wookin pa nub...

Sorry I have been gone for so long…heartache is a bitch…I wrote a song about it ”heart ache” here it goes…”FUCK YOU FAT BITCH!” ….I hate heart ache…that bitch that heart ache is takes so much out of my life…but now months over the relationshipS…tired of all my exes…I find myself in love again…so fucking in love…its like my body knows it’s supposed to be happening again…the cycle has turned ,and now it’s time to care about somebody …to be doing things for someone, giving, caring, living…only thing is I haven’t met that someone just yet…October is a crazy month for me…Halloween tends to bring the freaks to me…but it’s always about Lust…staring deep into each others eyes and not giving a shit about the rest...too bad the rest always finds its way into our lives…to keep this entry short and sweet I must say one last thing…to whomever you are…my Love, I might not be ready yet, nor you…but I cherish your smile, and the way you look into my eyes…your support and caring….all those things you bring to my life, all that gives me reason to do, to touch, to feel, to fill my passions in life…I have no faith or hope we will ever meet…but I will always love you.

something is better than nothing but nothing beets the real thing...

There is nothing here I have to say….no words here I have to write…no sentences left for me to put together…I am empty….more so I am at an end….I am traveling in the dark no wind on my face but its cold as shit…it feels like all things are at zero…I have tones of energy burning in my pocket…and a passion for things waiting to fuel the fire…and there I am a kid in a blind fold with a donkey tail in my hand but I hear nothing…I am on an island in the middle of nowhere, and so I built a bridge, but it doesn’t connect to me…arms out stretched reaching for anything to grab onto to lead me my way, but I lost trust and hope, I have no faith that I am not just walking in circles, that I will find that jack ass or pin that fucking tail…but I refuse to stand still…I trip I fall I stumble and hurt myself over and over again, but I have to keep going…my heart has a huge hole in it, its been beaten and abused and I wear it on my sleeve, I put it out there like a glass slipper, and its my soul that rides around slipper in hand searching peoples eyes like doors to their souls…my mind is tired, tired of caring what you think, tired of riding around in the dark…tired of all the talk and disappointment…so there it is, in this place again…

here is to tomorrow

So Saturday night sucked…I ended up at some shity bar in the richmond and then I locked myself out of my house…and no one was home…I had my work keys and thinking eventually one of my roommates would get home soon I went to my work to be warm take a piss and wait…the cleaning crew was there all night long blasting some shity ass music and gossiping all night…so im sitting out there in the lounge trying to sleep and waiting for someone to call me back and I got nothing until noon the next day…it fucking sucked…so eventually I get in my bed and try to sleep...lord of the rings was on and so was star wars…so I was going back and forth napping here and there all evening until I get a buzz to head out to the bar…so I am hoping to have a good night to make up for last night and on the way there I get kicked in the gut…not literally but that’s what it felt like…so I am at the bar and I cant shake it…I hate how I cant control my emotions sometimes…I am in love with a girl who doesn’t want me…and my friends are making me talk about it and that just makes it all worse…I appreciate the support but I need distractions…the best thing for me is to try to fill my life with other things, other thoughts…so the night sucked…I am sober…my heart hurts…I am hungry but have no fucking appetite…i just want to crawl in bed and cuddle…but instead I will probably be up all night writing, thinking, fighting the urge to text everyone…I am sorry friends for that…you are filling a void for me…one of the things I miss most…talking so much she had to change phone plans…maybe that’s why I keep blogging…so much to say and no one up to say it to…I got to go…

more about myself...

