The other day at the beach...

Ohio here I come...

Fun in Oakland...

Last night....shit happened....
talking to my Ohio girl...

Royalty featuring Birthday boy Ronnie on bass...


Me sneaking into the pic with Jessi and Maria...
Posing with some lovely ladies.....

Things to do today: - feel loved...check

So after Mecca closed I hit a strange bottom...not like any I had before...it wasnt cuz I lost a job or had my heart broken....no I was getting paid and my heart was sleepin contently....it wasnt cuz my ball of string was getting out of control and the laundry list of neglected responsibilities were overwhelming my life...although the string was unraveling...no i was having serous panic attacks from plain old boredom and stress about the unknown future of everything...i had no idea when or if I would work again...my band was going nowhere...and my love life was down to a frequent uninteresting booty call...
Then it happened...without warning or expectation...I found my soul mate...no...seriously...I found someone who is perfect in every fucking way...i was tripping over my lethargic life...suffocating under the uncertainty of everything...when I looked down...down from my stoop and saw an angel carrying the end of my string...winding it up and bringing it to me...unbeknown to her...she has already changed my life...ounce i was a red tie in a closet of brown suits...i wondered what person in their right mind would accept someone who shit talked as much as I do...someone as cynical and consistently sarcastic as I am...and yet i make her happy...just by doing what makes me happy...everything I ever thought about love and settling down and finding a lover has changed...I though I had experience in falling in love..knowledge about making a relationship work...well its all bullshit...the rules have changed...those past waves dont compare...this ocean I am swimming in is endless...I know Ive only known her for about a month...but you just cant know what Im talking about until you know for yourself...I feel like I am in a dream...and I fucking hope I never wake up...

4th of July in SF

SO I watched the works from a house in the Castro hills...the view of the city is amazing...but as for watching the works it was ok...here's some pics...

sorry boys...........and girls....

I'm done...nothing fucking matters anymore...life is a series of stages...its a skill you learn through the years..living...at first your some young tike...you learn to crawl...falling on your face dragin ass here and there and once you getit down some fuck pulls you by the pits and makes you stand...then walk...then run..then ride a bike..then your falling in love and...

every move you make is scary as shit...leaving all that was understood and mastered..."I HAD THAT CRAWLING SHIT DOWN, now you make me STAND!!!" oh shit this is scary...then you do it and you master it then you move onto the next...

where are you...what stage of life are you mastering...what stage are you afraid of moving onto...remember the last stage you where in..how scary it was at first...you know that feeling when something new hits you that you had no idea about...you think "I'M CRAWLING HERE AND IT GETS ME TO AND FRO SO GOOD...WHAT ARE YOU FUCKS WALKING FOR, THIS IS THE SHIT"...then some fuck makes you stand and its scary at first...but then you start walking...and then running...when was the last time you crawled...drunk as fuck because you lost your steps...You know it...moving on is good for you..growing is good for you...what you thought was life before is now moved on to a new stage that you had no idea existed...I thought I knew what a love connection was...i thought i was in love before...I think i just stood up......................scary as shit....i am loving it...

I need a fix...

Try to understand your heart…your soul…your life…I am a addict…I am a junky…my drugs of choice…LOVE, MUSIC, PEOPLE…

Ode to Ms.Bridget....

She was picking at a tree…like a kitty playing coy…blood rushed my soul as I hid my desire to caress her…we shook hands and I couldn’t help but melt in her eyes…I quickly had to run away…said my goodbyes and hoped to see her again….

There I was dancing on my stoop in a wig, wearing a red dress and pearls….when I looked down and saw the face of an angel looking up at me…I thought to myself who is that beautiful girl looking up at me…that smile was so sweet and my heart jumped a beet…then I saw Chey and realized…there is that coy kitty…damn does she look amazing…I quickly tried to find a way to let them in and I wanted to jump off my stoop and spend the evening with her…she took all my attention the rest of that dance on the stoop….

