Mmmmm boooooze zombie want boooooze....

Ahh...14hr shifts suck...especially when its really a 16hr day with travel time...leaves no time to get anything else done....so...memories r fading...all that is left is an idea...i like the idea, but i prefer the actual thing...it always just takes time...with me more time than others i think...just cuz i love so hard ...but as always, my heart will go to sleep, slowly die as i zombiefy myself...true i think about it all the time...but i dont remember the feelings anymore...and once that is gone...i forget why i cared so much....today has been a long day...and noone being here has numbed my heart and soul...they had reached out to so many and got nothing on return....and this time it feels like they died...they lost hope in finding love...tired of the game, the flirt, the bull shit....so....zombie eddie again....nothing to do but work, play music, and drink with my friends....goodbye.

time is all it needs to grow....

There is no better substitute for butter, or sugar, or love....wine and cheese are always great together...champagne and chocolate, long kisses in the middle of long random walks....music and dancing...good friends and good times....there is no better substitute than what you already know is to be the best...so do you stop looking....there are always other fun new combinations, different and enjoyable...wine and cured meats are great too, but what it all comes down to for me...is nothing is as good as it could have been with you there to share it with....with you to hear my sly sarcastic quips that make you laugh, with you to surprise me with how awesome you are, with you to take on my challenge and show who can be the goofiest...someone here I can fully trust in and be myself with....someone who will be patient with me, and take the time to let me come out of my shell and show you exactly who i really am...with you here everything is funner...I could show you my world, and the magic it is...and I can see yours and all its beauty...wherever u r now, i long for the time to get to know you...

My heart is heavy....

I try...i really fucking do...i dont want to want what i cant have...i wish i could live without love....i am trying so fucking hard to forget about it...to stay busy and focus on other things....but days off are hard...especially when u get reminders of how lost my love is....how far away love is for me...how impossible being loved is....France must be my focus...

Fuck! If i could...

I don't worry about it...just do what makes me happy...

Ugh....i need free space....i am bringing home work tonight....i swore i would never do that...the thing i hated most was when my father did nothing but talk and do work outside of it....life should be enjoyed....work should be enjoyable....but there should be a separation from the intense cerebral n controllable work world and the emotional unpredictable life away from there....one of the reasons i dont like hanging out with work friends...amazingly though the friends i made at mecca knew how to separate work and life....so yes i am bringing home work...this one time...only....at least i am getting paid....paris feels more like a reality now money wise....i just need to learn the language, find a place to stay, and find someone to take me apartment while i am away....maybe an sc intern....
Anyway tooo much real info for u today...but i cant help it....i am alone....