a day at the Joynt

Ok.... Today was normal. Right now I have my shoes wrapped up on plastic bags tapped tight at the opening... And covered in shit. I'm standing now waiting... Hoping... Wishing I wasn't here right now. Feeling unappreciated for sure.

Got off the phone with 911 just an hour ago trying to persuade a crazy fuck to leave the restaurant using 911 as a deterent. I mean the guest that stayed a half hour after we closed was the least of my problems tonight.

At least nobody saw the mouse that's been running around the dinning room. 

who is in control

Back when little Bush was stealing elections I remember being astonished the election was sooo close. I didn't understand why so many people would vote for such a dummy. Turns out when you're voting, the letter by the name is more important than the name.

How many votes trump got in the general is not surprising, what was more of a surprise was how he won in the primaries in 2015. Because many knew then he was a grifter lacking in many qualities one would like in a world leader. Were the other candidates so bad? 

moving on

I got married. Love is subjective. Happynes is a skill that needs to be developed and practiced. 

America the free for everyone?

Is there a place for the extreme right and the extreme left to live in America? The question is, is America a country where you're free to live your life as you choose? The constitution lays out some guides that Americans all agree on. Is it time to expand those guides? Is it time we elaborate on them as a nation, because not everyone agrees on what the guide declares; the Supreme Court no longer is a non partisan court and can not be trusted to decide those matters for the nation.

SCOTUS easy fix

In a world where common sense prevailes, the United States is a functioning democracy. In a nation that believes its people are the government...we have no dictator to tell us what is best, no single communist party to bring us all forward together in one voice... No, we are Americans, land of the free, to choose how we want to be governed, and to choose within our state our own rules, and to agree with other states they can have thier rules as long as we all agree to these ten simple principles.... and also this new eleventh one we need to add... And oh yes when we say everyone we mean everyone and that means voting too, oh yes voting we all can vote, and but you can't drink, except that's a bad idea...we can change that...some president stuff we need to agree on, and you have to be this old to vote by the way sooo not really everyone but... Anyway, these are common sense rules for a functioning democracy we all agree on...and then you can do whatever you want whithin your state......well except when you break these other laws...federation stuff we all agree on...but what? It's not fair you say...let's ask the judges...

The five of them... I mean six errr ten...no nine, That the president chooses, unless the congress is of another party so they can ignore his choice once until they get a better one...sure just because. But this is a functional democracy that holds that its creators were god like and infallible so those ten things were...oh wait... Ummm...27 things we agree on now are perfect and should never change or be added on to or anything. 

Because change is scary, so let's change the rules so we can't change things anymore. What?

This democracy has some solid rules 26 or so...and a bunch of old white dudes, speaking for those at home, add about 300 new rules every year that we need to follow... But you say that rules is not fair, those old white dudes made a rule you didn't like, or ignored a rule you need... So let's ask the 9 judges, these old white dudes chose, to decide who's right...wait what. 

It's time the people took back thier government. The SCOTUS is part of that government, and it's very odd the people have little to no say on who is part of that group of judges. 

This is how I propose we take the power back in order to have a Justice that is for the people, by the people, a truly blind justice. 

We need an even number of judges, ten is good, makes it easy, creates ties...easy fix. Judges should represent the people...but is it beneficial to have a balanced court?

I propose two methods... The people should vote, but not on specific judges, the people don't have time to vet them all out, so we vote on who we want to pick for us...and you say we already do that, the POTUS, but I say that's not a good choice for who's picking...because maybe you want a conservative POTUS for foreign policy issues but a liberal SCOTUS for domestic issues...and you want your representative to be politically opposite of your POTUS so that legislation and Presidential power has a proper check and balance...but as it is now you have to decide who you want in one position to choose who is in the other, and there is a conflict there. 

So let's vote for SCOTUS separately...say every ten years we vote, non presidential year...we choose a party to pick our judges, the ballot will have a party name and the list of judges they will choose ranked in order, so no surprises. In a dream you would hope a few parties can form lists...tea party will have some super constitutional judges, GOP will have a few moderates on thier list to appeal to more voters, a new moderate party can form choosing moderate judges... And then the people pick... And the results

Super right 19% 2 judges

Right 25% 3 judges

Mods 15% 1 judge

Left 23% 3 judges

Spr left 17% 1 judge

So then the court is made of ten or fewer Judges...top round up bottom round down, must have 10% of the vote to qualify sooo to discourage too many partys... 

