Part dos...

So much to do...i hope i have the time....i hope i get it all right....and in the end as i lock up those doors i will be out in the cold...miserably waiting for the buss...i hope i can get some satisfaction for properly executing my part in the evening....

But i am missing what i had....i took the job because i was tired of having to make every decision and have every question go my way at bossa...it was hard and not worth it in the end because i was asked to treat that place like i owned it without getting the rewards....so i took a job in a place where i have only a small piece to worry about....it was great at first...but now i am bored...

This party tonight...i have an important roll in it, but i want more....i kinda dont care about it...

Part un.

Is just a number on a made up calender....but i already said that here before....i.cant remember the last time i didnt work on newyears....last year was a success...this year i am responsible for someones wedding...strange to get married on new years...i think its a second wedding though...maybe a renew of vows...but non the less i am responsible for it going well...and i feel conflicted and scared....

Wings and insomnia...and another pointless ramble...

Cant sleep....too much redbull last night....it was my friends birthday and everyone was out to celibrate...it was nice...but everyday i feel less....you are missing....i talk here to you and yet you will never see these words for what they mean...you are a faded dream to me...not real....to live without you love...to be without you love...to be a shell...walking dead....a zombie....love is in my every thought....but i cant....i mustn't....i write it here for nobody to see....i leave my desire for love here with my heart....

And in my everyday i pretend nothing matters....to those i speak with i never mention these words...to everyone who knows me i am just who i always am....whatever it is they want me to be....

But to you here...my love...you know....these flowers are for you....these hands wait for you...my devotion to you is unmatched...my trust in you is clear and forever... but you dont know that...i cant show you what you mean to me....i cant tell you how important you are...i can only write fragments of my feelings here...but even if you read this, you couldnt understand...these words are meaningless without you to inspire them...

I need to sleep...

Sound asleep is my heart...

What does matter....i had loved....there is one thing we have in common.....i have changed, love has changed me....i am years behind yet so many years to go....what matters to you, your life so different....i have no idea....but i do know you love....your love comes hard and fast and without doubt....but love does not mean to you what it does to me....our loves equal in intensity, our desire to be in love matched....but what matters to me....to feel loved...to feel understood....to feel trusted and heard....that matters to me more than anything....anything.

Until we find each other....

Not sure what to say....i am tired...as usual....it has been a very busy week, but that is when i am at my best....it always amazes me when i read the cover count at the end of a busy night...but overall there isnt much to say...my work is a boring place....beautiful day though sunny and clear out over the ocean....

Dear love....i have lots to tell you...but only when i can stare deep into your eyes...only when ur light can bring me smiles....only when my hand can explore your body...only when ur scent fills my lungs and i can feel your breadth on my skin....

XOXO

another sunny december day in SF...

Four things have occupied my mind these days....my dream last night, a recurring one of my life, my home, my true dream...

christmas is today...I am not one to celibate it...

although when in a relationship it is always fun...and so is trips to wine country, another thing on my mind...I want to go wine tasting, fallowed by an awesome dinner and a romantic night, then fallowed by hot lava mud bathes and messages then soaking in hot spring water bathes the next day...I love living close to those things and I want to experience them one more time before I leave...that is if I leave for good...

And of'coarse, Paris....moving...the fact that love is not here for me, it never was in any way...The more people I date here, the more people I meet here, the more I realize I will never find her here...and I dont belong here...

So I rewrote my plan for life...so maybe I get a spot in France or Spain on the sea...or in Paris, or in champagne itself...i don't know where now exactly...maybe i buy a few rows of a vineyard or a piece of one...and I set up shop, sell my own champagne in my lounge, with the love of my life, is she the chef, the maitre d, the bartender, the ceo and chief of marketing, does she run the floor every night entertaining everyone with ease, making friends nightly, does she control the back of the house creating master pieces of eatable art, or does she use her genius, drive, and likable personality to propel the business into a fiscally thriving amazing company...in any way is it a fault I want to work with her...because when you get to my first thought, my dream, I am always at work, in fact my work is my home, and my home is not a home unless she is there too with me...

But what if life is more like my nightmare, more like reality...am I more like my father, and will make it impossible for my love to work with me...will I alienate my family, will my work consume my life...will I not even start a family...could it be she doesnt want to work with me, perfect in every way but that...i dont know...But then again, I have learned and grown...sure there are things in my genes I cant control, but I can do the things my parents failed to do, because I have seen the pitfalls of their mistakes...reality is still here...and I am lost

This is sushi...

If only....

Again you misses the point...

I totally understand you...i get you...you make sense to me...i know what you want....and i have it here for you.....but you dont get me....you dont understand me....you dont realize i have what u want right here.....i make no sense to you....here i am...but u cant see me

sometimes you let the things you love go, and they cant come back...

fucking shit...i had the best dream....i dreamed i had a big fluffy yellow lab as a pet and all it wanted to do was cuddle...it was great...it was raining out so the dog was in the house...but then i remembered it should be let out i cant be selfish and keep it with me always, so i opened a door and he jumped out and pooped...then he got all muddy and wet in the rain...so he couldnt comeback in to cuddle...I was sad...then it got really wierd, too wierd to share...then I woke up...

It's all in the wrist....

