Lovefest After Party

After I left the girls I walked to the Lovefest after party - I bumped into an old friend earlier that day and she had an extra ticket - nothing better than free entertainment I always say - it was really nice of her to give me the ticket - it was totally unexpected cuz I never talk to her anymore but she is a very nice person and it was a cool thing for her to do -

I got there around 2am very drunk - I was hoping to see some shit and meet people and dance...I did all that but for about ten minutes before I realized I really don’t like that kind of music - Its like country music to me - the same beat over and over with mild changes - you really have to be rolling to enjoy the event -

I sat down and watched the show for a bit - this dude sat next to me - looking at the picture I think this dude used to come to my bar in Sac - that would be funny - he said something about rolling and being an alien then walked away.

I never met up with my friend that gave me the ticket - I kinda felt bad 'bout that I got there late and she said she might not be there all night so... oh well - A Sacto friend didn't show that night either... hmm - shit happens -

Well that was Saturday - the next day Sunday was the Folsom street fair - I wish I could show you pictures of old man circle jerks and public flogging and what not but I had to work and missed it all - but no fear - next Sunday is the Castro Street Fair- that should be fun!! 6am now I should try to sleep soon... Bye.

Out and about

Well last Saturday I ended up going out and the night turned out well - I went with my roommate Jason to the Stud which is always fun by itself but there we met up with my other roommate Eric and a couple of his friends from the south bay - and I also bumped into my cousin there, which was a nice surprise - the bunch of us took over the platforms and danced the night away - I also bumped into a couple regulars from my bar -it ended up being a very nice social night -

After hours we hit up the SF speakeasy which was a strange scene - naked girls walking around and fat dudes trying to act cool - it could have been fun but the DJ seemed to be stuck in 1996 - needless to say we didn't stay long - but at least it was interesting

Me and some guy who was oviously tweeking rambling on and on about nothin...I asked him to take a picture with me cuz I got tired of listning to him talk :)

Dancing in the cage at The Stud

Enjoying some drinks with the coworkers after work on champegne Sunday -

I dont remember taking this picture ;) I think I had one shot too many - I got home and rambled to my roomate about god knows what that night - It's nice though to come home afterhours and there be someone to chat with at 4am -

Off to nowhere!!!

Well its Saturday night again and I have the night off – which is unusual for someone who works in the bar industry to have – but I like it - it also means I should do something with it – I feel like since I have the opportunity to enjoy this magnificent city when its at it most liveliest day of the week I should take advantage of it – even though I am out every other night because of work or just because – Tonight is still sorta special I think – Now its just tying to figure out what to do or to go – You would think it would be simple but fact is things are drying up out there - I mean to say - There are a few reasons for a person to go out on the town at night – to spend time with friends, to meet new friends, to enjoy entertainment, to drink till your drunk, and to find someone to fulfill some needs yah might have, or whatever reason yah got – For me those reasons to go out are fading – I am sooo fucking busy standing here holding on to the string off my life watching it get away that I have no time for anything else new to distract me – But I still feel obligated to go do something cuz – don’t know why and I don’t know what –

Things to do today: - Write blog - check!

So It’s 5:30am and yet again I cant fall asleep – the reasons for this are plenty and none of which I care for or have the energy to change – I just want some quick fix meds – life would be great if all your problems could be fixed by taking a couple pills – instead I’ve been able to use this time to watch a couple seasons of Six Feet Under – You know sometimes I feel like my life is a ball of yarn and there I am holding the end of the string as I watch the ball drop from my hand – and I know I should bend down and pick it up but I just don’t feel the want to do so – and so I watch that ball of yarn roll away and I think to myself – “now that’s not good” – but I do nothing about it as it rolls further away unraveling as it goes – as the ball unravels moments pass to take action yet I just watch – holding on to the thread standing there doing nothing as if nothing is happening – I know what I should be doing - I know what I would tell someone to do in this situation – but I cant seem to care enough about it myself - “bye bye ball of yarn, its gonna suck trying to put you back together – ohh…now your getting all tangled…hmm, that sucks…(yawn) anyway” As I stare at it getting worse – oh yes this is my life – the list of shit I am ignoring is getting to be a mile long and the hole I’m digging for myself never seems to end – Sometime I’ll wake up from my stupor and get my shit together - I just wish I could take a couple pills and have it all done for me - rather than actually live my life.

I need ambian!!

