It doesn't matter anymore....what one was supposed to do...where one should be....love.....there is none.....there will never be.....truth....how we fit...where life is....what I was made for....
I  will be in Paris next week.... this joke will soon be over....i have no reason...I was never loved...and now I am addicted to it...and in such I will never be able to have it....never.

Wasting time....

So....I am doing this celibate thing....zombiefied....my heart is dead it no longer beats...yet I still walk n talk and drink....drink....and  boooze.....
So anyway....I found out I am addicted to love....I have a crazy reaction to it where I will do anything and put up with anything and sacrifice everything for it.....and I used to think that was love...that was what I wanted from someone else that kind of dedication...i wanted someone to be addicted to me like I was to her....
Now I realize that its not healthy or right..
So I have been weening myself off the addiction...I have squished down my emotions and have basically rehabed off the drug...
so now that I am sober....I am able to push loves away....and here I am with an attraction...I am attracted to someone....
I am lost..I don't know how to have a healthy relationship....
I don't know how to do this...
Actually.....

Music makes me so happy....u.....yah...I may have been addicted to your love....but still u made me happy too..

On the road to recovery....

Did I hit bottom...I guess I did, why else would i do those things....was it Love or just addiction....truth is, I didnt love most of my exes....I am an addict...A Love addict....and once you cuddle next to me, look into my eyes and smile...I am hooked...and every thought I have is how I am going to spend more time with you....addicted....and addicts do anything for one more hit...

LAA
Love Addicts Anonymous

The Twelve Promises

1. I have a new sense of freedom because I am letting go of the past.
2. I am hopeful about my future relationships.
3. I can be attracted to someone without falling in love overnight, and I can fall in love without obsessing.
4. If love does overwhelm me I do not act out in addictive ways.
5. I can tell the difference between fantasies and reality.
6. I do not have to control the ones I love nor let them control me.
7. I experience relationships one at a time and I do not get involved with “unavailable” people.
8. If my basic needs are not being met, I can end my relationship.
9. I can leave anyone who is abusing me either verbally or physically.
10. I do not do for others what they should be doing for themselves.
11. I love myself as much as I love others.
12. I look to my Higher Power for strength, guidance, and the willingness to change.

Confessions of an affection addict....

I realize who I am....what my biggest flaw is....the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem....Hello my name is Eddie, and I am an affectionolic.....

The lottery is 85 million.....my jackpot is love.

Ok....i land in Paris on the 18th of may....i am leaving SF after 9 years of fun....i quit my job, i gave a months notice, i gave myself a week to get shit done before i go....i should have quit a week earlier....i am stressing on having enough time to do everything i need to do....i have lagged on finding a place to stay....i couldn't decide on how long to get a place for....i finally decided to get a place through june. In hopes of finding a room to rent or my own place by then...on hopes of maybe finding a job too....probably somewhere where i can speak english....i will not be able to speak enough french for awhile....i moved here not knowing anyone, no experience, and no clue.....this time i have less....dont know the language and have no idea what i am going to do....but i imagine in nine more years i will be sitting at a bar with "friends" planning my next move...

Almost home.....

San franciscans find relationships to be a burden....the thing about people is that we all have something we want to go to someone else to help us with...we all are working at it....and here in SF no one wants to help because they r too busy trying to do it themselves and complaining about having to help others....that is why u dont find children here....that is why everyone goes to bed early....that is why u belong here and I dont....i feel

To feel is to be alive....

Today....or...last night....well since I quit two days ago...well....i put in notice of resignation.....on thursday...I have been on a whirlwind of chance....i have had more to drink then to eat....i have had very little sleep as well....but this has not been a celebration...nothing has changed....i have seen beauty, but i am dead....I am a zombie....my heart does not beat....i stagger around in no direction...with one thing to find....booooze....zombies never regenerate....they never come back to life, real normal life.....but I have....once when u found me, I let you bring me back....that was a mistake...I was not ready....I have been cursed now....I have to wait this time...i have to know she is ready, i have to stay undead....i can not wake up from this stupor yet...i dont know those words....i must go to work....i have no time for anything else....work then sleep...and when there is no work i must drink....i am a zombie...and there are no zombie love storys.....there is just this wall i keep bumping into as i stagger about....if there are doors here....i do not understand them....

today could be the most important day of my life....

I am ok. Took a sleeping pill last night...those things always leave me feeling a bit down the next day...but I am going to get some sun, have a good breakfast, and drink some strong coffee....i messaged a girl yesterday whom for some reason I have been very nervous to do so...something in her eyes that calls to me. It went strangely well, she must be a very nice person. I have lots to do today, most importantly is get a haircut, and unfortunately my regular barber of the last 6 years is out of town for a month...I am screwed, my hair is tricky and not just anybody can cut it...I am afraid to go to some salon and get the newbie scrub cuz I am a walkin and they are going to not know how to handle my hair and fuck it all up....this always happens...Let's hope I get lucky huh....maybe I should shave it all off and go bald....no....

Here is a novel idea--- what if food was free...this feels like a Swedish idea  - but what if the people through taxes and subsidies created free food for everyone....you go to the grocery store and you pick what you want and go...someone scans it, some one bags it, but you owe nothing...it is free, the gov pays producers to produce it, pays distributors to distribute it, and retailers to offer it...then everyone can eat...for free, no local starvation...but you can still eat out...the cost of food is zero so everything will be cheaper, but you still pay for the service and experience and the chef...you can go to grocery stores that have shoppers and you give them a list and they bring back what you want and you pay for that a premium, so there still is classicism and small businesses making money, you will still have organic or specialty farms that produce higher end foods at a cost too so some food producers will will be better than others and therefor be aloud to charge more...but when the base cost is zero for something, the premiums are not going to get very high...table wine would be free...Chateau Lafite still $500 a bottle...but Mondavi Cab would be $8 a bottle...

In truth this already happens...farmers are gov subsidized already...the idea is to expand it more and drive food costs all the way down...so everyone can eat...anyway....now I am hungry...bye

It's about who you are....

So...soon it will be the end of the third year since i was 17 that i have been single....of the last 19 years i have been single three of them....tonight has been a great reminder of love....i met bumped into some scandanavian girls on vacay...normally things could have progressed into some sort of fling....but all i heard as she spoke was an accent of heart break...i think i like being friends  with my exes so that it is easier to get over them....because eventually i learn more about the girl and get to know them well enough to stop caring and feel nothing...right now i am stuck in the still in love faze....if only i had more time to get to know you i would have learned enough to not care so much or love anymore and be over it...but instead tonight i was reminded of heart break...and last night i bumped into a girl i could have started something with but passed....and on my walk home tonight i bumped into her again....but avoided it...and then there is that crazy girl at work....who reminders me of all the girls i loved and didnt love me...of the girls who see me as nothing but a friend and they love talll stupid charming shallow guys i am nothing like...but fuck do i love those girls...soooo....here i am reminded i am not that good looking, not that lovable, and not that cool....or.....misunderstood.