free beer...

I know it is a stupid tv show...but my heart just dropped...a little scene and an idea....a baby crying and then her father picks up a guitar and sings her a song....she stares at him smiles and then falls asleep...WTF....I have dreams...that's all they are, dreams.

I could be ur best asset...a wise friend who cares....or a gentle simpleton....it's all perspective....but u wouldnt know how to tell the difference...

Shity....i had a moment....but it is gone now.....youth is definitely wasted on the young....it is crazy how quickly your body slows down....even though i am in better shape....my energy level is no way near what it was even a few years ago....i am fighting illness but still....
What makes it ironic is that i have way more dedication and wisdom to do what's right but tooo tired to get it done.....as before i would just put everything off for more fun things to do....or wast all my energy doing it wrong.
I have had a fun life....and i am glad i chose to live life over work.and career...but now i just wish i had the same energy that i used to because having fun is easy....working 70hours a week and trying to have a social life is hard.
It was a very weird moment today....those sirens wont snag me again though....i have to stay focused.

Good luck....to us all...

So it happened again...i met someone we flirted....things were on their way...then she held my hand.....my heart stopped.....my soul shrunk away....my future flashes in front of me....and it dosnt look good....another wrong relationship....more wasted time on someone that wasn't right....i pulled my hand away....but still we talked....and connected....and our hands met again...and i knew it was wrong....in the past i would have seen where it went....given her a chance.....but now i am more different than i have ever been....i have changed in a big way.....
my love does not live here....i do not belong here....not now....i have to leave.....i cant be with someone right now....my heart belongs to someone very special....and i have no time to waste on anyone else....my love is hers, i dont know her...yet....but i must not settle anymore....i will not go where the wind takes me....my heart has a place to be....i must get it there.....

The buss keeps going every day....

Being sick sucks....at least it isn't bad...only one day stuck in bed....now it's just a nagging cough....very annoying....
I am getting the hang of work though, things are getting done faster and better...so my days are getting shorter...maybe i will soon have time for the tones of things i have been delaying....
I cant get too ahead of myself though....i only have time for 6 hours sleep before having to get back to work....but i am hoping to have some extra time Wednesday...
Funny how packed the buss is...all these people going to work....i am going home to sleep...but i do love it this way...i used to hate that i was different....dreamed of a place people are like me....but now i just accept it...there still is hope in spain or france...but i am not holding my breath....
Almost home....

whats lov got to do with it...

day off blues...started off with a fresh new rejection...I tried OKC thinking maybe there i would find at least a new friend or adventure....but so far, nothing...it is cold today....48 degrees...

It would be awesome to soak in a hot tub with candles and champagne, massaging your feet, or u laying against my chest my arms wrapped around you, kissing the nape of your neck, spending the evening talking, soaking, being warm, and all that fallows...

ohhh how nice it would be....listening to the rain cuddled up in bed watching classic movies and eating candy....

the definition is changing...the picture is blank...who you are is the whole picture...and I have no idea what that looks like...

And yet i am on ur mind....still.

Last day of six in a row....70hr week....surf parties are finely over...things are mellowing....turned in my cocktail list yesterday....that is always fun....i sketched out a maple n bacon flavored tini....should be a hit....
I hope today goes fast...my cold is not going away...at least it isn't bad...

time is all we have...every minute without you is wasted....

What is the point...I like to sit here and release my demons onto this thing...complain about all that is shity....and then move on in my life...so here is more shit I dont want fucking up my day....I feel like I am getting sick....my throat is closing up, I have a tickle in the back there I cant get rid of and I am coughing more and more....and my head has a slight pounding nausea effect going on right now....and my body feels soar...so sickness is approaching...if i can just ignore it until my day off it will be all good...sorta...other than that work is keeping my busy...I have to go soon....i hope I get done early, midnight maybe home by 130 sleep by 230 that will get me a good nights sleep before going to work tomorrow at 10am....6 day work week this week...but fri an sat off...that is strange...what will i do...I have been trying to get dates...but very unsuccessfully...I think I lost all my appeal...something has changed....it used to be much easier...meet a girl flirt a bit then everything just kinda happens....but lately everything just kinda falls apart...last friday was the worst night of my life....it really couldnt be worse for me as far as my relation with women goes...and since then other girls i was flirting with have cooled on me, the sparks didnt turn to flames and in fact just went away...

what is different about me? Do i still love sweden, i dont think so, it has been way too long...and I have had no contact with her, I think about her but I have no hope in that situation, it is a fond distant memory like a two week long "Before Sunset". So i hope deep down that is not pushing women away from me...maybe I am getting too old now...but the women i talk to are close to my age...

I am trying to live without love...but affection would be nice in the mean time...my heart is broken damaged and shattered to the core, my soul is beaten down and bruised quivering in a dark corner, and my mind is consumed with work....life has taken its toll on me, I cant change the past, I wasnt given the emotional support most successful happy people have had to be confident in themselves, they have an emotional place to goto when the shit gets hard and all u want to do is rest....I have to make it on my own, I have to push down the emotional criticism and rejection I am used to getting all my life...being loved and cared for is for other people...i have good friends sure, but none that truly know me or will be around for years to come...There is nothing I can change about my past, my hard wiring is dark and lonely...which is why i thirst for love and dont trust it...which is why i am hard to love and push it away...which is why i have to not care about it anymore, i have to learn to live without love...i was depressed all my childhood, i turned 23 or 24 had a revelation and realized love is all I needed, that someday i would meet a woman who would love me for who i am, and we would start a family and i would raise two beautiful girls, giving them all the love and support i never got...but now that dream is gone...i dont have that to hold onto anymore...

I have to go to work...that is all I have...a great job, lots of money, and a career i am great at...three things i couldnt care less about.

Only superman can do that...

Trust me....i made it all up....today is going to be over soon....and no mater what u did...tomorrow is going to happen....people will have moved on...there is no point...just do what u think should happen....wait...u already do that....that is why i loved u most....it is the timid that annoy me....u never get what u dont ask for....i like to pretend....u r still here...u r still looking....u r still caring....u r invisible....but i see u....i feel u....i will someday know u....

Another decision that didn't mater...

So i decided paying for a cab would be worth the extra 10 minutes of sleep....so i call one and wait...ten minutes go by and nothing...i call another...10 more minutes go by and finally i am able to flag one down....but now i am paying for a cab when i could have taken the buss and gotten there at the same time...shity....

But I did enjoy my extra 10 minutes of sleep....even though i am still late.