So I feel antagonized and prodded…I was wasted when I wrote my last three blogs…and no I don’t remember writing them…but I recognize exactly why and how I felt when I wrote them…i mean its our song isn't it, i was asked to listen to them...so i did and wrote as i did...I have the night off tonight…my first Saturday off in months…i hope I don’t do anything stupid….
So when I am single I tend to delve deep into myself and try to concentrate on becoming a well rounded person and understand why I do things…last time I was single I got into enneagrams…found out I am a giving, adventurous, romantic…but these days I have been more into psyche stuff…I wonder where my life would have been if I had the support around me that I needed when I was growing up…because I really like psychology and philosophy and anthropology…so I read up on these things and maybe the fact that all but one of my exes is or should be on mood enhancers and or antidepressants may encourage my interest in it too…so I know a bit about depression…and now I am getting into attachment disorders… I think its because of my caring and encouraging nature coupled with my dependence on someone to feel good that I attract woman with trouble here…I tend to become that missing parent they needed to support them and give them the things they need to grow up…problem for me is that because I am IN love with them I expect a different kind of relationship…they all told me they loved me but in the end they loved me for what I do for them and not for who I am…I think that is why me and my exes still talk…the same reason you still talk to your folks that where there for you…even though you grew up there are times when you still need someone to support you…and they all know I am always there for them…and I don’t think its just my exes but a lot of my female friends that I have had over the years treat me similarly...i am always making female friends…i understand why...

and so this kinda gets back to my main goal in life…why I do everything I do...where my happy place is…why i attract these woman and why they think they love me...and why these relationships fall apart....everyone has there different needs of support, independence, help, nurturing, and so forth...i know that i have to be able to take care of my girl...that is the person i am...but there is a balance to know my girl can take care of me when i need her...i think i keep finding girls who are not able to be there for me...and the relationship is so unbalanced...i hate the game of it all, the idea that fucking me is all i need to be happy...by just saying your my girlfriend makes it so...all is forgiven and forgotten...a complete lack of respect and understanding of my feelings...everyone of my exes have treated me that way...so i guess its something i am not doing right...i think this all takes more thought and introspection...

so anyway I have the night off…I am going to watch the sharks game at a bar and then go out dancing…I am happy and I hope it’s a fun night…

blogging a lot these days

So I don’t remember writing my last two blogs…I am drunk and probably wont remember writing this one…So I know my exes read my blog….and so I censor the things I put up here cuz I don’t want them to think just cuz I miss love means I miss them….but they know more than anybody what we had is over….but the thing is that we have affected each other in deep ways…and I love that…you cant grow without suffering…and we all did in our own way…part to me and part to you part to someone else…but not all…i met this girl who is exactly like one of my exes and it trips me out…I look at her and I feel like I know now that I am in such a different place then I was when I was love lost for her…I am glad to make that new friendship it feels good….i am still in contact with some of my exes and I still love them all…I want so much for them to find themselves to live their lives and do well…but its always hard for me to let go…I feel like a farther that wont let his little girl grow up…its sad but true…and so I have this ex that is completely lost and I keep going back trying to give her anything I can do to help her accomplish what i know she wants to do but cant find the way and at the same time I am trying not to lead her on…and I have my friends telling me its not my responsibility to help her, and she doesn’t want my help…the point is that I put up in my blogs the loss of love I feel the passion of life I have and the want for me from what I had…and I do this cuz I know you all feel the same fucking way at one point in your life…you all have broken a heart here and there…it sucks but it has to be done sometimes…and there it is heartbreak and guilt…but I don’t hide it cuz it might make someone feel bad…I take ownership for my actions…here it is and I am no longer holding back…yes I hurt you yes you hurt me…truth is I fucked over my ex I used her I played her and the I did it again…and I feel bad about it…and I am always trying to make good on my fuck up…but I don’t blame her for not talking to me…I miss her…but if I see her again and look into her eyes all I would want to do is kiss her…even though its not from the heart…because my heart is not connected to her anymore…it is affected by her and grown because of her but it is no longer hers to have…being in love with someone who is not IN love with you sucks…its happened to me a few times…I’ve done it…it most likely happened to you…but the possibility for mutual love is real…its not guaranteed but it not impossible either…I own this blog…it is about Bridget…it is about Lynn…it is about Kelly…it is about April…it is about Tracy…its about Luci..its about Chey..it about George...its about Jessie...its about Mitch...ts about Josh...its about EV...its about Eric, Maria. Jason, Dave...its about all those fuckers who tell me there heartbreak stories and thier quest for finding love...i take from you all and write it...and its all about myself…same as all the rest…but you already know i dont play...RIGHT

this is my sing

its 7 am and all i want is not love...the fact is the last hing i want is love....all i want is to be....i am living a world turning the days around...as if and there it is..i have fun when i am doing the things that i like doing and so do you...so there i am a person doing the things i like to do and wondering why i am not doing them with someone who likes doing the things i like to do....that is the hard part...its like i dont like you but i like everything about you....and there you are...there i am....she sees me as a cool dude but there is no love...just cuz it ll makes sense doesnt mean it all is real...i dont care anymore...i am worth doing something for so do something

Sing along with me...