A 15% 2 judges

B  14% 2 judges

C 14% 1 judge

D 12% 1 judge

E 9% 0 judges

F 9%

G 9%

H 9%

I 9%

6 total judges on the court for those ten years. If a judge retires or passes then that party replaces the judge with the next pick on thier list. 

If 1 or no party reaches 10%, then there is a revote with the top 6 parties only on the ballot. 

Canidates can be part of one party during the general election but part of another during the SCOTUS election, sort of a sub party...this process could help bring change to the two party system and establish differences within the parties and develope new parties. Good for democracy. 

Or you could do the same system except the top two vote getters each choose 5 judges, no matter what % they got total. 

Then what about ties...that's another big change... Tie goes to the voters, in such a case the two sides will have representatives from thier parties to campaign on behalf of thier decision, there could be debates and public trails, then we vote one decision or the other... The people decide the close ones... As we should. 

I'm tired goodnight. 

shit to follow...

Don't trust the government, don't trust the media, don't trust what they say... it's all fake news... is what people say to cover the fact that they don't know shit. 

They say the numbers are wrong, the information is a lie, it's all a hoax... why, because if you knew something about what was being talked about then you could say the numbers are actually this because of that, this information has merit, here is evidence of my truth. 

But then some false logic gets manufactured, and some false witness screams from the soapbox, and the parroting begins... the truth drowns in misinformation. 

How do we both, equally logical and intelligent, know we are so fucking right and yet be saying such opposing things. 

How does one know whether or not they believe the lie or the fact, when we both see the others evidence as shit, and there is a tone of shit to see.

So here's my shit...

I'm back

What does it say. I feel like nothing has changed. So what is there to say that wasn't said before.

I want you to know, I know. And if it were me I'd be happy. 

ha! made you look.....

i don't know why i say hej...when all you say is hej da.  hej da heeej hej da....it's a rip from a beetle song. sorry to lazy to put the right "a" up...but u know what i am saying.

hello Snowflake....welcome to my last post....

you don't choose who you fall in love with....sometimes you don't even know why you're in love with that person...you should be in love with the hot better one that actually likes you back.... but your heart belongs to someone else, and no matter how much you wish you weren't in love with that person....you don't get to choose...you dont get to say when it will happen, how it happens...it just does...sometimes that love turns into a family....and other-times it cant grow, it is impossible to be...but love doesn't care....being in love with someone is not a choice....it is a feeling you have when you see them that you do not get with anyone else...i remembered love today.... love is unforgiving...

someday it will snow......Eduardo.

a vampire where the sun never sets.....

it has been over a year since I have had sex....I dont see that changing anytime soon....not here in Sweden....my heart cant be in it, not anymore..........mistakes are being made everyday....sometimes a mistake leads to something amazing....doesn't change the mistake, just makes it feel less awful that you made a mistake...if only you could speek to me Snowflake....who are you? where are you? what am i doing in Sweden? did i make a mistake?
i made it to Germany....maybe i wouldn't have gone there if i wasn't coming here...l liked Germany....Sweden i keep feeling like i am seeing the same person everywhere, identical blond blue eyed girls n boys sprinkled into the crowds, and orange skinned girls, so awful looking....my adventure here has just begun....no judgments yet..... but without doubt it is much better than Malmo...prettier for sure....
i don't believe in fate, destiny, mystical reasons for things happening....i wasted much of my life waiting for something magical to find me and change my life....foolish...
i am spending my day sitting outside in the sun.....watching strangers square dance, while some odd running race circles around winding through the crowds, as i sit here and day dream...am i going to look up and see you...are you going to sneak up and surprise me with your beauty.....will it snow today....
it feels more like a very hot summer day in the Sahara desert....
i kinda feel stupid and embarrassed for being here....did i make a mistake....
so be it....i will make the best of it...this day is not over...the storms could be coming....or....i can enjoy the desert heat with some kick ass Swedish food..... until it snows my darling.....i will be falling in love with various pickled herrings, and potatoes drowning in toppings......

500 days later...

i like Berlin....on the surface....it is a huge city,  very spread out....ended up sight seeing yesterday....lots of emotional war and death reminders.....and shopping malls....i have noticed that there are not many foreigners living here....at least not in the amounts i have seen in other cities, maybe it is the areas i have been in, there is probably a ghetto somewhere...
still though, there is much diversity in the kinds of establishments....speaking of i can't believe i will be in Sweden tonight....land of homogany...i am hoping though Stockholm will be different....i have hope for lots of things there....for something to be fun....i really don't know what to expect....coldness, shallow polite kindness, joy and true excitement, hate, love, tears, guilt, a fight,  a kiss, a game, honesty,  boredom, confusion, an open window or a guarded wall.....something can be anything.....what if it snows....now that would be something.

