alone and uncared for…I can try again to get into that room…I could bang my head once more against that wall….i could walk away from it…I could fall asleep here and dream of being rescued, of finding my way into that room, of feeling that hug….maybe if I pick a different spot to bang into…maybe there is a different way to get in…another lock to pick a door to open sometime in the future…I wish I had hope…something to grasp onto…some truth….i lean against the wall my back pressed against it as I slide down crouching, gently tapping the wall with the back of my head my elbows knocking at the bricks….i don’t want to give up on this spot I don’t want to move I can sense the room from here…in a couple days maybe I will stand up face this wall and do something…I just don’t know what yet…

drifting, taking it as it comes...

So I am out here in the ocean…just took a nasty wipe out…I am trying to catch the perfect wave…I found a break that feels like it could develop into something fucking amazing…but the conditions are not good right now…and the ocean is a little crowded with other surfers trying to catch my wave…I’ve learned not to be angry at them not to resent the ocean for allowing these other surfers to ride my waves…I don’t like the crowd but I understand why they are here and sympathize with them when the wave falls apart and crashes over them as it does to me…but I have my eye on this particular break point….and I am waiting for it to develop, I can see another asshole surfer eye my spot, wanting to snake it from me…as I drift out in the ocean waiting for the wave…I am hurt and angry but realizing I have no control over the ocean…I can see the ocean play the same game with him as it played with me…I am tempted to go for another spot…I can see other break points that are beautiful all over this ocean…the other night I saw an amazing one being surfed, it was respect and love and wanting and caring and desire and knowing and all those things that matter…I saw that someone else can feel like I dream…reciprocate instead of reject…rejoice instead of remorse…it was a nice wave, and gave me hope, but also makes me wonder about where I am in this ocean…should I paddle away from this spot to find that…I am waiting but is this really where I must be…

Sarah Palin..the real Mrs. Broflovski

I just caught the last part of Sarah Palins speech at the Republican NC….it got me angry…I hate liars…I hate people who manipulate words to hide the truth…

The first thing I heard her say..

“america needs more energy, our opponent is against it”

whatever…google both candidates stance on energy…they both have similar plans on energy…the only difference is the words used…except for one point…the debate over outer-shelf drilling…environmentalists aside…even if there would be no impact on the environment…according to everyone “conversion of those resources to production would require both time and money. In addition, the average field size in the Pacific and Atlantic regions tends to be smaller than the average in the Gulf of Mexico, implying that a significant portion of the additional resource would not be economically attractive to develop at the reference case prices.” Quoted form the U.S. energy information administration (http://www.eia.doe.gov/oiaf/aeo/otheranalysis/ongr.html)

oil is like everything else its cheaper when its made in a third world country…we already have acres of land oil companies could drill on…they just don’t cuz it costs too much…so if we force them to drill it still wouldn’t bring down prices….besides oil companies are about making money and economies work on supply and demand…if we demand less then the price goes down…if there is a lot of something the price goes down too…and if the price goes so far down that it costs more to make then to sell…then those companies will fold, disappear and new ones creating new energy sources will take their place to gouge us at our billfolds…

fact is drilling is a point the republicans are using to gain your vote, but again they are lying to you about it…

just like they did with iraq…using our fear of terrorism to illicit a response….and in doing so they are fueling the terrorists by increasing the fear they cause…Sarah gave power to the terrorists with her speech…and she proclaimed her stance against human rights denying due process…

she and the republicans always want smaller government…but why does the deficit keep rising under republicans…why does the budget keep increasing…meaning larger government…what are they really talking about…

well what is government:

21% social security…that’s not going away

9% interest…bush has done nothing but raise that

21% defense…don’t they want more of that?

