you dont get it...and probably never will...

Hello....So i have had fate taken from me tonight...there is no such thing as making your own path....destiny was made for me, fate took me to a possibility an opportunity and i tried to make it happen and I DID make it happen until cosmic whatever, God, took it away from me.....I have no doubt God is real....there is no way my life is what it is and things happen as they do without a God out there doing shit....I dont understand it...I pray almost everyday...not that it matters...I have been praying for shit to happen all my life and nothing...i have lived a very lonely and sad life...i have been miserable and in empty relationships most of my life...but it is not like I have a shity life...I am lucky for the things I do have...but i feel like a bird with clipped wings.. meant to fly but forced to walk...a fish who cant swim...a cheetah with no room to run....I was made to be in love and have found no one deserving of that love...and tonight i met two girls, both looked into my eyes and saw something....we laughed, we touched, and both stopped short...there is this moment...you are flirting with someone and you know if you go one touch more, one step closer, the end result is waking up naked next to each other in the morning...but they both saw more then a one night stand in me....the first girl i could have shrugged off...sure whatever, shit happens she and I connected but timing wasnt right....but then the second girl, the intense sexual chemistry and then the sudden stop...she knew where it was leading and I wasnt going to stop it....I could have woke up tomorrow morning with a new girlfriend...a new lost cause...a new dead end and broken heart...but God changed fate, my destiny must be somewhere else....am i supposed to be so miserable and alone and unhappy so that making the move to Paris does happen, and I dont get comfortable and distracted and stay in a wrong place longer than I should...I believe in God, and i wonder why i have to be so unhappy...and sometimes I think all i will get is 1 day of happiness before it all gets taken away from me and I die...I will be 60 or 70 or 80, lived a long fucked up life and then finally fall in real love, get married, have a child, see her face smile back at me, my wife my daughter my loves, and than die...that was it...i really dont know, i dont know what is going to happen, but i have this very strong feeling that forces beyond my control are keeping me from being happy here....so I am looking forward to it...to whatever I am supposed to do and wherever I am supposed to be....I believe that someday I will be happily in love...i just wish it ws tomorrow and not so far away...