My darling snowflake,
Berlin is under my feet today....this is a city....very spread out....and again not pretty...but there is charm here....spent the day walking yesterday....i would have done better renting a bike....there is not a lot to see inbetween destinations....boring buildings and overgrown bushes and grass...and then cross a busy street,  turn a corner,  and like magic i would come across a building covered in street art, then a coffee shop built into what would seem a deserted space but inside art covers the walls and a mic lays waiting for a poet to spill her heart....i found a very nice neighborhood, the streets are narrow and lined with trees... there are a variety of bars and restaurants everywhere, i love the diversity, on one block you can find a metal bar, a trendy bar, a hip restaurant, a gay bar, a sushi spot, and so much more, now this is more like San Francisco.....well this part of town is anyway....you couldn't imagine the joy i felt  when i found a great bar playing good music, tattoo covered tenders, and serving cheap stiff drinks....i jumped in the street and gave a giddy first pump.....
the people are  so nice here...and i like the styles, it is not strange to see people with pink, blue, or green colored hair....i thought to myself how nice it was to see normal people....
not sure what i will do today....just finished a delicious brunch of cheese and fruits,  i think i just want to find a park and sit in the sun.....the weather here reminds me of a nice SF day, a slight breeze, a bit cold in the shade but very warm in the sun especially when the clouds break.....i do miss SF fog though....
now off to see where i end up...with you in my arms would be nice.....

hello snowflake,
i am in Germany...it is much nicer here than i thought it would be.....the food is good....the wine not so much...and i am sick of beer....but at least the beer tastes good....
i haven't seen much of the city...i am staying downtown,  next to the shopping area on one side and on the other side is the gay neighborhood...there are a couple monuments and a large church....most of the city is new and not very charming.. ..looks a lot like any Midwest city...they boast having more canals and bridges than any other city.....maybe true but they are not very pretty... you don't go walking around this city snapping pictures and feeling like you're in a fairytale movie....
i am in what i think is a classic German eatery/bar....long communal tables with groups of people drinking very large beers and the occasional Jager shot....lots of us are watching the Olympics....cheering on the athletes....some are eating...i can't speak a lick of German, but everyone here has been friendly and welcoming to me...everyone speaks some English and are happy to talk with me...
the service is great here, friendly....i recall how stressed  i was in Paris....i didn't eat....
i had the wrong idea about Germans...i have known a few in my life....of friends from another time...very nice people.....but my impression of Germans overall  was one i felt i wouldn't get along with...i feared a rigged judging culture....maybe there is as bit of classicism in the culture but i must look OK here....everyone has been nice.....i like it so far....
i wasn't excited about this leg of my trip....i am hopeful for Berlin now... who knows maybe you are German....some of the women here are exceedingly beautiful....
whoever you are, wherever you are....i look forward to writing you real letters.....with love, your ?

eat a Hamburger...

And here I am.....one thing about hostels is that you get zero privacy....so no time or space to relieve the pressure....needless to say I am on edge....I even went out looking for a trendy club the other  night with the idea of picking up some  tourist tramp....but then the rains came and sensability came with it....I always feel bad after one of those....I am trying not to keep repeating mistakes....I've done very well.....
But I am still very charged...I am wandering around Hamburg today...that is right Hamburg...why did I come to Hamburg? You might ask...well...why does anyone come to Hamburg?...that is why I came...to answer that question....
the answer is to shop...it is a convenient  stop inbetween cities to do that....
i went out last night....met some guy at my hostel and hit the bars with him...a very talkative guy....Canadian...he was a good companion...
it was Monday night so the bars where quiet....but we managed to find a good spot.......the bar was in the red light district, most of Hamburg night life happens in that area apparently....and it was packed with tourists, the only people going out on a Monday night....
i usually stay to myself when out. maybe talk to the tenders or someone sitting at the bar next to me...i don't pick up on girls, usually i just try to make fiends....but last night i met someone extraordinarily beautiful...
i could tell this girl was different....she stood next to me at the bar ordering drinks for herself and her  two companions....i made a comment about something trying to open a dialogue with her, she was friendly but she wasn't interested in talking to a annoying drunk tourist out to party, who she expected i was....she lived in the next town over and was just killing time waiting for her train.....she went to her friends and i took my leave....I went back to my group, got bored  then walked around the dancing kids...but then instinct took over...i was walking through the crowd and saw her where i left her, in the quiet corner standing with her friends at a high top....and i was overcome, i walked hurriedly to her and exalted  a huge hello as if we were long time friends, it surprised her, i was surprised by it too...she looked at me, eyes wide open, i smiled and realised how strange that was and turned....i liked the spot she chose....by the door at the corner of the bar parallel to the tenders where you can see people ordering drinks and view the dance floor....
so i stayed there observing the crowd, next to her, i felt comfortable next to her...a few moments passed and then she said something to me....and from there we talked.....it was a very brief talk, she had a train to catch....but i enjoyed every word of it....
in the end though nothing will come of it, i gave her my info but i doubt i will hear from her......i will never see her again....i am happy for those brief moments at the bar...

