another day on my street....

stop...my heart cant take it....love is everything....

soooo.........i love you....i miss you....who the fuck are you....i came home tonight.....and am half a bottle of wine through....time is running out fast....time...i fucking hate time...there is never enough of it....and once it is gone you can never get it back....i hate it...because no matter what you do it keeps going....you cant stop it...you cant fast forward it....time flies when you are having fun and it comes to a stand still when you are miserable.....time hates you...time, fuck it...sooo....a year has passed....almost....and yet here you are...i am going to paris soon....i have to decide for how long....do i just give up my place here.....do i look for work in london for the olympics....do i go to Spain....

fuck this shit....in the end I am over this city....i want love...my life needs it....and i cant find it here....

Life is easy...when you have the instructions....

Brutal honesty - left to my own devices I can be very lazy - without somewhere to go and someone counting on me to be there and no consequences for not showing up, well...i will spend all day in bed, doing nothing....in fact i have spent years doing nothing....I have wasted much of my life...i very much regret that....i feel bad about it...and yet....i waste away days all the time...

On the flip side i love working, I work 60+ hours a week, I split my days off because two days in a row off was too long and I got board...so here is the thing....I am about to quit my job, and I have no idea what I am going to do next, but what I dont want to do is waste away my time...i dont have much time left to waste...so part of me doesnt want to quit because i like having a job, but most of me knows it is the best thing to do, but without someone holding me accountable I am afraid I wont do shit....I know this sounds ridiculous to you, maybe immature or a week excuse....But the brutal honest truth is that I lack dedication, I always have, I always have struggled with this, i remember being in grade school and wondering why I procrastinated so much, why i spent my days doing nothing but thinking about the things i should do instead of doing them, and then letting that anxiety grow and grow and paralyze me....

Over the years I have changed and found ways to overcome the anxiety and be more productive....but I am still weak, I still waste away days....the cause of this is not my question right now......genetics, chemical imbalance, how I was raised, personal immaturity and cowardliness, whatever the reason, the problem exists, and I am afraid of not accomplishing my goals...

This is my greatest fear...to die alone and to have nothing to show for my life...only because i did nothing...

Right now I am very busy...working hard long hours....but i have no time for love, no time to learn the things I need to know, no time to make the things I dream of happen....very busy, doing nothing....

but how do I find drive and dedication in myself to do the things i have to do...i believe in myself, i know i can do them, i just dont know how to start....

I know you will....

So...i took a step back and let the slackers take on some of my burdens....to make a point and because i didnt care anymore....i didnt care because i have sold out and am selling crap....and my job has been reduced to its lowest elements....there is no creativity allowed....there is no reward for hard work....so i let someone earn their pay....and i got writen up because they complained about me
...i didnt defend myself or worrie about it because in the end i just dont care....i dont care because i know i am better than that place and my best is too good for them....not to sound conceded but....the place needs help....so i did less and my service was shity....i dont like the guests and i dont like the food and i dont like the way it is run....it is cookie cutter corporate rules that leave nothing for enjoyment....because sometimes the guest is wrong...and sorry but working a staff to the bone makes no one happy....and my job is nothing but babysitting unhappy workers....soooo not worth my time....so i am going to quit....i have my trip to france booked for may 17th....and then....

Sooooo fucking bored....call me....

So i left my house without my keys today....it is four am and i am at the diner by my house killing time....i am exhausted....not just cuz it is late....not just cuz i worked 12 hours today of running around up and down stairs dealing with annoying hungry people all day...not cuz i am on five hours of sleep a night...or that i have been working 60+ hour weeks....i am exhausted because i am bored....my work is soooo fucking boring....it is the easiest shit to do....no brains required....just smile and fallow the lists of shit to do....i fucking hate lists....and this job is full of them....
So my roommate sometimes wakes up around 5....i am hoping he does and he answers his phone and lets me in....and maybe i can still get my five hours of sleep in....
This fucking sucks....wish i knew someone awake right now....well someone sober and awake that is....ok wrote a thingy here....now how to kill more time....

Do you have what it takes to become a candy expert..

Ok...this work week schedule is funky...i had two days off...work two very busy days...then two more off....i got out of bed today....well this afternoon after i finally sobered up and i feel very energized...usually i am dead tired at work right now...so i am stoked to have a day off and feel like i can do something with it....and then i realized i have fucking tomorrow off too!
So i have had no time to try to learn french....i am worried about that....but whatever...do you know the 10000 hours rule....i am on hour two of french....soooo...yah....i wonder what hour i am on running restaurants....i wish our lives had stats we could read....i love stats....you could readily see how much youve walked in your lifetime, or today...how many peanuts you've eaten, how many penises you've seen, i swear i have seen more than any other straight guy who doesnt work in porn or is a doctor, lets say out of the workplace penises....yah ive seen a lot of them in this hood...walking around, at the park, my friends flashing me, my roomates and their friends walking around the flat, the guy helicoptering his in the window across from my building....they are everywhere....yah i wonder what my stat is on that compared to the world....maybe when we die...if there is a heavon....we can see our stats...how many ants you killed, how many times you lied, how many times you made me smile....

Puss puss bella...
(I think that is going to be my new goodbye...i like the phrase...)

It was better in my imagination....

So strolling through safeway while waiting for the buss i overhear someone laugh and exclaim "what the hell is a digestive cookie, that sounds disgusting" and i go over to check it out...and yea safeway has digestive cookies, which i found hard to explain why that sounds wrong to my euro friend who introduced me to the cookies awhile ago....and then i turned down the corner to the digestive isle where you find things like tums and exlax....so you can see how eating a digestive cooking sounds gross....makes u think ur eating something that is going to make you shit....anyway...

So tell me about that....

So i have interviewed a good fifty people or so in the last two weeks....hired three people so far....one has dropped out already....it is fun interviewing people...its like going back to my old day bartending days....did you know i had no idea how to have a conversation until i was 27ish....before then i was silent....i didnt know what to say to a person....i didnt know how to keep a conversation going...how to show interest and inquiry....before i was in awe of those who could talk for hours...see i had no friends growing up...my family only spoke in commands to me....i just never was taught...the friends i did make never spoke too...we would go out to the bars and nothing...just drink and bits of small talk...i was unbelievably bored...i didnt converse with my girlfriends either...mostly small talk and sex....it wasnt until i got to SF and found out that people do talk when they are out...and i got this job at a slow bar with talkative regulars....and through just trial and error and sheer need to be able to keep a convo going or be bored all day i learned how to do it...

In a dream...you are real....

Tonight would be nice to text you....hopefully on your way home from your long day at work too....and ask you if u were down for a bottle of wine and some cheese and cured meats....and we could get home around the same time and chill...massage your feet....rub my shoulders....and talk....talk....talk until it's super late...but it doesn't matter...because the energy gained and the stress lost from just being with you and being cared for and loved will get us through the rest of the week...whatever it has in store for us....
But i have a boring household waiting for me....a cold room with laundry all over my bed....and insomnia....
I wonder what life is like having someone you trust whom you can call and talk to....a parent, sibling, friend....i am no orphan, but sometimes it seems like it....

Just in case you didnt know...

Today is a good day to play....play with friends, play with music, to play games, dance, and laugh all day and into the night....XXOO