the consequence of passionate love...

There is a thing about love stories…chick flicks if you will…most guys just don’t get them…when we sit around and talk rarely do you here us talk about love…it is unusual to here a guy tell another to stick with a chick when things get crazy in a relationship…often you here a guy say something like “girls are all crazy” or “you just got to be mean to them and tell them how it is. they like that, turns them on” and “I know what your talking about I had a girl like that, shit happens, relationships suck, its hard when you break up but you’ll get over it” …fact is I don’t have many married friends out here in the city…none of these guys know how I feel…and my gay friends have no clue about how woman are…I was the same way…not the mean part but I believed maybe marriage happened when you “settle” you quit “sowing the oats” and find a girl hot and cool enough to end “the game” with…shit maybe I am too nice and trusting…maybe I am not mean enough to keep a girl...but I have the passion of true real love…I watched love movies and wondered how does a person act like that its so unrealistic to think someone would do those things to be so passionate…to forgive so quickly to extend such compassion to do the things guys do in movies that make no sense…they are movies and seem so unrealistic the actions men take because of movie love…they are what they are…and now I know that kind of love…I watch those movies and I get it…I understand why a man would go through those kind if lengths for a woman…the sacrifices the choices the caring…I understand the motivations it takes to do those things…I feel that kind of love…I am willing to do those things…never have I known a love like what I feel now…and yet I have been betrayed by my love…I have been lied to…I have been used…I am in love with a girl who doesn’t love me…and in the last few months that love has hurt me…and I wonder why I love her so much…why do I continue letting her treat me so…in love movies I wonder which guy I am…am I the one that leads her to her real love…am I the one she is supposed to end up with…is she the one to lead me to my real love…is she my end or my beginning…this is not a movie…real life is so mush more grey…and it takes so mush longer than two hours to wrap up…but I understand that kind of love…now I feel like I have given all the chances I can give…and its time for someone to chase me…someone to tell me they love me and cant live without me…I am the one hurt by love waiting for my love to decide on me…to do that something special to convince me our love is true…to find me and hug me…my dreams betray me…my desires cloud my judgment…but its my passion for love that keeps me alive…my passion for true love that I live and wait for…and my passion is fueled by my love…there is only one woman who can satisfy this passion…and yet its crushed by her…she broke her promise to me…and now that passion is…its…confused…hurt...dyeing…waiting…asking for a true a hug…real passionate love in return…

Lets Duet...

So today is the first day we havnt communicated in almost a year...now this is the most miserable day of my life

This isnt just another breakup...its not a case of a two people splitting ways and moving on...this wasnt a "just for now" relationship turning into a "that was then"...not for me...she isnt just another girl in a line of relationships as i try to figure life out....its an accepted idea to be single in the city...with so many possibilities its hard to stay focused and not wonder what else is out there....no this is not a breakup i can force myself to get over and move on from...i found out what real true love is...i mean every relationship i had in the past felt nothing like this does...its like you meet someone and theres a connection somewhere...either your physically attracted either sexually or intellectually...or your souls intertwine and connects you like long lost friends you feel for without even knowing....or your heart leaps out your chest for a person embracing and being embraced by lovely endorphins...you start off with one of those connections and see where it goes...date a bit...in hopes that maybe that one connection could grow into all three....and then along the way something happens...you lose the connection...or one of you sees something shinier on the other side of the fence...or you just realize your relationship isnt gonna develop into the true heart, body, and soul love....

I remember the moment my soul bonded with hers...it knew there was something the first moment we met on the sidewalk near mecca...then in my kitchen on pride....we were talking and i felt that something as if we've known each other for lifetimes and now we were catching up...our first night we physically intellectually connected talking all night as we third wheeled Chey that Monday night...my mind found its balance...she has it all...she loves to talk and loves to listen...she loves to laugh and as a great sense of humor...i could go on forever about the things i love about her...and she is the picture of beauty my mind had always imagined...we couldn't resist each other...she went back home to ohio and we couldnt deny our connections...and over the phone my heart fell in love with her...the things she did for me...the loving she shared with me our hearts melted together....

For nearly a year i talked to her in some way every day...for nine months we spent only one night apart...this was not the cause for the demise of our relationship...i want to spend every night for the rest of my life with her i want to speak to her every day until i die...this is because our love is connected in a way i have no control over...my mind cant convince my heart to stop loving...my soul cant convince my mind to give up...my heart will not quite my soul from yearning...my entire being is dedicated to her happiness and bathing in her joy...

the causes for the demise of our relationship is a number of things...and i pray we can overcome them...

So not i dont feel single cuz love like this cant just be forgotten...love like this i cant just lose and move on from...i cant suppress it and try to be friends...i cant imagine myself with anyone else...and no this will not change because love like this does not come everyday...love like this you never know exists until you feel it yourself...and unless youve felt it you just dont know what i am going through...i am not heart aching i am not a hopeless romantic clinging on to shattered dreams...i am a person who has found the meaning to life the happy in my happiness...the woman of my dreams....there is no one else...and lost it...i lost her...feels like i died...my heart...my body....my soul.

I am fucked...

AWHILE BACK AGO AT MARINE WORD

Me and Kelley went to Marine world in V-town like a month ago...

On the Madusa...it was a good ride...we went on most of them twice...the park was empty so we didnt have to wait in lines..i fucking love that...

a cheetah...it just passed back and forth along that fence...like it was insane...very freaky...
The tigers...we got there late in the day so we missed all the shows...but got to see these guys hangin about...