The street party was ending so I left my stoop…at this point I was getting a bit drunk and enjoying myself in the party…I quickly found Chey to ask about his friend...trying not to seem too eager…then like a hot knife in my soul…he tells me she has a boyfriend… my kind heart doesn’t allow me to want to cause someone trouble in their relationship…but as I looked at her staring out the window…I couldn’t resist…There are few times in ones life when something so real just cant be ignored…you forget everything and go on instinct…so I flirted with her…and the coy cat that she is played along…our time was fleeting and the party began to wind down…I tried my best to keep her around without seeming too desperate…but at last when I went back to find her she had gone…

She left me with my feelings flying high and my heart racing…and the idea that I may never see her again…which had become a pattern in my life these days…So I tried to forget her…she had a boyfriend anyway, right…

Sunday morning my roommates wake me up and we go out to Pride downtown…I fought the urge to call Chey, pretending to invite them all to pride downtown when all I wanted was to see her again…I kept thinking about how right it felt to be standing next to her the night before…I also got embarrassed a bit remembering how drunk I was…gushing over her all night…I had to move on…she has a boyfriend….

So Monday night….it was like Before Sunrise…we went out for drinks…I will never thank Chey enough for third-wheeling it that night….our flirting game continued…her coyness kept me wanting and I fought hard not to look too deep into her eyes for fear of falling, melting, wanting, and letting my heart go and doing something you don’t do to a girl who has a boyfriend…can you feel my struggle here….then we took some pics with a piñata and when she kissed it a rush of jealousy and desire took me over…I soo wanted to be the one she was kissing…my soul struggled…

I will never forget the moment our eyes met…and I knew I couldn’t stop what I was feeling…and its all Cheys fault…we sat in a picture booth for some photos…Chey in the middle of us…the first three pics were very innocent, on the last…she looked into my eyes and teased me, my soul dove deep into her beautiful eyes…every nerve ending in my body tingled…a smile so true and deserved came over me…and I’m still smiling from that look…it was over…I had to have her….

We returned to Cheys house after last call…I don’t remember how or when…my soul was drunk with, as she puts it, 100 proof feelings…and we kissed…I so wanted her to be a good kisser…cuz you know how important that is…and now I dream of her sweet soft lips…the night kept going and I just wanted to stop time and be with her as long as I could…she had a plane to catch in the morning and our time together was very short…

I am very grateful for that night…I am very enamored with her…as you can tell…that morning was so hard to say goodbye…I could tell she was struggling with it all too…she is in a 7 year relationship with talks of marriage…no small thing…I couldn’t help but wonder if I was just a vacation boy toy…

Well she’s thousands of miles away now…and as she tells me about her boy my soul struggles from telling her to destroy that bond she has and be with me or helping her mend a bad relationship for loves sake…I am a disciple of love growing it wherever it can be found…and I don’t want to be her mistake…

There are times in your life…they are very rare…when you know….I just cant let her go…I have to take the chance….

Pink Saturday and Gay Pride in San Francisco...

So...I want to thank those of you that stoped by Saturday for the party...It was Fucking great...those of you that couldn't make it missed out on some shit...well since I didn't have a place to put my camera in the outfit I was wearing...I couldn't get any pictures...So the party went well...I think I missed the peek of the party inside...but dancing on the stoop for me was amazingly fun...I need that rush of being on stage....

Sunday morning was a rough one...my roommates got me out of bed to go see Monistat perform at Pride in the civic center...Jason was one of her dancers...I thought about doing it too, but I was in no shape to do anymore dancing after saturday night...

Here's a slide of the show...

I got some video too but my Jason refuses to let me put it up...he says he's a performer but when it gets down to it he gets shy...oh well...

Pride was amazing and the weekend overall was a blast from friday night....ending at Don and Davids ->
to Sunday evening and enjoying a great wind-down dinner with Kriss and Brent...who are house sitting a place in the Castro hills...the view is Fucking amazing....
Ciao Bellas!!

Where are you going?

So here I am sitting on the couch fighting another panic attack…my gut is wrenching…my heart is pounding…my soul is dying…I don’t get it…there was a time when I had too much shit goin on and I needed to find that “moment” to compose myself and escape the madness…now the lack of living is causing me to feel insane…I need to find something consistent in my life…I keep having fleeting moments of passion, which was something I needed and wanted in my life…and now here I am dying for something long-term…why does life shit on you like this…