I am falling…I am loving…I am lost…I am testing…I am learning…I am challenging…I am not being disappointed…I am falling….
My heart wont let me…it wont fall in love again…it refuses to listen , to open up and let go…my heart tells me she is fooled…she is infatuated….she is intoxicated in the deep everything that u are….and how is that such a rare select group of strange women fall so deep so quickly, intensely, and seemingly sincerely, with me….is it that the love was real but the girl was not worthy or right…or was the love fabricated and the girl too smart to make this mistake…I wait, in anxiety, for someone who can understand me, understand my pain….understand my craziness and point out my shit…I feel love…I feel anxiety she will leave me…I feel dissatachment so I cant get hurt…my heart refuses to recognize, to accept, to allow her love to enter my space…she is amazing and yet not perfect…but oh so undeniable….and yet I feel like that some day she will wake up from this dream…she will see the nightmare that I am…we will see how much better she can do…she will see something so much easier and hotter and closer that can be all that she wants and more. And I will become a memory.
I feel it already happening…all it takes is one failed day…one day to not be so supper…for the high to waver and the endorphins to simmer…for my stay to be a bit too long and my longing a bit to desperate…just one moment for her to look with her mind and not her heart and see how boring and lame I really am…how needy and smothering I have become…just one moment for her to want to step back and reclaim herself…to push me away, to put down the drug and come back to reality…in reality I am nothing more than a overly super nice guy who in the long run is not what you really wanted…my heart is right not to let myself fall in love…my heart will not be hurt again…I can feel her slipping away already, and there is nothing I can do about it…soon the lover she thought I could be will turn into the friend she hopes she can keep…my heart has no part in this anymore…
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