I Just slept for 12 hours and I am fucking ecstatic about it - Insomnia is a fucking bitch to live with - you might think its just that you cant fall asleep but its so much more than that - its also affects you after you've fallen asleep - most people go quickly into deep sleep after laying there pretty little heads down on there pillows - insomniacs roll around a bit, struggle, think, get frustrated, all while the rest of you are rejuvenating your bodies and minds - - finally an insomniacs body gets the hint and falls asleep - - but hold on an insomniac doesn’t go to deep sleep where you’ve been for the last two hours - no we go to dream sleep - that spot in-between when your brain is still working but your body is out - no REM going on yet - the average person during the course of a night goes in and out of REM sleep a few times the transitions is when dreams are made - - an insomniac stays in that transition longer - and sometimes during one of those transitions you have a dream that wakes you up in the middle of the night AND then again an insomniac struggles to go back to sleep sometimes never getting any decent REM sleep because by the time your body gets there the fucking alarm is going off and you have to get up for work - THATS when living with insomnia is a bitch - sure you just woke up from what appeared to be sleeping for a good 8 hours - but your brain didn’t get good rest during that sleep - so you go about your day feeling tired and sleepy and your brain is in a fog drifting in and out, you lack energy and you seem aloof and drab - I thought I had Adult ADD cuz I couldn’t stay focused but its probably just sleep deprivation - - - Eventually your body cant take it and it forces a shut down like what happened to me last night - I passed out hard at midnight and slept a good twelve hours and I woke up feeling like I finally got some decent sleep - it fucking feels fantastic!!

Tivo + insomnia = MTV VMA blog

Ahh Awards season has begun…Earlier the Emmys and tonight the VMA’s – All I have to say about the Emmys is Yahhhhhhnnn…that was fucking boring – and it seemed like the awards were a joke in the industry because of tons of strange nominations for shows that are canceled or people that didn’t do much – not that it mattered cuz no one cares anyway –

I Tivo’d the VMA’s Thursday – I was hoping to see some rock – last year as I noted in one of my first blogs I eva posted on myspace the industry is saturated with dirty south rap and the state of pop rock is very sad - - - well things are chang’n and it was evident from the start with My Chemical Romance playing some decent rock in the opening show – but the hype the announcers spewed was ridicules “chiseled into VMA history – never done before” what the fuck!?! -- Its just a band on a roof - cut the shit no one is buying -

As for the show itself – you know MTV knows how to entertain and do things different but for a moment here and there it felt like you were watching a high school production with shit going too far, too sloppy and confusing or maybe I’m just too old ;) - - - the performances were alright – finally pop has gotten rid of some of the lousy image acts like Lohan and Ashley – Shakira is always gorgeous but “hips” is my least favorite song of hers – I was about to fall in love with Christina Aguilera – that dress she wore to the show was fucking smoke’n – Last year I fell for Kelly Clarkson and this year I thought Christina would steal the show – but then she had to go use an orchestra for her performance and that killed the romance –

Oh and P.S. - Oops Looks like we finally “hung up” on Madonna – fuck’n bout time - that bitch was using up way too many of my minutes! – And don’t call back Madonna – send that old hag straight to voicemail – ha ha he he

Thank you Sacramento – I have fucked up insomnia again –

It’s 3:30 am - not late yet but I know I will be up for a couple more hours – It seems to me that whenever I spend a lot of time in Sac my sleep pattern fucking gets like this – I don’t feel like exploring the reasons why this is – I just am pointing out the hypothesis – Unfortunately for you because there is absolutely nothing to do in Sacramento and no one around to talk to – I am going to ramble off a blog – Yip fucking yee-

I’ve been thinking about the rollercoaster that is life lately – without going into a long ramble about Karma, Fate, and pointless clichés – I am just glad that I am getting out of my low point – It wasn’t too long ago I hated the relationships I was in then lost them – I hated my job and then lost the job I hated – I hated where I lived then lost that place too – I hated my tenants then lost them as well – and even though I hated all these things –my job, my girl, my house, my rent income, - I very much needed each and everyone of them – and then they were all gone – and even though it wasn’t all sudden losses three of them came to a head all at the same time – I thought I was screwed at the moment – I had found a great new house to live in but with out money I thought I might lose that again too - I freaked out a little when my life looked to be in its final stage of collapse – I really wondered why go on…

But again not all of the sudden but over time things kept coming back – Karma, Fate, Faith, Coincidence, whatever you want to call it – Life has given me the tools to keep moving forward and things are fitting in place that wouldn’t have fit if I didn’t go through all that bullshit – now I have a great place to live, with great roommates without whom I wouldn’t have been strong enough to get through the worst of times – I have a new job doing what I love Bartending at a place where I’ll make good money - and they are letting me get involved with the management to learn the business – It’s my dream situation – And I will have new tenants soon and because of other situations coming together I have the means to remodel the house and be able the charge more rent and hopefully have reliable tenants – And I may not have a steady girl at the moment but I don’t feel alone - and at least now I know what love is and that is huge.

