My life is a rerun of 1984

Last night I dreamt about the first girl I ever had a crush on. I was back in High school in my dream – A tsunami hit our high school and me and Julie just barely missed it – I decided to walk her home and along the way we talked – it felt nice because in reality we never talked in high school – by then we had moved on to different clicks and stopped being friendly – but this was a dream and in it she invited me over to hang out – The funny thing is that even in my dreams I could tell this relationship was going nowhere – I woke up remembering Julie and realized that relationship defines my entire life of relationships – I met her when I was 8 in the third grade – Recalling the third grade I realize that year is the same fucking shit I keep reliving over and over my entire life – all that I had to learn happened for me that one year

I remember vividly the first day we saw the new house in Fair Oaks. It was Easter Sunday and I was seven – I awoke in our Rancho Cordova house very excited cause it was Easter and the Easter bunny hid a present for me somewhere in the house – So as soon as I awoke I ran all over the house looking – I checked all the usually places, behind the couch, under the bed, in the closets, but I found nothing – so I started looking everywhere, in the cupboards, in the garage, out in the yard, on the roof, - I tried to get my brothers to help – their response was cold “You know there is no Easter bunny now shut up” – Of coarse I knew there really wasn’t a bunny and there isn’t a Santa either and I still get presents on Christmas - So what the fuck happened? – I realized there is nothing hidden for me and I started to cry – My parents eventually asked me what’s wrong and I reluctantly told them in some child like way – they told me I didn’t get anything cuz I was too old for the Easter Bunny – and maybe I was but I didn’t care it still hurt –

So after church my parents took the family to go see the new house – it was a huge step up from our last place – and as I’m checking out the house my mom tells me to go look in what will be my room – I wondered why cuz I already looked in there – but I went to check it out again and what do you know laying there in the empty room was a present – I guess my mom ran off to the store that morning after my fit then she snuck my present in there – it wasn’t anything special – I remember it was actually a kinda lame toy – but it didn’t matter cuz I was happy, it felt warm that they loved me so much to go through the trouble to make me feel better - but I also felt guilty for making my parents do this for me – I was already at seven finding it hard to receive gifts - I felt like I didn’t deserve the present cuz I only got it after I cried – I didn’t know how to act – I still don’t

That first year of my life in that house defined a lot about who I am – beginning with the first time I saw it on Easter and even the first day I moved in and met Allison the neighbor girl.