Still dont get it...

I avoided looking into her eyes…afraid to see something…I didn’t want a relationship…I didn’t want to get hurt again…I was having such a good time and she was leaving in the morning…I didn’t want to be love sick over a girl I would probably never see again…but there we were…and all is took was an instant….I saw something I had never seen in someone’s eyes before…something I fear I will never see again…

There is a different feeling you get when Love is real….Its more than butterflies and warm feeling when you see them…It’s more then personality chemistry…its more then common interests and views on life and mental compatibility….its more than physical attraction and sexual satisfaction…All those things put together mean nothing…A best friend at best….because Love comes from your soul, from the spirit inside you….Love is deeper than a feeling and emotions…It’s not just endorphins and hormones…it’s nothing you can imagine or know until you feel the real thing…until you look into someone’s eyes and deep inside your souls jump out of your bodies, they kiss, and dance and hug and entangle your spirits together intertwined in a connection deep and undeniable that nothing, Absolutely NOTHING else matters….

I had that…I lost it…I don’t want to say anything cruel…she didnt see in my eyes what i saw...and now the last thing I want is her back in my life…But when I see her my soul weeps uncontrollably….when I think about her my heart screams in pain…It is all I can do to keep her out of my head…she creeps into my thoughts and my guts cringe…She wont leave me alone…so I fill myself with any kind of distraction…I try to meet other people…ive met some smart beautiful girlz….some funny and kind women…hot women with their shit together and their eyes on me…and as she stares into my eyes losing herself in my soul I look deep into her eyes past the beauty past the kind heart, deep into her soul…and I realize I just made another friend…so what do you do…I am over the girl just not the feelings...but when i think about the first time my heart was broken when i was 19 that still hurts today...i dont think you ever lose that...

i bring this all up because i am constantly finding myself defending myself...trying to get people to understand why i act the way i do and do the things i do...the way i felt was different with my ex and with my first love...if you cant understand that you cant understand why moving forward doesnt involve losing the pain...this hurt i will carry with me forever...you never forget the first time your heart is broken and you never forget the ones that touch your soul...but everything i write or do isn't about them...the feelings i had may have been towards them but they are MY feelings...and now I am dealing with them...its just that to understand where one is going you have to know where one has been...like i say in my previous post...there is no such thing as destiny or fate, because you make choices all the time changing what could happen...its up to you to go after what you want and hope its what the universe wants too...right now i think god has a different idea for me...the universe wants me for other things...so just like i say in my next post....well you read it...