My heart my not be here...but I am leaving plenty of love....

I am sooo excited about being in Paris in two  days....all the things I get to see....the more I think about it I wonder why u didn't do this sooner.....like most things in my life.....I tend to lag forever...I have planned out my train ride from the airport....going to take a walk to the apartment through the city....
It has been amazing this last few days here in SF....everyday had been an amazing adventure....I left my house early everyday and did not return until the wee late hours...just to wake up the next day and go on another spontaneous adventure....my friends have been very dear....they all have been very positive and carrying of me....I am so fortunate to have such good people in my life....this city and it's people have shown me why I have loved it so much...
But still....paris....

If you couldn't tell I was drunk last night...not sure who that was directed to...stupid love creeping in when I am tipsy....in other news....I think I secured a place in Paris for the first month finally....now back to trying to put the pieces together from yesterday...what an epic day....

You look at a girl and you think if I pulled your name I would kill your world better then anyone you know....I can do things three brain won't effort inkstand.....I will be there...I wile lonG you...I am the best you can do...but you Won't even look my way....

San Francisco 1 everywhere else 0

more of me....or something like that...

I was having fun...then i sobered up...i saw you for who you are...you found me out...and now I am here again in this place trying to not be...i used to be depressed, i was obsessed with love, i had no control over my life...but then i died...who i was anyway...and now...now what?

I've never had someone say...you make a good couple...or she is perfect for you....

This is wrong....I don't belong

It doesn't matter anymore....what one was supposed to do...where one should be....love.....there is none.....there will never be.....truth....how we fit...where life is....what I was made for....
I  will be in Paris next week.... this joke will soon be over....i have no reason...I was never loved...and now I am addicted to it...and in such I will never be able to have it....never.

Wasting time....

So....I am doing this celibate thing....zombiefied....my heart is dead it no longer beats...yet I still walk n talk and drink....drink....and  boooze.....
So anyway....I found out I am addicted to love....I have a crazy reaction to it where I will do anything and put up with anything and sacrifice everything for it.....and I used to think that was love...that was what I wanted from someone else that kind of dedication...i wanted someone to be addicted to me like I was to her....
Now I realize that its not healthy or right..
So I have been weening myself off the addiction...I have squished down my emotions and have basically rehabed off the drug...
so now that I am sober....I am able to push loves away....and here I am with an attraction...I am attracted to someone....
I am lost..I don't know how to have a healthy relationship....
I don't know how to do this...
Actually.....

Music makes me so happy....u.....yah...I may have been addicted to your love....but still u made me happy too..