I had a fucking crazy panic attack earlier tonight…I’ve had them before…but I knew why I was having one…I knew why I was over stressed or had high anxiety…but in the last two weeks I’ve had them nearly nightly…most of them not full-blown…but tonight’s was the worst…complete full-blown all out going crazy cant control myself panic attack…and I wasn’t thinking about anything…it just came all of the sudden… I guess I’m stressing about shit more then I think…But mostly I think its cuz I have no release for my emotions…Bartending is very healthy for me…I get my social stimulus going…the constant flirting and ups and downs of every cocktail and the gratification of a job well done when your patrons leave happy and your pockets full…and I also haven’t played music in months…Music is the main way I get out all my stress…I need to go into a room play my guitar as hard and fast as I can and scream out my soul…without music I think I will die…and these panic attacks are signs that I cant survive without these things…I think they might be more important to me than love…
This is a groundbreaking new realization for me…I’ve always said that I can’t be happy until I’m cuddled around my wife and my two daughters…that being a father and husband is the definition of happiness for me…but now I know I need more then my girls to be happy…I have to have music and bartending or a job that is interactive like bartending…This is huge for me because in past relationships I would have a panic attack and thought that it was because my girlfriend couldn’t fill the void in my heart…I thought I was having a panic attack cuz i was love sick…but i havn't had love in a fucking long time…that usually causes panic attacks but it wasn't untill I stoped working and playing music that I started to feel realy shity...I am realizing that I need more than love to survive…
Love is no longer my only passion…Music and Entertaining folks are my passions…and as such my stress relief…and in all reality this doesn’t mean shit other than now I can be more honest with myself about what I need when shit gets bad…cuz even without love if I got Music and am Making Poeple happy...than I'm happy...
cuz Stress will always be a part of life…I will always have money problems, love sickness, insomnia, work stress, crowded grocery stores, social droughts, rejections, disappointing sports teams, bad haircuts, and shit just not going right…but now I know what makes me happy...dancing on bars and rocking out ;)
and LOVE {>
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