just a little after now

I am not happy...yet very hopefull...i am lookibg forward to what life sends me...but i realize i must suffer...and i know death and violoence and starvation r not my chalenges..my torturer for my life is abondenmont...lonlyness....and obviously bad spelling....those things wont kill u...still the same i suffer...suffered...and look forward to being loved...for real...because i have been fooled i have high standereds and lack of trust....i yern for the day she finds me...she wins me...she earns my love.

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now

My girlfriend needs to live in the same city as me...i cant handle being apart...my heart yearns for her love...i cant do this...drunkenly i did what i do best....but i dont regret it...i keep asking myself if i am IN love....i know i am not...but i love the shit out of her....and i trust the moment i see her my heart will no longer resist and i will fall IN love....then ten days later ny heart will be broken again....i know its comin but that doesnt change how i will love her...

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UB40 Don't Break My Heart 1985

My heart, broken and scared...needs faith

I am falling…I am loving…I am lost…I am testing…I am learning…I am challenging…I am not being disappointed…I am falling….

My heart wont let me…it wont fall in love again…it refuses to listen , to open up and let go…my heart tells me she is fooled…she is infatuated….she is intoxicated in the deep everything that u are….and how is that such a rare select group of strange women fall so deep so quickly, intensely, and seemingly sincerely, with me….is it that the love was real but the girl was not worthy or right…or was the love fabricated and the girl too smart to make this mistake…I wait, in anxiety, for someone who can understand me, understand my pain….understand my craziness and point out my shit…I feel love…I feel anxiety she will leave me…I feel dissatachment so I cant get hurt…my heart refuses to recognize, to accept, to allow her love to enter my space…she is amazing and yet not perfect…but oh so undeniable….and yet I feel like that some day she will wake up from this dream…she will see the nightmare that I am…we will see how much better she can do…she will see something so much easier and hotter and closer that can be all that she wants and more. And I will become a memory.

I feel it already happening…all it takes is one failed day…one day to not be so supper…for the high to waver and the endorphins to simmer…for my stay to be a bit too long and my longing a bit to desperate…just one moment for her to look with her mind and not her heart and see how boring and lame I really am…how needy and smothering I have become…just one moment for her to want to step back and reclaim herself…to push me away, to put down the drug and come back to reality…in reality I am nothing more than a overly super nice guy who in the long run is not what you really wanted…my heart is right not to let myself fall in love…my heart will not be hurt again…I can feel her slipping away already, and there is nothing I can do about it…soon the lover she thought I could be will turn into the friend she hopes she can keep…my heart has no part in this anymore…

how do u win this game?

Hell yah! I am without words...i have no reason to believe in love...it is fickle and can turn on u in a heart beat....what i know about love is tricks and suffering...is this world conspiring against me...is it cheating, holding me back and keeping me from love...there is no "one" but why r they all so unatainable and complicated....i have wasted away so much time...i feal like i cant win...reset n restart...

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Rome wasnt built in a day...LOVE is even grander...

Just found my journal from 1995 the year of my first heartbreak…and in it I go from madly in love to homeless and heartbroken….and as I read, I find that nothing has changed except I am now absolutely different…two more heartbreaks later and I find myself fearful, guarded, and just as lost and lonely as I was at 19yrs old…If only there were a way to know if the person u love also loves u for real…three heart breaks all cuz the grass was greener on the other side….well it was more like two heartbreaks and a couple girls I thought I could be in love with forever and both dumped me to be free to flirt with someone else…anyway, my heart rejected, beaten, stabbed, stomped on, lied to, neglected, repeatedly used as I was so in love with someone who didn’t love me back….i now my heart in pieces with layers of deep wounds and scabbed over from all the abuse, my soul has built a very large thick wall to protect it….

So the last thing I needed was to find love again, to care about someone, to have someone act like she cares about me…my heart cant take it…it cant take the eventual rejection…as a man in his mid thirties I do the “high fidelity” thing and go through how I fucked up my past relationships…and it all comes down to, I was IN LOVE with someone who loved me…and why was I so IN LOVE, the first was maybe cuz she was the first and I had no idea what it meant to have someone love u and care about u…so I fell IN Love with her…the last one, was because I was lied to, she said all the right things sincerely, we talked for hours, and she truly thought she LOVED me, but it was only love…I still don’t really know why I fell so fucking hard…was it a reaction to the prior rejections, I was just so fucking hungry for true LOVE I fell for the first girl who cared about me…and then I refused to let it go, half out of pride half from lust and envy of lovers….in the end I fell out of love and moved on….and that left me as I am now, I Lost my faith in TRUE REAL LOVE….