is it dead or sleeping....give it a kick and see what happens.....

blah blah blah.....the last five nights i have gotten very little sleep....sleeping in hostels is difficult for me....and the last two nights before i left Paris i was out very late and up very early.....
it is catching up with me.....my mind is very dreamy, i constantly think about the same question over and over.....i can't answer it...my mind circles around it.....
Scandinavian people are sooo tall....and mostly not very good looking, tall or short ....at least for my taste....but there are so many people from all over here..... and i often feel haunted....those eyes...that smile....every day i get closer....i think more about her....i guess about you since i am sure you are reading this...which makes my feel like i should delete this last paragraph.....but i guess you get to know at least that i am thinking about you...and i wonder if i still would think of you  if i wasn't going north....at least as much.....
so....but there is oh so much more to it isn't there....
this is a blog...not a letter to you.....i like letters though....i should write them...i wish i got them...like people did in the old days....now people just post on FB and call that keeping in touch.....
Amsterdam has been fun so far...the people are great....service has been great  and friendly....last night i was out till five, and a little high from all the second hand smoke....
i did not like the red light district...it kinda sucks there....i don't pay for sex and the bars are filled with men trying to get their  liquid courage up and a couple girls taking advantage of the hordes of drunk horny men.....
i did get lucky though and found a great punk dive bar.....it just needed fernet and a bourbon list and it would have been perfect.....
i am tired but my choices are hang out in a hostel with annoying kids or wander around...there is no point to the direction in which i go....i just keep moving.....and i am worn out....and i feel stinky and dirty.....these are not snow conditions.....

come get it if you have the guts....

Fuck I am so happy to be out of France....the girls there are so timid and gutless....it is so fucking awesome to be in a place where the people freely express themselves....were they dance in the streets and smile.....fuck I missed smiles....
It has become very clear to me, snowflake, that i will see you...dancing, laughing, loving life........I could smile at you,  flash my eyes towards you,  sit next to you,  talk with you,  touch you so slightly,  kiss you even.. ...but if I do all that, I wont have respect for you....I can't....I want more.....

R No snowflake,  I  probably won't say hello I will just go about having a good time until you make me notice...because I am to be won....to the woman who demands me...the woman who claims me to be hers.....the woman who looks deep into my wandering eyes and says, "those eyes are mine. These lips are mine. This heart is mine.  You will no longer wonder what life with anyone else could be like. You love me and only me as I love you and only you.....forever....there is nothing to think about...now take me" and I will...with love so intense you won't believe it to be real.....love so giving, so tender,  so true....love you will never be able to replace....

This could all be much worse...

Hello snowflake....today is my sightseeing day in Brussels.....i saw everything worth seeing before lunch....nothing was very impressive.....i don't have the money to go into museums but i doubt there was anything i missed....it is a nice little town to stroll through.....and the beers are wonderful.....i imagine the chocolate here is just as fine....i would buy a box if you were here to share them with....but i just don't have that much of a sweet tooth.....
i have another 24 hours of time to fill here..... the weather is so nice and the people are so relaxed it could be really easy to spend all day at a patio sampling beers and talking about life....
Today had been an up and down crazy day....now I need a hug.....on the surface everything is OK....better than OK....I am city hopping in Europe.....but travel can be a little uneasy...not knowing who to trust...trying to save money but still trying to have fun...yah I could definitely use a hug....some friendly comfort....

love letters.....to nobody....

OK my love...i am in Brussels.....i just walked through downtown city centre .....stumbled on the gay friendly strip of bars and had a few beers with some locals....they spoke a bit too fast for me to keep up but my French is getting much better.... it is nice to walk into a place and just start talking with strangers....although it wasn't without effort....but a success that never happened in France.... they were OK, i got bored though....maybe you  would have had fun....
so rushing back to the hostel to shower,change,  and pee, i smelled that familiar sent of street fair food.....grilled corn.....i fucking love it ...so i turned and went for it....also figured they had to have bathrooms....