So i lost....but then again in ur eyes only....besides i wasnt even competing....i just do what i do and somehow in the end i do alright....some might say i won...but trophy's dont mean shit to me...its all in how u play the game...i play with class and ease....maybe its cuz i dont care how i place...its not to say i dont care how i do though....in fact i care deeply about how well i do....i strive to do great and be my best and then to better myself....to grow at every missed step....but for me there is no winner....i compete only with myself and i cant lose and win....so go ahead compare yourself to me....i dont care....in the end it doesn't matter who u think is winning.....who r u to say anyway....i lost...says you....

If this were a game I would hit reset and try to start over...

It is funny how Matrix like life is...in a city of 2 million an area of 5 million people, it is still often that you meet people you have some sort of connection with u already ...and why do so many people look alike, at my work there is a girl who looks like one of my exes, and I cant help but think about her every time I see her, and last night i met a woman that looked just like one of my other exes, the amazing thing is how different each girl made me feel, one I feel confused when I am reminded of her, the other I feel nothing, the fact is I cant figure out why the past keeps haunting me, why do i bump into people and things that connect to painful memories for me, why is my memory so sad..

I am excited about leaving this town, excited about trying something different, I wish I had more time, time is running out, and each day that goes by without love is wasted...

I regret a lot of my choices I made in my life...i wasted away so much...

there is no plan, where you are, who you are, when we meet...it is not written....

windmills, skull tasting drinks, red vines, walking anywhere with anyone other than you...everyday...i am reminded...I dont understand why...why the moment I was ready and able is the some moment things changed...things make perfect sense but at the same time completely suck... I can see my own reasons...but why the haunting...why the persistence into my life...

We must be meant for something else, but there must be a reason you dont leave my thoughts...I could never understand what drew us together in the first place, it was all wrong in so many ways...yet i could not resist...what is the reason for that...but then I see it happen over and over....perfect again...as we were, as you had me fooled...as I was told when I was 18, and over and over again...Love is a liar...

and the moment you believe in Love..it rips your heart out and smashes it into the ground...

where is this post going, where did it begin, what is it about...fuck if I know...a little of this and that all put together for no reason...

Maybe I should have just walked my drunk ass home...where would I be now if that happened...where would you be?

It's good to be single...sometimes...

Sometimes i hate that this place isn't completely private, or I can block who reads it....i really have no idea who reads this...most often it's exes....i dont know what they r looking for....for me to say "they are the greatest thing that ever happened to me and they will always have me and the time they were in my life was the best days of my life"....sorry but that isnt true, for all of you....fact is all you are is a learning lesson....dont do that again....I feel indifferent towards them really...the love was real and I am fond of my exes, but if we met again,there would be nothing...

Maybe they are looking to verify they didnt make a mistake and be sure of their decision to move on...and in that i am sure i keep them satisfied....or they want to see how I am, but dont't have the balls to just ask...

But here is where I want to say how much my heart hurts....i cant say that though....i don't want anyone jumping to conclusions....

Here is where i want to say I wish it worked out....but the truth is that would take them being a different person, because it didnt work out for a reason...what i really wish that happened, my first love traci back when I was 18....I wish you were also my last love, the one that went forever....how crazy would that have changed my life....everything would be different, but most importantly I would never know what losing love felt like...It is better to have loved and lost, sure, but it's even better to have loved and never lost...

my heart hurts...i feel defeated, hopeless, and alone...

You are the last time i fall for that old line...

Ten minutes to wait fir the train in this shit hole of a bar....at least it is warm....sometimes you can have the best day....then you get smacked in the face with an empty bag of nothing...and it dropes you to the ground....today work wise was a breez...my shit was on point...my duties done with ease, my coworkers respect me and my bosses are happy with my work...i am where i am supposed to be all the time...
And there it is i sit down in complete control of my surroundings, making jokes, taking it with stride....ready to go have a good time after work....ready to flirt and play and enjoy this awesome city and its people...
Then as if the world knows u just decided you're ok....smack in the face....here u go fucker, no actually today sucked shit and so will tomorrow....your heart is a pile a broken ash and garbage....your soul is dead, and your brain is running on autopilot, no one is home.....

Love who ur with....or make the best of it...until i can get there.

What to say....i made it....what a fucking long week....three nights of five hour sleep and Four 14hr workdays in a row sucked....good shit it started with lots of rest....but fuck it is done....now time to relax...or....drink lots of coffee and cram as many activities as i can in two day....12hours of  sleep done...time for coffee and food...some reading...then who knows what....

Money well spent.

Fuck it...saw a cab outside my work and decided to take it....fifty bucks spent on cabs today....so worth it....i keep thinking more n more about france....i really cant wait....i hope it goes well...be so awesome if i can get a job there...the sleep i got has really helped me out....clear thoughts n lots of energy today....hope i can keep it going, this is a busy week....lots of meetings and things to get done...

I feel beautiful....

I literally spent the whole day yesterday sleeping....in fact i passed out after dinner early the night before...i think my body finally hit its limit and shut down....and still this morning after sleeping all those hours i still hit the snooze button so many times that i missed my buss...and so here i am in a taxi...late for work. Man i dont like my job....i wont be happy until i open my own place....

You say u need a hammer...ummm...i got a screwdriver...

Thank fucking shit yes the week is over....i am tired....running around trying to do everything....and...not in love with anyone ...not worried about changing that...going to get some chores done, have dinner wit friends, learn some french, and read about wine.

It is true I am working for the weekend.... saving for my future..... I have no idea if or how I'm gonna do what I want to do... do not throw down the pipe dreams.... I was given a tool belt with holes in the pockets and a broken buckle....

But I got a belt....I am making it work... the holes are stitched, the buckle is still broken....