21% medicare and medicade…this is our public health insurance…its mandatory and cant change…

11% other mandatory spending for things like welfare and unemployment and disability…socialist ideas that work…and cant change in the budget

so that leaves 16% for things like: Transportation, federal highways and bridges, support for Amtrak, funds to help states with other roads, bridges, railroads, airports and so on. And things like the FDA, FBI, and the DEA…anything you can think of that starts with “department of” is government, like the department of justice, the department of homeland security, the department of education…these things all bring you the infrastructure to be an American…

so republicans want to take these things away…and reduce taxes…

we’ve had 8 years of that thinking and I don’t know about you but I don’t see the mass amount of jobs these new lower taxes have brought…in fact I know many people who have lost their jobs…and do you know how many people the government employs…if they lost their jobs too where would they go…to take yours…to not spend their money that they don’t have at your work…yah it trickled down alright…broke ass trickled all the way down to the bum who gets less spare change on the street corner and now has to get a job…oh wait there arnt any…

and then she says raising taxes will hurt small businesses…but wait isn’t the SBA (Small business administration) another piece of large government…wont getting rid of that hurt them more than raising taxes on large businesses and the rich…oh yah that’s who is going to get taxed, not middle America…but that wouldn’t be fair would it…not as fair as tax right offs for billionaire airlines or oil companies who refuse to drill unless the gov picks up the costs…isn’t that large government too…

republicans love to twist the facts around…bunch of compulsive liars hiding their motives for their own greed…

And how does she presume to talk about experience when she has been governor for months…McCane being so fucking old could very well pass while in term and then we would have some PTA nag, blame throwing, close minded, power abusing, righteous Shiela Broflovski type bitch as president…do we really want that…nothing against women I don’t mind having a woman as president…but someone who can do the job with integrity and dignity and experience…She has none and I don’t like her…

killing time before work

I took this test before...i put it here on my blogg somewhere but i cant find it...i wonder how much i have changed...i took the enneagram test again too..i am still a huge 2...and still fallowed closely by 4/7/9...so my personality may fluctuate a little but i am still the same person i was a couple years ago...a giving, artistic, adventurous, schmuck....who according to these results i am also messy,unassertive,bizarre, does not make friends easily, unsympathetic at times, submissive, weird, sarcastic, and strange...no wonder i cant get a girl to stick it out with me...honestly i dont thinks these numbers are all that accurate...but who knows...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 38% Stability |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Orderliness |||| 18% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||| 14% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 63% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious |||||||||||||||||| 76% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||| 76% Materialism |||||| 23% Narcissism || 10% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Humanitarian |||||||||||||| 56% Conflict seeking |||||| 23% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Avoidant |||||| 30% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 76% Change averse |||| 16% Cautiousness || 10% Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 76% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Peter pan complex |||| 16% Family drive |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| % Histrionic |||||| 23% Paranoia |||| 16% Vanity |||| 16% Honor |||||||||||||||| 70% Thriftiness |||||||||||||||| 70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
secretive, reclusive, messy, disorganized, introverted, unassertive, rarely worries, dislikes large parties, does not like to fit in, does not need to control others, solitary, ambivalent about chaos, tough, leisurely, does not respect authority, not aggressive, observer, abstract, impractical, dislikes leadership, daydreamer, bizarre, does not make friends easily, not a perfectionist, suspicious, rarely irritated, strong physical instincts, unsympathetic at times, risk taker, submissive, weird, sarcastic, strange

its a realization....the game is over

its funny how things work...the thing that made me feel the happiest i have ever felt in my life now makes we feel the worst i ever felt in my life....

i suffered from major depression most of my childhood...i have one memory of the 4th grade and its not a good one...it wasn't until i was 23 i think until i got a grip of it and snapped out of my major depression...but i still suffer from bouts of it here and there...and i was told i have a constant low level depression i cant get rid of...i think thats the main cause of my insomnia, my low energy levels, why i am so negative and unhappy, why i am an asshole sometimes and say mean things and push people away....

its been almost ten years of me dealing with this low level depression...Dysthymia is what its called....over the years i have learned how to deal with it...and sometimes i fall into severe depression still....when i suffer from major depression i have learned how to conquer it and recognize my behavior to make those periods of depression shorter...but the disthymia is always with me...its hard to think of life without feeling this way now...

well i think my recent bout with major depression is ending...i know what i need to do and i feel the energy to do those things come back...and its all because i am getting a grip on this love shit...so i have to see her at work and it sucked not being able to love her, and it sucked even more knowing she is flirting with the sous chef...but that hurt is now all but gone...truth is after talking to him i found out he is an asshole and a liar and really short...if thats the kind of guy she wants then so be it...

really the point of this was to say i am making stride to get out of my depression and am ready to live life again...so bring it on

god help me draw that curtain back and begin anew...

