AGAINST A WALL

I am, I am hitting my head against a brick wall...there is this room I am trying to get into…but there is no door…I cant find it…everything inside me tells me I am supposed to be in that room….everyone around me is trying to get me to go another direction….and now I, I cant even…I am lost so fucking lost so fucking hurt so fucking confused so fucking annoyed so fucking misused so fucking hated so fucking empty so fucking angry so fucking tired so fucking much and I keep hitting my head against that fucking brick wall…I have spent my life, every action of it…when I breath I think of it….its in all I do…and I have spent my life wondering how is the impossible going to happen…given up, waiting to die, lost all hope, and with a flash begins a burn…and the wind puts out the flame…but the coals smolder and heat and the fire grows within…and is stocked…it rises from an ash and then the rain comes, and with it the cold and pain…I feel beaten and battered and betrayed….i can not trust life anymore…I have lost faith in all that can be…every step I take I take with fear….i am a helper carrying those around me…but my legs are tired and my feet cant find sure footing to depend on…I lay myself against that brick wall my hands pressed flat against the rough bricks and mortar my palms feeling for the warmth beyond it…my ear to the wall listening, my check scratching against it…my tears running down my face dripping on the wall…I imagine the room….i imagine it like a long warm true honest hug, that idea is so foreign to me…so far off…like a hug you only see in movies…they don’t really exist, do they? I could lay here against this wall and die…out in the cold darkness alone and uncared for…I can try again to get into that room…I could bang my head once more against that wall….i could walk away from it…I could fall asleep here and dream of being rescued, of finding my way into that room, of feeling that hug….maybe if I pick a different spot to bang into…maybe there is a different way to get in…another lock to pick a door to open sometime in the future…I wish I had hope…something to grasp onto…some truth….i lean against the wall my back pressed against it as I slide down crouching, gently tapping the wall with the back of my head my elbows knocking at the bricks….i don’t want to give up on this spot I don’t want to move I can sense the room from here…in a couple days maybe I will stand up face this wall and do something…I just don’t know what yet…