500 days later...

i like Berlin....on the surface....it is a huge city,  very spread out....ended up sight seeing yesterday....lots of emotional war and death reminders.....and shopping malls....i have noticed that there are not many foreigners living here....at least not in the amounts i have seen in other cities, maybe it is the areas i have been in, there is probably a ghetto somewhere...
still though, there is much diversity in the kinds of establishments....speaking of i can't believe i will be in Sweden tonight....land of homogany...i am hoping though Stockholm will be different....i have hope for lots of things there....for something to be fun....i really don't know what to expect....coldness, shallow polite kindness, joy and true excitement, hate, love, tears, guilt, a fight,  a kiss, a game, honesty,  boredom, confusion, an open window or a guarded wall.....something can be anything.....what if it snows....now that would be something.

My darling snowflake,
Berlin is under my feet today....this is a city....very spread out....and again not pretty...but there is charm here....spent the day walking yesterday....i would have done better renting a bike....there is not a lot to see inbetween destinations....boring buildings and overgrown bushes and grass...and then cross a busy street,  turn a corner,  and like magic i would come across a building covered in street art, then a coffee shop built into what would seem a deserted space but inside art covers the walls and a mic lays waiting for a poet to spill her heart....i found a very nice neighborhood, the streets are narrow and lined with trees... there are a variety of bars and restaurants everywhere, i love the diversity, on one block you can find a metal bar, a trendy bar, a hip restaurant, a gay bar, a sushi spot, and so much more, now this is more like San Francisco.....well this part of town is anyway....you couldn't imagine the joy i felt  when i found a great bar playing good music, tattoo covered tenders, and serving cheap stiff drinks....i jumped in the street and gave a giddy first pump.....
the people are  so nice here...and i like the styles, it is not strange to see people with pink, blue, or green colored hair....i thought to myself how nice it was to see normal people....
not sure what i will do today....just finished a delicious brunch of cheese and fruits,  i think i just want to find a park and sit in the sun.....the weather here reminds me of a nice SF day, a slight breeze, a bit cold in the shade but very warm in the sun especially when the clouds break.....i do miss SF fog though....
now off to see where i end up...with you in my arms would be nice.....

hello snowflake,
i am in Germany...it is much nicer here than i thought it would be.....the food is good....the wine not so much...and i am sick of beer....but at least the beer tastes good....
i haven't seen much of the city...i am staying downtown,  next to the shopping area on one side and on the other side is the gay neighborhood...there are a couple monuments and a large church....most of the city is new and not very charming.. ..looks a lot like any Midwest city...they boast having more canals and bridges than any other city.....maybe true but they are not very pretty... you don't go walking around this city snapping pictures and feeling like you're in a fairytale movie....
i am in what i think is a classic German eatery/bar....long communal tables with groups of people drinking very large beers and the occasional Jager shot....lots of us are watching the Olympics....cheering on the athletes....some are eating...i can't speak a lick of German, but everyone here has been friendly and welcoming to me...everyone speaks some English and are happy to talk with me...
the service is great here, friendly....i recall how stressed  i was in Paris....i didn't eat....
i had the wrong idea about Germans...i have known a few in my life....of friends from another time...very nice people.....but my impression of Germans overall  was one i felt i wouldn't get along with...i feared a rigged judging culture....maybe there is as bit of classicism in the culture but i must look OK here....everyone has been nice.....i like it so far....
i wasn't excited about this leg of my trip....i am hopeful for Berlin now... who knows maybe you are German....some of the women here are exceedingly beautiful....
whoever you are, wherever you are....i look forward to writing you real letters.....with love, your ?

eat a Hamburger...

