What is the point...I like to sit here and release my demons onto this thing...complain about all that is shity....and then move on in my life...so here is more shit I dont want fucking up my day....I feel like I am getting sick....my throat is closing up, I have a tickle in the back there I cant get rid of and I am coughing more and more....and my head has a slight pounding nausea effect going on right now....and my body feels soar...so sickness is approaching...if i can just ignore it until my day off it will be all good...sorta...other than that work is keeping my busy...I have to go soon....i hope I get done early, midnight maybe home by 130 sleep by 230 that will get me a good nights sleep before going to work tomorrow at 10am....6 day work week this week...but fri an sat off...that is strange...what will i do...I have been trying to get dates...but very unsuccessfully...I think I lost all my appeal...something has changed....it used to be much easier...meet a girl flirt a bit then everything just kinda happens....but lately everything just kinda falls apart...last friday was the worst night of my life....it really couldnt be worse for me as far as my relation with women goes...and since then other girls i was flirting with have cooled on me, the sparks didnt turn to flames and in fact just went away...
what is different about me? Do i still love sweden, i dont think so, it has been way too long...and I have had no contact with her, I think about her but I have no hope in that situation, it is a fond distant memory like a two week long "Before Sunset". So i hope deep down that is not pushing women away from me...maybe I am getting too old now...but the women i talk to are close to my age...
I am trying to live without love...but affection would be nice in the mean time...my heart is broken damaged and shattered to the core, my soul is beaten down and bruised quivering in a dark corner, and my mind is consumed with work....life has taken its toll on me, I cant change the past, I wasnt given the emotional support most successful happy people have had to be confident in themselves, they have an emotional place to goto when the shit gets hard and all u want to do is rest....I have to make it on my own, I have to push down the emotional criticism and rejection I am used to getting all my life...being loved and cared for is for other people...i have good friends sure, but none that truly know me or will be around for years to come...There is nothing I can change about my past, my hard wiring is dark and lonely...which is why i thirst for love and dont trust it...which is why i am hard to love and push it away...which is why i have to not care about it anymore, i have to learn to live without love...i was depressed all my childhood, i turned 23 or 24 had a revelation and realized love is all I needed, that someday i would meet a woman who would love me for who i am, and we would start a family and i would raise two beautiful girls, giving them all the love and support i never got...but now that dream is gone...i dont have that to hold onto anymore...
I have to go to work...that is all I have...a great job, lots of money, and a career i am great at...three things i couldnt care less about.
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