...so here i am...i imagine what it is like to be a homeless person standing outside a burger shack watching the people eat when i am so fuckin starving...i am tired of people telling me how great of a guy i am and how much i fucking deserve...i surround myself with good people we all deserve happiness...we all are searching for a rock to stand on...air to breath...but then there you are not taking the steps you know you should take....i know where i want to be in life and its so fucking hard to get there because i wont do what it takes to be there....i want so much and yet i cant get myself to do it....and i ask god why....why do i suffer...and it all points to me...i want someone to just know what i need...to have it and want to give it to me...i feel like a misused tool...a screwdriver being used as a hammer...sure i can do the job but thats not what i am meant for...i am happy for my friends....they keep me going...but this is my city...this is my home....i am not traveling through trying to find myself....so kill me now...i have nowhere else to go....and yet with every message sent to lust i know i am nothing....my ow my i cant stop....but the ribbons have lost their sent...and all i have to hold onto is rejection....and the realization that the last person texted was...well it aint me....but not everything is as it seems....like the song says..your so vain you think this song is about you....well maybe the blog is about you...maybe its not...but when i look i see what could have been despite what was...its whatever you like...and now how you felt yesterday is not how you feel today...things change...love fades....and i am tired of being used for sex...i am tired of one night stands and misplaced affections....so whatever dont stop....i am not trying to cage you up...i am not a keeper...and when i call and dont get an answer trust holds me true....cuz sometimes i need to walk my own way...and so i act like a jackass...no one gets the reason why i do the things i do....and my eyes stare into space...wondering...remembering that moment...its more than then fire in my blood...its like lightning through my soul...its chaos...but to hear those words form you...to think you are ready to say those words and i am ready to hear them....its sweet...a thing of dreams...but this is not real....its old and faded...and taken over by mindless bohunks and fat phobes....your songs say so much to me....but i cant keep listening to them....its like forgiveness is easy forgetting is foolish...cuz feeling sorry for what you did does not change anything...i do believe in rehabilitation but also in punishment...i want to atone for my mistakes to offer up a reason why me fuckups should be forgotten to pay the price...i just wish i knew how and to who....i am sick and tired of being sick and tired...my life is always missing that one word...IN...the game is over and i am no longer playing...

CONGRATS TO REAL LOVE

I am very comfortable in my own skin....i know what i am doing and i know what i need to do to get where i want to be...but i keep running into brick walls...the wave beneath me keeps crashing out from under me....something inside me drives me to want to help people...to promote growth and love and happiness...i keep finding people who need something in their lives and i keep trying to fulfill those needs...there is no back motive in it for me but when i do these things i feel like there is this pay-it-forward effect going on...its nice to help people but eventually they wont want my help anymore...and i feel emptied...sometimes a feel frustrated cuz i couldnt help enough...but in the end i overstay my welcome...and the frustration, the rejection, the lose, all leave me trying to hold on to a lost cause...but eventually i find myself comfortable and content in all things me...i am never really looking for anything... i have no real plans...where exactly I end up in life is undetermined…because I feel so much of that depends on you…everyone changes and as every life experience changes you and me…then your decisions change…anything is possible if you let it happen…So I am on my way to wish a friend happy birthday and bon voyage…and I couldn’t be more happy for her…for living her life and making things happen…and to the true love her and her man have found and will celebrate tonight....