And here I am.....one thing about hostels is that you get zero privacy....so no time or space to relieve the pressure....needless to say I am on edge....I even went out looking for a trendy club the other  night with the idea of picking up some  tourist tramp....but then the rains came and sensability came with it....I always feel bad after one of those....I am trying not to keep repeating mistakes....I've done very well.....
But I am still very charged...I am wandering around Hamburg today...that is right Hamburg...why did I come to Hamburg? You might ask...well...why does anyone come to Hamburg?...that is why I came...to answer that question....
the answer is to shop...it is a convenient  stop inbetween cities to do that....
i went out last night....met some guy at my hostel and hit the bars with him...a very talkative guy....Canadian...he was a good companion...
it was Monday night so the bars where quiet....but we managed to find a good spot.......the bar was in the red light district, most of Hamburg night life happens in that area apparently....and it was packed with tourists, the only people going out on a Monday night....
i usually stay to myself when out. maybe talk to the tenders or someone sitting at the bar next to me...i don't pick up on girls, usually i just try to make fiends....but last night i met someone extraordinarily beautiful...
i could tell this girl was different....she stood next to me at the bar ordering drinks for herself and her  two companions....i made a comment about something trying to open a dialogue with her, she was friendly but she wasn't interested in talking to a annoying drunk tourist out to party, who she expected i was....she lived in the next town over and was just killing time waiting for her train.....she went to her friends and i took my leave....I went back to my group, got bored  then walked around the dancing kids...but then instinct took over...i was walking through the crowd and saw her where i left her, in the quiet corner standing with her friends at a high top....and i was overcome, i walked hurriedly to her and exalted  a huge hello as if we were long time friends, it surprised her, i was surprised by it too...she looked at me, eyes wide open, i smiled and realised how strange that was and turned....i liked the spot she chose....by the door at the corner of the bar parallel to the tenders where you can see people ordering drinks and view the dance floor....
so i stayed there observing the crowd, next to her, i felt comfortable next to her...a few moments passed and then she said something to me....and from there we talked.....it was a very brief talk, she had a train to catch....but i enjoyed every word of it....
in the end though nothing will come of it, i gave her my info but i doubt i will hear from her......i will never see her again....i am happy for those brief moments at the bar...

is it dead or sleeping....give it a kick and see what happens.....

blah blah blah.....the last five nights i have gotten very little sleep....sleeping in hostels is difficult for me....and the last two nights before i left Paris i was out very late and up very early.....
it is catching up with me.....my mind is very dreamy, i constantly think about the same question over and over.....i can't answer it...my mind circles around it.....
Scandinavian people are sooo tall....and mostly not very good looking, tall or short ....at least for my taste....but there are so many people from all over here..... and i often feel haunted....those eyes...that smile....every day i get closer....i think more about her....i guess about you since i am sure you are reading this...which makes my feel like i should delete this last paragraph.....but i guess you get to know at least that i am thinking about you...and i wonder if i still would think of you  if i wasn't going north....at least as much.....
so....but there is oh so much more to it isn't there....
this is a blog...not a letter to you.....i like letters though....i should write them...i wish i got them...like people did in the old days....now people just post on FB and call that keeping in touch.....
Amsterdam has been fun so far...the people are great....service has been great  and friendly....last night i was out till five, and a little high from all the second hand smoke....
i did not like the red light district...it kinda sucks there....i don't pay for sex and the bars are filled with men trying to get their  liquid courage up and a couple girls taking advantage of the hordes of drunk horny men.....
i did get lucky though and found a great punk dive bar.....it just needed fernet and a bourbon list and it would have been perfect.....
i am tired but my choices are hang out in a hostel with annoying kids or wander around...there is no point to the direction in which i go....i just keep moving.....and i am worn out....and i feel stinky and dirty.....these are not snow conditions.....

come get it if you have the guts....

Fuck I am so happy to be out of France....the girls there are so timid and gutless....it is so fucking awesome to be in a place where the people freely express themselves....were they dance in the streets and smile.....fuck I missed smiles....
It has become very clear to me, snowflake, that i will see you...dancing, laughing, loving life........I could smile at you,  flash my eyes towards you,  sit next to you,  talk with you,  touch you so slightly,  kiss you even.. ...but if I do all that, I wont have respect for you....I can't....I want more.....

R No snowflake,  I  probably won't say hello I will just go about having a good time until you make me notice...because I am to be won....to the woman who demands me...the woman who claims me to be hers.....the woman who looks deep into my wandering eyes and says, "those eyes are mine. These lips are mine. This heart is mine.  You will no longer wonder what life with anyone else could be like. You love me and only me as I love you and only you.....forever....there is nothing to think about...now take me" and I will...with love so intense you won't believe it to be real.....love so giving, so tender,  so true....love you will never be able to replace....

This could all be much worse...

Hello snowflake....today is my sightseeing day in Brussels.....i saw everything worth seeing before lunch....nothing was very impressive.....i don't have the money to go into museums but i doubt there was anything i missed....it is a nice little town to stroll through.....and the beers are wonderful.....i imagine the chocolate here is just as fine....i would buy a box if you were here to share them with....but i just don't have that much of a sweet tooth.....
i have another 24 hours of time to fill here..... the weather is so nice and the people are so relaxed it could be really easy to spend all day at a patio sampling beers and talking about life....
Today had been an up and down crazy day....now I need a hug.....on the surface everything is OK....better than OK....I am city hopping in Europe.....but travel can be a little uneasy...not knowing who to trust...trying to save money but still trying to have fun...yah I could definitely use a hug....some friendly comfort....

love letters.....to nobody....

