absolutly nothing to do with everything...

There are times in ones life when everything seems so distant - the job you want - the partner you want - the life you want - sometimes it feels like you may never get those things - sometimes it feels like your just two steps to achieving it all - I am scared of October - it has always been a month of transition for me - Fall going into Winter - sure we don't have traditional seasons here in SF - but there R noticeable changes - so this year I have stayed in a lot - living a hermits life afraid to live - what would happen to me if I fell into someone's arms tonight - what if I got what I want - the idea is fucking frightening - I am a straight guy who regulars gay bars - why? - because nothing can happen there - sure a few times I stumbled into the straight girl - but she's never there looking for love - it's still safe - I guess I am a slacker - waiting for something to happen - that life changing moment that you end up forgetting about years later when you look back and say - I did it - If that moment exists - I am afraid of it - but I also dream about it - One week left in October - one year it happened on Halloween the last fucking day - this year maybe nothing will happen - I write blogs because I have to communicate - I know only a couple peeps read it but I don't care if no one did - blogging is like masturbation - it's nice to get the release but you just feel empty afterwards -