After hours bubbles

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talking to myself again...

A conversation between my heart soul and mind...dear soul n mind...i am ready for love...i am ready to be loved...but u 2 are stuck on Sweden...and as much as i love her too...she doesnt love us...i refuse to give my love to someone who doesnt want it...i am a big caring heart with lots to give, but to someone who wants it....

I know heart...says my soul...Sweden was wonderful, definitely a soul mate, i saw inside her window the kindness and passion i am drawn to...but ur right heart, there is no 1 soul mate, and her soul was too young and needs to be toughened...there is another one out there...in these 6 billion people love will find us...we are drawn together like powerful magnets of love...I will let her go now…

May i say something...says my logic...heart i can smell the desperate a mile away...u need to relax...love will find us but lets not do anything for a minute...i know there r hot girls talking to us but love is fickle and tricky...put back up the wall heart, at least for now....i am sorry for pining over Sweden still...she is so perfect for us...u know i hate rejection and losing...i want to win her back....but that is over now...for u my heart, and u my soul...i will release her...

She will always be a part of me says my heart...
She will always have a place with me too soul says...

She will be the one that got away then...

Now lets go out and get laid!

All together “SHUT UP Penis!”

Pussies.

Board at blackbird...

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what am i thinking about?

Sitting accross a row of swedish vodka...not that I wasn't thinkin about sweden already....I reread some of my blogg the other day....love and I have been on a journey...from comma to heartbreak n broken again...I feel like I am stupid...falling in love so easily...I guess its like I said...love is like learning how to walk...why crawl when u can run....I can't run yet...I thought I would with sweden...still hoping she calls me. Still wishing she loved me. Is that stupid?

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Leaving for work early...i have to.

Ok i have to end this now...I know i will fall in love again...someone will find me and i will go through it all over again...and this time it will be real...it will be better...cuz they always are...
i laugh when i look back at Ohio and the way i thought she was...compared to how i know her now...i was so fooled by her...i see through that now...and i think maybe someday i will see Sweden in the same light...i will look back and realize she wasnt super badass like i thought she was...i already, she definitely isnt as mature as i thought she was...but it was a short relationship...and so i will get over it...someday...but oh how i am fighting the urge to say Hi.

I am in love with work....

I used to love Sundays...my day off...finally after a long week of working...
and i would spend it talking for hours with Sweden...
now I hate days off...too much time to think...
So i am working today instead...
i have to train the new girl...and like rific said last night....
you cant train them...they are redic...
hopefully today wont be horrible...
but i am thinking i will be very frustrated trying to teach the new girl how to do everything...
her resume was bomb and said she new how to do everything in her interview...
then when it came down to it...she didnt know shit...
do you know micros i asked...yes she said...here's your number go clock in i said...
how do you do that she responded...i knew i was fucked right then...

you cant train them they are fuckin redic....thats what the riffic said

cant hide it anymore...

my hearts breaks more every day....every day i fall more in love with her...every minute i miss her more...every second she moves further away from me...into another's arms...another's embrace...another's kiss...me heart breaks....i am hurting....i miss her so fucking much...i loved her so fucking much...the more i try to forget her, the more i try to live without her the more i realize how fucking great she was...for me....she found me unsuitable...

my spotless mind...a bit rainy...

So I was thinking about one day in Sweden that says a lot about her and I…it was a rainy day…we laid in bed as long as possible before she had to go…she had an interview that afternoon…we walked to a common spot then parted to meet back at the house 3 hours later…I had a plan to do a chore then explore a bit on my own…I went to the grocery store and bought an umbrella then walked around…I thought about how it would be if she got a job there, how my life would be living in such a small town…she hadn’t shown me much of it, she is not a very good tour guide…I started to get very hungry as I was walking around…I tried to time my walk to get back to the house just at 3 hrs…but I think I took a wrong turn and I was a little late, and getting very hungry and irritable and lacking blood sugar…

She was home when I got there…I was wet and nauseous and tired and starving…I asked her if she was hungry so we could go eat…but she said she already ate…I was surprised by this and hurt…see for me food is very important, it is a courteous thing to think of those in your home when you eat…if you know they might be hungry you should bring food home with you if you are getting some, or wait to eat with them…it’s a lesson my dad drilled into when I was young…always share your food…I was hurt she didn’t want to have lunch with me and that I was starving and there was no food…I was on a one track mind for food and she was on one of her own…so sensing the delicate moment I decided to take a shower to release my emotions…I cried a bit and thought that maybe she wasn’t all I thought she was, not considerate and caring…I composed myself and waited for her to finish some chore she had to do…we weren’t connecting…

We then left to finish our tasks for the day, eat then shop…I was starving and my brain was not functioning well, I leaned on her for support and I was tough about it…but I tried not to be mean but sometimes when I am hungry and irritable it cant be helped…I finally ate, then we go shopping a bit, she takes me to a store she had picked out for me…but I find nothing I love…

After we leave that store and stand waiting for a cross walk my brain starts to function properly again, and I think about how wonderfully she took care of me, she found me the perfect spot to go and the perfect meal, she led me in, let me sit and took care of everything…it was something I was very happy to try…then I felt bad because she had hoped I would like the store she scoped out for me, and I did I would go there again, I just am a picky shopper, but I still felt like it didn’t go how she imagined…and I thought to myself how amazing is this girl who is standing next to me, how lucky am I to have someone really love me…and I turned to her looked into her beautiful face and kissed her…

I was upset about the food thing, but I shouldn’t have been, she just doesn’t think about it like I do…and maybe if I had a phone we could have talked after her interview and met and ate together properly and i could have been there for her and focus on what she needed, or at least I would have known to go find food myself…and my state of being took away from what she was going through with the interview…she was hurt too…it was a tough day for us…

But in the end we got the things we needed, went back home, and I prepared a decent meal and we had a great night together with her friends…and I fell madly more in love with her…and she had another reason to say maybe I am not right for her…

Custer had a plan too,,,

romantic comedies are a bad choice for the sore at heart...
it would be 19 days...fallowed by what would have been 21 supper fucking awesome and bad ass days and nights...
but here in SF I am happy to have great friends...
i may not know them very well or for long but they are wonderful people to me...
i appreciate that a lot...


So my journey has taken a wrong turn...
and you know how it is...you always meet someone when ur not looking...
but i cant help but look...I want to be more aggressive about it and make things happen...
i dont believe in fate or destiny...but my opportunities are slim...
I am a very particular guy...i seek an exceptional woman...

But not to harp on finding Love so much...
i am very busy at work...and finally getting paid too...
its nearly 6am i got to sleep...