Just found my journal from 1995 the year of my first heartbreak…and in it I go from madly in love to homeless and heartbroken….and as I read, I find that nothing has changed except I am now absolutely different…two more heartbreaks later and I find myself fearful, guarded, and just as lost and lonely as I was at 19yrs old…If only there were a way to know if the person u love also loves u for real…three heart breaks all cuz the grass was greener on the other side….well it was more like two heartbreaks and a couple girls I thought I could be in love with forever and both dumped me to be free to flirt with someone else…anyway, my heart rejected, beaten, stabbed, stomped on, lied to, neglected, repeatedly used as I was so in love with someone who didn’t love me back….i now my heart in pieces with layers of deep wounds and scabbed over from all the abuse, my soul has built a very large thick wall to protect it….
So the last thing I needed was to find love again, to care about someone, to have someone act like she cares about me…my heart cant take it…it cant take the eventual rejection…as a man in his mid thirties I do the “high fidelity” thing and go through how I fucked up my past relationships…and it all comes down to, I was IN LOVE with someone who loved me…and why was I so IN LOVE, the first was maybe cuz she was the first and I had no idea what it meant to have someone love u and care about u…so I fell IN Love with her…the last one, was because I was lied to, she said all the right things sincerely, we talked for hours, and she truly thought she LOVED me, but it was only love…I still don’t really know why I fell so fucking hard…was it a reaction to the prior rejections, I was just so fucking hungry for true LOVE I fell for the first girl who cared about me…and then I refused to let it go, half out of pride half from lust and envy of lovers….in the end I fell out of love and moved on….and that left me as I am now, I Lost my faith in TRUE REAL LOVE….
Today is a new day, my faith waves in and out....my heart has no resentment...cautiously i walk ahead careful not to repeat my mistakes...maybe i had to suffer so much in order for me to be able to recognize something real when it finds me...maybe now i can trust true love cuz i am familiar with the tricks my heart plays...i didnt learn the lessons the first time, i guess i am a slow learner...but i believe now, even though my faith flutters, I am wiser and stronger, i will no longer dismiss the small things, my heart has it's demands, it craves someone up to the challenge, and it desires a challenge it self...slow is not easy...and time is counted in years, not decades...but i know i am worth it...
No comments:
Post a Comment