I feel like a tool for the universe...as if my life is not in my control...i have no choice in where my life leads...in the end i find myself in the exact same place...no matter how hard i try to escape it...the truth keeps finding me...

i want to break free...i want to live a different life...why am i your mirror...why am i your crutch...why do i have to be the asshole, the pusher, the catalyst in your life...for you and for you and for you i live...but who lives for me...who will be there when i need them to be...when do i get what i want.....when do i get to use and be forgiven, without remorse...oh do i...do i really...


i am not without fault, not without greed, not without lust, jealousy, vanity....i am a man who desires to be so much....i live a life i truly am greatful to have....but i feel like i have all the water in the world and i am thirsty as a mother fucker, but i have no cup to drink that water out of...

i am going now...to see the freak show they call pink slip...alone amongst friends i will be...smoking to hide the pain....drinking to kill the time...waiting for the second act to begin in this play i call my life...i await behind the curtain, anticipating its drawing...wondering whos face will i see first...who will be the lead in the next chapter of my life...someone new, someone old, someone recent...maybe this is a lone chapter in my life...if it is i hope its a short chapter...

there are 99 ways to live life I a am living the hundredth…

Am I a love martyr…are you cold…am I lost…why cant you love me back…am I not enough…do I cause you pain…am I not all you ever wanted…(i am not) I tried to give you everything you ever wanted…I woke you up from your slumber…showed you all you can be….all you can be is all I hope for you…do you not see me in all you are…I gave you the space and you filled it with another…I took it back when that space was still empty and yet you want another…my heart my soul lives in that space you keep pushing me out of…you keep pulling me into…you keep replacing me and I am still there…you hold me close…like a hug in a glass case you pull to when you cant find it in you…I am here when you need me…you discard me like a tired old song when you’ve heard it to many times over again…but when your new song doesn’t hit as hard, you play me again…you come back and tell me I am your jam…should I give up…should I move on as everyone tells me to...as you told me to do tonight…I feel like shit…I feel like shit when I am with you…I feel like shit on shit when I am away from you…those who don’t know love tell me love doesn’t treat me like this….maybe I don’t know love…99 friends told me I deserve better…I want to hear from the hundredth maybe she knows better…remember how you felt…what you do to me…ohh what you do to me…or is it what you wish you could have had…and I didn’t do…couldn’t do…a better idea from far but up close seems too real…am I a love martyr…I hope you get what you want…I hope you like what your getting…there are 99 ways to live life I a am living the hundredth…

the consequence of passionate love...