Sure I’m probably jinxing myself and all these situations are going to fall apart soon – if you believe in such things – What I know is that life’s rollercoaster is moving up for me and I like it – I hope things keep moving up (yah I know a pointless cliché) –

So I caught the finale of “America’s got Talent”...

So I caught the finale of “America’s got Talent” otherwise known as “Americas freak show” - for those of you that don’t fallow it – which is probably all of you – It’s a talent show contest – and in the finale ten acts vie for a million dollar prize – It is a horrible show – the judges are David Hasselhoff, Brandy, and the obligatory English dude – The format is kinda American Idol like – after the performance the “judges” critique the acts – The acts or horrendous but somehow “The Hoff” and Brandy love every single act – You can buy this from David – it’s not like he’s been in anything great, deep, or artistic in fact he is perfect for judging cheesy acts – but you would hope Brandy at least would notice the ear bleeding voices on the show – Yet she seems to be the most clueless - it makes you wonder about her ear – can she not hear? – anyway – the show is on before Project Runway and I couldn’t help but wonder how bad Nina would tear these contestants apart –

I can imagine it now….

With the Acts on the runway Heidi would call out names “At Last….Taylor Ware….Quick Change….Rappin' Granny …Bianca Ryan……and The Millers.” PAUSE “If I have called your names you represent the worst and the best. - The rest of you can leave the stage – we look forward to seeing you in half-time shows at your local basketball game.”

Then the fun part as the judges critique the acts – the obvious comments about how bad At Last’s karaoke singing was and how entertaining The Millers were would bore and be edited out – then the fun…

Nina “Bianca – frankly I’m not sure how you got here – Your singing was immature and your voice just didn’t hold up – fortunate for you most of the other acts scored lower than you”

Bianca “Um I tried to be more myself today and show you me”

Heidi “Yah I just wasn’t feeling it either Bianca. Thank you”

Cut to 12 year old Bianca nodding and holding back the tears.

Special guest judge ME “Quick Change your magic act… you said you’ve been performing this bit for 15yrs“

QC – “yes”

SGJ ME “So you admit this act is old – and I’ve seen it done before by other couples – and I’m sure your not the ones that invented this act ..….I can’t believe this is a difficult act to do”

Nina “yes who wants to see the same thing over and over again…and it’s not hard to see what’s going on here…there’s no magic here” as she shifts in her seat with her nose in the air.

QC – “well we’ve perfected it and I think the audience loved it”

Heidi “Thank you Quick Change. - - Tayler…I love your pig tails” all giggle “ I really like your voice but the performance could have been better…I still like your act it was entertaining….for a moment”

TW “Thank you” with a big cute smile.

SGJ ME “I think you got this act down very well but I think you need to break out of the box and do more…You remind me of a little Jewel, you got great potential”

TW “Thank you” with a bigger cuter smile.

Heidi “Rappin' Granny …..can you explain to me what the Granny Dance is”

Granny “oh yah you like that it’s fun goes like this” As she does some lame dance

Nina “Hmm…actually I think it’s boring”

Cut to the surprised look on At Lasts faces – the drama of a favorite getting cut down

SGJ ME “Hey Granny – I’m sorry but your raps don’t hit and your beats are weak – in fact your just a gimmick gone way too long”

Heidi “Ok we’ve heard what you’ve had to say…you can leave the runway as we discuss you scores”

Then the rehashed talk about the drama in the room and funny comments – this is when you try to guess who wins and who gets cut. Then Heidi calls them back in and starts with the winner

Heidi “Bianca you can leave the stage thank you”

Then the camera changes from Taylor and The Millers as the favorites with a glance at Granny just to make you wonder if she might still win….”the winner is….PAUSE…who cares you all are nothing more than half time show acts TW and TM you can leave the stage”

Then the losers and because we love seeing train wrecks this is the best part – but before we end the contestants misery lets twist the knife in them a little first with some recap comments on how lame they are…

