Rome wasnt built in a day...LOVE is even grander...

Just found my journal from 1995 the year of my first heartbreak…and in it I go from madly in love to homeless and heartbroken….and as I read, I find that nothing has changed except I am now absolutely different…two more heartbreaks later and I find myself fearful, guarded, and just as lost and lonely as I was at 19yrs old…If only there were a way to know if the person u love also loves u for real…three heart breaks all cuz the grass was greener on the other side….well it was more like two heartbreaks and a couple girls I thought I could be in love with forever and both dumped me to be free to flirt with someone else…anyway, my heart rejected, beaten, stabbed, stomped on, lied to, neglected, repeatedly used as I was so in love with someone who didn’t love me back….i now my heart in pieces with layers of deep wounds and scabbed over from all the abuse, my soul has built a very large thick wall to protect it….

So the last thing I needed was to find love again, to care about someone, to have someone act like she cares about me…my heart cant take it…it cant take the eventual rejection…as a man in his mid thirties I do the “high fidelity” thing and go through how I fucked up my past relationships…and it all comes down to, I was IN LOVE with someone who loved me…and why was I so IN LOVE, the first was maybe cuz she was the first and I had no idea what it meant to have someone love u and care about u…so I fell IN Love with her…the last one, was because I was lied to, she said all the right things sincerely, we talked for hours, and she truly thought she LOVED me, but it was only love…I still don’t really know why I fell so fucking hard…was it a reaction to the prior rejections, I was just so fucking hungry for true LOVE I fell for the first girl who cared about me…and then I refused to let it go, half out of pride half from lust and envy of lovers….in the end I fell out of love and moved on….and that left me as I am now, I Lost my faith in TRUE REAL LOVE….

Today is a new day, my faith waves in and out....my heart has no resentment...cautiously i walk ahead careful not to repeat my mistakes...maybe i had to suffer so much in order for me to be able to recognize something real when it finds me...maybe now i can trust true love cuz i am familiar with the tricks my heart plays...i didnt learn the lessons the first time, i guess i am a slow learner...but i believe now, even though my faith flutters, I am wiser and stronger, i will no longer dismiss the small things, my heart has it's demands, it craves someone up to the challenge, and it desires a challenge it self...slow is not easy...and time is counted in years, not decades...but i know i am worth it...

i am winnable...wishing someone would show me...do something...win me,...allelse havefailed...

i just wish people would be honest with me....cuz see i am true i work hard i love hard i give everything and i trust....i am stupid and blindly give trust to those in my life....so i get taken advantege of...i get used....i loved u and all u wanted was an exit, a trophy, a tool...and i was great at it, so fucking great that now u think ur down with me....u realize i am the missing piece to every ikea shelf u fucked up...u know if i was there that shit would have been done and ur books would be straight....but u fucked up...u took me for granted and flirted with that other guy u thought was hotter....then realized underneath he was nothing but shit....and i am THE shit...but its too late....i take offense to ur distrust and lack of faith....ur integrity is shot with me....i am worth more than the mornings and nights u gave....i am worth every second....and someday someone will give me every second...someone will have the strength and stamina to love me like i deserve....and i will love her like the queen she is...for every ounce of life she gives she knows i have for her....for every moment i open myself to her she frees herself for me...this is true free real love i seek...just dont fuck it up....

Break glass in case of emergency...