There is a thing about love stories…chick flicks if you will…most guys just don’t get them…when we sit around and talk rarely do you here us talk about love…it is unusual to here a guy tell another to stick with a chick when things get crazy in a relationship…often you here a guy say something like “girls are all crazy” or “you just got to be mean to them and tell them how it is. they like that, turns them on” and “I know what your talking about I had a girl like that, shit happens, relationships suck, its hard when you break up but you’ll get over it” …fact is I don’t have many married friends out here in the city…none of these guys know how I feel…and my gay friends have no clue about how woman are…I was the same way…not the mean part but I believed maybe marriage happened when you “settle” you quit “sowing the oats” and find a girl hot and cool enough to end “the game” with…shit maybe I am too nice and trusting…maybe I am not mean enough to keep a girl...but I have the passion of true real love…I watched love movies and wondered how does a person act like that its so unrealistic to think someone would do those things to be so passionate…to forgive so quickly to extend such compassion to do the things guys do in movies that make no sense…they are movies and seem so unrealistic the actions men take because of movie love…they are what they are…and now I know that kind of love…I watch those movies and I get it…I understand why a man would go through those kind if lengths for a woman…the sacrifices the choices the caring…I understand the motivations it takes to do those things…I feel that kind of love…I am willing to do those things…never have I known a love like what I feel now…and yet I have been betrayed by my love…I have been lied to…I have been used…I am in love with a girl who doesn’t love me…and in the last few months that love has hurt me…and I wonder why I love her so much…why do I continue letting her treat me so…in love movies I wonder which guy I am…am I the one that leads her to her real love…am I the one she is supposed to end up with…is she the one to lead me to my real love…is she my end or my beginning…this is not a movie…real life is so mush more grey…and it takes so mush longer than two hours to wrap up…but I understand that kind of love…now I feel like I have given all the chances I can give…and its time for someone to chase me…someone to tell me they love me and cant live without me…I am the one hurt by love waiting for my love to decide on me…to do that something special to convince me our love is true…to find me and hug me…my dreams betray me…my desires cloud my judgment…but its my passion for love that keeps me alive…my passion for true love that I live and wait for…and my passion is fueled by my love…there is only one woman who can satisfy this passion…and yet its crushed by her…she broke her promise to me…and now that passion is…its…confused…hurt...dyeing…waiting…asking for a true a hug…real passionate love in return…

Lets Duet...

So today is the first day we havnt communicated in almost a year...now this is the most miserable day of my life

This isnt just another breakup...its not a case of a two people splitting ways and moving on...this wasnt a "just for now" relationship turning into a "that was then"...not for me...she isnt just another girl in a line of relationships as i try to figure life out....its an accepted idea to be single in the city...with so many possibilities its hard to stay focused and not wonder what else is out there....no this is not a breakup i can force myself to get over and move on from...i found out what real true love is...i mean every relationship i had in the past felt nothing like this does...its like you meet someone and theres a connection somewhere...either your physically attracted either sexually or intellectually...or your souls intertwine and connects you like long lost friends you feel for without even knowing....or your heart leaps out your chest for a person embracing and being embraced by lovely endorphins...you start off with one of those connections and see where it goes...date a bit...in hopes that maybe that one connection could grow into all three....and then along the way something happens...you lose the connection...or one of you sees something shinier on the other side of the fence...or you just realize your relationship isnt gonna develop into the true heart, body, and soul love....

I remember the moment my soul bonded with hers...it knew there was something the first moment we met on the sidewalk near mecca...then in my kitchen on pride....we were talking and i felt that something as if we've known each other for lifetimes and now we were catching up...our first night we physically intellectually connected talking all night as we third wheeled Chey that Monday night...my mind found its balance...she has it all...she loves to talk and loves to listen...she loves to laugh and as a great sense of humor...i could go on forever about the things i love about her...and she is the picture of beauty my mind had always imagined...we couldn't resist each other...she went back home to ohio and we couldnt deny our connections...and over the phone my heart fell in love with her...the things she did for me...the loving she shared with me our hearts melted together....

For nearly a year i talked to her in some way every day...for nine months we spent only one night apart...this was not the cause for the demise of our relationship...i want to spend every night for the rest of my life with her i want to speak to her every day until i die...this is because our love is connected in a way i have no control over...my mind cant convince my heart to stop loving...my soul cant convince my mind to give up...my heart will not quite my soul from yearning...my entire being is dedicated to her happiness and bathing in her joy...

the causes for the demise of our relationship is a number of things...and i pray we can overcome them...

So not i dont feel single cuz love like this cant just be forgotten...love like this i cant just lose and move on from...i cant suppress it and try to be friends...i cant imagine myself with anyone else...and no this will not change because love like this does not come everyday...love like this you never know exists until you feel it yourself...and unless youve felt it you just dont know what i am going through...i am not heart aching i am not a hopeless romantic clinging on to shattered dreams...i am a person who has found the meaning to life the happy in my happiness...the woman of my dreams....there is no one else...and lost it...i lost her...feels like i died...my heart...my body....my soul.

I am fucked...