Am I a love martyr…are you cold…am I lost…why cant you love me back…am I not enough…do I cause you pain…am I not all you ever wanted…(i am not) I tried to give you everything you ever wanted…I woke you up from your slumber…showed you all you can be….all you can be is all I hope for you…do you not see me in all you are…I gave you the space and you filled it with another…I took it back when that space was still empty and yet you want another…my heart my soul lives in that space you keep pushing me out of…you keep pulling me into…you keep replacing me and I am still there…you hold me close…like a hug in a glass case you pull to when you cant find it in you…I am here when you need me…you discard me like a tired old song when you’ve heard it to many times over again…but when your new song doesn’t hit as hard, you play me again…you come back and tell me I am your jam…should I give up…should I move on as everyone tells me to...as you told me to do tonight…I feel like shit…I feel like shit when I am with you…I feel like shit on shit when I am away from you…those who don’t know love tell me love doesn’t treat me like this….maybe I don’t know love…99 friends told me I deserve better…I want to hear from the hundredth maybe she knows better…remember how you felt…what you do to me…ohh what you do to me…or is it what you wish you could have had…and I didn’t do…couldn’t do…a better idea from far but up close seems too real…am I a love martyr…I hope you get what you want…I hope you like what your getting…there are 99 ways to live life I a am living the hundredth…
3 comments:
"I woke you up from your slumber…" Yes a slumber. I was in a slumber of pain that I wasn't dealing with. You woke me up from that haze. Coming out here and being with you was wonderful!!!!!! You tried to give me everything, but I didn't want anything or need anything except that ..... I want to stop hurting. And in order to do that I need to do what my therapist says and be alone. By myself.... unlike most of my life where I was in a serious relationship. I need to deal with me. I need to go inside and deal with some very painful stuff. I am sorry .... I just can't take you with me. I am not getting what I want I can't even deal with what I want till I am able to be better. Are you a love martyr? Continuing to endure suffering at the expense of others ..... If you are suffering only you can stop it. You are a wonderful man. Those other 99 are looking out for you. Have you told them all. Have you told them of my afflictions? I am just curious to know if the audience knows all of this.
I try to tell everyone about your afflictions...i try to explain to all 99 of them and they all respond the same way, as if i am a fool...i see the difference in you when you are healthy and when you are afflicted...they dont know the difference, you are wonderful when healthy...that is the hundredth person i listen to...that person calls me, finds me, wants to be with me, loves me...that person knows she wants to be happy, better, to stop hurting, that person has no doubts, doesnt fear shes useing me, has fun with me, isn't angry...someday those 99 peeps will know her as i do...when that hundredth person finds peace...
So even considering my mental malfunctions... They still call you a fool and see me as evil. That's not good. Maybe I should be medicated. Maybe I should give up to drugs to alter my head. Maybe they are right..... But those 99 people are they without sin, with out mental afflictions, without lies and of all purity? If they are they can call you a fool and me evil or fucked up.
But I dont like being judged.... I am sure they don't either.
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