absolutly nothing to do with everything...

There are times in ones life when everything seems so distant - the job you want - the partner you want - the life you want - sometimes it feels like you may never get those things - sometimes it feels like your just two steps to achieving it all - I am scared of October - it has always been a month of transition for me - Fall going into Winter - sure we don't have traditional seasons here in SF - but there R noticeable changes - so this year I have stayed in a lot - living a hermits life afraid to live - what would happen to me if I fell into someone's arms tonight - what if I got what I want - the idea is fucking frightening - I am a straight guy who regulars gay bars - why? - because nothing can happen there - sure a few times I stumbled into the straight girl - but she's never there looking for love - it's still safe - I guess I am a slacker - waiting for something to happen - that life changing moment that you end up forgetting about years later when you look back and say - I did it - If that moment exists - I am afraid of it - but I also dream about it - One week left in October - one year it happened on Halloween the last fucking day - this year maybe nothing will happen - I write blogs because I have to communicate - I know only a couple peeps read it but I don't care if no one did - blogging is like masturbation - it's nice to get the release but you just feel empty afterwards -

What was I talking about again....?

So I get home from Oktoberfest kinda drunk and tired and before I know it - Jason and English James are calling me out to do a shot of Jaeger before we head out for the night – So like a champ I pull up my britches take my shot and stumble down to BOC - The night itself was kinda boring but the conversations and events within the night were very entertaining to me - between bars we stopped back to visit the roof and have shots -yup more Jaeger – then drama – long boring story later I’m bored as hell at Badlands and English James is no longer part of the party – Before I know it, its just me and my cousin so we go to the Cafe for last call but I don’t remember much of it - In fact it wasn’t ‘till a couple days later Jason tells me I was at BOC for last call and some how, as par for the course, we invited to the house some guests - Jason has some nice pics of this on his blog - I am leaning against the wall in a Pic because at that point I could no longer stand up on my own - I finished off the night drinking very old bad wine - well actually spilling it everywhere as I rambled on about god knows what -

after about 3 hours of sleep I wake up Sunday still drunk and late for work -

Fucking champagne Sunday was hell -splitting headache upset stomach and my coworkers keep offering me shots - then it was a couple of the staffs last night and they all went out to celebrate - Several shots later my phone rings and its a number I should have not picked up - but 36 hours of drink'n can impair your judgment - luckily the conversation was ok –

Hey its Saturday again….

So I went to meet Dave and Kev at Oktoberfest Saturday

Walking down to where the festival was three young guys stopped me – one asked if I was going to the fest and if I would like to buy a ticket - They told me they work security and have extra tickets…It all seemed very spontaneous to me as if they didn’t plan at all to do this but one of them saw me and decided to take the opportunity – so I bought one at discount - they then told me not to wait in line just go straight to the door – they were adamant about that - as I walked down to the door I saw a line 200 people deep - I was like OK I am going to just walk past all these people and go right in huh - so I casually walk towards the front door and sloooowly finish my smoke - than "act like you own the place" I walk pass some people to the front door, present my ticket, get my wristband, and I am in -- YEAH for no waiting line - that would have sucked -

So I meet up with Dave and Kev who are already completely faded - neither one were making any sense just mumbling random words and bumping into people - it was like hanging out with two retards - seriously - so I took the initiative for their sake and finished their beers - 60 ounces later and we were three drunken retards - Their isn't much to say about Oktoberfest it kinda sucked - lots of drunks and lederhosen - Some guy puked right where we were sitting - than I almost get into a fight - some asshole shoved me a couple times - apparently I was too sexy for him - he couldn’t handle my suaveness dancing on the bench beside him - anyway - eventually I was getting tired of Jaeger shots and German lager so I had to go - besides my friends were out of control and the lighting in there wasn't doing anything for me -

"Endurance is more important than truth." - C.B.