...and like Paris they brought the beach to the river for the summer.....but they did it much better here....they have a line of food stands and bars....the feel of it is more like a party and less of a way to ditch your kids..... it's much more like being at a exotic beach than Paris felt.....it is almost sunset here...the sun has filled my skin with warmth and now the breeze perfectly cools it....i strolled up and down the strip until i found a nice spot for dinner... you would love it.....a nice tropical drink....sand at your feet...the beat of the music moving your soul.....this would be a great start to our evening my love... your seat is here, empty for now...but someday we will figure it out and it will snow in SF...until then...much love from a beach in Brussels....yours always...

the end to a loveless story....

can't believe i am leaving Paris.... as much as i don't like this city....i can't imagine a city as beautiful...but then again the beauty  of it is only surface deep... and a place is only as good as its people....so on the road i go....i hope to find a city a like....i hope to be surprised....
but i still have about 24 hours left here... time for a good meal....and to say goodbye to my friends, bar tenders and bar flies of'course....none Parisians....
i think though if i had enough time and spoke the language i could find the good Parisians of the city....my server right now seems very nice....but then again she just said she spent time in SF and prefers it there....could just be polite talk though....
i wonder if any of the people I've invited to SF will take me up on it...funny if i have a parade of Europeans crashing on my couch in the future....
i truly am happy to be here....to know this city at least a little....but in the end Paris n i should just be friends....
these next three weeks i hope will be amazing....

dancing with myself.... but i want to dance with somebody....

i wasn't going to write today.... but the day brought me here anyway.... sometimes finding a place to eat can be very stressful....i had wanted to try out a spot but it was packed when i got there...starving and frustrated because things like this have been happening a lot lately i began to panic, yesterday i went most of the day without eating....i just hadn't found a place i wanted to eat at, so i kept moving.....eating alone sucks already, but it is so much worse when the house is packed and the server is swamped with higher ticket tables he spends way more time at then getting you anything.....i get it, it doesn't make me angry, but frustrated i can't get a good meal....if i had a partner on this adventure i would have no problem walking into many of these places....at least then i could talk with someone while waiting..... instead of sitting alone feeling like an unwelcomed fool....
anyway....so today i was trying not to fall into that same trap....of wandering around aimlessly starving and sad....and being that it is Sunday the grocery stores are closed...so stupid....so i walked...everyplace was too packed or too expensive or not what i wanted or too empty, my mind was killing me...that chatter in my head building the frustration...
that voice....sometimes it gets me where i need to be....sometimes it fills me with anxiety.... all the random ideas the ongoing arguments...traveling alone you get real acquainted with it....with yourself...
i recently have been trying to convince myself a life alone is my only choice so i could defeat that voice in my head that keeps telling me i should find someone to love...i feel frustrated,  relationships have not been kind to me....but i have to love....i argue that if i never knew what love was i would never miss it....the loneliness is sometimes very overwhelming...i can't function normally....the desire to love and have a family overwhelms me and the failure and inability to figure out how to make that happen is so stressful i have constant anxiety....seeing all these families here traveling together making memories....seeing all the young couples in love in Paris....i fucking feel so sad i don't have that, that i am not even close to having that...and then i think about how odd i am and chances and probabilities....of how not funny i am, how unmanly i am, how tiny i am...finding someone who wants a guy like me and is a girl that i want....impossible....and i go out and find no one...meet no one...i stumble home crying in the streets...trying to get home as fast as i can to curl up and pass out...........this is the voice i am trying to stop...to settle with being alone instead of crying over it....be happy and accept who i am....alone....
but i think both voices are wrong....i want to be in love...i want a family....there is nothing wrong with that.....i can't be sad about being alone.....i have learned and know i am an addict and will do anything and i mean ANYTHING for love, another reason i was staying away from love....i have sobered up though....i think my heart can see clearly now....i feel good about myself....i know the right girl will be very happy in love with me.....
so i think i am ready now...i feel better this way....so what does this really mean.......i am not out actively trying to make love happen,  smiling at every attractive girl that goes by...i think it is just trying not to get anxious....to be ok with failures of the day....to never let envy get the best of me. ..to be OK with being alone today, but to be able to want love without hurting for it...like saying you hope it will snow this year in SF,  knowing it probably won't happen....but it could....and if it doesn't maybe it will next year.....there is nothing you can do about it but live your life and hope....