OK…it is obvious…I am a fucking basket case…I have fallen in Love with her…or is it that once I lost her I finally want her…so she loved me…and as I do, I did all that I could do to fuck it up…and it turns out I pushed all the right buttons and pulled all the right levers and did some irreversible tricks…and now I lost her love…she doesn’t look at me with those eyes…and now she doesn’t want to do anything for me…she is distancing herself from me and doubting if I deserve her…so I lost her…and now I want her back…and that maybe why I am in love with her now…cuz now I see all that she has done for me…
Point is I have fallen in love with her…and yet maybe its just that I lost her…what should I do…do I settle for her…settle for someone amazing…but someone that i cant figure out…I love who she is…I admire her and want everything she is and does…all except the shit from the last three weeks…but is it all my fault…is it real problems or me pushing buttons and pulling levers…
Ok so the point is why shouldn’t I marry her…I need her to be there for me to make a sacrifice for me, she treats me as a low priority in her life…but I believe when it really matters she would be there for me…should I be offended she doesn’t trust me and my words and experience, she treats me as if I am dumb, rolling her eyes at me and being curt and mean…but again she trusts me more than anyone else in her life...
When it comes down to it I pushed the buttons and pulled them levers and now she doesn’t look at me the same, she doesnt believe in me and in who she thought i was anymore…I got what my self hating miserable shit self does best…ok so now she sees me with all these flaws and fuckups…yah I fucked it up like I knew I would…
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