OK So absolutely nothing happened Saturday - except for a little excessive excess - and a chat with an ex - Sorry it's late and I cant sleep so the tragedy of my mild case of logorrhea is spilling onto this post -

I had no idea what I was in for when I woke up Saturday morning - A friend called me early around 8AM - I had just fallen asleep a few hours earlier - I eventually got out of bed to hear a message that a couple of friends are in town and they are having some beers at Oktoberfest in Fort Mason - I haven't seen either one in a long time - I was happy to see old friends but apprehensive because these friends are professional drinkers - They have that special talent of Endurance -

So I headed out to meet them - the trains were not running this morning - unfortunately someone tragically decided this life wasn't worth it and stepped in front of a K train at church station - So I walked a bit more than I wanted to and on my walk I bumped into my cousin Juan on the sidewalk - Such a small town I live in - we chat and decide to meet up later that night - I then take a cab to Van Ness and hop onto the 49 to Fort Mason -

Fort Mason is the last stop for the 49 and as the other Passengers and I are getting off the driver says "Bye cupcake" to a man in front of me - the man takes a couple steps away from the buss then realizes what was said turns around and starts yelling back at the driver challenging him to step outside - The driver stopped the buss and stood up as if to take the passengers challenge to fight - but he than sat down closed the door and drove away - the passenger stormed away swearing into the air - It was then I turned around and realized the cool view of Alcatraz so I got a picture –

It was about 3pm when I arrived at Fort Mason a bit tired from Friday night’s excursions but I had no idea it wouldn’t be ‘till around 3am Monday that I would finally get some rest…

Have we met?

Ahhh Monday night again and time to reflect on the past weekends chaos - - Its nice to go through the pics on Monday and remember the good times you forgot happened -

Like these three strangers I met on the walk home Friday night - It was about half past 2AM and these three were in a deep philosophical conversation about the San Francisco gay and whether or not they have the right to be so elitist or is the elitism itself hypocritical – I don’t know really I was just a drunk wandering by amazed this guy was so fucking comfortable laying on the sidewalk -

Ohhh and one of them had these amazing chocolates that tasted sooo good - they were...butterscotch or something...imported form France I think.... Yummy though whatever they were -

I don’t know what to do with myself

Life is a fucking rollercoaster – the things you think are ruining your life can turn out to be the very same things that make it all work – I don’t believe all things will work out in the end – there is no fairy godmother to come along and turn your rags into riches and your evil boss into a toad – I don’t believe that all you have to do is be a good person than good things will happen for you – Karma can only take you so far – fate is only one step in the whole scheme of things –

I was walking home late one night at about 5am after the EndUp – I met my future wife there – she was gorgeous, amazing to talk to, a fantastic dancer, a sensual sweet kisser, almost perfect – I say almost because apparently at 5am she decided to remember she has a boyfriend and it was time for her to leave – so after a pathetic rebound dance with a girl from Kentucky who just didn’t measure up – I left alone walking home – I got down on myself on the walk home – wondering what I have to do to make things work out – If I was a better person, maybe if I gave more to the world, when is karma gonna come back around to me – Is this as good as it gets? –

I’ve been struggling for some time with this idea – Is there Love out there waiting for me? Are my life goals practical? - One night I was at the Mint outside and this street guy came walking by and noticed I was in and emotional down fall – he sat and talked to me for about an hour trying to cheer me up – He said he was an angel sent down to help people like me – so I asked him “how does someone let go of the pain from being alone and feeling unloved” – He gave me every cliché in the book “…lemons, make lemonade”, “…light at the end of the tunnel”, “…love yourself first”, “Your time will come”, and my fave “there is a reason for everything” type shit - and I shot them all down cuz when you get down to it there are no words that can make the lonely realize loneliness is ok -

Scenes from TrannyShack Tuesday

Monistat hosting the TrannyShack last Tuesday...

Outside Before the show...

Heklina's opening number....

Monistats opening number....very lovely...

Opening show banter

Dress Change...MMMM my favorite!!

A couple of the more or less memorable acts....

Final dress change....Red Hot!!

Thank You Monistat for the Great Show!!