I dont think i can do this....this is an awful day...why was i cheated on why was my heart broken and why can i not regain trust anymore...trust in people, takes faith in love...and i cant hold onto faith...not when love treats me so....in 7 weeks it can all be over...i would have extended the magic for another 10 days, but those ten days will be over...and i must then face the daunting truth that clouds my days...i am at a point in my life where i cant waste away anymore years, i cant take risks and hope for the best....i need to find something real...something real for my mind, my soul, and my heart...I wonder why love brings such great suffering...why can others find it with such ease, why do so many go lonely...why must i find something so impossible...and i am sooo jaded and guarded and hurt that jealousy fills me...what other men are still in her life, what other men does she still talk to and flirt with, what dicks is she keeping in a glass box just in case we dont work out...i have no right to posses, i have not always been a possessive person, but now i am full of fear and stress that i will be hurt again....i can not allow myself to fall in love with a person who a future with is so impossible...i have always said "home is where the heart is" but in reality i cant place my life on hold to see where that home will be...i am currently unattached to this home but that cant be forever...i have my goals and dreams...reality could separate myself from my love for years...and at this point in my life that would mean forever...i cant fall in love with a person with such risk of never being able to be with her...it already hurts...my heart cant take this stress and pain....knowing she is with others who love her and can be there for her...knowing we may never be able to fulfill our love...i wish this was all in my head this "love" i wish i was just making it all up to fulfill my need for love...but every time i try to tell myself its not real, she shows me how undeniable love is...so in the end i have no choice...my plans are in the air, in 7 weeks this could all be over, or it could all change and all be beginning...

high friend turnover rate in SF

I love the ease of this...i used to text meself when i was drunk at the bar.....just texting crazy thoughts like these...random babelings...phone is dead...i should go home...but i am alone drinkin at the pils lacking in friends knowing its my fault...forgetable, forgotten, fuck it....i will see the people i know some other day....friends i think they are...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

sick @ work

Am i getting set up for another great fall....is she just into americans...is it jst cuz i happen to fall easy too...is it just cuz i come on strong and intensly...i dont want to mislead or front....all in all i enjoy the attention but am also happy....n a way that i dont think i have ever been...not in a so in love manner...or i crave all her attention need...in fact i am happy with the space i get...that is new to me...i think i am happy cuz i feel secure....i am regaining trust and its cuz she has such great integrity...idk i could be fooling myself again...i am jumping in....the water feels nice...i think i might stay awhile...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Whitesnake- Is This Love

Over it...so i get to ramble to u...truth is if i was to be loved, my crazyness rambling would be apreciated and more so....craved...the idea that someone would say..."what else happended" tell me more...give me more of those drunkin ramblings...cuz i i know n i care....sure u had to be there for it to be funny...but u dont have to be here for me to empty my soul to u....csse closed, i lost.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

if i had a super power it would eminate fron my eyes...

Ok so...i met someone who is super...she is super hot...super smart...super fun...super easy to talk to...super cares about me...super makes me smile...super loves me...I super love.....("in" ?)...super fucking amazing badass....super friendly...super kind...super energetic n energizing...super talented...super strong minded...super loving...super makes me happy...super real honest and has super integrity...super romantic, super sexy, super makes me horny, and is soooo super fucking far....

And so i am super unsatisfied n super filled of lust....and as they say...different area code...let alone diferent country...i am surrounded by hot horney sluts...n i have that "someone cares about me" confidence glowing...its like cat nip for the pussy....but i am not givibg in...and it daunting that i wont see her for months...therefore i wont have sex for months...and again months untill i see her again...sooo my balls will have to get used to being blue...cuz its friday smoky and homey dont play that!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

a convo between my heart n soul...

Here is the thing...if u cant say it to my face...then dont say it at all...sure tell ur friends behind my back how u really feel...but know it doesnt matter unless u get the balls to tell me what's on ur mind...cuz truth is i can see it in ur eyes...everytime u gaze at me ur mouth gives u away...i know ur secret...its only a matter of time...time and wisdom, to know jumping in may be a mistake or the greatest thing ever....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

the best worst ever

i have to remember this feeling...i have to remember how much my heart yearns, how much it hurts, i have to not forget exactly what love means to me...what i am driven by...why i love...and the sole purpose i will never be satisfied....i feel like ponce de leon in search of the fountain of youth, or cortez in a never ending quest for the city of gold...i am a conquistador and my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is true real love....does it not exist either...