Stupid insomnia

I have found that I like dark stories…my favorite kind of movies are dark….i hate Hollywood endings…I understand why they exist but I hate it….like the end of closer where Alice doesn’t die…it ruins the whole movie or the end of stranger then fiction…i just don’t like it…life doesn’t work out all the time….everyone wants to think people get what they deserve….there is no fact to that…sure there is nothing attractive about the way I feel these days…but I don’t care…its nearly five in the morning…what do I care about anything at this time…my mind feels like a slice of warm pie without the ice cream…I went out the other night with the exact intent to find a quite place to smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink enough beer to be able to pass out later…that’s all I wanted to do…unfortunately some old dude was intent on sucking my dick and would not leave me alone…so I let him buy me some drinks as he told me of how he just got dropped from an 8 year relationship and hasn’t had the desire for sex in years…and as he told me all I could think was how little I cared but at least I didn’t have to think about the homophobic short out of shape womanizer my replacement is...but I have to laugh cuz she is already flirting with someone else behind his back…its always greener on the other side I guess…but none of that has anything to do with me anymore...and just then he asks me if I thought the bartender was wearing a toupee…I sad no way it just looks weird...who wears those…apparently the bartender does and the old dude went on about how unattractive the fat hairy beast is…I felt better….sure we were two heart broken sad single dumped schmucks but at least we weren’t prancing around in a hair piece or looked like a fatter hairy Britney Spears on a binge with absolutely nothing remotely attractive about us, as he put it….so I let him buy me one last shot before going my own way…to end up at another bar feeling good enough to shoot a smile to the mission chic in her tight jeans dark hair and faded brand new guns and roses shirt…of coarse all I got back was a cold wince…I forget I don’t have the right uniform for the role of love interest in her life…tattoos, deconstructed professionally styled hair, spacers in my ears, and dingy looking dark clothes…I hate uniforms…so with my soul back in check its last call…my pack nearly empty and my body saturated with enough booze to pass out I go home…so I didn’t get exactly what I wanted out of the night but things ended up fine just the same…hmmm is that a happy ending…whatever

Still dont get it...

I avoided looking into her eyes…afraid to see something…I didn’t want a relationship…I didn’t want to get hurt again…I was having such a good time and she was leaving in the morning…I didn’t want to be love sick over a girl I would probably never see again…but there we were…and all is took was an instant….I saw something I had never seen in someone’s eyes before…something I fear I will never see again…

There is a different feeling you get when Love is real….Its more than butterflies and warm feeling when you see them…It’s more then personality chemistry…its more then common interests and views on life and mental compatibility….its more than physical attraction and sexual satisfaction…All those things put together mean nothing…A best friend at best….because Love comes from your soul, from the spirit inside you….Love is deeper than a feeling and emotions…It’s not just endorphins and hormones…it’s nothing you can imagine or know until you feel the real thing…until you look into someone’s eyes and deep inside your souls jump out of your bodies, they kiss, and dance and hug and entangle your spirits together intertwined in a connection deep and undeniable that nothing, Absolutely NOTHING else matters….

I had that…I lost it…I don’t want to say anything cruel…she didnt see in my eyes what i saw...and now the last thing I want is her back in my life…But when I see her my soul weeps uncontrollably….when I think about her my heart screams in pain…It is all I can do to keep her out of my head…she creeps into my thoughts and my guts cringe…She wont leave me alone…so I fill myself with any kind of distraction…I try to meet other people…ive met some smart beautiful girlz….some funny and kind women…hot women with their shit together and their eyes on me…and as she stares into my eyes losing herself in my soul I look deep into her eyes past the beauty past the kind heart, deep into her soul…and I realize I just made another friend…so what do you do…I am over the girl just not the feelings...but when i think about the first time my heart was broken when i was 19 that still hurts today...i dont think you ever lose that...

i bring this all up because i am constantly finding myself defending myself...trying to get people to understand why i act the way i do and do the things i do...the way i felt was different with my ex and with my first love...if you cant understand that you cant understand why moving forward doesnt involve losing the pain...this hurt i will carry with me forever...you never forget the first time your heart is broken and you never forget the ones that touch your soul...but everything i write or do isn't about them...the feelings i had may have been towards them but they are MY feelings...and now I am dealing with them...its just that to understand where one is going you have to know where one has been...like i say in my previous post...there is no such thing as destiny or fate, because you make choices all the time changing what could happen...its up to you to go after what you want and hope its what the universe wants too...right now i think god has a different idea for me...the universe wants me for other things...so just like i say in my next post....well you read it...