The Lions cage...this pimp had about five bitches hangin around...they just lounged there all day...
The shark walk...
I think I see a phuussy Cat...

Why do marsions where skirts?

The horny geeks of the sea....

This dude wanted to eat me...i know it...
whateves...
I think this guy was laying in the same spot when I came here 15 years ago...

Not the one that killd that croc guy...
Me and Kelley...we had fun...wasting away a hot summer day...

I LOVE HER....

I guess Im just a hopeless romantic...

So i have to say...my feelings can be very intoxicating...I know what it feels like to be deprived of true emotional connection in a relationship then have someone come along and give you what youve been thirsting...and so you drink it up...taking giant gulps of it cuz your cravings for it have been so strong...I know how it feels...i've felt it all my life...from the lack of what I needed in a relationship to the lack of love from my family....I know the thirst and I know the exhilaration of finding someone who can give you what you need...I've lived my life of being there for people providing them with the love that they crave...and then having them fill up to the brim to where they nearly explode...like drowning from drinking too much water...then they take a step back, their bellies full...and with their hunger fed they pull away...and then feeling better about them selves they move on...and sometimes come back when they need more...and I stupidly let them...i crave it too...and I have struggled with trying to be honest with myself...trying to know the difference between true love and not...trying to be true to my emotions and not let people take advantage of me...
and when I met her i wasn't thirsting...I didnt crave love...she just found me...and maybe it was her thirst found me...she saw in my eyes a soul that can give her what she craved... The things she said to me the way that she is...her way of living the things she loves to do...her spirit...her words...and mostly, what I pray to god is genuine, her love for me...it all made me believe she was different...I know I gave her the love she thirsted but I hoped that she also loves me, not just the way i make her feel...
I fucking know I haven't known her very long...I know this all seems so fucking crazy...i've fucked up my life doing stupid things for loves sake...I've made dumb mistakes because i thought i was loved...I try very hard not to fall in those same traps...I know myself and my emotions to believe this is different...I know what i feel for her is different...i have never felt for someone what i feel for her...i know I love her...I dont need to know her for months to figure that out...the extent of that love well...i know I want to to learn everything about her and experience so many things with her...I also know life is an adventure and you can never expect things to just work out...you have to make it work...but you also cant force it...and that is the last thing I want to do...i never want her to do or say or act in anyway that is not natural to her for my sake...because love for me doesnt work that way...love cant be made to happen...it cant be slowed or sped up...it cant be ignored or amplified...you can be confused with infatuation...but infatuation is like puddy...easily manipulated and unstable...love is strong and its either there or not...to be grown or wither and die...
but I know she is going through a tough time...several major changes in her life...I know she is going to be afraid and have doubts about everything...i understand if she might need time away from my intoxicating feelings to clear her mind...maybe that will help lower the stress in her life...I dont want her to do things because she is afraid of hurting me if she didnt do them...all i ask is honesty and to be true with your emotions...I know somedays love is stronger than other days...it wavers in the wind sometimes undeniable sometimes full of doubt...but as long as it is there, between us...this connection...I cant be hurt...cuz love is felt much deeper than anything else...when it is true...

for me...i dont know how to tell if love is true or not...can it be true before two people even meet...laying dormant until the two souls finally meet...waiting for two hearts to find each other and than grow...from infatuation to being deeply deeply in love...I think true love can be like that...soul mates if you will...I guess I am a romantic...maybe a fool...but i believe in it...and someday I hope I learn how to tell when love is true or not...

The other day at the beach...

Ohio here I come...

Fun in Oakland...

Last night....shit happened....
talking to my Ohio girl...

Royalty featuring Birthday boy Ronnie on bass...


Me sneaking into the pic with Jessi and Maria...
Posing with some lovely ladies.....

Things to do today: - feel loved...check

So after Mecca closed I hit a strange bottom...not like any I had before...it wasnt cuz I lost a job or had my heart broken....no I was getting paid and my heart was sleepin contently....it wasnt cuz my ball of string was getting out of control and the laundry list of neglected responsibilities were overwhelming my life...although the string was unraveling...no i was having serous panic attacks from plain old boredom and stress about the unknown future of everything...i had no idea when or if I would work again...my band was going nowhere...and my love life was down to a frequent uninteresting booty call...
Then it happened...without warning or expectation...I found my soul mate...no...seriously...I found someone who is perfect in every fucking way...i was tripping over my lethargic life...suffocating under the uncertainty of everything...when I looked down...down from my stoop and saw an angel carrying the end of my string...winding it up and bringing it to me...unbeknown to her...she has already changed my life...ounce i was a red tie in a closet of brown suits...i wondered what person in their right mind would accept someone who shit talked as much as I do...someone as cynical and consistently sarcastic as I am...and yet i make her happy...just by doing what makes me happy...everything I ever thought about love and settling down and finding a lover has changed...I though I had experience in falling in love..knowledge about making a relationship work...well its all bullshit...the rules have changed...those past waves dont compare...this ocean I am swimming in is endless...I know Ive only known her for about a month...but you just cant know what Im talking about until you know for yourself...I feel like I am in a dream...and I fucking hope I never wake up...

4th of July in SF

SO I watched the works from a house in the Castro hills...the view of the city is amazing...but as for watching the works it was ok...here's some pics...