Heidi “Quick Change your act is old and tired and simple, At Last your singing was very off and painful to listen to, and Granny your act is nothing but a gimmick.” LONG PAUSE “At Last you can leave the stage” PAUSE as you wonder could Granny be out, it couldn’t be…it has to be the magic act “this will be a first for me” Heidi goes on “I am bringing out all the acts…I am sorry to say but you all……..VERY LONG PAUSE…are…..OUT, Frankly none of you are worth paying to see… Auf Wiedersehen”

My life is a rerun of 1984

Last night I dreamt about the first girl I ever had a crush on. I was back in High school in my dream – A tsunami hit our high school and me and Julie just barely missed it – I decided to walk her home and along the way we talked – it felt nice because in reality we never talked in high school – by then we had moved on to different clicks and stopped being friendly – but this was a dream and in it she invited me over to hang out – The funny thing is that even in my dreams I could tell this relationship was going nowhere – I woke up remembering Julie and realized that relationship defines my entire life of relationships – I met her when I was 8 in the third grade – Recalling the third grade I realize that year is the same fucking shit I keep reliving over and over my entire life – all that I had to learn happened for me that one year

I remember vividly the first day we saw the new house in Fair Oaks. It was Easter Sunday and I was seven – I awoke in our Rancho Cordova house very excited cause it was Easter and the Easter bunny hid a present for me somewhere in the house – So as soon as I awoke I ran all over the house looking – I checked all the usually places, behind the couch, under the bed, in the closets, but I found nothing – so I started looking everywhere, in the cupboards, in the garage, out in the yard, on the roof, - I tried to get my brothers to help – their response was cold “You know there is no Easter bunny now shut up” – Of coarse I knew there really wasn’t a bunny and there isn’t a Santa either and I still get presents on Christmas - So what the fuck happened? – I realized there is nothing hidden for me and I started to cry – My parents eventually asked me what’s wrong and I reluctantly told them in some child like way – they told me I didn’t get anything cuz I was too old for the Easter Bunny – and maybe I was but I didn’t care it still hurt –

So after church my parents took the family to go see the new house – it was a huge step up from our last place – and as I’m checking out the house my mom tells me to go look in what will be my room – I wondered why cuz I already looked in there – but I went to check it out again and what do you know laying there in the empty room was a present – I guess my mom ran off to the store that morning after my fit then she snuck my present in there – it wasn’t anything special – I remember it was actually a kinda lame toy – but it didn’t matter cuz I was happy, it felt warm that they loved me so much to go through the trouble to make me feel better - but I also felt guilty for making my parents do this for me – I was already at seven finding it hard to receive gifts - I felt like I didn’t deserve the present cuz I only got it after I cried – I didn’t know how to act – I still don’t

That first year of my life in that house defined a lot about who I am – beginning with the first time I saw it on Easter and even the first day I moved in and met Allison the neighbor girl.

Welcome to Sunny Santa Cruz

Sometimes its really nice to get out of the City – Last weekend I went down to Santa Cruz - I like it down there – It’s such a small town but somehow it maintains a sense of culture and life – It’s probably the seediest of all the beach communities along the One – That's two good reasons for a person like me to want to visit SC – not to mention my good friends living down there -

I got talked into a Social D concert Friday night – I like them but every song sounds so similar - But I figured out how to survive a Social D concert – Listen to the first few songs then when they go into something new take off for a shot at the bar - then go back for a couple more songs and just when the relentless beat starts to drive your brain insane you leave and go have a smoke outside – then come back and make your way to the front so close you can see the tattooed make-up on Mike Ness droop in the cracks of his old aged sagging eyes.

It was nice hanging out in SC – It was very different to how I’ve been living my life recently – Dinner with my friends parents and not to forget Grandma who loved to talk shit about her granddaughters husband – “I’m too old to worry about peoples feelings” I think is what she said – Waiting for the kids to pass out so we could go to the beach smoke a bowl and roast smores by the fire – It was a very domestic time – and very relaxing

It was great seeing old friends living down there – Saturday night I got to see and dance to another Arzlo Production – The Fuzz – They put me to work doing the sound for the band – I love being a part of live music in any way and it definitely put the bug in me to perform again -

Then Sunday when I got back to the City my roommate invited out to the “Up Your Alley” street fair – It’s like a smaller less touristy version of the Folsom Street Fair – walking around I saw naked old men lined up against the walls of the alley openly stroking their cocks and other sights of naked exhibitionism including oral sex in the middle of the street – Ahhhh what a perfect welcome back home to San Francisco – The Best City in the USA.