more about myself...

So I feel antagonized and prodded…I was wasted when I wrote my last three blogs…and no I don’t remember writing them…but I recognize exactly why and how I felt when I wrote them…i mean its our song isn't it, i was asked to listen to them...so i did and wrote as i did...I have the night off tonight…my first Saturday off in months…i hope I don’t do anything stupid….
So when I am single I tend to delve deep into myself and try to concentrate on becoming a well rounded person and understand why I do things…last time I was single I got into enneagrams…found out I am a giving, adventurous, romantic…but these days I have been more into psyche stuff…I wonder where my life would have been if I had the support around me that I needed when I was growing up…because I really like psychology and philosophy and anthropology…so I read up on these things and maybe the fact that all but one of my exes is or should be on mood enhancers and or antidepressants may encourage my interest in it too…so I know a bit about depression…and now I am getting into attachment disorders… I think its because of my caring and encouraging nature coupled with my dependence on someone to feel good that I attract woman with trouble here…I tend to become that missing parent they needed to support them and give them the things they need to grow up…problem for me is that because I am IN love with them I expect a different kind of relationship…they all told me they loved me but in the end they loved me for what I do for them and not for who I am…I think that is why me and my exes still talk…the same reason you still talk to your folks that where there for you…even though you grew up there are times when you still need someone to support you…and they all know I am always there for them…and I don’t think its just my exes but a lot of my female friends that I have had over the years treat me similarly...i am always making female friends…i understand why...

and so this kinda gets back to my main goal in life…why I do everything I do...where my happy place is…why i attract these woman and why they think they love me...and why these relationships fall apart....everyone has there different needs of support, independence, help, nurturing, and so forth...i know that i have to be able to take care of my girl...that is the person i am...but there is a balance to know my girl can take care of me when i need her...i think i keep finding girls who are not able to be there for me...and the relationship is so unbalanced...i hate the game of it all, the idea that fucking me is all i need to be happy...by just saying your my girlfriend makes it so...all is forgiven and forgotten...a complete lack of respect and understanding of my feelings...everyone of my exes have treated me that way...so i guess its something i am not doing right...i think this all takes more thought and introspection...

so anyway I have the night off…I am going to watch the sharks game at a bar and then go out dancing…I am happy and I hope it’s a fun night…