Everybody Hates The Wonder Years or 1984 pt. 2

So my family was busy moving our things into our new home – I was a tiny 8 year-old – I couldn’t do much real help but my father – the ever persistent workaholic – wouldn’t have me just watch so I walked under the couch with my arms up pretending to be helping as my brothers and father heaved it up the steps towards the front door – Luckily a savior came to my rescue – The neighbor girl came walking up to say hi – She was my age – blond, blue eyed, nice looking girl with a plate of brownies in her hand – “Hi my name is Allison…”

This is the moment in a drama where the teen love song comes on and she appears to move in slow motion with her hair blowing in the wind and we make eye contact – and a love interest is created –

No not in my life – instead as she stuck around and chatted with my family I found her to be a strange person and a bit annoying - I remember arguing about the name of our street “Lei St.” Allison pronounced it with a long E like Lee – as my brothers and I argued it was pronounced with a Long A like Lay – Argh – I bet she STILL pronounces it “Lee”

Despite the awkwardness – I immediately enjoyed hanging out with her - we became good friends – Allison introduced me to the other kids in the neighborhood – except Jim – my polar opposite on the street – throughout the third grade, Allison was who I hung out with after school – There really wasn’t anyone else around to play with -

A lot of things about us were different – we went to different schools – we had very different parents with hugely different parenting styles – my parents were strict and old fashioned and Allison’s where about timeouts and then family time – basically she was my introduction to white American culture – I remember milk at dinner being the strangest thing to me –

I have tones of stories about her and I – I went through the gambit of emotions with Allison – We kissed once – we also played “show me yours I’ll show you mine” – we also fought a bit about stupid things like is Michael’s “Beat-it” or Weird Al’s “Eat-it” a better song – I remember always trying to look cool around her and always ending up looking foolish - The truth of the matter is Allison became my first “Girl Buddy”

It seems that throughout my life I have always had a “Girl Buddy” – someone who I talk to and Love and care about to the point where I sometimes think I am “In Love” – but there’s usually nothing there – most guys call it being in “the Friends Zone” and I’m just not aggressive enough with my emotions – Truth is I enjoy having a “Girl buddy” in my life – I don’t know what came first (3rd grade or my traits) – but I am the type of guy that likes to hang out with girls and hear gossip – well girls or gay guys – who seem to have taken girl drama to a whole new level – and I find it very relaxing – reliving the third grade in a whole new way.

What would be in my IPOD if I had one:

About five years ago technology changed and I began my Mp3 collection – my first musical obsession became retro pop music cuz that was the only good music available to download other than the days pop shit – as more shit became available, I went on to explore and download everything – I spent hours of insomniac nights downloading -

So about six months ago - five years later of downloading music - I had a nice collection of music – Six months ago my computer crashed and I lost it all.

Now I have no idea what music I like best - but I guess If I had to make a list here are my top artists in no order – cuz there’s a song for every mood and type of music for every moment these are just some that you should know about:

1. Ozomatli – B-Side Players – Manu Chao - Orishas
2. NOFX -Citizen Fish - Lagwagon – Guttermouth – Pennywise (all pre 1996 cpt NOFX)
3. Bad Brains - The Germs - The Circle Jerks - Dead Kennedys - The Misfits - Descendents - Minor Threat
4. Thelonious Monk - Bud Powell - Horace Silver - Herbie Hancock
5. Anthrax – Megadeth – Slayer - Pantera - Suicidal Tendencies
6. João & Bebel Gilberto - Poncho Sanchez - Tito Puente - Buena Vista SC -
7. Billie Holiday - Sarah Vaughan – Nina Simone
8. Jimi Hendrix - Stevie Ray Vaughan
9. Medeski, Martin, & Wood - Galactic - G. Love & Special Sauce - Ben Harper - Charlie Hunter - John Scofield
10. MC Solaar – Madlib – Camp Lo – Guru – Thievery Corporation – Digable Planets -
11. Al Green – Curtis Mayfield – Stevie Wonder – Sam Cooke – Maze – Marvin Gaye – Musiq -
12. N.W.A. – Too Short – E-40 – DJ Quick – Run DMC - Public Enemy – Basehead – The Roots – The Pharcyde – OutKast -
13. –India Arie- Erykuh Badu – D’Angelo – Alicia Keys – Maxwell – Jill Scott
14. Willie Nelson – Merle haggard – Hank Williams – Buck Owens - Carl Perkins – Gene Vincent – Johnny Cash
15. Buddy Guy – John Lee Hooker – Ron Levy – Muddy Waters – T-Bone Walker – Big Daddy Kinsey
16. Jewel – Lisa Loeb – Fiona Apple – Julieta Venegas - Elliot Smith – Julie Doiron – Pedro the Lion – Rocky Votolato

Picture stolen from www.sofiveminutesago.org/