Today is a new day, my faith waves in and out....my heart has no resentment...cautiously i walk ahead careful not to repeat my mistakes...maybe i had to suffer so much in order for me to be able to recognize something real when it finds me...maybe now i can trust true love cuz i am familiar with the tricks my heart plays...i didnt learn the lessons the first time, i guess i am a slow learner...but i believe now, even though my faith flutters, I am wiser and stronger, i will no longer dismiss the small things, my heart has it's demands, it craves someone up to the challenge, and it desires a challenge it self...slow is not easy...and time is counted in years, not decades...but i know i am worth it...

i am winnable...wishing someone would show me...do something...win me,...allelse havefailed...

i just wish people would be honest with me....cuz see i am true i work hard i love hard i give everything and i trust....i am stupid and blindly give trust to those in my life....so i get taken advantege of...i get used....i loved u and all u wanted was an exit, a trophy, a tool...and i was great at it, so fucking great that now u think ur down with me....u realize i am the missing piece to every ikea shelf u fucked up...u know if i was there that shit would have been done and ur books would be straight....but u fucked up...u took me for granted and flirted with that other guy u thought was hotter....then realized underneath he was nothing but shit....and i am THE shit...but its too late....i take offense to ur distrust and lack of faith....ur integrity is shot with me....i am worth more than the mornings and nights u gave....i am worth every second....and someday someone will give me every second...someone will have the strength and stamina to love me like i deserve....and i will love her like the queen she is...for every ounce of life she gives she knows i have for her....for every moment i open myself to her she frees herself for me...this is true free real love i seek...just dont fuck it up....

Break glass in case of emergency...

I dont think i can do this....this is an awful day...why was i cheated on why was my heart broken and why can i not regain trust anymore...trust in people, takes faith in love...and i cant hold onto faith...not when love treats me so....in 7 weeks it can all be over...i would have extended the magic for another 10 days, but those ten days will be over...and i must then face the daunting truth that clouds my days...i am at a point in my life where i cant waste away anymore years, i cant take risks and hope for the best....i need to find something real...something real for my mind, my soul, and my heart...I wonder why love brings such great suffering...why can others find it with such ease, why do so many go lonely...why must i find something so impossible...and i am sooo jaded and guarded and hurt that jealousy fills me...what other men are still in her life, what other men does she still talk to and flirt with, what dicks is she keeping in a glass box just in case we dont work out...i have no right to posses, i have not always been a possessive person, but now i am full of fear and stress that i will be hurt again....i can not allow myself to fall in love with a person who a future with is so impossible...i have always said "home is where the heart is" but in reality i cant place my life on hold to see where that home will be...i am currently unattached to this home but that cant be forever...i have my goals and dreams...reality could separate myself from my love for years...and at this point in my life that would mean forever...i cant fall in love with a person with such risk of never being able to be with her...it already hurts...my heart cant take this stress and pain....knowing she is with others who love her and can be there for her...knowing we may never be able to fulfill our love...i wish this was all in my head this "love" i wish i was just making it all up to fulfill my need for love...but every time i try to tell myself its not real, she shows me how undeniable love is...so in the end i have no choice...my plans are in the air, in 7 weeks this could all be over, or it could all change and all be beginning...

high friend turnover rate in SF

I love the ease of this...i used to text meself when i was drunk at the bar.....just texting crazy thoughts like these...random babelings...phone is dead...i should go home...but i am alone drinkin at the pils lacking in friends knowing its my fault...forgetable, forgotten, fuck it....i will see the people i know some other day....friends i think they are...

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sick @ work

Am i getting set up for another great fall....is she just into americans...is it jst cuz i happen to fall easy too...is it just cuz i come on strong and intensly...i dont want to mislead or front....all in all i enjoy the attention but am also happy....n a way that i dont think i have ever been...not in a so in love manner...or i crave all her attention need...in fact i am happy with the space i get...that is new to me...i think i am happy cuz i feel secure....i am regaining trust and its cuz she has such great integrity...idk i could be fooling myself again...i am jumping in....the water feels nice...i think i might stay awhile...

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