OK my love...i am in Brussels.....i just walked through downtown city centre .....stumbled on the gay friendly strip of bars and had a few beers with some locals....they spoke a bit too fast for me to keep up but my French is getting much better.... it is nice to walk into a place and just start talking with strangers....although it wasn't without effort....but a success that never happened in France.... they were OK, i got bored though....maybe you  would have had fun....
so rushing back to the hostel to shower,change,  and pee, i smelled that familiar sent of street fair food.....grilled corn.....i fucking love it ...so i turned and went for it....also figured they had to have bathrooms....

...and like Paris they brought the beach to the river for the summer.....but they did it much better here....they have a line of food stands and bars....the feel of it is more like a party and less of a way to ditch your kids..... it's much more like being at a exotic beach than Paris felt.....it is almost sunset here...the sun has filled my skin with warmth and now the breeze perfectly cools it....i strolled up and down the strip until i found a nice spot for dinner... you would love it.....a nice tropical drink....sand at your feet...the beat of the music moving your soul.....this would be a great start to our evening my love... your seat is here, empty for now...but someday we will figure it out and it will snow in SF...until then...much love from a beach in Brussels....yours always...

the end to a loveless story....

can't believe i am leaving Paris.... as much as i don't like this city....i can't imagine a city as beautiful...but then again the beauty  of it is only surface deep... and a place is only as good as its people....so on the road i go....i hope to find a city a like....i hope to be surprised....
but i still have about 24 hours left here... time for a good meal....and to say goodbye to my friends, bar tenders and bar flies of'course....none Parisians....
i think though if i had enough time and spoke the language i could find the good Parisians of the city....my server right now seems very nice....but then again she just said she spent time in SF and prefers it there....could just be polite talk though....
i wonder if any of the people I've invited to SF will take me up on it...funny if i have a parade of Europeans crashing on my couch in the future....
i truly am happy to be here....to know this city at least a little....but in the end Paris n i should just be friends....
these next three weeks i hope will be amazing....

dancing with myself.... but i want to dance with somebody....

i wasn't going to write today.... but the day brought me here anyway.... sometimes finding a place to eat can be very stressful....i had wanted to try out a spot but it was packed when i got there...starving and frustrated because things like this have been happening a lot lately i began to panic, yesterday i went most of the day without eating....i just hadn't found a place i wanted to eat at, so i kept moving.....eating alone sucks already, but it is so much worse when the house is packed and the server is swamped with higher ticket tables he spends way more time at then getting you anything.....i get it, it doesn't make me angry, but frustrated i can't get a good meal....if i had a partner on this adventure i would have no problem walking into many of these places....at least then i could talk with someone while waiting..... instead of sitting alone feeling like an unwelcomed fool....
anyway....so today i was trying not to fall into that same trap....of wandering around aimlessly starving and sad....and being that it is Sunday the grocery stores are closed...so stupid....so i walked...everyplace was too packed or too expensive or not what i wanted or too empty, my mind was killing me...that chatter in my head building the frustration...
that voice....sometimes it gets me where i need to be....sometimes it fills me with anxiety.... all the random ideas the ongoing arguments...traveling alone you get real acquainted with it....with yourself...
i recently have been trying to convince myself a life alone is my only choice so i could defeat that voice in my head that keeps telling me i should find someone to love...i feel frustrated,  relationships have not been kind to me....but i have to love....i argue that if i never knew what love was i would never miss it....the loneliness is sometimes very overwhelming...i can't function normally....the desire to love and have a family overwhelms me and the failure and inability to figure out how to make that happen is so stressful i have constant anxiety....seeing all these families here traveling together making memories....seeing all the young couples in love in Paris....i fucking feel so sad i don't have that, that i am not even close to having that...and then i think about how odd i am and chances and probabilities....of how not funny i am, how unmanly i am, how tiny i am...finding someone who wants a guy like me and is a girl that i want....impossible....and i go out and find no one...meet no one...i stumble home crying in the streets...trying to get home as fast as i can to curl up and pass out...........this is the voice i am trying to stop...to settle with being alone instead of crying over it....be happy and accept who i am....alone....
but i think both voices are wrong....i want to be in love...i want a family....there is nothing wrong with that.....i can't be sad about being alone.....i have learned and know i am an addict and will do anything and i mean ANYTHING for love, another reason i was staying away from love....i have sobered up though....i think my heart can see clearly now....i feel good about myself....i know the right girl will be very happy in love with me.....
so i think i am ready now...i feel better this way....so what does this really mean.......i am not out actively trying to make love happen,  smiling at every attractive girl that goes by...i think it is just trying not to get anxious....to be ok with failures of the day....to never let envy get the best of me. ..to be OK with being alone today, but to be able to want love without hurting for it...like saying you hope it will snow this year in SF,  knowing it probably won't happen....but it could....and if it doesn't maybe it will next year.....there is nothing you can do about it but live your life and hope....