How wrong was I….it has come to my attention that I have picked up more of my fathers arrogance then I had hoped to….now I have to learn how to recognize my pridefulness and learn to have more humility….at least in my social life that is….its the role of my eyes when I think someone is being dumb that I need to control….its all instinct, I never think about it, but it happens…and lately happens more than I like it too…it could be because I’ve been baby-sitting the last couple weeks…its a bit ironic since I look forward to being a father someday and yet now I am very irritated by the immaturity of my house guest…but I think the main problem is that I am not ready to invest any part of myself into any kind of relationship, weather a helping sincere friendship, a shallow lustful fling, or a true romance….my soul and heart are not fully healed and ready….truly I’ve never felt so little towards the opposite sex then I have these days….and as much as I don’t want to be alone, being with someone is not possible either….i have to remind myself its only been three months since I last was with my ex ….and yes it was a BAD idea to continue sleeping with my ex in this situation, sometimes it can happen, this was not one of those times, sometimes you can be friends with your ex, this was not one of those either….it cant happen if you both are relationship happy and well matched, so we dragged it on and on, it's like wanting to take a a five minute break when your exhausted, but you dont want to fall asleep cuz its just not the right time, but you get in bed and rest your eyes, telling yourself you wont nap, you just need to rest five minutes...then your all warm and comfy and your head starts to feel heavy, and before you know it you lost control and fell asleep, thats us, we liked to be with each other but always ended up falling asleep despite wanting to just cuddle….and now i feel bad for thinkin about her, wanting those good feelings again...secretly hoping for another drunkin booty call, a chance to try to be friends again, even wondering if we can date again, these stupid thoughts in my mind, i feel so fucking dumb for letting them back into my life, for not being able to forget her....but yes its only been just over three months, not very long...so its ok for me to miss her….its ok for me to not be ready yet….at least I got that rebound shit out of the way…went wild and had some fun….but that is definitely over now….now I need to move on forward some more, try to realize what I am becoming….i am trying to become the man my future needs me to be….
1 comment:
ThoSe are not stupid thoughts. What if the other person is thinking the same thing? It's too soon since it's only been three months. Maybe u should wait for the new year and see what it brings .... Like if u 2 could be friends again. Sounds like you two were close just bad timing.
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